Hi readers! So, before we start, just a quick reply to my latest guest reviewer: first, thank you, and also, you're very right in your remarks. I did debate with myself over the guards reading their mail, and of course it would be likely. But I decided to overlook that, because I thought the story would be much more boring if I had them write only platitudes... As for them being a little too forward for a 1920s couple, yeah, it might be true too. But I liked it that way ;)

Anyway, thank for reading and commenting! Some more letters and visits now.

June 1919

- Hello, darling, he said softly as he sat on his usual stool across the table.

- Hello, she smiled.

It was the third time she met him in here, and her hands still itched to cross the space between them and seize his. She still had to consciously refrain herself from doing that movement.

- How was the trip back?

- Hum… Not that pleasant, she frowned. We had a horrible weather on the ferry back to Liverpool. It didn't help with my stomach. I've been nauseous ever since…

- Oh, no, I'm sorry to hear that.

- But it was worth it anyway. We had such a good time in Ireland. I'm glad I went with the ladies.

- Well, now that you're back, please get a little rest, and try to eat too. You still look rather pale to me.

- I'll try, she replied, sounding doubtful that she would.

- So, happy birthday, he went on, a smile brightening up his tired features. I'm a few days late but I wanted to say it to you anyway.

- Thank you, that's so sweet.

- I'd like to get you something for a birthday present…

- And how are you going to achieve that?, she asked, raising her eyebrows. Do you intend to ask the guards for a permission to go shopping for your wife's birthday?

- No, he chuckled. But I will tell you to take a little bit of my money that Mr Carson gave you after I got arrested, and next time you're in town, go buy yourself a new hat and pair of gloves. Or anything else you'd fancy for that matter. I don't mind. I only want you to have something that pleases you.

- A hat and gloves sound nice. But I can't use your money like that…

- Yes you will. I insist. And you'll wear them when you come see me next time. Then I'll appreciate how pretty you are with them.

She flushed a little bit.

- Alright, well, if you insist. I will.

- I do insist. It's my only pleasure to spoil my lovely wife on her birthday.

- Well thank you. I rather liked what you had planned for our evening out too.

- Yes? So, restaurant or pictures? Or maybe even theatre? I'm afraid I'll have to pass on dancing…

- I don't care really. As long as, as you wrote, you hold my hand and never let it go.

They stayed silent for a moment, lost in each other's eyes, their gazes a little too shiny. Then she smiled crookedly and added:

- I was quite interested by what you had in mind for the late evening too…

- Were you indeed?, he beamed. Well maybe that'd be something for us to think about next Tuesday at midnight? Then we could exchange our views on it.

- Maybe we could, yes.

He winked at her cheekily. She sobered though, and changed the subject:

- So, tell me, it's been more than a month now since you've been in here. Is the police still questioning you?

- I didn't hear about them for about ten days I think. Have they come to Downton?

- Well, Mrs Hughes told me they came when we were in Ireland. They interrogated her and Mr Carson, and Miss O'Brien, and a couple others, and his Lordship too apparently. Do you have any idea when the trial might be held? Did Mr Murray tell you anything?

- No, not yet… They've just about finished their investigation it seems. So I guess it'll be a couple more months at least…

- God, this is just ridiculous… How long can they keep an innocent man locked up?!

- The thing is I don't think they see me as an innocent man…

- But they can't have found any proof! Since there is none! Did you at least tell them about buying the wretched poison?

Once again, he looked down and didn't answer. She sighed and shook her head.

- Jesus… I beg you John!

- But it's too late now, don't you see… It'll only make me look worse.

She was the one to look down now. She couldn't understand why he was being so stubborn about that from the beginning.

- I guess we just have to wait for some news from the CPS now…, he concluded.

- I guess so.

When the guard had signalled the end of the meeting with his usual banging of his stick on the steel bars, she got up with a rather heavy heart, and left with renewed recommendation to look after herself, eat well and sleep more.

x x x x

My dear Anna,

It has been less than forty-eight hours since I last saw you, and I already miss you so much. Forty-five minutes every two weeks is such a little time. I wish I was with you every minute of every day, until you're fed up with me… I'm sorry I disappointed you. I know you will never admit it out loud, but I know I did, in not being completely truthful with the police. I'm sorry, I was scared and weak, and I couldn't bring myself to willingly give them ammunition against me. Anyway, I don't think it will change anything now. I'm afraid they'll reach their conclusion whatever I can say. I must say, I do make the perfect culprit.

I hope you are feeling better, and your stomach has finally settled. If not, please go see Dr Clarkson. Don't forget about your birthday present too, I want to see it next time you come visit. I hope everyone is well at the Abbey. Is Lady Mary still seeing Mr Carlysle? How is Mr Crawley coping with the loss of Miss Lavinia?

