Hello dear readers! Sorry for the delay in updating, but things are a bit hectic here lately and this fic is giving me a harder time than I expected it would... Anyway, here's my new chapter. Enjoy, and please, review! Thank you!

June 1919

My beloved Anna,

A night and a day have passed and I still quite can't fathom the reality of the news you brought me yesterday. I am going to be a father! I think I didn't manage to express my feelings right to you during your visit, since you felt necessary to ask me if I was happy about it. I am overjoyed at the thought of you having our child. I have barely slept last night, too busy was I picturing you holding our little newborn baby in your arms, and it made my heart swell with love. So, yes, I am happy, of course. But I am also very scared that you'll have to do this alone and that I can't be there to protect and support you. I so wish I could be there and respond to your every request, take care of your every need, and watch your belly get rounder with time. I wish I could put my hands on it, and feel our baby move in a few weeks. I am devastated that I won't be there to live all of this with you.

He stopped for a short moment, and refrained himself from writing down that his biggest fear was that he would never be back at her side and see their child grow up. She still believed in a happy outcome to their ordeal, and who was he to destroy her hopes…

How will you manage if I am not back with you by the time the baby is born? How will you do with your work? If at any time you need to stop working, please do. I need you to take care of yourself and to not put yourself and our child at risk. I have money from my mother, and you can use it if necessary. I'm glad that his Lordship has assured me that the family will take care of you no matter what comes next, it does put my mind at ease a little. It's me who should be doing that, but I guess having the Crawleys do it for me is the next best thing. I'll always be grateful to his Lordship for his support. Please keep me up to date with everything, tell me when you'll have spoken to Mrs Hughes.

I wish the CPS would finally tell us something about the date of the trial, so that we can at last project ourselves in the future. Stewing in here and not knowing anything is killing me.

Yesterday evening I couldn't keep my joy to myself, I shared our news with Julian. We celebrated between ourselves. He told me his older sister, who married six months ago, is also expecting, so a little before I become a father, he will become an uncle.

Do you want to go on with our Tuesday dates? Or are you too tired for that? Because I don't want to keep doing it if you aren't. I want to share this with you.

I'm eagerly waiting for your next letter, and meanwhile, please receive all my love.

Your loving husband, John.

x x x x

My dear John,

I've been glad to read that you are indeed happy we are having a child (God willing). I know you are scared for me, and you would like to be with me, of course, I wish for that too, every morning and every night when I send my prayers to the Lord. I'm a little bit scared too, but I am much more scared for you. I am confident that Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary will not let me down. I have not yet talked to Mrs Hughes, or anyone else at the house. I know you want me to, and I will, I promise, but I feel it's too soon right now. I know you don't agree, but I think I have good reasons to keep it to myself a little while longer. First, it is still very early, and I don't want everyone to make a fuss about it. I promise you I am fine work-wise, and I'll be careful. And second, I'd like to keep it between us for a bit of time. I'd like it to be our little hopeful secret, just for the both of us to know and rejoice over, and no one else's, even Mrs Hughes or Lady Mary. I hope you can understand that? Anyway, I'll have to talk to someone before I'm starting to show, so it's only a matter of time… I don't mind though that you told Julian, it's not the same… It gives you one more thing to share and discuss.

I'm still a bit nauseous in the morning, but it seems to be getting a little bit better these days. I'm still rather tired, but nothing to worry about. Of course I'd like to continue with our Tuesday nights. I found out that although I am so tired, being with child has made those feelings and needs somewhat more acute… So yes, I'll be there next Tuesday, with you in my thoughts.

I wish too we would finally know when they are planning on holding the trial. All this uncertainty surely is trying. I'm hoping so hard you'll be back home before the baby is born. Sometimes I picture ourselves together in our future cottage, raising our baby, and it makes me so happy I want to cry. It makes me happy and very sad at the same time, because I can't figure out when it is going to happen, or if it ever will at all… I miss you so much my heart is aching. I miss your touch, your smile, your beautiful and kind brown eyes, your hand in mine.

She shifted on her chair and sniffed as tears came to her eyes while her whole body hurt from his absence. She reached in her pocket for her handkerchief and wiped her eyes before her tears fell and stained the letter. She sighed and tried to compose herself before going on writing.

