My Everything
Chapter 7
Pam was awoken by the soft thud of a cupboard door being closed in the kitchen. She opened her eyes, briefly forgetting where she was and why.
All at once, her mind was flooded with awareness and she felt her stomach churn unpleasantly at the memories of what had happened the night before. She felt Rick's rough skin with unnerving clarity as he fumbled around with her sweater and she shut her eyes tight, trying to ward off the mental image as hard as she could, as if closing her eyes would erect a wall strong enough to keep the nightmarish images contained.
"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Jim voiced apologetically from the heart of the kitchen where he stood beside the island, a large mixing bowl in front of him. His hair was even more tousled this morning than it was when he'd picked her up in his car the night before.
Pam blinked again, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand as the unwanted memories dissolved away for the moment. "Oh no, it's okay. I should get up, anyway." She sat up, still surrounded by her blanket cocoon on the couch and looked over, watching as Jim stood over the bowl and measured in ingredients from the boxes on the counter. "I didn't know you were such a Martha Stewart." A faint smile graced her lips.
"Woahh...I wouldn't go that far," he said as he poured in some milk and grabbed a whisk. "This is basically my main meal-French toast a la Halpert. I make it every weekend usually. If you need a fancy dessert or a 3-course meal though, you're on your own."
He whipped up the batter and dipped in a few slices of bread, flipping them onto a heated pan on the stove. She watched him in silence, curling the comforter around her a bit more snug. It suddenly dawned on her that she was in Jim's house-and she'd just spent the night. While his back was turned, Pam bit her lip and a hand went up to her hair, trying to smooth down the wayward strands. I probably look awful.
"Wanna watch something while I cook? The remote is just on the coffee table there." He expertly flipped the first piece of toast onto a plate, preparing to batter up a second. "I'll warn you right now though, we only have the sports package."
She smiled again and leaned over for the remote, hoping the TV would be enough of an excuse for her to keep quiet. She still didn't feel like discussing anything at all, and she knew Jim was still curious about what last night had been about. But all she wanted to do right now was to sit in front of the TV and blot everything else out of her mind, like a child mindlessly entertaining themselves in their room to drown out the noise of their parents arguing down the hall.
If there was one thing in this world Pamela Beesly was well-versed in, it was avoiding problems she didn't want to face.
The television turned on and she absentmindedly flicked through the channels, not looking for anything in particular and finally landing on SportsCenter.
"Good choice. Can you turn it up?" Jim asked from the kitchen as he wiped his hands on a dishtowel. She obliged and sat back in her cushioned nest she had built out of the comforter, slowly feeling herself relax at the smell of breakfast cooking and the morning sunlight peeking in at her from behind a nearby window shade.
About ten minutes later she felt her stomach rumble. "Alright, Beesly. I got a stack of French toast with your name on it." Jim flipped the last piece onto the growing stack beside the stove, bringing the heaping plate onto the island.
Pam got up reluctantly from her safe blanket nest on the couch and went to sit on one of the stools in the kitchen, eying the syrup and bowl of sliced bananas Jim laid out for them to garnish their toast with.
"Thanks, this looks... so good right now." She didn't realize how hungry she was until she laid eyes on the crisp brown toast stack, eagerly drizzling on some syrup and digging into them with her fork. Jim finished cooking up a batch for himself and joined her shortly after. They ate in silence as the TV droned on about baseball highlights in the background, and Pam was glad for it.
Finally, she set her fork aside with few bites of toast still on her plate. As delicious as the toast was, she didn't have it in herself to finish it. "I'm completely stuffed."
He laughed and took her plate from her, setting it in the sink. "Come on, you're an amateur! Who taught you to eat breakfast? You gotta be on your fourth piece of toast before you even think of slowing down."
She giggled at him. "Well, some of us have to watch our weight instead of eating whatever we want."
He placed a hand on his belly in mock horror. "Are you calling me fat ?"
"No, I think you'd have to eat a year's worth of French toast before you even begin to be in danger of that." Her eyes danced at the silly image.
