It shifts, Delphine realizes and she calms. Contractions stop cresting on each other. Everything is OK. She is going to make it through with Cosima by her side. In her arms. And they will manage this together.
"I think it's time for another check…" Liz reaches down again and checks her, an awkward experience. But the result is pleasing. "We've hit ten."
"So… do we push?" Delphine asks. Cosima smiles at her, they are almost done. She can do this. There's not much left to do. Their baby is almost here and the thought thrills her.
"No… you wait for the urge to push. Just…let your body take it's time if it needs to. This is… part of the process." Liz tells her.
She rests against Cosima instead, letting herself float. She feels no more contractions, just the warmth of the water and of Cosima's skin. Finally, she feels the urge and begins pushing experimentally.
"Just like that." Liz tells her. "Slow is better… Less tearing."
Delphine pushes and makes low deep sounds, and Cosima seems to react to them. But she holds Delphine, their faces close together, and it's pretty perfect now. The two of them, their birth, their baby. Pushing is preferable to the contractions and she finds the relief of it amazing.
"What is it?" Delphine asks, when taking a break for some deep breathing.
"You are rocking it. And this is… kind of super primal. It's amazing. You're amazing." Cosima tells Delphine, looking entirely enthralled. "You are so close now."
"Yes." Delphine agrees. "Sors bébé." Delphine shifts again. She grabs on to the edge of the birthing pool, pushing herself up into a squatting position. Cosima leans in close, they're nearly entangled. But Liz only moves to improve her view.
"Great… that's perfect. Just push with your urges. Deep breathing…let it happen." Lydia encourages them. When they pause, Liz uses the doppler to quickly check Elodie's heartbeat. It sounds quick, but perfect.
"I see a head. And her heart rate is perfect. You're doing amazingly." Liz tells them…"She's crowning… Do you want to reach down and touch Delphine?"
"Non… Cosima… I want you to." Delphine tells her. "I want you to touch our baby first." She pushes up on her knees, trying to get in a better position to birth.
"I'm already going to catch her." Cosima argues. "Right? As long as everything looks good."
"Everything looks perfect. And there go the waters… really good." Lydia butts in, kneeling next to the pool. She looks at Delphine and then Cosima. "Just nice and slow, ease the baby out. You can ask Cosima to support your perineum if you want."
"I can do that. Totally." Cosima offers. "Just like with a hand, right?"
"Yes." Liz echoes the same. "Lots of mothers choose to do that. If it feels good and it helps? Go for it."
Delphine's focus remains on breathing, on pushing down, on getting her daughter out of her and into the world. It is easy enough, she finds, her body seemingly intent on expelling her daughter as she works with it. It is impossible not to push, she realizes.
Cosima obeys and leans down with one open hand. "Oh… wow." She feels Cosima's hand against her, and the baby's head stretching her open. It burns a little, and she slows taking a couple deep breaths. The thought of tearing is intimidating. And very possible.
"Ohh." Delphine cries out loudly, her eyes shut but only for a minute. She will have to push. There is no other option.
"Slowly." Cosima repeats. "You can totally do this, Delphine."
"I'll push her out into your hands." Delphine tells her, feeling somehow rejuvenated now that she's finally pushing. She pauses between contractions, waiting for the urge to return. She wants to look at Cosima… wants to share this with her.
"Yeah… my hands are right here." Cosima nods at her.
The next contraction is the last, Delphine pushes and the baby slips out. Her body quickly slides out after her head, the whole tiny body twisting on her way out. And then she's in the water. Delphine looks down. And there she is.
Élodie. In Cosima's hands. Still tethered to her by her dark, pulsing umbilical cord. She looks grayish which worries her at first, even knowing this is normal.
"OK. Bring her up and she'll start breathing. And pink up." Liz tells them, and they do. Her hands meet Cosima's and they pull Élodie up and out of the water together. Élodie is slippery, but they do not lose their grip. Their baby lets out a series of cries. Her skin is painted with patches of vernix, and Cosima pushes her into her chest. Élodie cries again, a raspy 'waaah!' and she cannot stop smiling at her.
She wraps her arms around Élodie… The relief she felt while pushing remains, as does a sense of completion. Of total elation. Delphine smiles widely, at her baby, at her wife. She did it. She has done this.
Cosima is tearing up, staring back at her. At Élodie. And it feels perfect. They'd made the right choice. The home birth was the right choice, Delphine thinks. As exhausting as it has been.
"Oh my god!" Cosima squeaks out emotionally, looking back at her. Back at them.
"It's over." Delphine sighs, looking at her baby. She is sore and will be sore. But it is so worth it. The water is tinged with blood and fluids, but she cannot care. She just wants to stare at their daughter.
Cosima snuggles them both, forehead to forehead. "I love you… So, so much. You did it!"
