Hi Elva, thank you for the review, and yes, I will update The reason is you, in a little while. Promised. ;)
April 1920
- Hello my darling. How have you been since last time ?, asked John with a genuine smile as he sat across Anna. And Johnny?
- We've both been fine, thank you. I think he might be starting teething… he's been gnawing at everything lately.
- So soon?
- Looks like it. And he had his first laugh yesterday.
- Oh really?
- Yes, Leslie was playing peek-a-boo with him, and he laughed. Oh God it was just the sweetest sound, said Anna enthusiastically.
She sobered immediately when she looked to her husband and saw his sad smile, and his eyes shining with longing.
- Sorry, I…, she started.
- Why? Why would you be sorry?, he asked earnestly. Please, by all means, tell me everything. I'm so happy that our son is thriving and laughing, and I'm happy you can enjoy it. That's nothing to be sorry for, on the contrary.
- But…
- That's nothing to be sorry for, he repeated firmly. I am happy to know about it.
A short silence stretched, during which both their hands itched to join together. This "no-touching" rule really was slow torture. John went on:
- How did you get on with Vera's book?
- I received a few answers, nothing interesting for the moment, she said, quite downcast. And two returned "address unknown".
- Who from?
- Let me see, one was a Mr Harlip, I think, and the other was Mrs Bartlett.
- Harlip doesn't matter. He was a cousin in the north, she never saw him, but Mrs Bartlett's a shame. She lived round the corner, she was very friendly with Vera.
- I'll find her, don't worry.
He tried a smile. He trusted that she would go to every lengths to achieve it.
- So, did Lady Mary and Mr Matthew come back from their honeymoon alright? Did she tell you about France?
- Yes they did. Actually it was rather funny this morning when I went into Lady Mary's room to bring her breakfast, and Mr Matthew was all embarrassed that I would see him in her bed, "en déshabillé" were his words.
They both chuckled.
- Well he'll have to get used to the idea of you seeing him that way, as much as I will have to, I guess…, stated John.
Anna looked intently into his eyes, before replying:
- You know you don't have to worry about any of that, don't you? You do know that you're the only one I look at in that way? Not Mr Matthew, or anyone else for that matter.
John gave her a tight smile. She went on:
- Oh my God, do you really worry about that? Don't you trust me?
- Yes, of course I do trust you my darling. But… you know… I must admit that sometimes I wonder… If things might not change… For all the time that I've been locked up here. That you know… You might get bored… I don't know that I wouldn't even blame you about it. You're young and pretty, and look what kind of life I am offering you.
Anna looked down and sighed.
- Well, stop worrying about that, she snapped. Things won't ever change. Ever. I'm working every day on getting you out of here, for God's sake. Would I do this if I had my mind on someone else?
- Of course. Sorry, I'm only being ridiculous.
- Yes, you are, she concluded pointedly.
- So, what did Lady Mary tell you about France? Did she eat frog's legs, and dance the cancan?
Anna chuckled.
- No, but she brought me a gift back.
- Did she? That's so kind of her.
- And she asked me not to open it in front of her, and not to mention it to her once I've opened it.
- Really? That's a bit strange, isn't it?, said John, puzzled.
- I thought it too at first, and then I understood when I did open it. In my room, when Leslie wasn't there, thank God.
- What was it then?
Anna shot him a saucy look before replying:
- It's a garter.
John almost choked, thinking of Lady Mary choosing such an item for her Lady's maid, his wife.
x x x x
My beloved Anna,
So many things I'd like to say to you after your last visit. First of all, I'm very sorry if you felt that I doubted you and your fidelity. I really really don't. I love you and I trust you. It's just that sometimes, in the darkest of hours, when my heart feels as cold as my body does, my mind runs wild, and some irrational fears creep into me. I'm afraid I might lose you, in time, if all your hard work to get me free ends up in nothing. You say it will never happen, and I trust you that you believe it when you say it now. But what about in two, three, five years? I try, very hard, to chase those fears away. But sometimes they do come back. I'm sorry for it. I am less strong than you are.
