March 1920
My dear John,
I hope my letter finds you well. Things are going pretty well here at Downton. We have finally managed to put Johnny on a somewhat regular feeding schedule, so things are much easier for me, and I'm starting to take on more and more of my work as Lady Mary's maid. And, he's letting me sleep for about five hours straight at night, which is quite rejuvenating I must say. I feed him one last time around midnight, and he sleeps until around five in the morning, so I can feed him one first time before breakfast in the servants' Hall. I'm still tired, but it's much better than it used to be a few weeks back. He's such a darling, everyone downstairs is dotting on him, even Thomas Barrow, surprisingly, I must say. Only Ms O'Brien doesn't seem to have been touched by his grace. I don't know if anyone can touch her though.
John felt a pang of jealousy as he read those lines. How unfair was it that all the Abbey staff had the right to spend time dotting on his son, when he was kept away from him. Anna's next words made him smile again though.
To celebrate his turning two-months old a few days ago, he offered me his first smile. I was looking forward to it of course, but I was not prepared for the fierce feeling of joy and love that blooms from receiving a smile from one's baby. I felt my heart was going to melt on the spot. I might have shed a few tears over it. Tears of happiness of course, and of sorrow too, that you weren't there to enjoy that moment with me.
John's eyes prickled too as he imagined the scene. Those were moments that were lost to him forever. He would never get that time back. A feeling of injustice burnt deep in his heart.
He's done it a few other times since then, and he's starting to babble a little bit too. I'm so happy and blessed to have him, and now that things have settled down a bit, I am going to set up to work on my task to try and get you free. It is so unfair that you are missing those first months with us. I discussed with Mrs Hughes, and she says that since the wedding preparations are well under way, we can spare a few days to go down to London and see to the house. We are planning to go around the 20th of March, so that would be after our next visit, a few days before the wedding.
The wedding business is keeping everyone very occupied. I must say they're planning to do it grand. Lady Mary's dress is almost ready, and she is going to be stunning in it. The whole village is going to be decorated, and the reception is going to be amazing. His Lordship insisted that it be a bishop who performs the wedding ceremony. I daresay it will be a day the whole county will remember. Lady Mary is very happy, and I am so glad to see her that happy. It's such a change from when Sir Carlysle kept harassing her to set a date.
So, I was wondering, now that I'm well recovered from giving birth, if we could start again with our Tuesday dates? Because I must say that I've been missing them.
A crooked smile dawned on John's scruffy face. God knows he'd missed them too.
I've had some dreams lately, in which you were very close to me, and doing things that make me blush when I think back on them. I miss your touch so dearly. Just a split second to feel your lips on mine would be such a bliss.
I'm sorry I will have to stop this letter there, your son is waking up and starting to fuss, and God knows he's not the patient type when it comes to feeding. I can't wait to read your next letter, and to see you next.
With all our love,
Anna.
x x x x
My lovely Anna,
Your last letter made me so happy, I don't know where to start really. So happy to read about Johnny and to know that he's doing well, that you are managing him fine. So happy to read about his first smiles and how he's making everyone happy downstairs (I will not dwell on Ms O'Brien's lack of sentiment…). Of course I'm mourning too, over those days that I'm missing and that I'll never get back. But I'm so relieved to read that you are both safe, healthy and as happy as you can be at Downton. It fills my heart with joy to know that our son is growing up fine and that you are adequately supported. I hope you'll be bringing me a new photograph next time we see each other, because I bet he has changed since the last one.
I'm glad you're feeling good enough to be planning a trip to London. Will you be taking Johnny with you? And Leslie? If you search through all the paperwork I left you when I got arrested, you should find everything related to the house, such as the property title and so on. There should also be the name and address of the real estate agent I had contacted before Vera turned up and took the liberty to settle down in the house. You can go back to him, he was quite a gentleman. I hope that Vera didn't leave the house in too much of a mess, though I'm not that confident over it. She had never been a good housewife… Cleaning and tidying clearly weren't her favourite occupations. If it feels too hard a task for you and Mrs Hughes, don't hesitate to hire some help to do the deep cleaning. Remember that I don't want you overworking yourself.
I was very happy too to read you suggesting we resume our Tuesday dates. I've been missing them too, but of course I wouldn't have gone on with them on my own when you were not in any fit state to enjoy them. But I admit that I've been having dreams too, and they must be rather similar to yours. So if you're willing, yes of course, let's do them again. And next time you come, in a few days, I swear I'll try and steal a kiss from you. I don't care if I get a punishment from the guards, it will be worth it.
Anna smiled and felt a thrill pass through her as she imagined how it would feel if they managed to kiss under the guards' noses and get away with it. Then she sighed when she realized how pathetic it was to be forced to steal kisses from each other, like two rebellious teenagers, when they were lawful spouses.
I would give anything to be able to hold you close to me and breathe in the sweet smell of your hair, and feel your heart beat close to mine. I miss this so much. I love you, my sweet beautiful wife, and I can't wait to see you again. I'll be keeping you close to my heart until then.
John Bates.
x x x x
My beloved husband,
Oh what I wouldn't give too to have you holding me close to your chest and breathe in your scent. Sometimes I miss that so much that I'm aching physically. How good it would feel to be able to exchange one quick kiss. I can't wait the two days remaining until we meet again. Maybe it will be a little easier to try it now that we are meeting in those separate cubicles and not in the large visiting room where we were meeting before you changed quarters. I must say, now you've suggested it, I can't think about anything else… Yesterday I almost let my blouse get burnt while I was ironing it, so caught was I in my daydreaming about you.
