March 2021
Cosima lays in bed, she'd been feverish with chills for the better part of the day. Her second vaccine dose was proving more challenging than her first. Delphine offered soup, cuddles… anything she wanted.
"I'm OK." She tells her wife, bundled up in blankets in their bed. She still isn't sure on how Delphine got her moved so far up the queue, but she had. Where Delphine would have to wait.
"These are all common side effects. I think we can expect a robust immune response." Delphine tells her with a smile. "And I will cater to your whims until you feel better."
"Yeah. Well I'll tell you that once you get yours and feel sick." Cosima quips, trying to find humour in it. "What do you want? How should I cater to your whims?" She's half serious. Their sexual frequency had been up, half by desire, half by concerted efforts. 2021 felt lighter than 2020, particularly with vaccines being distributed to health care workers, long term care home residents, the elderly and those at high risk. It was a start, one that felt promising. At least to Cosima.
"Reassure me that we can survive this when it… it is becoming endemic, Cosima. It will circulate. We… just need to lower our risks. Take vaccinations. Take precautions. It will protect us." Delphine says this as if half trying to convince herself. "We... we will do what we can for the other Ledas."
"That does not sound so optimistic." Cosima mutters out, craning her head to get a better look at her wife.
"It is realistic. We will get vaccinated, we will do our best… but the likelihood is Covid19 will circulate in the population for a long time. We… will have to learn to live with some level of restrictions." Delphine hesitates. "I do anticipate that once we are both vaccinated, and the vaccine rates are higher that we will be able to do more."
"But with vaccines, we will be safer. I'm sure we'll get to eat in restaurants again. Even travel...eventually." Cosima reminds her. "In two weeks, I will be… ready to go places. But… I won't. Except maybe to Minnesota later in spring to meet in person with my advisors one last time before my scheduled defence."
"Yes. But still, take precautions." Delphine reminds her. "And… we will have to find a way to live our lives… to do what we want to do, pandemic or no pandemic. We… have to live. Just like we have to make love… and we have to work… We have to have full lives, Cosima."
"Yeah. Obvs… what are you getting at?" Cosima sits up, feeling that there is something Delphine is not saying. Something that is eating away at her wife. There's a tension in Delphine's body. Something not totally unfamiliar.
"I want to try now." Delphine tells her, as she stretches her long body out besides Cosima's on their bed.
"Now what?" Cosima is confused for only a moment. What was Delphine talking about?
"I don't want to wait longer. I'm old enough." Delphine tells her. "You're supposed to defend in July. And your dissertation looks good, Cosima. And our telomerase project is progressing well. I don't know how we'll expand it, but it is going well. Sarah, Helena and Alison are responding well to treatment, it is just maintenance now. We can do that while I am pregnant."
"The embryos?" Cosima figures it out. "I thought we said we'd wait…" But Cosima thinks her dissertation is getting closer. And this was something she and Delphine could do. Unlike their plan to spend three weeks in southeast Asia eating seafood and lounging on the beach. Or their plans to visit her parents and go sailing around the west coast on a week visit before a week for just the two of them.
"Yes. Let's transfer one. You're almost done … you defend in less than eight months." Delphine points out. "This… pandemic isn't ending anytime soon. Vaccines will give us better protection. And… we shouldn't stop our lives because of it. We have to live. And things between us - they are really good now."
"Umm what if I don't pass?" Cosima verbalizes her fear. Not passing with a pregnant Delphine, or having to finish her diss as Delphine juggles their newborn. Neither sounds particularly fair. Or fun.
"That is OK." Delphine tells her. "I will take a year maternity leave… maybe a little more and then, we'll have time to figure out childcare. There is an excellent daycare on campus. I could… do pickups and drop-offs to and from work. Or there are French ones… Or a bilingual one that is not too far from us and we could share that task."
"You've already researched daycares?" Cosima sits up in bed. "You're way ahead of me."