"So… do you have a name?" Liz steps in, putting a small blue towel over her and Elodie, likely for warmth, Delphine thinks. Though she finds she now wants to get out of the pool. It seems… gross now.
"A first name. Elodie." Cosima tells their midwife plainly. "We're still working out the middle name thing…"
"Élodie." Delphine croons, stroking a hand down her daughter's tiny back. She is so very small, Delphine thinks. And so soft under her hands. Her skin is the softest Delphine has ever felt. Her tiny face looks up at her quizzically. And Delphine coos back at her adorable newborn confusion.
Liz and Cosima have to help her out of the pool, and at first, just onto the couch. She walks slowly and gingerly through the kitchen en route - unsurprised with the tenderness and soreness she feels after all this.
Delphine tries not to mind as Liz helps her latch Élodie to her breast, having had her first little feed in the birthing pool. And then they weigh her on the portable scale. Her buck naked baby fusses and she finds her arms feel empty. She wants her back in her arms, pressed to her bare skin. Wants closeness. She finally begins to mind that she is naked, and asks Cosima to fetch the wrap-around birthing gown from upstairs, which Cosima does. The placenta still needs to be delivered, a fact both Lydia and Liz remind her off as Cosima's running up the stairs. Each one sounding the impact of her feet.
They deliver the placenta with her standing about 31 minutes after Élodie is born. Cosima holds Élodie, still attached by her now empty umbilical cord as they do. Cosima is right up against her, and she smiles even as she finds this part of the process… a little gross. A natural third stage may not be strictly speaking necessary. But it feels good to finish as they began it. Cosima shakily cuts the cord, and the placenta is taken away in… one of their mixing bowls. Delphine winces but only briefly.
"Amazing." Cosima tells her. They let Liz give them a full placenta tour, and then Cosima insists on freezing the damn thing. Her wife is almost naked aside from soaked panties from the birthing pool, and digging for a freezer bag. Delphine wonders comes now? Do they go to bed? Does she have to climb up all those stairs? Should she make Cosima fetch the moses basket for Élodie to rest in here? She doesn't think she's up to making it up the stairs.
The secondary midwife Niamh arrives - having missed the entire birth and she says hello to them and then busies herself cleaning up. Which makes sense, Delphine thinks, from her seat on a very large chux pad.
"I will not eat it." Delphine is clear about this, even as she cradles her tiny precious Élodie in her arms. "I will let you bury it under a tree or shrub outside, if you must."
"Totally will plant it." Cosima tells her. "It's supposed to be amazing fertilizer. Plus we could like make a little ritual out of it. Thanking it for sustaining Elodie and all that.."
"2.8 kgs." Liz announces. "She's little." Élodie squawks in response to being weighed and Delphine eagerly holds her arms out to take her baby back. Élodie seems soothed, pressed to her skin. And hungry, her little fists coming up to her mouth.
"She is perfect." Delphine corrects her midwife, she has a small… skid mark Liz called it. But hopefully not a real tear. Thankfully. And suspects that while she'll be sore a long while and use that donut cushion for weeks, she will recover.
"What is that in pounds?" Cosima asks, having returned having thrown on a tank and harem pants, as she helps dress Delphine, leaving her breasts bare. Her nipples are darker, and Élodie mouths her tiny fist, rooting to be put back to the breast. Delphine of course obliges her, with help.
"About… 6 lbs 2 oz." Lydia tells them, still snapping photos. Delphine wonders what images from this profound experience will stand out to them afterwards.
"I am hungry." Delphine comments as she's nursing her little Élodie again Her petit trésor. She will find pet names for her. Cute things to call her, like she does Cosima. To show her love, her affection.
"Babe… I will order you whatever damn kind of takeout you want." Cosima leans in and kisses her briefly. A hand drifting down to Élodie's tiny head.
"You decide, Cosima…" Delphine looks down at Élodie. Her hair is dark, like Cosima's, she muses. Her tiny face is beautiful. But it isn't clear who she really looks like.
"She is gorgeous." Lydia tells them both. "I'll stay another hour, and then I have to get home for dinner."
"What…time is it?" Delphine asks.
"It's about 4:00 now." Liz tells them. "Time of birth was… 3:15 pm, February 14th 2022."
"Perfect. Pi." Cosima giggles. "I'll order… Thai? Something with shrimp? Do you want sushi, Delphine? Is that what you want?"
Delphine nods, and Cosima begins rummaging for her phone, which she'd apparently left on the kitchen counter since Lydia had arrived to take over the timing.
Her sushi arrives 45 minutes later, Cosima having made her a quick smoothie with frozen fruit in the meantime. She drinks it slowly. Admiring every finger and toe on their baby.