Anna flushed a bit as she remembered that moment and how ashamed she had felt when she had so closely avoided the burning accident.
I really must find a way to focus more on my tasks. I wouldn't want to do that kind of things to one of Lady Mary's frocks. Though I don't know if she would even notice these days, as she's so over the moon with Mr Matthew's courting and the discussions over the wedding. She's a bit disappointed though that Lady Sybil and Mr Branson won't be coming. Lady Sybil wrote to her that unfortunately they couldn't afford the price of travelling from Ireland. And his Lordship said he would not pay for that, so I guess there's nothing to be done about it. I don't know if I told you that Lady Sybil is pregnant? So I guess they want to save as much as they can for the baby's arrival.
Mrs Hughes and I are planning our trip to London in a week. Of course I will be taking Johnny, how else do you imagine he can survive, since I'm feeding him about seven times a day? Leslie will stay at home though, I think she needs a bit of quiet time away from us, and she'll be helping Madge looking after Lady Mary and Lady Edith.
Yesterday the weather was quite bright and warm for a mid-March, so I took Johnny on a walk outside in his pram. We enjoyed the fresh air and the sun, and we had a good time. He loves when we go outside, it's funny how he falls asleep much faster and so quietly when we've spent a bit of time outdoors. I'm picturing him in about a year, running around and picking up anything he can on the ground, trying to catch butterflies and flowers. I hope by that time you'll be back with us and we can go on walks as a family. Meanwhile I wish I could bring a little bit of that sun to you. I'll be bringing you a new photograph as you requested at least.
I'll be seeing you the day after tomorrow, and in the mean time I'm kissing you right on that little spot on your cheek where you have that little dimple. My heart stays next to yours at all time. I love you dearly.
Yours, Anna.
John shivered lightly as he imagined her kissing him where she had described, and he could almost feel her lips on him. A light smile lingered on his lips as he folded the letter and put it on the top of the pile with all the others.
x x x x
- Hello my darling.
He welcomed her with a warm smile as she settled across the small table. The visiting cubicles in the convicted quarters weren't that cosy, but they were still a huge improvement from the long table they had known before, where the neighbours were only a few inches from them, almost touching elbows, and could overhear everything they said. Here they were surrounded by bars, but it still gave them some sort of intimacy feeling.
- Hello John.
- You look good. I'm glad.
- Being able to sleep more than two hours in a row does that to a woman, she chuckled.
- You'll congratulate my son for letting his mother sleep. I'm proud of him.
She smiled, as she silently reached into her purse and presented him the newest photograph she had had taken only a few days before. He greedily reached for it and started devouring the picture with his eyes.
- God how much he's changing. Two months already… This is a ray of sunlight you're bringing me, he said, showing the picture, referring to what she had written in her last letter.
- I tried to have him smile for the picture, but he wouldn't wake up all the time I was at the photographer's…
- Maybe next time, said John. Thank you so much for doing that for me.
- It's the least I can do. It's so unfair they don't let us bring babies in here.
- Yes it is, he sighed.
- And that's why I must get to work and have you out. I don't want our son to meet his father when he's six years old, and here of all places.
- But what can you do? How will you proceed?
- I don't know, really. When we're in London, I'll go through all of Vera's belongings and papers. I hope I'll find something that helps.
- Like what?, he asked, doubtful.
- I don't know. What I know though, is that I can't sit idly and do nothing while they're having you rot in here. You don't belong in that godforsaken place!
- I love you, he said, smiling sadly. I don't deserve you.
- Stop the nonsense Mr Bates, she scolded with a crooked smile. I love you too.
A warm flicker lit in his eyes, and he replied in a lower voice:
- I really want to kiss you right now.
- I'd like that.
They both discreetly looked around, and made sure the surrounding guards were all looking elsewhere, when John whispered:
- Now.
They both got up from their chairs and bent forward over the table, and they felt their hearts were going to burst when their lips briefly met midway. The moment lasted less than a second, and before anyone noticed, they were both seated back innocently in their seats. What wasn't innocent though was the hot gleam in their eyes and the bright smile on their faces.
- That was nice, said Anna, brushing her lips with her fingers, trying to bring the feeling back.
- Surely was, agreed John. So, are you ready for tomorrow evening?
- You bet I am. I'm just hoping Johnny will settle fine and I won't be late. I can't wait.
- Me neither, he said, his intense and warm gaze boring into her soul. God, I don't know how I got so lucky to have you. You're such a miracle.
- Don't start on that again!, she exclaimed, pouting and shaking her head. I'm not a miracle, you silly beggar. I'm only your wife, and it is my job to get you back if no one will do it for me! I can't sustain myself on virtual dates forever! I need you for real. And so does your son.
- God knows I need the both of you too. But really, I'm so very grateful for your determination to do something. Even if it doesn't come to anything, I'll be forever in your debt.
- I'm doing it for myself and for Johnny as much as for you. There's some selfishness in my determination too…
- Well you're entitled to it.
- I'll bring you anything I can find in the house that could be of help on my next visit. Hopefully we'll have some material to work on.
- I hope so.
- I'm glad that you do, she concluded with a sparkle in her eyes. And until then, we'll be meeting tomorrow night.
- I can't wait, he replied, smiling.