Early June 2021
"I am so nervous." Cosima paces around downstairs. She still isn't allowed in. It's just like the last time. Delphine thinks this is unfair in terms of embryo transfers but they'd known the policy when they'd signed off for the first transfer in April. The more of these they did, the more anxious Cosima became. At least they could FaceTime through it, Delphine thought. Cosima was at the clinic and would be allowed to meet her downstairs and escort her to the car. That was as much togetherness as they were permitted through this due to covid. The staff was apologetic, more so because they were a same-sex couple and they understood that they both wanted Cosima to feel connected to this process. Little do they know, Delphine thinks wryly.
"It is just a frozen embryo transfer. It's not even our first one." Delphine says as much for Cosima's benefit as her own. The worst part, Delphine thought, really was that Cosima was not permitted in the room due to infection protocols. She has already looked into some of her options for birth, assuming one of the transfers is successful. She wonders what Cosima will think of her… back to nature sort of plan. As if that could make up for all the intervention now. And prevent them from having too many contacts in a hospital setting.
"Yeah but the last one failed. You cried when you got your period." Cosima reminds her, and she knows that Cosima felt the disappointment just as sharply. "And when the first embryo didn't survive thawing and had to be subbed for another."
"I know… trying to conceive is emotional." Delphine excuses it. She's nervous too, the more embryos they have to transfer, the fewer they have in reserve. Each was a unique possible child. Each had potential. But the loss of each one hurt. More than she wanted to admit to Cosima.
"Do you think acupuncture will make a difference?" Cosima brightens at the thought.
"Statistically it improves our chances. So… it's booked for tomorrow morning." Delphine sighs. "And maybe this one will implant."
"Are you still thinking about 35delG?" Cosima asks, no doubt concerned about her worries.
"Yes. I know this embryo carries it." Delphine admits. She knows this embryo isn't perfect . But it is half her, and half Cosima and that has to be enough. Her 'perfect' embryo hadn't implanted, for whatever reason. 20% chance of success, Delphine reminds herself. Each transfer has a 20% chance of success. She knows the statistics, it doesn't stop hope from bubbling up inside her just to be dashed after a couple weeks. And any pregnancy resulting would carry a risk of miscarriage, though she is hopeful since their embryos passed the genetic screening that it would be lower.
"So do you, and you, are absolutely perfect." Cosima leans in and blows a kiss through the phone. "Wouldn't change a thing."
"I wish you were here with me." Delphine glances around the treatment room. She knows within minutes the procedure will begin.
"I am with you." Cosima reminds her. "I'll stay on the call the whole time. I love you."
The nurses enter the room, masked faces smiling behind face shields. "Mrs. Cormier?"
"Dr. Cormier." Cosima corrects through the phone. "I'm Mrs. Cormier." Cosima waves in that adorable way she's always loved and the nurse just smiles at them under her mask and face shield.
Delphine giggles at this. Of course Cosima hadn't changed her name. But she did get a kick out of being Dr. and Mrs. Cormier. It never failed to amuse her wife.
Their fertility doctor is close behind. "OK. Unmedicated frozen embryo transfer for Dr. Delphine Cormier."
"Yes." Delphine nods, she is agreeable as they put her legs up into stirrups and talk her through the process the same as they had last month. The speculum is inserted and then the catheter is threaded through her cervix into her uterus. She watches the process, but doesn't react to the sting of pain involved. It will be brief, and then they return to the wait and see part of the process that is liable to drive her insane.
"So you'll stay for 15 minutes, then you are free to go."
Delphine nods. "Thank you."
"PhD or medical?" Her doctor asks for the fifth time since they'd met him. He clearly has so many patients he cannot keep them straight.
"Both." Delphine tells him at the same time as Cosima.
They both laugh, and her doctor looks briefly impressed with her. But all she can do is count down the minutes until she's back with Cosima. She tries to focus on the mental image, a thought of she and Cosima holding a perfect newborn. That is the goal, Delphine reminds herself. Their child. And they will keep trying.
Once they let her go, she redresses, throwing her linen capris back on, she changes her medical mask for a cloth one at the bottom of the stairs. She might as well. They'll be outside soon anyway.
