Author Notes - Heads-up, I guess. This chapter contains this story's only use of any coarse language rougher than 'crap'. I think I put it in a pretty good place, if I can only use it once.

Reading through this chapter again for proofreading purpores made it obvious to me just how much I like writing Lori. Like, she may not be my favourite of the Loud sisters (though she takes the third spot), but she might be my favourite to write.

CHAPTER FIVE - BOYS DON'T TELL

After a few minutes, standing there with his eye hurting like crazy, he decided to make his way back home. He kept his eye covered up by his hands, hoping that no one in this quiet neighbourhood would notice. The entire journey back, his mind wouldn't stop worrying.

What do I tell them? Will they dote over me endlessly like they always do when I get hurt, or are they gonna try telling me that this means she likes me even more?

He cringed as he thought about it. According to them, girls would often punch the boy they were interested in. Which made all those times Lynn punched him a little awkward to think about, but he assumed that (hopefully) brothers and sisters were excluded from that. But, after the weeks they had been dating, he was all but certain that she really didn't love him.

The constant bullying, the humiliation, restricting him from seeing his own friends… none of it seemed right. Was this really what love was about, according to his sisters? He thought about Lori's relationship with Bobby - they got along beautifully, with hardly any 'bullying' at all.

'Nice black eye, Larry!'

All Lincoln could do upon hearing this voice was groan. He recognised that annoying and jeering tone from anywhere, and wasn't surprised at all to see the redheaded bully on his bike standing right next to him. Must've been too deep into his thoughts to notice Chandler biking towards him.

'Yep.' Lincoln said. 'You noticed. What's your point?'

'Who gave you that black eye?' Chandler asked, clearly just to get more ammo. 'Your sisters?'

The white-haired boy rolled his eyes. 'No. It was… my girlfriend.'

He regretted giving such an answer when Chandler burst into laughter so intense that tears came to his eyes. Lincoln wasn't upset or angry; just annoyed, especially when the laughter went on for quite a bit.

'You done yet?' He asked.

'OH, that is hysterical!' Chandler said, wiping his eyes. 'I can't believe it… you're getting henpecked by some random girl! HA HA HAAA! … Well, actually, I can totally believe it. You already get henpecked by your sisters, so why not your girlfriend too!'

Lincoln groaned. 'Why is this funny to you?'

'It's always funny to see a boy get beaten up by a bunch of girls!'

The only Loud boy chuckled, silently, to himself. Chandler had just given him the mental image of all ten of his sisters - yes, even Lily - beating the daylights out of him for saying such mean things about their brother, and it was indeed as funny as Chandler claimed. Though, the more that he thought about it, the more uncomfortable he got. Not about Chandler getting beaten up, of course, because anyone would want to see that.

It was the thought that a girl beating up a boy was apparently funny. Even though if he ever hit a girl, he would've been demonised.

'Don't you have anything better to do?' Lincoln asked, cocking an eyebrow. 'Like doing anything else?'

'Nah!' Chandler replied. 'It's way more fun to make fun of you!'

He cycled away, laughing like a maniac as Lincoln continued walking down the path while trying to ignore him. Unfortunately for Chandler - but fortunately for anyone else - he was so busy laughing at Lincoln that he went off road and ran directly into a rock.

'WOAH!'

And then got flung off his bike, whereupon he landed in a bush.

'AHHH!' He screamed. 'OH, THERE ARE THORNS EVERYWHERE!'

Lincoln would've loved to get some satisfaction out of seeing his 'main' bully get tormented by his own idiocy, but he was too busy thinking about what he would do once he got home.

They'll probably just think it means she loves me even more. Which is definitely not the case. … I gotta hide it.

As he approached his address, completely unsure of what he wanted to do, he could hear the TV - the sisters loved to turn it up, after all. It sounded like the newest episode of The Dream Boat, and upon hearing its intro he sighed in relief. Well, that would provide a more than adequate distraction. He started walking towards the front door, before he quickly changed his mind.

If I go through the front door, they'll see me instantly. And then see the black eye. Which isn't exactly what I want.

After just a moment of thinking, he vaulted over the gate (with much struggling) and entered the backyard instead. Charles was outside, napping in the sun, but otherwise the yard was completely free for once. Luckily for Lincoln, the back door was unlocked so he could open it up with ease. He cringed with every squeak the rusty hinges emitted, but he didn't worry too much since very little could tear his sisters away from The Dream Boat.

