December 1919
Anna sighed deeply as she sat on the hard stool in the prison's visiting room. She was now almost eight months pregnant, and tiredness was her constant companion, as well as worry for the approaching trial.
- I look and feel like a stranded whale, she complained.
- You look more beautiful than ever, disagreed John.
- Yeah. They say love is blind, and I think they're right, she chuckled.
- I'm not blind, he protested. You are really beautiful. Are you taking it easy a bit at least? Putting your feet up?
- Yes. Lily took over almost all of the head housemaid work. I'm only doing the Lady's maid stuff, the sewing, the ironing. Really it's not that bad. They're being nice to me.
- I'm glad to hear that.
- And you, how are you? Aren't you missing Julian too much? Poor lad, seven years, that's harsh.
- Well, at least he'll be out by the time he's twenty-six, or maybe a little earlier for good behaviour. He can still make himself a life after that.
The words hung out solidly over them. In John's case, if he was convicted, there would be no life, after.
- But yes, I do miss him, he added.
- Are you still alone in your cell?
- Yes, for the time being. Just me, my books, my memories and my picture of you.
Anna sent him a sympathetic smile.
- Have you heard about your sister lately?, he went on. Have you talked to them at the house?
- Yes, about that, I'm afraid there's been a development.
Anna had been turning that question in her head since she had received her sister's last letter, and could not find a way out of it. She had not told John about it yet, because she knew it would upset him to know that her only plan was falling apart.
- Oh?, he asked. Good or bad?
- Not good I'm afraid. Her husband has found my letters in their house, so now he knows she had been intending on running away, and where.
- Oh. That's bad.
- Yes, indeed. Now she's sort of stuck. He's watching her more closely than ever, he's worse to her than ever, and if she comes here, he's bound to come after her. I don't know what to do, John.
- Jesus… That's a tough one for sure. Well, I'll write to his Lordship and explain the situation to him. Maybe he can do something, have him arrested or I don't know…
- I don't know if that's in his power…
- Well I have to try and do something. It's bad enough that I'm stuck here and you're left to fend for yourself all alone.
x x x x
My dear Anna,
I hope you've been well since we saw each other last week. As I said I would, I wrote to his Lordship and explained the whole Leslie situation to him. He kindly replied to me very promptly, and said he would think about what he could do to help. He doesn't know anyone personally from York's police who could investigate on the man, but he says he will ask Mr Murray. He thought of something, and I must say it might be an interesting suggestion. He suggested if Leslie still wanted to run away from her husband, she could maybe hide at Crawley House, with Mrs Crawley and Mr Matthew. I don't know how that could work on a daily basis, or even if Mrs Crawley would agree to it, but knowing her reputation as a charitable soul, I bet she wouldn't object. Leslie would have to be very careful not to show herself around the village much, so that her husband doesn't hear she's here. His Lordship says he's going to talk to Mrs Crawley and then to you when he knows more. Please keep me updated, it's keeping me awake at night not to know what is going to happen to you if I'm convicted.
Anyway the trial coming closer is also keeping me up. I saw Mr Murray twice last week, to get ready for my testimony. He tries to look confident but I'm pretty sure he's faking it… I, for myself, feel less confident by the day, and this is why it is so important to me that we come up with a way for you to raise our child in the best conditions, and be able to keep your job at Downton, since it is what you want.
He held his quill for a while, thinking about all the horrible nightmares that were plaguing him night after night, in which he was taken away for execution without having ever met his child. He could not tell her about that. He was pretty sure she was having her share of nightmares too, and they were probably very close in topic.
It is my only wish to know that you and our child are taken care of for the future. Whatever happens to me, I want you to have a good life, to be happy. I know you will object that you won't be happy without me, but I am sure that in time, you'll be able to. You have to try, for yourself, and our child's sake. I want him or her to be brought up with joy and love and happiness, and not in grief and sorrow. I know I am asking a lot of you, but it is so important to me.
I'm looking forward to your next letter, I hope with news of Leslie and his Lordship's plan. I will love you always.
Yours eternally,
John Bates.
x x x x
John, my love,
She almost started her letter telling him that she had cried while reading his last one, but she cried at every one of his letters nowadays, so she held back. She couldn't tell him of the sleeplessness and the nightmares either, he had already enough distress on his mind, she didn't need to add to it. So she sighed, and started:
Again, there have been quite a lot of new developments regarding my and Leslie's situation. His Lordship had talked to Mrs Crawley, of course she had accepted to shelter Leslie at least for a while until the husband got tired. I'm so grateful to his Lordship and Mrs Crawley, they might not always see things eye to eye, but they are both good people inside. Then, as we were all discussing how we could make this work, another letter from Leslie arrived yesterday, in which she tells me that her husband is dead! Apparently after another row with her in the house, he went out to the pub, got drunk once again, got into a brawl, and in the fight, he fell into the nearby river, and drowned… Leslie sounds quite shaken, but of course relieved to be safe and free. Now she really is a widow… I went up straight to his Lordship to tell him about it, and he agreed that she could come to the Abbey and share my room to help me with the baby so that I can continue my work. I offered he took something from my wages to pay for her accommodation, but he wouldn't hear about it. He said that Mrs Patmore can feed one more mouth downstairs, she wouldn't even see the difference. I know it is wrong to rejoice over a man's death, but I feel so relieved that everything is falling back into place for us. Leslie will be coming to the Abbey some time next week, when she'll have settled everything back there. Of course I still hold on to the hope that you are going to be released soon and that a month from now we'll be back together.