Yesterday evening, I escaped in my mind and came to visit you at the Abbey. We sneaked into that beautiful room we had for our wedding night. As I did that night, I enjoyed taking your clothes off slowly one by one, and then I kissed every inch of your body and it was so soft and sweet I thought I would die from love. I ran my fingers through your hair again and again, and I thought I could do that until the end of time and I would never get bored of it. At one point though, you took charge, and you made me lie back on the bed and came over me, and took me inside you. Then I knew I was definitely in heaven. My eyes couldn't get enough of adoring the perfect curves of your body, and my hands of caressing your perfect skin. I watched in wonder as pleasure took you over slowly, and I helped you reach it as best I could. Your cheeks were pink and flushed, your hair messy, your skin was shining with sweat on your brow and between your breasts, and I had never seen you more beautiful. My hands felt so perfectly fitted on your hips, it was as though we were both created to fit together.

He exhaled slowly as he dwelt a little longer on that moment. It was always a tricky thing to continue a letter after that kind of writing. He had never known before now, how much the lack of touch from another human being could hurt. The dull ache in his chest and his bones was with him every hour of every day, and it would be there until he could hold her again, if he ever could. He tried not to think about that, though his mood was quite low since the police questioning was over. He felt they had already pinned him as guilty. Tears choked him at the thought of having to leave Anna alone. He couldn't let himself drown in despair. He sniffed and quickly wiped his eyes before Julian noticed. He needed to finish this letter before dinner time.

Imagining these moments with you makes me both happy and sad. I crave to touch you and hold you so much. I know you're suffering too, and I hate myself that I'm imposing that suffering onto you. If we ever are reunited, I commit myself to use every one of my remaining living days to make you happy, because it is all you deserve. I love you forever more.

Your devoted husband,

John

x x x x

John, my love,

You're right, I will never admit that you disappointed me, because you didn't. I don't agree with the attitude you've chosen, but it's your choice and I'll make do with it, even if I don't really understand it. And, once again, stop apologizing for, as you put it, "imposing that suffering onto me", because you are not the one who is making me suffer. Vera managed to impose suffering on both of us by killing herself because she couldn't accept that you were happy with someone else. And the police and justice are making us suffer by not seeing that you have nothing to do with this. Please, don't think or say or write "if we ever are reunited". When we are reunited, because we will be, I know that, we'll have plenty of time to make each other happy. I know we will be, and even if it's not in this life, which I very much hope it will be, it'll be in the next one. We will find each other again at God's side, because neither of us have done anything wrong.

John's heart constricted as he read those words. She was still a fervent believer, and he knew praying helped her cope in times of hardship. She did genuinely believe that they would meet in an afterlife and be happy ever after. He was thankful that she did, if it could alleviate her pain only a little bit. He, sadly, did not share that belief, which made the thought that they might never be allowed to be together again in this life all the harder to bear. He sighed and went on reading.

But I do hope it will be much sooner that that. I hope the justice sees reason and you can come back to me, and do everything you wrote in your last letter. I will never get fed up of you being next to me, and I could definitely have you run your fingers through my hair until the end of time, and I wouldn't get bored either. I long for us to make love as you described. I must say, reading your letter made me rather hot (I know now not to open your mail in the servants' Hall…). I myself was so tired last Tuesday that I fell asleep before I managed to imagine anything very saucy… But I had you with me, lying in my bed, framing my body from behind, and bringing me warmth and comfort. Your arm was curled around me and your hand safely tucked inside mine. Your mouth was breathing a light and soft wind in my ear, and your voice murmuring loving words to me until I fell asleep.

The general mood at the Abbey is not the best. Mr Matthew is still struggling with Miss Lavinia's passing. It seems he keeps avoiding Lady Mary. She told me he feels responsible for Miss Lavinia's death, which I don't see how he made that up. He can't be responsible for her catching that deadly flu… Yes, Sir Carlysle is still courting Lady Mary, although she still doesn't seem to enjoy it that much… Neither does his Lordship it seems. He doesn't seem that fond of the man. Anyway, there's nothing we can do about it, so I guess we can only let them sort it out between them, and hope it'll turn out for the best. It wouldn't be the first time that a courting doesn't go anywhere.

I'll be paying a visit to Dr Clarkson this afternoon, because I'm still very tired and nauseous. I do it for you, because I know you'll scold me if I don't.

As she wrote, she hesitated to share her suspicions with him. There was another precise reason why she went to see the physician. But she preferred to wait until she had heard Dr Clarkson's opinion before telling him anything. She still couldn't decide how she felt about the possibility. Of course it was a thrilling prospect, but how would they manage it? She bit her lower lip as she continued writing.

I'll tell you what he has said in my next letter. I'm sure it's nothing.