Oh, I don't wanna miss it either… not after Loanne and Steven kissed on the deck, just as Alexandra was standing right there! But I can't let them see… this.

Standing in the dining room, he waited until a particularly dramatic moment…

'Aw, come on!' Lynn yelled. 'Why are you going out with him, Alex? He was BLATANTLY cheating on you!'

'She's literally throwing her life away!' Lori said.

Seizing this opportunity, he slipped right around the corner and ran up the stairs as fast - and as quietly - as he could manage. Little did he notice a pair of small eyes watching him disappear into the upper floor, without even giving his sisters a quick hello.

'Winky?'

Now that he was at the top floor, Lincoln releashed the breath he was holding and relaxed. Safe from view, he ran all the way to the unoccupied bathroom. What a miracle it seemed like sometimes to see the lavatory totally empty. When he saw his reflection in the mirror, he cringed once again.

No way in heck they weren't gonna notice that. Even Lisa with her glasses off could see it a mile away.

Well… looks like 'Operation Cover Up My Black Eye So My Sisters Don't Question It and Put Me in a Worse Situation While I Come Up With a Shorter Name for This Operation' is a go. The best way to cover up a blemish is with make-up, and the best place to find make-up in this house is… He gulped. Lori's room.

He hated the thought of infiltrating Lori's room without her permission - a recipe for a very bad time - but the only other places he could think of for make-up were Lola's room and Mom's room. Touching Lola's make-up was a one-way ticket to death, and Mom's room was way too close to his sisters, so Lori's was unfortunately the only choice.

It's fine. I'll just get in there and get out before she even notices. And if I fail… I'll have a lot more than a black eye to deal with.

Taking each step as carefully as he could, he thanked the stars that Lori's room was so close to the bathroom and turned the doorknob slowly. He cringed as the knob and hinges squeaked, but he managed to open it without a problem.

Okay, now where does Lori keep her make-up? She's gotta hide it somewhere, or Leni will use it. And it isn't all too difficult to hide things from Leni.

The first idea that came to him was to check the drawers in the dresser. The very first one he opened contained a good amount of Lori's make-up.

Yep. Just as I thought.

Most boys (and many girls, actually) may have had no idea what to do with make-up, but Lincoln had more than enough experience with it. Helping Lola prepare for her pageants will do that to a boy.

That toner should do the job.

He - as quietly as possible - grabbed the toner from the drawer and got a good look at himself in the mirror. It wasn't exactly a pretty sight. His eye was already beginning to swell and blacken.

Okay, just gotta get this on quick before my sisters wonder where I am…

He opened up the container of toner…

'Winky?'

And flinched. It took a lot of willpower not to yelp as he spun around. Lily, of all sisters, sat in the doorway. He had no idea how she managed to make it up the stairs, but she always managed to impress her family. His heart sank when he got a good look at her face - no baby should ever look so upset and worried.

'Winky okay?' She asked.

He cringed once again. If any of the sisters had to get a look at his black eye, he would've hoped that Lily would be the last.

'Lily, it's okay.' He said, quietly. 'It isn't as bad as it looks, I swear. Just go back to your sisters, and don't worry about me.'

'Winky huwt!' Lily cried, crawling towards him. 'Wiwy make Winky bettuh!'

'No, Lily, please don't…'

Panic overwhelmed him when he listened to the TV downstairs once again. That was the end credits. As in, the show was over now. And with nothing to distract them…

'Wait a minute, dudes…' Luna said. 'Where's Lily? She was sitting right here a minute ago.'

Lynn groaned. 'Again?! Oh, who knows where she's gone! Last time she disappeared, we found her in Lisa's bunker.'

'That still baffles me to today.' Lisa said. 'How did she manage to guess the passcode?'

'It's your birthday!' The other sisters all yelled at once.

Lily crawled back to the doorway, and Lincoln wasn't certain if he should've felt relieved or even more worried. On one hand, she was leaving him alone. On the other, she may have been trying to get the attention of the other sisters.

And that was precisely what she was trying to do.

'WIWY IN WAHWI'S WOOM!' She yelled, as loudly as her little lungs could manage. 'Winky here too!'

Lincoln gasped. 'No, Lily, don't!'

'Wait, why is Lincoln in Lori's room?' Luan asked. 'When did he even get here?'

