"Thank you! Thank you! No really, hold your applause, I'll be here all night!" I said loudly to the studio audience in front of me. So far tonight has been a blur, but I still remember all the fun I've had along the way. What's both amazing and infuriating about Hell is that I can kill any one person and no one would really care. A director here and a couple of D-list television stars there and not a single person bats an eye. But stacking the body count? Now that gets me results! And my quite captive studio audience agrees with me, well… they did, but they seemed to have grown silent now. Not sure if that's due to the joke running its course, or the poison running its course through their bodies. Semantics aside, I think it's time this comedy show makes a change in set.
With the forced hysterics having ceased, I decided to make my exit and stepped off the stage, turning around one last time to admire my work. The stage held a mock kitchen, with counters lining the back and sides of the stage. The background was an off-white color standard of every modern home, with a window leading to a greenscreen at its center. In front of that was a small dining room table set for two. And just in between both set pieces were the bodies of the aforementioned D-list television stars; a bullet hole could be seen from each of their foreheads, the blood had stopped flowing their wounds a while ago. I walked backwards towards the exit, still keeping the set in front of me, looking around to make sure I didn't trip over the other bodies. Looking up to my left I could see the side of the audience bleachers; a couple demons were draped over the sides, their faces painted with a bright, happy smile. I could see empty canisters of my toxin laying on the floor to my immediate left, indicating I was right up on the exit.
"Well if anyone needs me, I'll be in the studio lot across the street having a chat with their people. I hope they're as lively and engaging as all of you!" I pointed finger guns towards the audience, receiving resounding silence in return. A silence that was punctuated by a body falling over the railing and onto the ground face-first with a loud crunch. Staring at the body with a smile I clapped my hands together, then kicked my leg out behind me sending the doors flying open. I turned towards the outside and walked back out onto the road towards the building across the street.
Looking around, I admired the carnage I left behind outside. It didn't take too long to work through the action movie sets on this road. They all had some kind of set piece involving a controlled explosion, so all I had to do was remove the "control" and the results speak for themselves. Fires were raging uncontrollably in the buildings to my left, threatening to spill over to the buildings next to them. Large chunks of concrete and metal lay broken and twisted all over the road; some of them were accompanied by the bodies of demons unfortunate enough to be caught under the debris. And the bodies of various demons without debris were equally as scattered, most of them still ablaze from the explosions that sent them careening out of their filming areas. That's not to mention the varying limbs that are unaccompanied by a complete body; it's a stark contrast to the view on my right, towards the buildings I haven't worked through yet. It's pretty picturesque in comparison.
Having arrived at the building across the street, I pulled out a full canister of Joker toxin from my suit jacket. These studios were pretty organized in how they were set up; they were sectioned off by genre for four buildings, two on one side of the street and two on the other. So if that stands, there should be another television comedy being filmed here. I've been lucky so far though, so there's always the chance that no filming is being done here and I pulled out a heavy tank of toxin for nothing.
Not wanting to dwell on that disappointing thought, I moved over to the door and cranked the valve on the tank to the left until I could hear a faint hissing emanating from the vent. Holding the tank from the top with both hands I pulled it to my side, kicked open the door, then prepared to throw the tank in and watch the magic happen. I stopped myself, however, when I noticed the interior was completely empty, as I had thought. That is except for a particularly stout imp in a black suit, who was lying on his back, looking up at me terrified. Annoyed, I tightened the valve so no more toxin was wasted, then let the tank drop to my side and I walked over to deal with the imp.
"Oh fuck not you, not now," the imp stammered, awkwardly shuffling backwards as fear held him to the floor.
"Yes, me," I replied with a mocking smile. I drew a butterfly knife out from my interior pocket and flipped it around until the blade was extended for him to see. "Yes, now."
The imp managed to roll himself onto his front and started crawling on his belly, a little faster than the method he was doing up to that point. "The button, oh shit was that three seconds? I- fuck I didn't count. Vox is gonna kill m-"
Whatever the imp was stammering about didn't make sense to me, so I decided to cut his ramblings short. Kneeling down I plunged the knife into his leg as he crawled away, cutting directly into his Achilles' tendon. The pain must've been immense as he immediately began crying out and dropped flat onto the ground, losing all will to try and escape. Gripping the handle of the knife, I twisted it then dragged it down; the blade caught onto the imp's heel and dragged him closer to me. Pulling the knife out of the imp, I flipped him onto his back and grabbed underneath his chin, my fingers pressing against his cheeks forcing his screaming to a muffle.
As I waved the blade in front of his face, I said, "It seems the shock must have hit you earlier than the knife. I mean, I have you here at my will, and you're worried Vox is going to kill you? Talk about skewed priorities!" As if to make my point, I stabbed him in the gut as I finished my sentence, watching his eyes screw closed as he let out more wails of pain.
