TW: Discussion of attempted suicide/suicidal thoughts

The Artillery Ground had been abandoned for just a few years, but the chapel Carlisle had mentioned to me had been in a state of disuse for at least a decade. The building was small and unimpressive compared to the church where my father preached, the outer walls made of a variety of pale brick that was slowly crumbling to dust. A small iron cross remained firmly affixed to the arch above the door, rusty from the constant rain and fog of London, and wooden boards were nailed haphazardly across any potential entrance. Those fastened to the door seemed to be the newest, a few older boards that had been torn away when the parish broke in littering the surrounding path. I ran my hand along the coarse brick as I slowly walked around the building, searching for an easier entrance. Near the back, I finally came across a few loose planks. It took some effort to tear down enough to create a large enough hole for me to slip through, and as I jumped down into the chapel, the sound of my petticoats tearing echoed through the main hall.

The chapel had been beautiful once, simple as it was. Pillars supported the brick archways, and sunlight filtered through the higher windows, creating long rays in which the dust motes seemed to dance. As I followed the paths of light, a chill ran down my spine. What I had initially thought was darker coloration in the bricks from age showed a clear pattern of smearing and splattering, the stains a rusty red against the beige stonework. Bile rose in my throat, and I automatically lifted my skirts off the ground. There was only one thing such a gory scene could mean. Carlisle had actually found them.

Vampires.

So what had happened to him? He hadn't been found amongst the countless dead-his was the only missing body, though several had been in enough parts that they hadn't yet finished piecing them together. Did that mean he escaped?

If he had been injured, he would have been in agony and not in his right mind. Wounded animals often sought a secluded place to die, and really, humans were no different. The chapel would have been far from safe in his eyes, and staying would have risked the return of the creatures he had been hunting.

I stepped cautiously through the chapel, seeking out a possible escape as my skirts fluttered around my ankles. The front door was too conspicuous, and the windows too high for an injured man to reach without great effort.

Which left... The breeze around my ankles. An opening to the outside, low to the ground. I hurried towards the source, coming upon a large hole in the wall behind where the altar would have been. Bloody handprints framed the ragged wood panels, and I reached out, pressing my hand against one. For a fleeting moment, I was one with Carlisle, fear rushing through my veins and fueling my escape. Had I been in his place, my only thought would have been returning to him.

"So why didn't he come home?" I whispered to myself. And then I had a dark thought.

What if he had no desire to come home? What if he was one of them now?

The thought sent a chill down my spine, and I forced it out of my mind. I needed to find him regardless. No use dwelling on such dark possibilities.

With that thought in mind and steeling myself for whatever might lie ahead, I crawled through the hole to the outside, ending up behind some bushes just a few meters from where I had entered. The misty rain we'd had just a few days ago had washed away any trails of blood or signs of tracks, but from here I could see a small shed, probably previously used for storing spades and other landkeepers' tools. The door was slightly ajar, and I opened it, each movement carefully measured. Disappointment rose in me when I saw it was empty, but protected from the elements, I could see more blood, and...

The ribbon I had given him.

I knelt down, grabbing the ribbon and turning it over in my hands. It was worn and trampled, stained with blood. My throat tightened, but I reassured myself. If he had died from his injuries, his body would be right here in front of me. He had somehow survived, and was well enough to move on.

There were no more buildings nearby, and I knew that the searchers had questioned anyone who lived in the area. That meant Carlisle had avoided humans... and the only other option was the nearby woods.

Before I could think about what Carlisle's decision meant, I was running towards the tree line. I had been out here for a few hours already. Had maybe half an hour of light left. But I was close. So close.

"Carlisle!" I shouted. "Carlisle, it's me! It's Lorelle! Please... We've been looking for you... Carlisle!"

I wandered around for ages, shouting his name, when a branch cracking caught my attention. Suddenly, something threw me to the ground and pinned me there, knocking the air from my lungs. One impossibly strong hand held down my chest, the other holding my head back by the hair and exposing my throat. His face nestled into my neck, sharp teeth pressed lightly into my skin, and I held my breath, shock rippling through me.

I would know that golden hair anywhere.

"Car...lisle," I whispered. He shuddered, grip on my hair tightening. "It's me, darling. It's your Lore."

Silence.

"Can... can you let go? You're hurting me..."

In a motion quicker than I thought possible, Carlisle released me and retreated several feet, hand draped over his face. "Lorelle. You shouldn't be here. Especially after dark. It isn't safe."