And when she finally opens the stairwell, having decided to descend that way Cosima wraps her in her arms. And she knows If they weren't masked, they would be kissing now. It seems silly, and possibly counter productive but the idea of taking Cosima home and making love to her now seems very appealing. Trying to re-establish their connection in all of this.
"You did great." Cosima tells her. "Come on… I've got a dessert with your name on it. We could swing by a café, and just chill the two of us."
"I should go home to rest."
"Really? Does that actually improve outcomes?" Cosima asks. "Because I thought Dr. MacIsaac said it doesn't matter. I mean he advises against vigorous activity for.. What? 24-48 hours?"
"Non. And I rested last time. And that didn't work." Delphine agrees and lets Cosima lead her to her car.
"I'll drive." Cosima offers. "Dessert?"
"Yes." Delphine decides as she's buckling up. She glances to their small backseat and thinks again, if this works they need to sell the Audi. It looks too limiting for a car seat.
"Don't get so ahead of yourself Dr. Cormier. We're trying." Cosima tells her. "We are doing the best we can… and we'll see what happens."
"Of course."
"If it's meant to be, it will be." Cosima tries. "I think... I think we have to try to believe that."
"Like us?" Delphine prompts, knowing the affectionate respond this will elicit.
"Exactly like us." Cosima smiles widely, pulling her towards the overpriced parking lot near the fertility clinic.
"And if this baby… is meant to be… she will be." Delphine agrees. Trying to believe it too.
"Cosima…" Delphine shakes her wife awake 12 days later. She hadn't meant to wake Cosima before 8 am, knowing from many years of marriage that Cosima rarely enjoyed early mornings without a good cup of tea and some encouragement in the form of lovemaking or already prepared food. But she couldn't wait. Just couldn't wait.
"What?" Cosima groans into her pillow. She's naked and comfortably wrapped in their blankets. Delphine feels almost bad, but she holds out the tiny plastic stick. She'd purchased them yesterday on her way home. The first time she'd had a pregnancy test in her possession in over a decade. And by far the only time she'd been excited to purchase them.
"It's positive." Delphine announces. "We are pregnant, mon amour. We are going to have a baby!" And in that moment Delphine forces out any fears, any anxieties. This pregnancy will be healthy, she convinces herself. Her baby will be born perfect. She and Cosima will be parents.
"We haven't gone for the blood test yet. It's scheduled for today… or tomorrow?" Cosima pushes herself up out of their white sheets. Delphine hadn't raised the blinds yet, knowing the huge windows of the condo would wake Cosima far too early if she had.
"It's tomorrow. And... I took a home pregnancy test. It is positive." Delphine tells her, absolutely delighted. Two pink lines had never seemed so exciting. She waves the test again.
"You're pregnant?" She doesn't expect the thrill in Cosima's voice. The way it almost squeaks at the end. A reaction, their little science project comes to fruition.
" We are pregnant." Delphine corrects her. "This is your baby too, I am just… I am just carrying her." She may have to do the… heavy lifting of this process. But she wants Cosima to feel as part of it as humanly possible.
"Delphine…" Cosima sits up and begins happily kissing her wife. "I am so… so happy." Cosima giggles a little, and this reaction delights her. She knows there will be room for all of Cosima's feelings regarding this process, as there had been during the early stages. But those... those could come later.
Delphine pulls up her phone, and finds a site to run a quick calculation. "5 day embryo transfer on… June 2nd… Our due date is February 18th 2022."
"Perfect." Cosima decides. "Really cold… but perfect."
"So… sometime in February we should be meeting our baby." Delphine grins at the thought. "If… if all goes well."
"Wow." Cosima nods, seemingly beginning to digest their altering reality.
"This… this is a great success, Cosima." Delphine is smiling at her. "We… did it."
"Yeah. We did." Cosima nods thoughtfully. "Just it's… just another big secret. But it has to be… I don't want people trying to experiment on our baby. Or… wanting to submit her to genetic testing. Who knows what people would want to do to her." Cosima shakes her head, clearly imagining horrific scenarios where their baby becomes an experiment. Something neither of them can allow.
"Yes… for now." Delphine doesn't think it will be able to stay hidden forever. And maybe...maybe it shouldn't. But for the time being, it is something they will keep quiet. Scott has agreed to keep his mouth shut, so it was really up to her… and more importantly, to Cosima.