'Lincoln's in my room WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!' Lori yelled. 'Okay, someone's getting turned into a human pretzel.'

Lincoln took a moment to mentally calculate how long he could've possibly had to make it back to his room before Lori and the others arrived, only to realise that he had no chance to make it down the other end of the hallway. All he could do was chuck the make-up away and make a break for a window. What would he do once outside? He had no idea, but he was certain he could figure it out by the time he got there.

'LINCOLN!' Lori shouted. 'What are you doing in my room?!'

The white-haired boy cringed for the third time in five minutes, since he hadn't even made it halfway and could tell that all of his sisters were standing right behind him. He didn't dare turn around, lest they see the black eye and assume that Bella must've adored him. Any moment now, Lori would forcefully drag him out of the room and possibly do much worse, and he could only stand there and wait for it.

It didn't happen.

'Wait, Lincoln…' She said, half-angry and half-confused. 'You've literally been looking through my make-up! … Why on earth have you been doing that? I might understand it if you had some sort of event coming up, but you don't. Do you?'

He gulped. 'N-No, I don't. Except for maybe another date with Bella. It's really all I've been able to do for the past couple of weeks.'

Whatever hope he had to escape this situation undetected vanished when Lily spoke up.

'Winky hurty!' She said, pointing at him, and then at her eye. 'Winky eye all wed.'

And then, every sister gasped at once. Lori's big-sister instinct kicked in, and she bounded across the room even faster than Lynn during a 100m dash. Before he could realise what was going on, she grabbed Lincoln by the shoulders and spun him around, getting a great view of that developing shiner on his face. Her eyes forcefully narrowed, as though she was trying not to cry, and the other girls walked into the room slowly and quietly.

If their expressions were any indication, even Lucy and Lana found such an injury too morbid for them.

'Oh my god!' Lori cried. 'Lincoln, how did you end up with an injury like that?' She glared at the sporty sister. 'Lynn, I tolerate your roughhousing because you're never that rough, but if you-'

'I didn't do it!' Lynn yelled. 'I would never bang Stinkcoln up that much!'

'Luan, is this a prank gone wrong? It's not even close to April's Fools Day, so no, you do not get that excuse.'

'Aw…' Luan replied. 'I can't even handle the thought of hurting my brother that much.' She paused, noticing all the eyes on her. 'What? Are you waiting for me to make a joke? I'm not gonna crack jokes while Lincoln's hurt!'

Lola groaned. 'Nooo, we didn't do this. It must've been some kid at school! I bet it was Chandler.'

And it repeated, just like before. Every sister came up with some sort of silly suggestion, each more likely to cause more harm than good. Each littered with 'teach him a lesson' or 'he won't be bullying you now'. Each making him cringe more and more. Lynn even demonstrated her self-defence moves again, except this time the target of her dropkicks was Lisa. A very irritated Lisa at that.

He bit his lower lip. For a good minute, he debated with himself over whether or not he dare say a single word about it. But he couldn't bear to listen to the abundant male pronouns any longer, as dramatic as that might sound. Taking a deep breath, he went for it.

'It wasn't Chandler.' He said. 'It was… Bella, my girlfriend.'

He looked away from them, just waiting for them to start fangirling again. For them to declare that 'she must have adored him'. For them to make some sort of crazy suggestion that would only make his situation far worse.

Here it comes…

But, it never came. They remained silent, as if stunned, with no screaming or fangirling in sight. He dared himself to turn around, and he saw all ten of his sisters staring in total shock.

'It was… Bella?' Lori asked, as though she was trying to get her brain to work.

'Yep…' Lincoln replied, looking to the floor. 'It was her. … She must really like me, huh?'

Lincoln, to say the least, did not expect what actually happened. While the rest of the sisters were too stunned to respond, Lori suddenly clenched her fists and grinded her teeth. Lincoln stepped away, taking an extra step when he saw those popping veins, expecting a brutal retaliation for stepping into her room.

'That horrible little BITCH!' She screamed.

Everyone, even the only boy, all gasped, shocked to hear her say - let alone scream - such a word.

'H-Huh?' Lincoln said, incredibly confused.

'Giving your own boyfriend a black eye is awful enough!' Lori yelled. 'But when that boyfriend is my little brother, then you've really crossed the line! When I find that girl again… I'M GOING TO GIVE HER A PIECE OF MY MIND!'