"I want a baby. And I know it could easily take several attempts before an embryo implants." Delphine tells her. "I don't want to keep our lives on hold. You're fully vaccinated, and I will take my first dose as soon as I can… I am hoping that I can get it done by April or May." It is the one time Cosima knows Delphine wishes she were practicing medicine, her access to the vaccine would have been faster. Instead, she must wait for healthy adults to become eligible.
"I know." Cosima nods, considering. "Let's do it. Let's become parents." They might as well. It could take several tries anyway, and Delphine was eager, passionate about it. It would bring joy.
Delphine leans in and kisses her, and it is so soft. So loving that Cosima melts just a little.
"I'll call Create. We'll… discard the three with deletions. And start with our perfect two…" Delphine pauses. "Then we can use the five carriers. We'll… only try to make more with your frozen marrow if… if… we run out of embryos. And we'll… do it here this time. In Canada. Just us. And Scott can help, if we need a hand."
"Uhh one at a time. No twins." Cosima states clearly. "We're only going to transfer one embryo at a time." Outnumbering their potential offspring was very important, Cosima thought. She'd seen some of the chaos Helena had lived with her twins. It was too much.
"One at a time." Delphine agrees. "We do not want to increase our chances of a high risk pregnancy. We will have fewer choices that way… and a lot more medical appointments. I want choices, Cosima… I want us to make the best decisions we can - for our safety and for our baby's health."
Cosima nods along, that makes perfect sense. "Are we going to look for a new house?"
"Yes. We can start now." Delphine agrees. "I want to be moved before winter comes again."
"Alright. I'll… call up our old realtor?" Cosima offers. "I mean… as soon as I am feeling better. Which should be tomorrow."
"Yes. We need to start both of those balls rolling." Delphine agrees, she thinks of the Audi. Their A4 isn't really a family sized car, but that can wait. Their mileage is low enough she suspects they can get a decent trade in value on an SUV. The vehicle problem can wait until they're pregnant. Assuming it all works like it should.
"Just promise me… no million dollar homes." Cosima groans. "The idea of that level of mortgage is petrifying." The housing costs in Toronto make her think they'll go overboard. Especially with the insanity of the market lately. She periodically takes a look when feeling particularly stuck in their condo.
"OK. We'll… set a budget. And stick to it." Delphine is quick to agree. A larger condo could do, Delphine thinks, or a townhouse. Housing prices are particularly insane. As long as they can increase to three bedrooms and increase their living space… they should be able to make a family home work.
They begin touring houses two weeks later. Delphine wasn't one for wasting time. Cosima was convinced Delphine spent her commute scrolling through real estate listings and pestering their realtor. Some houses Cosima nixes as soon as she sees the list price. And most of the homes are quickly sold in a bidding war. They make one offer, on the one house that they could agree on, and while the offer was what Delphine had termed perfectly reasonable . They are outbid by 80k over asking.
"This is insane." Cosima comments, as she trots after Delphine, fully masked while they meet the realtor at yet another semi in Leslieville. It's not that far from the condo, Cosima thinks. Maybe a 20 minute walk. The outside looks decent enough, well maintained red brick.
"It is overpriced." Delphine agrees distractedly. "The whole market is inflated. Worse than usual. And Toronto prices have always been ridiculous."
"We should try condos. Townhouses." Cosima prompts her wife. "We need to broaden our search or we will end up with the 1.6 million dollar home in need of massive renovations. And not just a bathroom reno so you get your bidet."
"We could do renovations." Delphine argues. "We can expand our search... Cabbagetown... other neighbourhoods that are close... even the Danforth!"
"Hah. Not if we go way over budget. And you probably don't want to say… live through a kitchen reno while pregnant." Cosima thinks expanding their search is wise but unlikely to solve the red hot real estate market problem.
"C'est vrai." Delphine sighs, nodding her defeat.
Their realtor arrives, and takes them through the semi. It's nice, Cosima admits. It needs a bit of work… and is likely to go for more money than they can afford. The dark wood floors are new, and even Delphine seems impressed by the lower level. Eat in kitchen. A reno that had opened up the space to be more open concept. It looked.. really good. They're being led up the stairs at a safe distance when the tour starts to sour.
"Three bedrooms?" Delphine prompts. She pulls out her phone to look at the listing, which promised three bedrooms.
