Chapter 5

Pam's weekend was as busy as she could ever remember it being. As soon as her and Roy had set a date a few months back, Pam had called her mom, Helene, to fill her in on everything and she'd been ecstatic to learn that her daughter was finally going to be tying the knot after years of Roy's foot-dragging. Pam had finalized the guest list, and mailed out all the invitations with a weird sense of wonder as she sealed all the shiny envelopes, her brain still not fully comprehending that the wedding was actually going to happen. It had been in the planning stages for so long it seemed like an imaginary fantasy that would never really come true, but she was starting to realize now just how real it all was.

Her mom had driven her around to four wedding-related appointments that afternoon and Pam was starting to get burnt out. She loved her mom dearly, but hearing her opinions all day and working to keep what she and Roy wanted at the forefront while still trying to appease her mother had been like a game of master chess. Picking out a wedding cake had been easy through; Roy would like anything covered in icing, and Pam's only stipulation was that it be vanilla inside. Next, it had been bridesmaid dress shopping and selecting the flowers and style of her wedding bouquet along with boutonnieres and centerpieces. For her bouquet she had settled on a variety of soft pink and white peonies, tied together with an ivory ribbon, and her mother had just about wept joyful tears right there in the store. They had put the order in for the flowers and were leaving now to grab some lunch, and Pam was grateful for the break.

Her mom eased the car back out into traffic, and Pam gave out a weary sigh that they both heard.

"What's wrong, honey?" Her mom could sense the stress emanating from the passenger seat beside her as she did a quick shoulder-check. "Talk to me."

Pam had always been close with her parents, and she'd never hesitated to tell her mom anything in her entire life, even when she was a child. Her mom even came to visit her at the office from time to time, and she'd met most all of Pam's co-workers. Family was one of, if not the upmost, important thing in Pam's life, and it would always be that way. Yet somehow, she was having trouble articulating her thoughts out loud to her mother now as they drove down the highway, and she didn't know why.

"There's nothing...wrong, really." Pam glanced out the passenger window at some tall trees in a field they were passing. "I just have a weird feeling in my stomach. And, well...shouldn't I feel excited while I'm doing all this? I just feel..." Her lips pursed into a frown. "Indifferent. Like it's happening to someone else."

Her mom nodded as she took in her daughter's words, and the slim bracelet she wore slid down her wrist as she flicked on the car's signal light. "Well, I'm not really surprised. Your engagement was dragged out for so long. All the novelty has worn off and it doesn't feel new and exciting anymore. But, trust me, once you get into that church and you see the flowers and put on your dress and walk down that aisle...you'll be in a totally different mindset then."

"I guess." Pam bit her lip. She really wanted to believe that, but the annoying little voice in the back of her mind just wasn't having it. She played at her sweater with her fingers. "You...you like Roy, right?"

"Oh, honey," her mom heaved a sigh and switched lanes. "You know I was on the fence about him when you were just teenage kids. But he's stuck by you all this time, and it sounds like he treats you well from what you tell me. He was a bit slow on the get-go for the wedding planning, but that's just men for you." Her chin jutted out in irritation and a tinge of bitterness colored her words. "Your father was the exact same way, believe me."

Helene threw a reassuring glance to her daughter from the corner of her eye as she continued. "I'm sure he's wonderful, honey. I'll have to take you two out to lunch some time before all the wedding stuff starts so I can get to know him better."

"That'd be nice." Pam felt some of the tension leave her shoulders as she sunk back into the seat. "I finished up the guest list and mailed the invites a few days ago."

"Did you invite anyone from work?"

"Yeah, basically everyone. Most of the warehouse guys and everyone I work with upstairs. It's a bit of a gamble inviting my boss but, he would have noticed if I didn't invite him. And he would have come anyway."