Her breath hitched in her throat and new tears came to her eyes as she wrote that. She understood from John's last letters that he didn't believe that would happen anymore. So she had to hope for the both of them. She would never let go of that hope until the verdict came out.
If that comes to be the case, I hope you'll agree that Leslie lives with us in our cottage for a little while, at least until she's back on her feet, finds herself a new job and a situation? I can't let her down only because my husband is back, when she is ready to help me.
I thought a lot about what you wrote in your last letter, about how you wished me to be happy even if you were gone, to raise our child in happiness. Right now I can't even imagine how I will bear a life without you. I feel like I could die of grief if I'm deprived of you. It might be better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all, but it does hurt very much. But because you love me and our child so much, and because I love you and them so much too, I promise you that I will do my best to give them a happy life. After all, they say God doesn't send us any burden that we can't bear. I'm thinking right now that God might be over-estimating me by a large margin. But I'll try. I promise. I can't realize that one month from now our situation will be settled, one way or the other. I've never been at the same time so eager and so frightened for something to happen.
Until our next visit, I send you my sweetest kiss.
Your loving wife, Anna
x x x x
- Hello darling.
- Hi.
The mood was thick and heavy as they met for their last visit before the trial. Anxiety ran high and both of them had a hard time keeping their wits about themselves. John tried a smile, to which Anna responded in a strained way.
- Are you alright?, he asked.
- Well. You know. Eight months pregnant and my husband's life at stake. I've been better.
She shifted on her seat. The prison's hard stools were getting very uncomfortable for her very pregnant body.
- I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
- It's not your fault John.
- I know, maybe, but I'm sorry still. How is Leslie settling?
- Well, not bad. She's still quite shocked about everything that has happened to her lately, but she seems to be fitting in all right downstairs. Of course we have the usual two sniggering morons taking behind our backs, they call her "the house-maid's nanny"… But I briefed her on them and that she should not listen to them. Mrs Hughes has been very kind and welcoming. His Lordship and Lady Mary have even welcomed her in person. They're being so kind.
- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Anna held back from telling him that they were spending a fair part of their nights sharing their respective miseries, since they both had been plagued with insomnia and nightmares. The two sisters may not have seen each other in person for more than ten years, but they had quickly gone back to their childhood habit of crying in each other's arms, a habit they had developed in the days when they were still both living with their stepfather. Both were doing their best to comfort the other one, and were looking forward to the baby's arrival to bring them a little joy.
- How was Christmas at the House?, he went on.
- Well, somewhat less merry than usual. Her Ladyship assured me they were all praying for you. Mrs Hughes said she wished she could tell me not to worry, to which I said how could I not when my husband's on trial for his life and I've got a baby coming in less than a month…
John sighed and looked down, having nothing reassuring to say to her.
- She says she's old-fashioned enough to believe that they cannot convict you when you're innocent. I hope she's right.
- I wish she was too. But I wouldn't be the first innocent man to be found guilty… Anna, you must prepare for the worst. I'm not saying it'll happen, but you must prepare for it.
- I know it can happen, I do. And I have been preparing to it, what do you think I've been doing for months? But the time to face it, is when it's happened, and not before. Grant me that? I need you to keep the faith John. I can't do it alone.
A sad smile etched its way on John's tired face. Against all odds, she still managed to see a flicker of light in the darkness. And he admired her so much for that.
- I'll try. I promise, he answered, using her own words.
She smiled back.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, he replied, for what you wrote in your last letter. How you will try to be happy, for yourself and our baby, if…
His words faded before he could enunciate the end of his sentence, but it wasn't needed.
- It means the world to me. I need to know that you won't spend your whole life as a grieving widow. I need to know that you will enjoy life.
She choked back her tears at the prospect.
- Well… I don't know how I'm ever going to manage it, really. This is the hardest thing you can ever ask me to do. But I'll do my best. For our child. If he or she has to grow up with only one parent, at least they deserve to see a smiling face.
As she mentioned their child growing up with only one parent, he almost said something about her getting married again. But the thought of her in another man's embrace made him squirm, and he couldn't gather the strength to talk to her about that. He would have to, he knew it, if things came to it. He wanted her to know that if she really was left a widow, he wanted her to find a good man to replace himself as their child's father. But she was right, the moment to face that was when it's happened, if it did.
- What is that on your dress?, he asked.
She looked down to her clothes, where she had pinned the heart-shaped brooch Lady Mary had given her for Christmas.
- Oh, this, it is Lady Mary's gift. Nice isn't it?
He smiled.
- It is. It looks more like something I should have given to you, but that's kind of her. If I ever get out of here, I'll buy you the most beautiful jewel I can afford.
She chuckled.
- I don't need any jewel. I need my husband and my baby's father.
- Anyway no jewel will ever be more beautiful than my beautiful wife.
However desperate the mood, her husband's compliment still brought a little rosiness to Anna's cheeks.
- I have been so lucky to have you Anna.
- John please, don't start talking in the past tense. You still have me and you'll have me until death do us part. Hopefully in a very very long time. Let's not admit defeat now.
- You're right. Let's not do that.
So. Here we are. Next chapter will be the trial and its aftermath. Bring on the tissues... Thank you for reading, and reviews are always very much appreciated.