The realtor shrugs. "It used to, the last owner combined the two smaller bedrooms into one room. So it has two, but they're really big. Great for a huge master bedroom with an en-suite… and a guest room."
"Mmm." Delphine nods noncommittally in a way that Cosima knows means Delphine isn't interested. Their master bedroom/nursery/office plan was very clear and for that they needed three bedrooms.
"Thanks." Cosima nods after their tour. And they go their separate ways, their realtor cautious to stay masked and keep a distance. They don't shake hands, something they are all used to by now. Maybe she'll never shake anyone's hand ever again.
"Well that was… disappointing." Delphine wasn't happy with any of the last owner's reno. She hated the kitchen. The combined super bedroom and the basement looked cheap.
"Yeah we'll… keep looking." Cosima agrees. "Is… is something else on your mind?"
"I talked to Create. This morning while you were in the shower." Delphine tells her and Cosima knows it's something she's not going to like.
"What?" Cosima asks. "Do we have to sign more paperwork?" They'd signed their consents for treatment, which hadn't been too complicated.
"No.. No more paperwork. But they aren't allowing partners in… so we can book our transfers, they don't have waits right now. But… you would not be allowed in the room."
"NO!" Cosima cannot contain her initial reaction. "No. Then… let's find another way."
"There isn't… restrictions may ease over the summer… but that's more waiting."
"And then I'll be in Minnesota." Cosima nods. Her next trip to meet her advisor is booked for mid-May. And then she'll be there for weeks in July so she can quarantine appropriately after and before.
"Yes… so we should try to transfer late April or early May before you go… and then if that doesn't take… June… And… we could try again August or September. Or we could take a break after every two cycles if…"
"Delphine, we don't need to plan out every single try."
"You're right."
"So what do we do?"
"We wait until I get my period, and then I call them. Then… once I hit day 10 I take ovulation tests. Which we can do at home. And then they can confirm the positive with blood work."
"So… they can put the embryo in with precise timing?"
"Exactly."
"Well that doesn't sound too complicated. I guess that's all they do with an unmedicated transfer. Time it. Thaw it. Pop it in." Cosima thinks. "And… I can go to the clinic? Just not inside?"
"They said you can wait downstairs, and meet me on my way out."
"I guess it'll have to do." Cosima sighs, not liking the feeling of being left out of this. "You're what… a week away from your period?"
"Nine days." Delphine was as precise as she was regular.
"So… that means…"
"Transfer end of April… beginning of May… depending." Delphine estimates.
Cosima runs the math. That would put the baby being born in… January? Or… maybe end of December? "Do you really want to have a baby born in the Canadian winter?" The fact she may be gone when Delphine finds out whether or not she's pregnant is a bit of a problem. But maybe she could move the trip back?
"Toronto winters are not that bad." Delphine brushes off the question, taking Cosima by the hand as they make their way back to their condo. Which they both agreed, even with just the two of them, now felt too small.
"No… they're not. March isn't much better." Cosima jokes.
"Non. Just warmer. Usually." Delphine sighs. "But we will just have to try. There are no guarantees in any of this."
"I know… I know…"
"So… one step at a time."
"Yeah." Cosima agrees readily. "And in the meantime… at least one of us is vaccinated."
"Ma chérie…"
"You know it may actually make more sense for me to do the groceries now."
"You might be right." Delphine glances at her. "But I think… I think we'll keep taking precautions and sharing it."
"So… if you might get pregnant in less than a month… what do you want to do first? Eat sushi? Get a really good bottle of wine? Or some good craft beer…. Just like… live it up."
"A bottle of wine, sure." Delphine agrees. "We can grab one on our way home."
"Mmmm well I like this plan."
"Moi aussi." Delphine lowers her voice. "I am thinking we could spend a very romantic afternoon…"
"Ooh… I like the sound of that."
"Just wait." Delphine teases her. A new habit that is working wonders on their sexual frequency. And Cosima forgets about trying to move. Maybe prices would be less crazy in the fall? Surely Delphine could move pregnant if needed, right?