Second, I don't want you to believe that I am not aware of all the hard work you are putting in trying to free me. I realize it and I am so very grateful for it. It makes me feel even more ashamed to have those silly fears I just told you about. I will never be able to make it up to you for everything you are doing, whatever the outcome.
Don't refrain from telling me the joy and happiness that you get from having Johnny with you everyday. I am not jealous. Or rather, yes, I am so very jealous, but I want you to tell me about them, so that I can live them through you. While I am in here, you have to live my life on top of yours, so please, by all means, tell me everything that Johnny does. It makes me so happy to read the happiness on your face when you're talking about him. I am so glad that you are the mother of my son, and I am so grateful that he has such a wonderful mother. I know you are making up perfectly for my absence. I trust you completely to give him everything he needs.
After you left yesterday, I kept thinking about that unlikely gift that Lady Mary gave you. At first I thought it rather embarrassing to think of her selecting such an item for you. Then, when I thought over it more, I found it so very touching. In giving you this, Lady Mary is telling us that she believes in my being freed in the end, so that you may have use of it. It means she trusts you to find the proof of my innocence, and she believes we will one day be reunited. That thought made me want to cry. I know she told you not to mention it back to her, and obviously I can't thank her for it either, but I'm very grateful to her nonetheless…
Do you know if she and Mr Matthew have decided about where they are going to live now? You told me that made you uncomfortable not to know, and that you didn't want to leave Downton… I hope they find a solution that is suitable to everyone. Please keep me informed.
I love you more than ever, and you and our son are in my every thoughts day and night. I long to see you again.
Yours faithfully,
John Bates.
x x x x
My dear John,
Your letter made me both happy and sad. I'm sad that you could think that you might lose me… You have nothing to fear. Would I have waited for you for seven long years if I was not so desperately in love with you? You ask me where I'll be in two, three or five years… Well I've waited longer than that already. I pray and I long night and day for the moment we'll finally be able to live our life as a family. But even if that day should never come, you won't lose me. If I have to come visit you in that wretched place every two weeks until death do us part, then that's what I'll do. If this is all that God grants us, then that's what I'll take. No length of time will ever change that.
But I am not giving in right now. I am not giving up hope that the future holds something better than this for us. I know the proof is out there somewhere, that I need to prove your innocence, and I will not let it go until I have found it. If not for us, I have to do it for our son. You say you trust me to make it up for your absence, and to give him everything he needs. Well that might be true now, while he's still very small, but there'll come a day when he will miss his father. Of course right now he's happy when he can nurse every time he's hungry, and he always has a pair of arms to rock him when he needs them. But Leslie is not his father, and neither am I, nor anyone here at Downton. You are his father, and you are not replaceable. He needs you at his side, to grow up a fine young man like his father.
I found your view on Lady Mary's gift rather interesting. I hadn't looked at it that way, but you are very right. Once more she manages to show me how much she cares without seeming to. I'm glad to have her as a mistress. Unfortunately her future place of residence with Mr Matthew isn't yet settled. I talked to her about that. She knows that I'd rather not leave Downton, and that I can't move too far away anyway, since I need to be in visiting distance from you. I told her that, and she accepted it. I think it'll give her one more point in her argument with Mr Crawley.