Seeing that he was the only one in the building, I figured I should make this quick and I pulled the knife sharply out of his stomach. Releasing my grip on his face, he let out a loud cry before I stabbed directly under his chin then sliced across, sending blood spatter flying off to the right. He quietly gurgled as blood flowed out of his neck and mouth, his hands uselessly tried to cover the wound and stop the flow of blood. I stood back up and folded the butterfly knife before putting it back in my pocket.
Now that he was taken care of, I turned around to head back outside and check the next building. Hopefully it would have a crowd, or something I could use to get Vox to show up. As I was about to head out the door, I stopped as soon as I placed my hand on it and looked over to the wall on the right. On it was a red button with its glass case flipped up, leaving it exposed. I looked back at the body of the imp I killed, thinking back on what he was saying before he died.
"The button…"
Releasing my hand from the door I stepped back, having connected the dots and realizing what was going to happen next. I jogged quickly back over to the imp's body and leaned down to pick him up, placing him between me and the door, using his corpse like a shield. As soon as I positioned myself the doors exploded open, filling the empty space with smoke. I pulled out my gun, ready to deal with whatever kind of security the imp called in prior to my arrival. After a couple seconds the smoke started to dissipate, and in the haze I could make out ten silhouettes walking closer towards me. Placing the gun on the shoulder of the imp's body to steady myself, I took aim at the one in front and fired a shot. The bullet connected with a sound like metal on metal and sent sparks flying, which gave me pause as I pulled my hand back to look again at the shadows approaching me.
The smoke had completely disappeared by this point, giving me a good look at what was responding to the security button. They were all robots. They were human-like in shape, with neon blue lines running along the midline of their legs, arms, and chest; and their heads looked like motorcycle helmets, with two blue dots for eyes behind the visors. The one I had shot in the head had one eye flickering due to the damage I caused, but was still standing.
This is going to be more difficult than it has been so far, I thought to myself, pocketing the gun and thinking about how to deal with this new problem. The robot with the bullet hole was the first to speak.
"Target identified, hostage detected." It spoke in a deep booming voice that echoed around this empty room.
I looked down at the dead imp in my hands, then I smiled. They can't tell he's dead, and these robots probably aren't allowed to fire on hostages! I could almost believe my luck, but when the robot spoke up again I wished I didn't.
"Kill mode, non-targets expendable." Then the robots raised their arms in unison and small compartments popped out of their wrists aimed at me.
"Shit," was all I could say before bullets began firing out of their wrists. Still holding the body up I used it to catch most of the bullets and ran across the room, between the audience seats and the stage. The robots quickly filed in and followed behind me, continuously firing rounds. I had to awkwardly position the body between them and me as I ran away, catching some more bullets while others scraped by my arms and legs. For some reason the ones that connected immediately began to burn painfully, but not wanting to die I ignored the pain and continued running. Rounding the corner to the right I found a door and went through it into the backstage area. The room was darker than the area outside, but I could see just enough to find some crates stacked around the back corner of the room. I ditched the body in the middle of the floor then dove over the crates to hide and come up with a plan.
Looking down at myself I spotted the areas where bullets grazed me by and left behind deep scarring. I gently touched one of the wounds on my arm and immediately sucked in breath. I had been shot and stabbed before, but this pain was different. I was barely grazed by those bullets yet the pain I felt was as immense as if I were dying, just what the hell were these things?
A metallic clang from outside the room snapped me from my thoughts, then several more followed it. They were just outside the backstage area, and I still had no clue on how to beat them. Putting aside my pain for a moment, I began to think about the one thing I always think about whenever I find myself in a tough spot. What would Batman do?
It took a couple moments, but I soon found my answer and I smiled. Reaching inside my jacket I thought of the object I needed to handle these robots, then pulled out three of my walking, exploding, chattering teeth. Three of them should be enough, I thought, but why don't we throw in three more for good measure? I reached back into my jacket with my free hand and pulled them out, now holding six chattering teeth. If they're anything like the ones I carried on me when I was alive, they should be pre-wound. So all that's left to do is drop them on the ground.
Looking around the crates I peered to see where the robots were now. It looked like five of them were in the room with me, searching around the room to find where I was hiding, the rest were not present; they were probably closing off areas of escape hoping to trap me here. Unfortunately for them I'm never trapped as long as I have my wonderful toys. Quickly I placed the teeth on their feet in the direction of the group of robots and watched as, one-by-one, they chattered away to their targets.
"Noise detected, converge to source," I heard a robot say in the same voice as the one I shot. The sounds of metal feet banged on the hardwood floor, until they stopped in front of the crates I hid behind. I really hope the explosion isn't too big that I get caught in it, it would be unfortunate if I were to die in such a stupid way.
I continued to listen to the teeth chatter, the noise slightly softer now that they were farther away. Peeking around the crates again I looked to see what was happening. The robots were now lined side by side looking at the teeth chattering on the floor around them. The one with a bullet hole was not present among them.
From here I could see the robot's head tilt as if it was displaying its confusion with the scene. "Scanning unidentified objects," it said, then a beam of blue light shone onto the teeth, moving back and forth. Quickly I looked back to the teeth and saw their movements were slowing down, indicating they were about to explode. I positioned myself behind the crates again to hopefully cover myself from the blast. After a few seconds, the scanning noise I heard ceased and the blue light disappeared from the room, followed by what sounded like warning beeps.