"What about Jim?" her mom inquired gently and Pam's stomach lurched. Her mom had met Jim a couple times while visiting her at work and she'd instantly taken a liking to him. Pam hadn't given inviting him to the wedding any thought until she had physically sat down to make the guest list. She didn't know why she wouldn't invite him...he was pretty much her best friend or the closest thing she had to it. The only reason she wouldn't invite him would be if she felt something romantic for him, and she didn't. She had made up his invitation and sent it away just like everyone else's, but the butterflies in her stomach betrayed the nonchalance she was trying to hide behind.

"Yeah, him too."

"Well, that's good. I'm sure most everyone you invited will come, and I assure you that someone will try to sneak in a date without telling you beforehand. Oh, and you better make sure if you're having a buffet to get extra-" Her mom prattled on as Pam let her mind wander, trying to sort out the mess of unrecognizable emotion that had been wreaking havoc on her mind all day.

Helene reached over and flicked off the radio and Pam blinked her eyes, her mind floating back to the present. "Once we find your wedding dress...now that'll be exciting. It will feel real to both of us, then."

Pam smiled at her mom. "Mom, you almost cried when we were picking out wedding flowers. What are you going to do when you see me in a wedding dress?"

"Whatever I want! Because I'm the mother." She lifted up her chin as she eyed the road. "My baby's getting married. I get to be emotional at everything."

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Jim had gotten her wedding invitation in the mail three days ago, and it had been haunting him ever since. He tried to put it out of his mind as he went to work that Friday morning, but he just couldn't do it. He'd sat at his kitchen table the night before, turning it over and over in his hands like it was some sort of rare ancient relic. The card's proposition was simple. "Are you attending?"

Just before he ran out the door to his car that morning, he'd combed a hand through his hair and pulled on his jacket like usual, grabbing up his messenger bag and slinging it over his shoulder. For some reason, when he was halfway out to his driveway he doubled back, running into the kitchen to grab up the invitation and stuff it in his jacket pocket.

Now it was on his desk at work, safely hidden under a stack of papers to one side of his computer. Every once in a while, he'd pull back the corner of the stack with his thumb to get a look at the shiny, grey envelope. His mouth went dry every time he looked at it. He didn't know why he kept torturing himself like this. If he would just make a decision, things would be so much easier. He knew he could take the easy route and just circle "No." Put it in the mail and forget about it. But his brain pictured her face crinkled up in confusion when she would inevitably seek him out to ask him why he wasn't going. Then he'd have to come up with some flimsy excuse that they both knew was a lie. But the alternative was much more unappealing; to actually go to the wedding, sit in the pew wearing his finest suit and watch as she strode down the aisle in all her glory towards that lumbering ape of a man.

He could feel the end of the day fast approaching, and he'd planned to tell her his answer in person. But for that to happen, he'd actually have to...decide something.

He puffed his cheeks and blew out the air, trying to focus on the spreadsheet of paper suppliers open in front on him on the computer screen. He was supposed to be collecting information on Dunder Mifflin's competition, but his mind had other ideas for him that day. Tapping a pencil against his desk rapidly, he forced himself to stare at the screen, trying half-heartedly to rein in his concentration.

"Did your parents raise you to be a musician in a poorly-funded neighborhood?" Dwight's low voice cut through his thoughts bluntly from the desk beside him. Jim raised his head up, seeing Dwight thumbing through a customer file balanced in his lap, his chin tilted down to his chest.

"Uh...no? Why?" As usual, he had no idea what Dwight was getting at.

"Then why do you insist on drumming out nonsensical lyrics with office writing material." His eyes never left the file in his lap and Jim halted his nervous pencil tapping. Normally, as a response to Dwight's inquiry, he'd find some clever way to really annoy him— entertaining himself and Pam in the process. But he just didn't have the energy for it today. His eyes flicked up to the clock mounted on the wall above Stanley's head and saw there was only ten minutes left in the work day. He leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms above his head and chanced a sidelong look over at reception.

Pam was seated there as usual, fully absorbed in her computer. He could hear her fingers hitting at the keys of her keyboard rhythmically. They once had a type-off against each other and she'd won by a landslide. He thought back to that day fondly-they'd also discovered that Dwight was a beet farmer that afternoon and had endless fun pestering him with questions. They actually had him convinced there for a while that Jim had a beet farm of his own that was working to steal Dwight's business away. It had all been Pam's idea.