Anyway… Life has quite gone back to normal at the house, except that Lady Mary and Mr Matthew are still tiptoeing around each other, while Lady Mary still puts up with Sir Carlysle's courting. I know it is not my place as a maid, but sometimes I really want to tell her to stop being stupid and beating around the bush, because life is short and you never know what tomorrow will bring. It's so obvious she and Mr Matthew have a special bond… I know he's still mourning Miss Lavinia but still. I want to tell her to tell that Sir Carlysle off. He's really not likeable. I know she doesn't like him. I'm sure his Lordship doesn't either. But well, I guess I need to keep focused on our problems, and not try to solve the family's… Lady Mary told me that Lady Sybil wrote to her, that she's had a very nice honeymoon in Connemara with Mr Branson and that she's very happy. So that's that. I'm glad for her.

Well, I think I am going to go to bed now, because I'm really tired. I'm sending you the sweetest kiss. I love you as much as ever.

Your wife, Anna

x x x x

July 1919

- Hello sweetheart, said John softly as he sat down on his stool.

- Good afternoon, she answered, smiling.

- How are you today?

A month had passed since Anna had announced her pregnancy to John, and if she was not yet obviously showing, she already had had to enlarge her dresses' waists so that she could continue wearing them.

- Better, thank you. They say that things get better after the third month, and it seems to be true, for me at least. I scarcely have any nausea left, and I'm much less tired.

- I'm very glad to hear that. You do look better.

And it was true. She looked less pale, and the dark parches that had shown under her eyes for the last two months were less visible.

- Have you talked to anyone at the house yet?, he asked, as he had in every letter and at each of their meetings since she had broken the news to him.

She smiled sheepishly.

- No. But, she continued as he frowned, I will, soon. I promise. I will talk to Mrs Hughes these days. Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if she already knew. I saw her eyeing me somewhat intently a few times, especially around my middle area. I think she's guessed.

- And she hasn't summoned you to ask?

- I think she respects my privacy and wants me to come see her when I'm ready. And I am almost ready now.

He smiled at her.

- Do you only know how beautiful you are?, he asked ingenuously.

She blushed immediately and chuckled.

- Mr Bates…, she scolded softly.

- But it's true, he insisted. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

- Thank you, she whispered, her cheeks flushed pink in pleasure at the heartfelt compliment. You wait until I'm big as a whale, you might change your mind then.

- I will never change my mind, he assured. Never.

She only smiled.

- Have you… he went on, have you thought about how you would manage if I am not back when the baby's born?

- Not yet. I still have about six months to go, and we don't know when the trial is going to take place. I don't think I can plan anything now… There's so much uncertainty.

- Yes, I understand. I'm sorry…

She sighed and made a face as if she was angry with him:

- Will you stop saying you're sorry? How many times must I repeat it? You've done nothing wrong!

He smiled to her sadly:

- I know that's how you feel but…

- Tut, tut. That's how I feel because it's true. You're not responsible for all this mess. Vera is.

- If I had not tried to pay her off to accept the divorce… I had the proofs to obtain a divorce, I only needed to wait, but I got impatient and tried to hurry her with money. I ruined everything…

- Everybody makes mistakes… she pointed. You couldn't have known it would end up like this. And anyway it's doing no good brooding on that now. Have you had news about Mr Murray or the CPS about a date?

- No. I would have told you already if I had.

She sighed again.

- This is driving me crazy.

- I know. Me too, he agreed.

A moment of silence passed between them, before he went on:

- Will you tell me when you've talked to Mrs Hughes, tell me how it went?

- Of course I will.

- Thank you.

x x x x

My dear John,

I hope you're well. I am fine. The nausea is getting lighter and lighter. But I'm spending quite a number of hours on sewing work, adjusting my dresses, because I'm feeling tighter by the day in them, even the looser ones. It feels so strange… When I look at myself in my mirror, I swear I can see a little bump in my belly. It makes me very happy.

So, there it is, I broke the news to the household, as you requested. Mrs Hughes was very kind and supportive, although she did look a bit worried for me. She told me indeed that she had highly suspected it, for several weeks now. Lady Mary was all excited. She said she had thought the first baby in this family would be Lady Sybil's, but she was very happy I was going to beat her to it. It almost made me cry, how she considered me being part of the family. She's so caring, behind her cold facade. She came down and summoned Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson. I had not talked to Mr Carson prior to that, and apparently Mrs Hughes had not had the opportunity either, so he was quite taken off guard… He didn't seem best pleased with the news of a pregnant servant at first, you know him… But Lady Mary insisted that on no account was I to be dismissed or removed from my duties or from the house because of that, and we all know that to Mr Carson, Lady Mary's word is gospel…

John chuckled as he imagined the stiff Mr Carson swallowing his principles to please his beloved Lady Mary.