Lincoln trembled, just a little. He had never seen Lori so furious before, and seeing as this is Lori we're talking about, that was really saying something. One by one, his sisters snapped out of their shock and became just as angry as she was. Okay, maybe not as angry, since even Lola couldn't hope to match the fury of a protective Lori, but they got a little close in the 'livid yelling' compartment. It was the angriest cacophony Lincoln had ever heard.

'W-Why are you so angry?' He asked, more baffled than anything. 'I-Isn't this a sign that she really likes me or something?'

'Uh, nooo.' Lola replied, as if the answer was so obvious. 'Giving someone a black eye isn't a sign of love! … Maybe unless you're Lynn.'

'Hey, don't bring me into this!' Lynn said. 'Sure, I tackle people. And kick them. And punch them. And… look, the point is, I wouldn't hurt them that much!'

'Where did you get a crazy idea like that?' Lana asked.

To such a question, Lincoln just gave every single one of them the deadpanned look. In reality, he was about ready to scream with frustration, but his usual response to a 'silly sister remark' worked just as well. None of them seemed to get it, which would've been kinda funny if it wasn't so freaking frustrating.

'Because that's what you've been telling me for the past couple of weeks.' He replied.

'What? No we literally haven't!' Lori said.

'Uh huh. Is that why you've been telling me that she was just treating me like crap because - and I quote - she liked me?'

Lori opened her mouth to reply, and so did some of the other sisters, but all that came out was silence. They glanced at each other, as if hoping someone else would step in and explain this to not just him but the rest of them as well.

'No, really.' Lincoln said. 'I want an answer! She's been an awful person since the beginning, but I was told she was only doing what she was doing because she 'liked me'. But now apparently her behaviour is a problem.'

Luna was the first one to come up with an answer. 'Well, that's totally different, bruh. Before this, the bullying was more… ya know, harmless.'

'Yeah!' Leni said. 'Everything else seemed, you know, kinda… sweet?'

Even as she said it, it didn't sound right. Lincoln's cocked eyebrow certainly didn't help.

'What was so sweet about pulling my pants down in front of everyone?!' Lincoln demanded. 'Or putting garbage in my locker? Or making me the laughing stock of the school? Granted, I'm used to that, but still!'

'I-I fail to understand why you are bothering to argue.' Lisa said, adjusting her glasses in an attempt to maintain her usual image. 'As if a male could understand manners relating to the heart.'

Lincoln hung his head back for a moment and groaned. 'Okay, first of all, isn't one of the most famous men in fiction associated with hearts? You know, he wanted one but it turned out he didn't need one since his heart was already strong? Second of all…' He sighed. 'I really don't wanna say this, but… Lis, you know nothing about friendship. What do you expect to know about romance?'

Lisa winced, unable to come up with a good response thanks to the shock. Lincoln knew he had struck her where it hurt when she struggled to think of some sort of snarky reply. That 'F' in social skills on her report card could not be denied.

'And really,' Lincoln said. 'What do any of you know about romance? I know we all watch the Dream Boat, but let's be honest. It's a bit… scripted. Lori's the only one who's actually in a relationship! And I don't think she was bullying Bobby before they started dating.'

Lori gasped, and stamped her foot. 'How could you suggest that I even could do that?! I would never treat my beloved Boo-boo Bear like that! I-'

Her shoulders slumped when a realization hit her. As the only one Loud sister in a proper relationship with another person, she had to be the one to step out of the crowd, turn to her little sisters, and deliver the news.

'Girls,' She said. 'We literally screwed up big time.'

Author Notes - It was very tempting to have the sisters treat the black eye as no big idea either, like a lot of people may react to finding out that a man got punched by his girlfriend/wife. I decided against that since it would not only be extremely out-of-character for the girls, but they certainly didn't react favourably to the black eye in the episode. Though, looking back on it, I feel like they may have under-reacted quite a bit.

Also as part of this 'acting spiteful towards random episodes of a kids cartoon', I referenced Lisa's terrible 'as if a male would understand the heart' line from 'Back in Black', an episode I otherwise really really like. Like, I get she's in the wrong, since Lincoln is proven to be right by the end, but still. I don't like seeing my favourite character be randomly sexist for no good reason. Especially since the most famous fictional character to be associated with hearts (the Tin Man) is a man! IT'S LITERALLY IN HIS NAME!