There was something different about his voice but I couldn't quite tell...

"Carlisle, I-"

"Please," he begged. "I don't want you to see me like this. Please go home. Pretend you never saw me."

"I could never do that. Carlisle, darling. Can you look at me?"

Shoulders hunched, he slowly moved his hand and looked up. Startling, blood red eyes met my gaze, and I quickly looked away, putting off the panic in favor of scanning the rest of him.

His face was... flawless. The more I searched, the more I realized that despite his ragged and torn clothes, there wasn't a scratch on him, no injuries or scars to match the copious amounts of blood I had seen. In fact... his skin was perfectly unblemished. Almost glowing and ethereal. He'd nearly just killed me, with the impact of the forest floor alone. My very bones ached at the memory, and yet, Carlisle's visage took my breath away, and I couldn't help taking a few steps toward him. The spell broke only when he flinched, and I paused.

"I was right," I whispered, still drinking in every detail of my betrothed, noting both the similarities and the differences. "They changed you. Didn't they?"

"Yes," Carlisle replied in that strange new voice of his. It was so familiar, and yet nearly unrecognizable at the same time. "They were much stronger, much faster than we expected. We never had a chance. Never. We... we must have killed so many innocent people. We certainly never came close to touching one of them."

"You didn't know," I said softly. I took another careful step forward, reassured when he didn't flinch again. "You all did what you thought was right. And you saved some of them, remember?"

"This must be my punishment. To live out the rest of eternity as a monster."

He was talking to himself now, clearly not listening much to my words. A few more steps, and I was right in front of him. I reached out to caress his face, shivering at the icy surface. He stiffened, bright crimson eyes meeting mine again. A soft breeze lifted his hair, carrying his scent to me. Lavender and bergamot, his signature, but also something sweeter, wilder. Like dew on a bed of moss, a spring breeze through tall grasses. My heart skipped a beat, fluttering as it once had in our early days together, when we hadn't known each other quite so intimately, when just a brush of a hand against a hand was a scandal.

"Certainly a beautiful monster, if that's the case," I finally breathed out, searching his face for something other than the tortured grief that had twisted it from the moment he'd realized who I was. "My love. The guilt and horror you're feeling are proof that you aren't the horrible thing you think you are."

"You don't understand, Lorelle. Even now, the scent of your blood under your skin is... almost irresistible." Carlisle's eyelids lowered as he leaned against my palm. "It would be so easy. You wouldn't see it coming. A millisecond of movement, and I could snap your neck. It would be over so quickly."

"Better than a long, painful death, I suppose," I teased, desperate to keep my own fear at bay for his sake. He didn't respond. "You haven't done it yet. So I don't believe you ever will."

He sighed with frustration. "If you had come any earlier, I would have done it without thinking. I only hesitated because I had just finished..."

His words trailed off, and I tried to prompt him, keep him talking. "Just finished...?"

"A deer. I... I was growing weak, Lorelle. I knew if I stayed near the city any longer, I would lose control. And... well, I did, the moment a living creature crossed my path. The poor doe never saw it coming."

It was only the gravity of the entire situation that kept me from laughing at his forlorn expression. Only Carlisle could be so put out at the loss of an animal for the sake of his own life. "Well, then. You've figured it out. You don't need to kill humans for their blood if you can survive off of animals."

He gave me a doleful look. "But what if it doesn't last? If I... If I lose control."

"Well, you will, if you hide away from society, won't you? If you don't get used to people, then they'll surprise you when you're least expecting it. And they might not be so lucky to catch you right after a deer."

"You're far too calm about this."

"Carlisle, I thought I would never see you again," I said seriously. "Day after day, I was waiting for your father to tell me you had been found dead in the gutter. But... I found you, whole and well. I don't care what happened. As long as I have you... come home. Please."

He shook his head. "I can't. Imagine my father if he found out. His own son, a vile bloodsucker..."

"Don't be dramatic. He's old and dying. He won't be able to tell."

"I doubt that," Carlisle muttered. "Besides. I'm not sure if I can handle being around so many people."

"Well, you're around me at the moment, and you're controlling yourself perfectly fine."

"I nearly killed you, and no one would have found out, we're in the middle of a forest." He leaned towards me, breathing in, eyelids fluttering. "God, Lorelle, you smell... amazing. I've never..." Carlisle's eyes widened and he jumped back, nearly flying through the air as he put several meters between us in less than a second. I took a few steps back in shock, heart beating erratically in my chest.