"She looks…really good." Cosima grins at her. Cosima looks down at Élodie, but only brushes a tiny cheek quickly with two soft fingers. Cosima snaps the chopsticks and offers her a piece of salmon nigiri which Delphine quickly accepts. She is hungry. Very very hungry.
"She looks…like ours." Delphine finishes, catching the drift.
Cosima serves her sushi, and begins feeding her piece by piece with chopsticks. Intent on getting nourishment into her. It's fish too, Delphine thinks. For her preferences.
"I know it's silly… but I think part of me was expecting her to be blonde… Yes I know you're not really blonde."
"I wasn't… I was expecting somewhere between… light brown and this." Delphine smiles, she looks at the wet dark hairs on Élodie's head. It's a little sparse, for now. But she anticipates the hair growing longer, curly… but not just yet. Élodie's features are delicate, even at birth, and this too makes her smile.
"Deeper latch." Lydia suggests, as she and Liz attend to cleaning up with Niamh. The pool is drained, and cleanup continues. Delphine submits to a quick check with Liz.
"So… you did tear, but only a little and it's first degree." Liz smiles. "I don't need to stitch it, it should heal well on its own. But it may burn a little when you pee. Just be aware."
Delphine nods, unsurprised. "I felt it." She had been fairly certain she had.
"I will do your first home visit tomorrow morning." Liz promises them. "You'll get three home visits, and then appointments will be in the clinic. I also recommend you take stool softeners for a while. It will help."
"Can we… get that extended?" Delphine asks, understanding that postpartum is far from glamorous. She takes note of Cosima's own meal of cucumber rolls and some vegetable teriyaki. Likely meant for quick energy intake.
"Delphine… just go with it, baby… We'll be OK." Cosima assures her. "You need to eat… and rest… I hope."
"I cannot rest." Delphine cannot explain the restlessness, the energy, the fixation. She supposes this hormonal state is to have her fixated with and bonding with her infant. But she's not sure she could sleep if she tried. And she doesn't want Élodie any further than her own arms. Though she will have to let Cosima have a turn, and soon.
She watches Cosima nervously take Élodie from her arms when Liz assists her in walking to their small washroom. Cosima seems to be talking to herself. But is otherwise managing well.
When she returns from her… fateful first washroom trip, Cosima has Élodie laid on the couch as she puts a tiny cloth diaper on her bum and wraps her in one of their receiving blankets. Somehow Cosima had acquired not only prefolds and one-size diapers for later on, but an entire small collection of newborn sized diapers once Élodie had been shown to be measuring small. And while Cosima's hands shake a little, she manages just fine.
"She is beautiful." Delphine tells her wife. "Thank you."
"You did all the work." Coisma quips. And Delphine cannot argue. Not with the exhaustion of it all.
"I did… but she wouldn't exist without you." Delphine speaks very quietly, looking lovingly at her.
February 15th 2022
"You barely slept." Cosima tells her, awkwardly cuddling Élodie to her chest. She watches Delphine take a quick shower in their bathroom. Cosima had of course brought in Élodie so she could watch her maman shower. And honestly, it felt good having her close. As close as possible. She still moves slowly, and only as she's toweling off does she really look at herself. Her belly is still distended but a little smaller, as if she is still six months pregnant. She wonders how the photos of the birth will look. If she will love them… or hate them.
"I couldn't sleep." Delphine admits. She'd kept one hand in the bassinet all night, she'd just wanted to hold Élodie. To stare at her. She brought her to the breast any time the child rooted or brought her hand to her mouth. In the dark, with a newborn, breastfeeding was more challenging than she'd thought. But she'd unlatched and relatched, aiming to get as much of her breast in Élodie's very small mouth as possible.
"Yeah. I slept." Cosima admits. "When not cleaning meconium off her tiny bum with olive oil. Or that French liniment stuff… it's pretty good."
Delphine giggles. "How… are you feeling?" She throws on the wrap birthing gown, figuring this is as closed to dressed as she'll bother to get for several days. Both for comfort and ease of access. The postpartum pads are huge, though Cosima having made 'padsicles' out of some of them provided her sore vulva with some much needed relief.
"Umm nervous. Like we suddenly have a helpless baby to take care of… like… four days before expected." Cosima bounces Élodie slightly, waiting for Delphine to finish dressing.
"Due dates are approximate."
"Yes I know that… And so much for our Valentine's Day plans."
"What were our plans?" Delphine asks, eying Cosima snuggling Élodie who looks like she might be trying to root against Cosima. She leaves it for the moment, but suspects she'll need to feed again soon.
"Well… I thought we would be having lots of sex. I was going to order us some really good Thai takeout from that place you like… Massages… But labour kind of threw a wrench in my plans. Which is fine." Cosima tells her bluntly. "In reality, I know we're not having sex for months ."