With all my love,

Yours, Anna.

x x x x

Both their hearts were hammering in their chests as they met again the following visiting Monday. In her last letter, Anna had written that she had some news that she didn't want to share over a letter.

- Hello my darling, said John, trying to tame his impatience.

- Hello, replied Anna, her hands trembling slightly.

- So? What was that news you didn't want to tell me in your last letter?

Of course he had already put two and two together, and he suspected what she was about to tell him. He couldn't quite place his feelings at that thought. His heart ached for her as he watched her pull at her fingers. She managed a small shy smile, and breathed:

- Well, I think you'll probably have guessed… I'm with child, John.

Her eyes were shining with tears, which he couldn't decide if they were happy or not. He himself was conflicted. Of course he felt elated at the thought of her carrying his child. It was all they had ever dreamed of. But now… In their much precarious situation, and with such a blurry future… His eyes filled with tears too, and they quickly overflowed onto his cheeks.

- Oh Anna…

He couldn't help reaching out for her hands, and she met his over the table. They exchanged a tearful chuckle, and separated quickly before any guard noticed. He exhaled slowly, as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

- Well… I don't know if I dreaded that moment or longed for it.

She smiled, thinking back on the time he had told her the exact same words.

- Anyway, it's happened, she replied in the same words she had used then.

She was trying to keep her face composed, but he saw deep in her blue eyes that she was a mess of feelings too.

- Anna, darling, I'm…

- No, don't say it!, she cut. I don't want to hear you say it! I'm not sorry, and I don't want you to be either. I will never be sorry that we are having a baby!

- But…

- Yes, it's not the ideal time or situation, but I will not be sorry about it. I do hope that you will be free and home with me by the time they're born! Which should be at the end of January according to Dr Clarkson. Since there isn't much doubt about the date of conception…

- I do hope so too…

He managed a small smile, not daring to dash her optimism. He did not voice out loud that he didn't believe that would happen. He had such a dreadful feeling about that trial. Anna looked in his eyes, and was saddened to see mostly fear there.

- John?, she asked in a small voice. Are you happy about it? A little at least?

- Yes, he insisted, of course I am, my darling! I've dreamed of having a child with you for so long! It's just… I'm scared for you, having to do this on your own! I'm crushed that I can't be there with you and help you through everything. But yes, of course I'm happy. I love you so much, how could I not be happy that you're giving me a child…

- Well, good, she replied. Because I am happy about it. Yes, I'm a little scared too, she admitted. But I'll manage.

- Have you talked to Mrs Hughes? Or Lady Mary?

- Not yet, I wanted you to be the first to know, of course.

He smiled.

- Thank you. But I'd like you to talk to Mrs Hughes soon, at least. I'd like her to take you off the heaviest cleaning tasks.

- You know, I'm head housemaid. I already don't do the heaviest stuff. I'm mostly overseeing the cleaning work. And doing the lady's maid stuff for Lady Mary and Lady Edith.

- Alright, well, good, but still. I'd feel more comfortable knowing Mrs Hughes is looking after you.

- Don't feel like you need to be all overprotective Mr Bates. I'm perfectly fine.

- You told me over and over again how tired and nauseous you were, he pointed.

- I did, she admitted. But now I know why and I know it's perfectly normal, and it will get better in a while.

- Still. Please talk to Mrs Hughes.

She looked at him, pouting.

- Alright, she conceded. Alright, I will.

- Good. Because if you don't, I'll write to her.

- I'm sure you would, she snorted.

- Oh God, I can't believe it. I'm going to be a father?

A look of wonder dawned on his scruffy face.

- Looks like it. That is… if everything goes well. It's still early time, she added, sobering up.

- Yeah, well, maybe God will allow one thing to go right in our lives? Just this one?

- Let's hope so, she smiled. Hey, you didn't even notice that I'm wearing your birthday present, she said pointedly.

- Oh God, I'm sorry, he said, looking up to her new hat. But it's your fault, you're confusing me with your amazing news…

They chuckled softly.

- It is very pretty. I love it, he added. Did you have a good time choosing it? Where did you get it?

- At Mrs Johnson's hat shop in Thirsk. I had to go there run some errand for Lady Mary. I hesitated for a while with another one. But I felt you'd like this one more.

- I don't know about the other one, but I do love this one. It fits you very well.

They chatted a while longer, until the usual stick banging signalling the end of visiting time made them startle.

- So, this is it, said John. Please, take care of yourself, and the little one. I love you. Both. So much.

- I love you too John. See you soon.

As he made his way around the table and towards the door, she managed to get a short grasp on his hand. She closed her eyes as she felt his fingertips brush against the palm of her hand, and sighed. As he walked away, he turned back and winked at her, before disappearing into the dark hallway.