"Hmm. I'll decide to take that as a compliment." Jim brought over his own empty plate to the sink then, turning on the water and giving it a rise. He threw in some more dishes and Pam glanced around, her insides beginning to form into another unsettling knot and she fiddled with the sleeve of her sweater. "Well...I guess I should call Roy. Let him know where I am."
Jim turned his head to her, his playful expression gone and replaced with the concern she had seen last night. "Ok...do you need to use my phone?"
"No, that's fine I'll just use mine." Pam stood up and winced at the loud scrape of the stool legs against the tile floor, digging her cellphone out of her pocket. She looked around, trying to decide where to go for some privacy. "I'll just... uhm...I'll be in the bathroom..." She offered up awkwardly and made her way down the hall, hoping Jim would understand her need for solitude.
She closed the door to the bathroom softly and dialed Roy's number, pensively waiting as it rang. Closing the lid of the toilet, she sat and inspected the shampoo brands sitting on the ledge of the bathtub as she held the phone up to her ear and bit her thumbnail. It was almost noon-Jim had let her sleep in.
"Pam?" Roy's voice sounded through the phone, sounding groggy.
"Hi Roy." She tried to keep her voice neutral. "Did I wake you up?"
"No babe, I just woke up a bit ago. Where are you?"
"Oh, just..." She picked at a loose thread on her pant-leg. "I went out for some stuff. Groceries." Even the little white lie was enough to set her pulse racing.
"So early?"
"Uh...yeah. It's...feminine stuff." She knew from experience that he wouldn't ask more if she made any sort of illusion to her time of the month.
"Oh." He clammed up just as she had thought, and for once she thanked her lucky stars that he could be so predictable.
"Is uh, is Rick gone yet?" She couldn't help but choke out his name, tasting it like poison across her tongue.
"Yeah, he left just a bit ago. Are you on your way back?"
Pam exhaled soundlessly. "Yeah, I'll be home soon. Just wanted to check in."
"Ok, Pammy see you soon. Love ya." His voice was a bit less groggy now, and he didn't seem at all suspicious.
"Love you," she mumbled.
Pam shut the phone and stared at the bathroom floor, her eyes tracing intricate patterns in the linoleum. She couldn't really put a name on what she felt right now. It was so many things all caught up together, like a twisted braid made of a thousand individual strands. There was still lingering shock over what happened the night before, and utter disgust. Shame and rage and helplessness. Guilt.
She had to tell Roy what had went on at the very least so he wouldn't invite Rick over to their house anymore. She never wanted to see him again.
Sighing under her breath, Pam went to the sink, splashing water on her face and smoothing out her ponytail in an effort to look a tad more presentable and a little less like she'd just spent the night on a friend's couch. Opening the door, she made her way back into the living room where Jim was lounging on the sofa watching the TV. with his arms laid out across the backrest.
"Do you mind...driving me home?" She felt bad asking so much of him, telling him to escort her here and there, imposing on his weekend and eating all his food. She had known they were friends before, close friends even. But now...he was on an entirely different level of familiarity. She'd gotten a glimpse of his home life, how the real Jim lived away from the office. And she thought it matched him perfectly.
"Yeah, sure." He switched off the television without a second thought and went over to the door still in his pajamas, grabbed up his keys and held the door open for her. They stepped outside and back into his car, driving in silence all the way.
He parked in front of her driveway just as he did last night and she peered out the windshield at the condo, silently wishing she could go somewhere else. Anywhere else.
"Sorry to eat and run." She kept her voice calm and pulled off her seatbelt.
"I'll just add it to your tab." He had a hand resting lightly on top of the steering wheel and she knew if she asked him to drive her somewhere far away from here he would do it without hesitation. She bit the inside of her cheek and their eyes locked.
"I'm sorry, Jim. I-I just needed to get out and...I want to tell you why but I…" Her words trailed off and she hung her head.
"It's fine, Pam. Really. You don't need to tell me anything. I'm here for you whenever, okay?" The way he said it rolled off his tongue as if he had been programmed to say it. It felt so easy, like he'd picked her up in the middle of the night and dropped her off in the morning hundreds of times before. The look he gave her was completely sincere.