"We technically can at six weeks postpartum." Delphine offers logically. Though the thought of Cosima going anywhere near her sore postpartum vulva sounded like the worst idea ever.
"But in reality…you just pushed a human through there. I remember it vividly. That whole area needs what? Three or four months of rest and recuperation? I don't want to do it before you're ready. Plus… this little one… oh she's hungry." Cosima pauses to hand Élodie back and give her one of her expensive nursing pillows. She adjusts position and tries to latch Élodie on like she was shown. It works and Delphine breathes a sigh of relief. It's not uncomfortable this time. They are getting this. They are learning together. Even if she's consulting her L'art de l'allaitement maternel book consistently trying to make sure latching is perfect.
"Aww…" Cosima coos. "My girls." Cosima begins to dress, glancing back at them every so often.
"Did you sleep much?" Delphine asks. She thinks she'd been away most of the night. But she suspects Cosima had gotten some sleep.
"Off and on." Cosima nods. "It's… about what I expected. She went through five cloth diapers last night… I think I'll have to do laundry tonight."
"How many diapers did you buy?" Delphine raises an eyebrow. She's not sure now. She knows that there's a full cloth diaper caddy with wipes and a wet bag in the bedroom, as well as the well stocked changing table and pail in Élodie's room. But she hasn't exactly counted them.
"Umm… like over 40… but only 12 little newborn ones like that, plus a tiny pack of prefolds… the infant prefolds should work once she's 7 lbs.. And she loses the cord stump." Cosima points.
"Right." Delphine looks at her tiny baby, clad in nothing but a cloth diaper with cartoon avocados. "Is that why this one snaps down in the front?"
"Yep." Cosima nods. "I did the research. Plus these are adorable … but they only last to like… to 15 lbs. I figured I would clean them, sun bleach them and resell them in the summer when Élodie outgrows them."
"It is cute." Delphine agrees. She looks at Élodie's little wrinkly feet. "When… when should we register her birth?"
"Well… we have a few weeks… I mean, if you still want her to have a middle name."
"I do." Delphine tells her wife without looking up from their daughter. She is obsessed, Delphine thinks. She cannot stop wanting to look at Élodie. To touch her soft skin. To hold her in her arms. And maybe, Cosima's attachment will be similar. Maybe this newborn period will be both brief and very beautiful, if exhausting.
"I also bought a sling, a stretchy wrap and like this baby carrier thing… umm called a chimparoo trek." Cosima admits. "I… have been trying to figure out how I am going to soothe her."
"Cosima…you don't need to…do all that."
"Well.. I want to… I mean I don't have milky boobs. That's you. So I have to find my own ways. I figure I'll wear her. I was going to put her in the stretchy wrap later for skin to skin. When she's just fed though. I don't want her getting hungry. And I am still afraid I might hurt her."
"Cosima… you will not hurt our daughter." Delphine is firm on this, but soft. "You have been diapering her… you're doing a great job. And you can do skin on skin as soon as I am done feeding."
"All I am doing is cleaning meconium off a tiny vulva and bum." Cosima shrugs off the praise. "I wipe her off, I put a clean diaper on, I throw the other one in the wet bag."
"Still important." Delphine looks at their baby, who won't even be bathed for a couple more days. Supposedly not bathing them is better for their skin and microbiome.
"It is." Cosima thinks aloud. "But… I need to figure out how I am going to be… mommy. I need to find my own way with her. And… support you of course. And I have ideas."
"LIke what?"
"Well… for a middle name for starters." Cosima tilts her head, her tongue poking out between her teeth.
"What would that be, mon amour?"
Cosima is grinning madly by the time she says it. "Valentine."
Delphine cannot help laughing. There are worse ideas she supposes. It can at least be discussed.
"What? She was born on Valentine's Day."
"It is alright." Delphine nods. "But… I do not know if I like it enough."
"Élodie Valentine Niehaus-Cormier not doing it for you?"
"Well… non." Delphine stops, but only to latch Élodie to her other breast. It takes a couple attempts to get the latch deep enough to be comfortable. She supposes this is her new normal.
"Well seriously… what do you want?" Cosima asks.
"About the name?"
Cosima looks at her, eyes wide and soft. "Delphine. I just watched you grow and birth an entire human. Like. I will bring your meals up to this bed. I… seriously. Just let me take care of you. I am nervous about dressing Élodie, so she can really hang out in a diaper and blanket skin to skin with one of us for now. But, let me help you."
"OK." Delphine smiles slowly. "I want breakfast. And I do not want to go down all of the stairs. I am sore."
"OK. Your wish is my command." Cosima quips. "What would you like?"
"Poached eggs. On toast. With fruit… and more water. I am so thirsty." Delphine expresses her needs and watches her wife jump up and get to it.
She supposes, this is just the stage they are at. And this too, will pass.