"You need to leave," he hissed through gritted teeth. The sound raised the hairs on my arms, and the red eyes that had frightened me so much had nothing on the endless black pits they were now. Everything in my screamed to run, but I stood my ground stubbornly.

"No," I whispered, before clearing my throat and speaking more firmly. "I'm not leaving you, Carlisle."

"Lorelle," he groaned, voice tortured. "Your scent is burning my throat, clouding my mind. I can't..." A growl bubbled through his lips and he clenched his jaw.

"You're... hurting?" I fought the tears that had been threatening to spill since I had found him, knowing they wouldn't help anything. Carlisle nodded once, and I ran my hand through my hair, trying to figure out any sort of solution.

"Perhaps it will fade with time?" I suggested, desperate to find a solution. "Or with exposure? If you spend more time with me, you'll be able to control yourself more."

"I can't risk you," Carlisle whispered.

"I'm a grown woman, my love. I make my own decisions, risk or no.

He smiled a little at that. "You certainly do."

"Then it's settled." I stepped forward, giving him plenty of time to react if he couldn't handle my proximity. He didn't move, watching me with apprehension in his face. "I'll visit you when I can, and we'll go from there." I pressed the ribbon I had picked up into his hands, still marveling at the marble-esque texture of his skin.

Despite himself, Carlisle smiled. "So stubborn."

"I won't take no for an answer."

"I know." He gripped the ribbon, closing his eyes briefly. "I hope you're right about this."

"I have a good feeling." I fought the urge to stand on my toes and steal a kiss, unwilling to push him too much. "And I love you too much to be wrong."

Finding time to get away from Papa and seek out Carlisle was more difficult than I had anticipated. He had begun to go to every extent to keep me occupied, surely concerned I would fall into a depression if he left me to my own devices. Even so, it was only three days before I was able to return to the forest, calling out for Carlisle as I entered.

"No need to be so loud."

I whirled around with a sharp gasp, hands flying to my racing heart as Carlisle appeared behind me. The teasing smirk on his face dropped immediately, and he reached out as if to be sure I was alright before quickly pulling back. I noticed with relief that his eyes had again lightened to their original, unsettling red.

"I'm sorry, my love, I'm still growing used to my new speed. I'll try to slow down a little."

"No, you... you just surprised me," I reassured him. "I can get used to it. Just give me time."

"I did the same thing last time. I heard your heart pick up." His eyes flickered to my throat, before he quickly looked up to my face. "I don't want to frighten you."

"You don't," I lied, voice firm as I took several deliberate steps forward. Carlisle tensed. "I trust you. Can't you trust yourself?"

"The moment I trust myself is the moment I relax. And if I relax, I'll lose control. That isn't an option."

I couldn't argue with that. He knew what he was experiencing better than I did, and while I had been persistent about visiting him, I wouldn't push him to do anything he felt too uncomfortable with. "Baby steps, then," I said instead, rocking on the balls of my feet uncertainly. "Is this okay?"

"Better than last time."

"What is different?"

Carlisle grimaced. "You don't want to know."

"But I do," I corrected him gently. "I don't care if you think it will scare me. I want to help you through this. Learn with you. Understand you."

"I... gorged myself in preparation," he admitted, reluctant. "Hunted until I couldn't consume another drop. Your scent is still tantalizing... but manageable."

"Oh. Well, that's good, right?"

A smile played at the edges of Carlisle's lips, and I knew he could see how hard I tried to be casual. "We'll see."

Pleased with at least our small amount of progress, I began to sift through the sack I had brought along with me, pulling out silken clothes.

"I thought you might like a change of clothes," I explained. "I picked up a shirt and breeches while visiting your father yesterday. Couldn't quite fit the doublets in this bag. I'm sorry."

"That's fine. You're the only one who'll be seeing me anyways." He took the clothing and I politely turned away as he began to remove his torn and bloodied clothes. "How is my father doing, then?"

"He's still active as always," I assured him. "Beginning to forget things. And he's worried about you, of course. Still insisting the search parties go out looking for you. And what am I supposed to say? Four days ago I agreed."

"Well, he's just as stubborn as you. You can turn around, by the way."

I did, trying not to stare too much. Carlisle's torn clothing had revealed much more, but they had fostered far too much anxiety for his well being. Now, with only his breeches and partially buttoned undershirt, my cheeks flooded with warmth.

Papa would kill me if he knew I was out traipsing through the forest with a half-dressed creature of the night.

