Chapter 18

When Jason walked through the door he paced the apartment a bit watching as Mandy lay quiet on her side on the bed, Cerberus lying next to her. She was awake watching him wearing one of his hooded sweatshirts but saying nothing and for a while he said nothing either just the sound of his feet pacing and him jangling his keys in his hands.

Eventually he broke the silence "6 fucking months?"

"Well, could be, could be shorter, hard to tell" Mandy replied as she shifted to prop her head up on her hand and Cerberus jumped off the bed with his ball dropping it at Jason's feet.

Jason played fetch with him as he continued "So they couldn't tell me anything about you, what's your deal? The same? Similar? How much can you tell me?"

"Similar. Same vague timeline, vague information, new identity, no outside contact, working outside the official channels, on my own if shit hits the fan"

"But you'll be on your own, without Bravo. Different op?" Jason looked concerned "so soon after Africa?"

Mandy nodded "not on my own as such but yeah, I wouldn't be with bravo team"

Jason came over to the bed kicking off his shoes and lay down on his side facing her. "So we would be starting this relationship with a possible 6 month no-contact order, away from each other, neither of us knowing where the other is or if you're OK… well this sounds just fucking spectacular"

Mandy smiled at his sarcasm "was it ever going to be that simple for us Jason?"

He smiled in return before his face went serious again. "You're going to say yes aren't you?"

"Yes. As are you" she said simply as she moved to lie on her back her arms coming up over her head, she massaged her temples.

"There's more you're not saying" Jason watched her face, she was purposefully not looking at him.

"I'm trying to find a way to say what I need to say that's not going to hurt you or have me put in prison for sharing confidential information" she turned her head to the side to look at him

"Then just say it Mandy, rip off the band-aid" Jason said trying to hide his panic.

"So you can probably guess that my role will be different to yours… I have a different skill set. If you were to guess what kind of role the DoD had for me on an off the books op….?" Mandy prompted

Jason realised what she was doing, working in guesses and hypotheticals "I'd probably guess something to do with assets, relationships?"

Mandy nods "and it's no great secret what I used to do in the CIA, you were there for a lot of it…" she went quiet for a few moments "… but there were parts you didn't see."

Jason watched her face carefully she looked sad, ashamed maybe, a mixture of emotions he couldn't quite read.

She continued choosing her words carefully

"… you probably guessed that my job entailed a lot of asset cultivation, maybe you guessed that as a woman, there was some expectation about what that involved sometimes…"

He hadn't known what Mandy was going to say, but this definitely had taken a turn he hadn't expected and he didn't know how to react so he just listened and stayed quiet

"…so maybe if you were me and you knew how those assets were cultivated, and now you're in a relationship with someone you love, a relationship you don't want to fuck-up, then maybe you'd be a little uneasy about what might be expected of you on an off the books op that could quite possibly leverage old relationships…?"

It took a minute for Jason to take-in all of what Mandy had just said. When he did he moved to sit himself at the foot of the bed. He wanted to look at her but he couldn't, his head was spinning. He knew without looking that there would be tears streaking her face and half of him wanted to just hold her and tell her it was all OK, but the other half needed to bolt, to walk, to punch something. He squeezed her foot gently still looking ahead "I need some air. I promise I'll be back but I just need some air, OK" He got up, pulled on his boots and went straight to the door

Mandy rolled onto her side and let the tears fall as Cerberus whimpered by her side.

Jason walked around the block three times, resisting the urge to find a bar or to find something or someone to punch hard.

He walked until he was less angry and more sad

Then he walked until he was less sad and more ashamed that he'd left the woman he loved in tears alone in his apartment.

When he got back Mandy was lying on the bed with Cerberus tucked into her side, he felt that tug of shame again that a dog was able to comfort Mandy in a way he hadn't been able to. Sensing his thoughts the dog jumped down allowing Jason to climb back on to the bed facing her, he pulled her close and wrapped his arm around her whispering in her ear "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left. I love you."

She pulled herself closer to him allowing him to wrap her tighter. She didn't know where they went from here so instead she closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of Jason Hayes wrapped around her, making her feel like everything would be OK even when she knew things were far from OK.

They had fallen asleep like that for a little while. The afternoon light didn't let them sleep for long. Mandy moved herself out of Jason's arms and stretched, Jason had already been half- awake, he rolled away from her to also stretch.

They were lying on their sides facing each other again. "So hypothetically…" Jason started "… there could be other guys…" He clenched his fists as he said it but then tried to relax them "…assets you have… history with" he tried to find his words and calm the bile rising in his throat "…assets that might need cultivating?"

"Historic ones" Mandy said "…and only if it couldn't be avoided without risking the mission. I don't want to work that way any more"

She reached out her hand on the bed. Jason took her hand and squeezed it. His face was sad but he was trying hard to understand.

"This would not be a regular part of my role going forward Jason…" Mandy continued "… at the end of this op there's a more run of the mill job, on base, possibly with you guys… it's just something I need to anticipate on this op, something I want to be as transparent as I can about with you, without providing any more details that I'm not allowed to"

Jason was quiet, his mind busy. She watched as he silently tried to wrap his head around everything.

"I can say no." Mandy said.

"You would do that?" Jason looked at her raising his eyebrow.

"For you… for us… yes. Lindell made it clear that the base job isn't dependant on accepting this op, it's voluntary"

"But?"

"But… if you're going to be away for 6 months with no contact then maybe it won't be so hard if I'm in the same boat." Mandy replied

"Same boat, likely different continents" Jason rubbed his head, his headache coming back again "I couldn't ask you to say no" Jason shook his head

"You wouldn't be asking. I'd be telling" she said bossily, joking

Jason laughed a little and she was relieved for a break in the tension.

"Say yes Mandy. Go do your duty. Do your job. I won't like the idea of what you might have to do. But what we have is what we have. Anything else is just you doing your job. They don't have anything to do with each other…Just promise me that you'll be careful and not go off doing your usual reckless stuff OK? I won't be there to save you this time"

Mandy just nodded and moved closer to him. "And will you be OK?" she asked "The stuff we purposefully aren't talking about that's got you popping painkillers and losing your keys?"

"It will have to be. Bravo needs me, I can't let them deploy on something this dangerous without me" Jason stroked her face seeing her worry.

"But what does Bravo One need? What does Jason need?" Mandy placed her hand over his on her face

"You. That's all I need. We do our thing. We come home and we face the rest of it together."

Mandy kissed his hand "There's one more thing… If I say yes to this op I leave immediately."

"Define immediately?"

"I have until Friday to give my answer, if it's yes, I leave Saturday" Mandy replies

"Shit, so soon? At least me and the guys get an extra week. That doesn't give us much time. Ray wanted us over at the weekend, I mean that was before all this got brought up he'll probably want some quality family time instead now anyway." Jason paused, he had rolled onto his back, thinking "I should call him and check-in, see if we are on the same page about accepting the op"

"Do you know who will go? You guys talked about it yet?" Mandy propped herself up on one arm

"Not really, everyone had a lot on their mind…" Jason suddenly realised something "Shit, How much can I tell Ray about your situation?"

"As far as Bravo etc are concerned, just that I've been offered a job and I'm also getting deployed and the details are confidential. Just keep it to that"

Jason nodded as he sat himself up and picked up his phone, ready to dial Ray.