Mr Carson asked though, how things were going to work when the baby was there, if you had not come back yet. Lady Mary said there was still plenty of time to figure things out, and that she expected you to be back before the baby's birth, and she reminded them that her father had offered a cottage to us before we got married, and that it would be our choice to decide how we wanted to manage it. I was so grateful to her.

It seemed, that, as Anna, Lady Mary refused to consider the possibility of him not coming back, or at least not before the baby would come, thought John. He had to admit that he agreed with Mr Carson on that one. They would have to figure out how they would make things work if indeed he wasn't back in time.

I think Lady Mary's right. It is too soon to make that kind of plan. We don't know when the trial is going to be held, we don't even know if things are going to be alright with the baby. There's no need to upset the whole house for events that may not even come to be. We need to wait for things to settle. We'll handle things in due course.

Later in the day I came across his Lordship in the Great Hall, and he stopped me and congratulated me, and he repeated that I must not worry, that the family will take care of me and our child if need be. I almost cried in gratitude. I think he and Lady Mary were glad to hear some good news, because they were both rather put down lately. One of their favourite horses has come down with some kind of illness, and the vet had to put him down two days ago. Their mood had been quite dark ever since, and they even had some kind of fight with Lady Edith at luncheon, because apparently she made some unwelcome comment about it "being just a horse". I can't believe she would know both her sister and her father so bad. Everyone knows how fond of their horses they are, and this one was the one Lady Mary had learnt how to ride with. For his Lordship, it might not be as bad as if he had lost Isis, but it was close I daresay. So Thomas witnessed their row at the luncheon table, and it seems things got quite heated. Anyway, I think Lady Mary was glad of an occasion to put her mind on something happier when I told her I was expecting.

So, I guess now we only have to wait for the date of the trial. Soon, I hope. If only this nightmare could come to an end at last… The other day I dreamt that you had been declared innocent, and we were coming out of the courthouse together and we could come home hand in hand and move on with our lives… I was rather disappointed when I woke up, but I must say it was a good time and it gave me hope.

I'm looking forward to reading your next letter. I love you, and I am yours forever.

Anna.

x x x x

My lovely Anna,

I'm so glad you finally talked to everyone. I feel better knowing that Mrs Hughes knows about you being with child, and she can look after you and adapt your duties if necessary. I'm very grateful too for her and Lady Mary's kind reaction. And his Lordship's too. I was rather surprised but very honoured to receive a letter from him yesterday, a day after your letter, in which he told me he knew about us expecting a child, and he reassured me that I must not worry about you, and that he intends to keep his promise to look after you, and that this promise of course extends to our child too. I must say I could never have found a kinder employer. I will never be able to make it up to him for everything he did for me and for us.

I also received another letter this morning, from Mr Murray, informing me that the trial date has been set to January 3rd next year.

Anna inhaled sharply as she took in the information. That seemed such a long time away, that meant so many more months spent apart from each other, so many more gloomy prison meetings. She had felt so torn lately between wanting it to happen soon, and dreading the possible outcome. Was it better not to know, or to possibly know that they would never be reunited, and possibly, worse, to lose him completely. She clung out to a tiny ray of hope, noticing that if things turned out well, he could be free just before their child's birth. She went on reading, to find out that John felt about the same:

It feels like a century away. I'm so tired of stewing here in my own grief while you're on your own out there managing everything. So tired of seeing you for forty-five short minutes every two weeks. So tired of having to imagine how it feels to touch you, hold you and kiss you, since I can't do it for real. I'm hoping at least the court will see sense and this way I can finally be at your side when you will bring our baby into the world.

He did not write that he felt very not optimistic about it, and deep down was scared to his bones that he would not be in that world anymore to see his son or daughter being born. He couldn't say that to Anna. That would break her. So he went on and finished his letter.

I guess now the only thing we can do is wait those six months out, hoping and praying for the best…

I replied to his Lordship for his kind letter, and gave him my condolences on the loss of his favourite horse, and told him about the trial date, although I'm pretty sure Mr Murray will have told him already.

I'm looking forward to our next date, tonight. I'm already picturing myself passing my fingers through your hair, and kissing your soft earlobes.

He closed his eyes and inhaled while he tried to focus on how it had felt when he had last had the chance to run his fingers through her soft and silken hair.

I love you more than any man has ever loved any woman in this world. Please receive my sweetest kiss on your lips.

Forever yours, John Bates.

Anna distractedly passed her fingers on her lips as she finished reading the letter, trying to summon the sweet memory of the feeling of his lips brushing on hers, such a long time ago.