"Let's find you somewhere to sit while we talk," Carlisle suggested, draping his old clothes over his arm. "I've been staying in a small cave. It isn't much, but I brought over a chair from the chapel, and it's sheltered if it starts raining."

I glanced up through the canopy of the trees, noting the dark grey clouds. "Good idea," I agreed. The cave wasn't far, luckily, but I almost wish we had remained standing awkwardly amongst the trees; within the confines of the cave, our differences seemed much more obvious, Carlisle pressed against the far wall and myself perched on the edge of the old chair.

"If you're in pain, I can come back another time," I offered, wanting nothing more than for things to be normal... and this was the furthest thing from that.

"No. Stay," Carlisle said immediately. "I'm fine right now. I just... need a moment to get used to the close quarters."

"Will it help if I distract you?"

"Please do."

"Good. Because Paula told me the most interesting thing about Jonathan the other day..."

Over the next few weeks, I visited Carlisle as often as I could. Progress was slow, and it took days before he was even comfortable detaching himself from the wall of the cave and sitting near me. Touching was forbidden, a silent agreement between us both that I would wait for him to break first no matter how much it pained me. It almost seemed like we were newly courting again, with all of these new, unspoken restrictions, despite the ring that remained wrapped around my finger as a promise of betrothal.

Papa took my newfound silence on the topic of Carlisle to mean I had gotten over his disappearance, and it seemed like every other day he was introducing me to some new boy-members of the congregation, sons of friends, and once, a young man he had come across while out to the tailor. He was persistent, but I knew he was only trying to look out for me, and so I would greet them graciously before finding a polite excuse to deny them.

When I wasn't fielding suitors or meeting with Carlisle, I had designated myself as Father Cullen's caregiver of sorts. His health was deteriorating rapidly with each passing week, leading to extensive coughing fits and hours at a time that he didn't even recognize me. He had his moments of clarity, however, and those moments were the reason I had devoted myself to caring for him. If he never recognized my face again, it would be worth it for the few times he had.

"Perhaps we can still claim the two of you had married in secret," Father Cullen mused one day in one of those rare moments of lucidity. "You could finally send away those suitors that your father keeps bringing you."

"It's been months, Father," I said gently. "I'm not sure anyone would accept that. Let alone Papa."

"Hm. Well, regardless, I have to leave my inheritance to someone, don't I? I have no male heirs."

"We shouldn't..."

"I am old and sick, dear, not daft," Father Cullen said. "The Lord is calling for me, even now. I ought to make my preparations. I've waited long enough, hoping I might see Carlisle once more... but I think it is time I let go."

I avoided his eyes, the guilt of keeping the secret of his own son tearing me up inside. Father Cullen read my guilt differently, reaching out to pat my hand. "Perhaps both of us would benefit from moving forward. You are still young, after all. He wouldn't want you clinging to memories. I suppose I've encouraged that, haven't I?"

"Not at all," I assured him quickly. "If anything, I feared I might be doing the same."

"Bah. My memories are all I have at this point. And sometimes I don't even have them. I appreciate your presence, dear." He yawned, eyelids drooping, and I stood with a small smile.

"Then I'll be back tomorrow, I promise. Rest well, Father." Making sure his blankets were tight like he liked and that water sat at his bedside in case he woke in the middle of the night, I left the house quietly. There were still a good couple hours of sunlight left, and Papa wouldn't be expecting me until dusk. That gave me plenty of time to make my way out to Carlisle's little cave. He waited outside, the dying rays of the sun brushing his pale skin, and I let out a gasp fearing the worst. At first glance, golden flames seemed to dance across his skin. The longer I looked, however, the easier it was to see that he was simply reflecting the sunlight like a golden chain left out in the sun, faint rainbows shimmering at the furthest edges of the glow.

"You're... beautiful..."

"This is the first time the sun has been out since I changed," Carlisle murmured, breaking my fascinated reverie.

"Why would you risk coming out?" I asked in a horrified whisper. "The legends say..."

"I know what the legends say," he cut me off, refusing to meet my eyes. "They also say that a wooden stake to the heart is more than effective. I can tell you that the sharpest blade couldn't penetrate my skin, let alone a little stick. Nothing physical can harm me."

"Carlisle..." I took a few steps, wanting to reach out and comfort him, but I stopped myself, knowing that could only make things worse. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize..."

"I know. I didn't want you to. I thought that maybe... if this worked, if I just disappeared in a column of ash, you could move on. But I suppose now I'm trapped, forced to live out my life as a monster. If you can even call this a life."