"So… when do we tell people? I mean that you're pregnant. Not the bone marrow pseudo-sperm thing." Cosima's hands are moving, and for a minute, Delphine wonders if she is agitated. But Cosima seems to calm.
"When… I am near the end of my first trimester… traditionally. Between 10 and 12 weeks… I think." Delphine thinks it out. "I would be OK with telling a few people before that … if you like. But not my parents." That much she is content to wait until 12 weeks for. No sense dealing with a difficult conversation weeks before she had to.
"I… guess I should tell my parents… in a few weeks." Cosima tilts her head. "I know my mom and dad would appreciate knowing about their impending grandparenthood. But I want to make sure we are going to term… you know? They'd be devastated especially with their own history of infertility."
"They will be surprised." Delphine knows all this. She's seen Cosima's file. Knows that Gene and Sally Niehaus were able to get pregnant with intervention, but not stay pregnant. Until Dyad had waltzed in and swapped one of their embryos for Cosima. She'd been their miracle, and Delphine was reluctant to ruin that illusion for Gene and Sally in any way.
"They might be, but they also know how crazy I am about you." Cosima nods. "I just… I need the pregnancy to be advanced enough that my mom won't be like… calling weekly and lighting daily candles for her unborn grandchild."
"And your sisters?"
"I want to tell Sarah, Helena and Alison… I just… I wish I could do it in person."
"Once we are all vaccinated…And I know they've all taken a first dose, Donnie too… I would be comfortable with an outdoor gathering."
"So like… we have a family thing end of August and tell them you're pregnant?" Cosima is noticeably toying with the idea.
"We could. Unless you want to tell them sooner." Delphine bites her lip thoughtfully.
"I'm not sure yet. Let's… wait on the beta." Cosima states after some consideration.
"So… how are you feeling about… this." Delphine waves one hand around her still-flat midsection.
"I'm really… excited. Also.. nervous. About something going wrong. About not being a good parent… there's so much to this, you know?"
"I know. But we can do it." Delphine leans in and begins kissing Cosima, who responds more amorously than she expects. She kisses back, she wants all of this so much. The tiny zygote nestled into her uterus. Cosima's love. The hope of their little family existing here.
Cosima's hands are in her hair, her mouth firmly, enthusiastically working over her body. Her mouth meets Cosima, tongue demanding entrance. She cups her wife's naked breasts in her hands as she settles over her. Sucks at one perfect nipple and then the other, moves her way down Cosima's body. Listing to the perfect sounds.
"Oh Delphine…" Cosima murmurs out just as she's nuzzling the tuft of hair between Cosima's legs. She delves in with her tongue, making contact. She makes love to her with her mouth, as tenderly as she can. Intent on drawing everything out. Intent on savouring the beauty of this moment, committing it to memory for later. Cosima's taste coating her tongue, the roof of her mouth. The little moans that turn to whimpering just before Cosima comes. And strong hands clutching at her hair until finally Cosima relaxes beneath her.
"Mmm…. Good morning." Delphine mumbles once she's reluctantly parted her mouth from Cosima's sex. Maybe this was the perfect way to celebrate after all.
"Wow… definitely a good morning… We should like… order in brunch and just… do that all morning.
"We could…" Delphine draws out the word, but drops to kiss just above Cosima's pubic bone. She lets the hairs tickle her nose. She thinks about Cosima's uterus, her ovaries… and the child inside her that defies Cosima's creators' intentions. They have done it. They have overcome this too. Cosima and she would have a child. Cosima's infertility wasn't without a solution. And maybe, part of the technique could help others… at least in a way. Ova were easier to create from bone marrow than sperm cells, that much was determined in animal studies. And maybe some Ledas would want that, genetic children from themselves and their partners, even if the babies would have to be carried by surrogates. But still... A solution for some. Delphine considers the ramifications of what they've done but decides it is a conversation for much later.
"Oh shit. I just remembered. We… we really need to move now." Cosima begins laughing, back pressed to the mattress. Delphine pops her head up, looking around the master bedroom of their soon to be much too small one bedroom condo.
"Oui, ma chérie. We do." Delphine agrees, but instead of pulling back, she pushes back into Cosima. Eager for a second, and third, round of lovemaking. This morning, it will be just the two of them. Or… two and a half.