She smiled at him gratefully and pulled open the passenger door halfway, planting one leg on the ground. She wanted give voice to the all-encompassing force of gratitude she felt toward him at that moment, but she lost her nerve and decided to stick with the familiar.
"Thanks, Halpert." She got out fully and closed the door, offering him a small wave from her driveway as he backed out and drove away. Her smile quickly faded as his car rounded the corner out of sight and she turned to face the condo, steeling herself for the unpleasant conversation she was about to have with her fiancée.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"He...I think he was going to rape me, Roy. If I wouldn't have escaped." Pam's hands were entwined together on her lap tightly, trying to keep the nervous tremors in control. Her and Roy were sitting on opposite sides of the living room couch, facing each other but feeling miles apart. It wasn't lost on her that they were having this discussion in the very place where Rick attacked her the night before.
She had sat Roy down calmly and told him everything as clearly as she could, not stopping until everything was out in the open. She saw multiple emotions play across his face as she went on with the story, and now it was frozen into a sort of bewildered stare with his shoulders slouched forward and a hand resting on a sock foot crossed over top of his knee.
She stopped talking then, letting him absorb everything she told him. She had absolutely no idea what his reaction would be. A worried part of her thought he would somehow blame her for what Rick did, or think that she had initiated it in some way. Or that she had wanted it. The only thing she knew for certain was that he would cut off all ties to Rick and his family, at the very least. And that one thought alone made some of her tension ease away.
Roy swallowed hard, staring out the living room window in contemplation. "Wow." He nodded his head up and down, trying to come to grips with all the information she'd just dumped onto him, no doubt still partly hung over from his poker game. A hand went to his chin and he rubbed it across the stubble growing there. "Wow."
Pam pursed her lips together. "I know it's a lot to hear. Just...let me know what you're thinking."
Eventually, he heaved out a big sigh and looked at her. "I don't really know what to think. I mean...you're physically okay, so...I guess we're in the clear. It's not like you guys had sex..." He rubbed a hand over his face again. "I don't know."
She sighed too. "Well, no, but it was still pretty...traumatic for me." Having to talk about this had shaken her and she could feel tears pricking at the back of her eyes, but she blinked them away.
"Yeah, I know. Rick was pretty drunk, though...he probably didn't even know what he was doing."
Pam snapped her head up then, looking Roy square in the eye. "I don't care if he was drunk, Roy. That's not an excuse. Are you telling me you would go feeling up random girls if you were drunk enough?"
He was taken aback by her harsh tone. "Hey! I'm not defending the guy, I'm just saying he probably wasn't himself. You get anyone drunk enough and they'll probably do just about anything to anyone." He blew out an exhale and continued. "And you're not some random girl, Pam. He knows you. He was probably just looking for a shoulder to cry on and got carried away. He's going through a pretty rough time at home, you know. Sarah's been threatening to kick him out for days now."
Pam swallowed a bit of bitter saliva that had collected in her mouth and looked away from him. Whatever she thought his reaction would be, she never thought it would have been complacency.
"Well, I just don't want him to come around here anymore, okay? I don't want to see him again. Ever again." She felt her eyes well up and she shook her head in frustration at them. She was sick of crying. "I can't, Roy-"
Roy slid towards her and brought both his arms around her body in comfort. "Okay, Pammy, okay." She leaned into his chest and let him hold her for a while, starting to feel a touch of reassurance. It was a lot to tell someone all at once, and Roy had to let it all sink in. She was sure he'd have more to say about it later, after he had some time to think about it.
He held her close and a few tears slid out and dripped down her cheek, but she felt mostly in control of her emotions for the time being and she didn't spiral down any farther. Roy wiped the tears away with his thumb and tilted up her chin. "I'm sorry this is upsetting you. How about we go to the mall? I'll buy you anything you want."
She gave him a small smile through the tears swimming in her eyes. "Can we stop for some lunch, too?"
Roy's eyes softened. "Sure, babe." He hugged her closer and they sat in silence for a while more, Roy's hand slowly rubbing her back.