A few days ago, the family gave a grand gala dinner, or at least tried. This was quite an adventure… I think it was meant as a sort of farewell dinner for Mrs Levinson, but things kept going the wrong way… First Alfred (the new footman, you remember I told you about him?) burnt a hole in Mr Matthew's tailcoat. Apparently he listened to Thomas's ever selfless advice… I won't elaborate on that one… Anyway, Mr Molesley was called back to the rescue, but Mr Matthew's coat had to be sent to London to be repaired, but didn't make it back in time for the dinner. So Mr Matthew had to go down in his morning coat. That wasn't the worse yet. Then His Lordship's dress shirts disappeared (yes, all of them…). So he too had to go down to dinner half-dressed. I daresay the shirts' disappearance was probably Ms O'Brien's doing, in retaliation for Thomas's prank on Alfred. I almost find it funny, how now they end up picking at each other when they have no other target. Although poor Alfred was the collateral victim, he who only wanted to prove himself. That was quite a failure for the poor lad. When the clothing mess had been addressed, it was the kitchen that went into emergency mode, when the oven broke down! So everything Mrs Patmore had planned had to be cancelled. Finally, the gala dinner was hastily turned into an indoor picnic… I'm pretty sure everyone ended up having a good time in the end, well, the family and their guests at least, but not Mr Carson. You should have seen the look on his face…
John almost laughed out loud when he read those lines. How he loved when she told him all the anecdotes that made up the household's daily life. He could almost feel like he had been there.
Anyway, everything's gone back to normal now. Yesterday, before all hell broke loose onto us, I managed to send another letter in search of Mrs Bartlett. I hope I will be luckier this time.
I am endlessly chitchatting about indoor picnics, and I haven't even told you anything about Johnny. He's still alright, as greedy as ever. He's doing those little laughters more and more often. His newest feature, is to turn himself around from his stomach to his back. He was all startled the first time it happened, like he was wondering how on Earth he had ended up upside down. It was so cute. He did it a few more times lately, but after he has, he gets all fussy, because he can't manage the reverse movement yet. I hope he will soon.
Oh, he's just now calling for his last feeding before the night. I'll have to stop this letter now, before he wakes all the servants' quarters. Ms O'Brien would complain again that he's disturbing her sleep. See you next week. I love you, as always.
Eternally yours,
Anna.
x x x x
- Thank you for what you wrote in your last letter. I know I'm being silly with my insecurities. But it's so hard to think of you having to do everything on your own and being stuck here. I feel so useless.
Anna smiled sadly at him.
- I know. I understand. But really, you shouldn't worry about things like that.
She straightened, and her smile because brighter:
- So, she went on, I found Mrs Bartlett. I wrote back to the tenant of the house, explaining, and they've sent me a forwarding address. I don't know why they didn't before. It would have saved us some time.
- Just because you know where she is doesn't mean she'll talk to you.
- Why not?
- Audrey Bartlett was the nearest thing Vera had to a friend.
- That's why I want to meet her.
- Maybe but when she looks at you, she won't see the real Anna Bates. She will see the woman who stole her friend's husband and pushed her to suicide.
- She doesn't have to like me. I need her to be honest. I'm going to write and ask for a meeting. I can get to London and back in a day.
- She won't agree.
- I've the rent from the house, so I can make it worth her while.
It seemed nothing would tame her optimism. She went on:
- Why do you think Vera didn't go and see her instead of sending that letter?
- What do you mean?
- When Vera was frightened about your visit, or so she said, she wrote that letter saying how scared she was instead of walking round to see her friend. That seems odd to me. Mrs Bartlett lived next door.
- Maybe she did both.
- Yes, and the letter was very convenient to have you convicted.
- Well, we'll see what Mrs Bartlett has to say. I hope she talks to you. So… What are the news at home?
- I shouldn't tell you really. I haven't told any of the others. It's breaking the code of a Lady's maid. But then I don't think you'll repeat it to anyone… His Lordship's in trouble. With money. It seems he may have to sell.
- What? Sell Downton?
Anna nodded sadly.
- That makes me sad. I wouldn't have thought there was much that would touch me in here, but that does. And where would they live then?
- I don't know…
- What would become of you, and Johnny, and Leslie?
- I don't know… I guess I'll have to go where Lady Mary goes then. I won't have much of a choice. Hoping they are still able to maintain our employment…
- I know they won't let you down, not if they can help it. They committed to taking care of you. It can't be that bad.
- Well, we'll have to see what the future brings. But that's one more reason to have you out of here as soon as possible, so that we can take care of ourselves as a family if things get really bad…