"How long have you been thinking that?" I asked tentatively.

"Since the beginning." He looked up at the sky, the sun reflecting off his face in a tragically beautiful reminder of his grim thoughts. "I thought it was my only chance at redemption, if I could end my life before I harmed someone else. Of course, nothing I tried worked, and then you found me, and I... I could have killed you. But you seemed so relieved to find me, so sure we could make things work that I pushed those thoughts aside. And yet, when the sun came out today... there they were."

"And you did it," I whispered, heart twisting in my chest and drawing moisture to my eyes. "You stepped out into the sun."

"The moment I saw the flames licking at my skin... I've never felt so afraid," Carlisle said, his eyes distant, almost trance-like. "But there was no pain, and I realized it wasn't fire. Just... light." He twisted his hand, watching the way it refracted the sun, and laughed bitterly. A chill ran down my spine at the sound of it. "Ironic, that even now, I can't kill a single vampire."

"Carlisle..." I shook my head, trying to find words. "Thank you. For telling me. I hope you know that I love you. More than anything, no matter what you think or do."

"I know."

I held out a hand to him, trying to hold back any tremor that might reveal how thoroughly his admittance had frightened me, how with each beat of my heart, it broke even further. He needn't worry about me right now. It was my turn to worry about him, instead . "Please. Don't shut me out. I... I want you to talk to me. Tell me what you feel. Let me be here for you, no matter what happens.

Pain twisted Carlisle's expression. Pain, first, then sorrow, reluctance, and eventually, acceptance, as a soft smile touched his lips and he took my hand, pulling me into a cautious embrace. "I will," he murmured. "I promise."

I was quiet for a long moment, before finding the nerve to ask, "Are you going to try again?"

"No." The word sent a warm wave of relief through me, and I thought I might collapse in his arms. "Regardless of whether it would even be possible... I regretted it the moment I saw the fire. The light. And the relief afterwards... no. I don't think I could do it again."

I knew he spoke the truth, but regardless, my stomach still felt like a rock, my heart still tight with fear, and all I wanted was to hear Carlisle's voice, to keep him talking.

"Can you tell me more?" I asked as we both decided to settle into the cave. "About being a vampire, I mean. You're invincible, apparently, and fast, ridiculously fast. And... and you've mentioned hearing my heartbeat, smelling my..."

"You can say the word blood," Carlisle teased gently. "It doesn't bother me as much. Not when I've learned to focus on so many other things. It's... strange. Everything just seems to be more. I can hear the tiny, individual steps of an ant crawling across the floor, or the breathing of a fawn waiting for its mother a few hundred meters away. I can see more than I ever imagined was visible, colors that I didn't know existed. I can see each individual dust mote in the air, each pore on your skin, the way your eyes change so subtly in different lighting. If I wanted, I could run to the other side of London in mere seconds, or I could lift a tree out of the ground without effort. And when you touched me, that first day..." Carlisle's eyes closed, his expression nostalgic and blissful. "When your hands brushed across my face, so warm and soft, I could feel every nerve lighting up on my skin, like a million tiny sparks drawing us together."

"When you say it like that, it sounds kind of romantic," I murmured, rewarded with his gentle laugh. "Really, Carlisle, I'm serious. Isn't there anything about it that you enjoy?"

Carlisle shook his head. "It isn't natural. It's as if... as if humans decided to ignore the laws of Creation and aimed to become God Himself. There's a reason my father hunts creatures like myself down. We're abominations, cursed and damned."

"Is that really what you think?"

"How could I be wrong?"

"Carlisle, you're the most loving, kind, compassionate person I have ever met," I said earnestly. "Even now, you've defied your nature, fought to avoid killing anyone despite everything in your body screaming for blood. You've done nothing wrong. You can't help what has been done to you. Isn't He merciful? Don't you think He would be proud of your strong will?"

"It doesn't matter what I haven't done, Lorelle," Carlisle insisted. "What matters is that before all of this, I helped to murder innocent people because we were too naive and stupid to realize that the truly evil beings were far more powerful than us. This is a punishment, nothing more. And now I must be forced to live with it."

"Dozens of people died the night that you were changed," I said. "You aren't being punished, Carlisle. You've been given another chance, a chance to redeem yourself. Don't discredit yourself."

Carlisle smiled, expression tender. "I love you, you know that?"

"I love you, too. What you are, what you could do, it would never change that. Never."