A large yawn stretched across her face just then and one of her hands went to cover over it. She felt his eyes on her and she looked up. Instinctively, a yawn soon came over Jim's mouth to match hers and she smiled at him knowingly-they almost always caught each other's yawns. He decided something at that very moment and his heart sped up ever so slightly.

The final minutes on the clock mercifully ran themselves out and everyone slowly stood up to gather their things and leave for home. Jim let most of them go before him, casually slipping the invitation back into his pocket again inconspicuously. He took up his bag and headed over to reception where Pam had just zipped up her jacket.

"Wanna walk to your car?" He offered up, trying to sound relaxed. They usually walked out to the parking lot together most days anyway, so he didn't quite know why he was asking her now. But she just turned and gave a small smile. "Sure. Let me just put everything to voicemail."

He watched her fingers dance across the face of the office phone and noticed her engagement ring like a bright, round bullseye on her hand, mocking him with glittering diamonds. Soon, she turned back to him and they slowly made their way to the elevator together. Pam re-adjusted her bag on her shoulder and he leaned over to push the call button.

"We really should take the stairs." Pam teased as she adjusted the scarf around her neck. "I mean, it's only a few flights. We'd be in so much better shape."

"Yeah, no doubt." Jim's voice was a bit subdued, and he tried to relax his posture again. His mind was working on overdrive, trying to form the words he wanted to say. Should he tell her now or wait until the parking lot?

The elevator arrived then and they stepped inside, her arm brushing against him as they turned to face the other way. He automatically reached out and hit the button for the main floor and the doors smoothly shut together. They rode the elevator in silence, and made their way out the main building doors and into the cool, evening air. He needed the cold rush of temperature hitting him in the face, it jolted his mind back into action.

They paced across the parking lot to her car which was sitting alone in the lot apart from his own vehicle and the security guard's minivan. They halted beside it and Pam turned to him to bid goodbye as she always did. He knew what would come next. She would tilt her head to the side and look up at him to say "See ya later, Halpert." And he would grin at her and wave as he walked back over to his car, wishing he could say something more. But it wasn't going to happen like that today.

"Pam," he started and put a hand on her car's roof, giving him something to lean against. She looked up at him with her eyebrows slightly raised. "I just wanted...I was going to..." Come on man, tell her. Tell her you can't go to the wedding. Tell her you can't bear to see her marry another man. Something, anything.

"Oh! Hold that thought." She held up a hand and unlocked her car with the keys in her hand. "I just remembered I need to move some stuff around in my backseat. I gotta stop at the store on my way home. Roy's having a poker night and I promised I was going to pick up some chips and dip."

Jim closed his mouth and shut his eyes briefly, part of him relieved at the interruption and the other still entirely conflicted. He moved aside as she opened the driver's door and shoved the seat forward, squeezing herself into the back to throw aside a few empty boxes and an emergency flashlight. He tapped his foot and stuck his hands in his pockets, gritting his teeth while watching his breath appear as small curls of vapor in the evening air. Finally, she pushed her seat back in place and emerged again, her hair slightly tousled from contact with the car's interior.

"There, that should do it." She smiled up as she brushed her hair off her face. "Sorry, I interrupted you, didn't I?"

"Oh, nah, it was nothing." He delivered the words smoothly, hating himself with every syllable for backing down. "Are you playing poker with them, too?"

"Oh, no. I barely know how to play. It's their hangout time. I'll probably just curl up in a chair and do some sketches."

"That's cool. You should bring them by on Monday so I can take a look."

She pulled a doubtful face. "Eh...maybe. If they turn out to be anything good."

"Even if it's just a few pencil marks in the middle of a page, you need to bring it." He cocked up an eyebrow, challenging her.

"Alright, alright! I promise, okay?" She grinned and he relented, holding up a hand to wave goodbye.

"Have a good weekend, Beesly."

They shared a wave and he was off towards his car, feeling the wedding invitation burning a hole in his pocket.