"Explosion imminent, seek co-"
Whatever it was about to say was cut off as the teeth let out a "Ha, ha!", then one after another they exploded, lighting up the room. The shockwave sent wooden shrapnel flying around me and knocked me into the wall opposite as dust and smoke kicked up into the air. The impact nearly knocked me out but I managed to keep conscious, lying on the ground for a few moments to catch my breath. I listened to hear if any of the other robots heard the explosion and were coming my way, but so far there were no other sounds besides the ringing in my ears. Taking the opportunity I painfully got on all fours, dirt and debris slid off my back to the ground, then onto my feet and stood all the way up. I coughed a couple times and groaned, twisting my body left to right hearing my back pop. Finishing that I turned to look at what was left of the robots.
The explosion proved to be more effective than the bullet as all that was left of the robots now were bits and pieces of black metal scattered around the room. All that remained intact were a couple of arms and legs.
"Ah Batsy, what would I do without you?" I asked aloud. Now that I knew how to take care of them, I reached back into my jacket to pull out more chattering bombs. I felt around for a moment, then pulled out my empty hand. My smile turned back to a frown. Taking my other hand I felt around the opposite side of my jacket, then pulled it out to still find nothing. My hand balled into a fist. It seems there's more limitations to my powers than I first realized, then again I never pushed myself to find these limitations before. I blame myself for not killing more indiscriminately.
Before I could get more upset at myself, the sounds of growing metallic clanging reminded me there were still five more robots to deal with. Hurriedly I rummaged around my jacket, thinking of other weapons I could use to bring out and deal with them. Bazooka? Not appearing. Dynamite? No show. Rubber duck that squirts acid? Unfortunately missing. All the weapons I would usually count on to cause mayhem were gone.
Now frustrated, I grabbed the inside of my jacket and leaned down saying, "Alright look I don't know what kind of weapon-ile disfunction you have going on, but if you don't quit it and give me back my toys I swear I'll have you replaced!"
My head perked up again as I heard the robots right outside the backstage door. "Units 621-625 are compromised, the target is still inside. Surround him and eliminate."
Backing up I looked around the room, thinking about the next plan. The room was still dark, but I could see some light seeping through the bottom of the backstage door, accompanied by moving shadow as the robots drew closer. Next to that were some makeup dressers and mirrors lining the wall to the left of the door. The aforementioned pieces of robots lay scattered in the middle of the floor, along with noticeable craters where the teeth detonated. But lastly, a flickering green glow caught my eye. It came from the left side of the room, a slightly damaged exit sign was hung above a hallway as dark as the room I was in. It was then that my next idea was hatched.
If I'm right, this hallway not only leads to the back exit, but back out to the main stage on the opposite side. If I can get back out there, I can get to my canister of toxin. Now knowing this is the very same toxin I used when I was alive, I also know it is highly flammable. All I need is a spark to light the gas, I just hope once I get out there I can use my gun again. For a moment, however, I hesitated, unsure if that route was clear of any killer robots. But seeing the shadows under the door growing darker as the robots clanged closer to me, I decided it was best to risk it and ran down the hallway to execute my plan.
I ran for a few feet, heard the door behind me burst open as robots filtered into the backstage area, then found the intersection I knew would be here and took it towards the main stage. After another few feet I slammed into the door leading out of the backstage and ran towards the entrance I came through. Thankfully the main area was empty as the robots once again decided to group up, but unfortunately I was too loud slamming the door open as I could hear the robots metallic legs slamming to the ground to follow me.
Not focusing on the approaching death machines, I found my unused canister still lying where I left it by the door. I quickly fell to the ground on my side and slid over to the canister and grabbed the top of it, hurryingly twisting it open with one hand. Looking up I could see the neon glow of the robots as they charged after me from down the hall. After a few more twists, a hiss emanated from the canister once more, and I stood up to face the robots with the canister in my hand. None of them started to open fire yet, probably waiting until they left the hallway so they could get a clear shot of me without firing at each other. I wouldn't be giving them the same courtesy.
Seeing the sickly green gas starting to billow out of the hissing vent, I spun around once with the canister to gain momentum and threw it towards the robots. It arced in the air for a short time, then hit the ground with a loud clang and rolled towards the charging group. Reaching into my jacket I pictured myself grabbing onto my revolver, hoping that this time it would appear in my hand. From the cloud of green gas I could see an outstretched arm coming through pointed directly at me, immediately followed by the face of the robot who I shot initially. The hand I had in my jacket gripped onto nothing, my gun hadn't appeared. My teeth clenched and I stared down the charging robot, thinking that this was going to be my end.
The world slowed down to a crawl, and a loud gunshot rang out followed by a bullet firing from the robot's wrist. The bullet traveled slowly through the air towards me, and just as it was about to connect, another gunshot rang out from behind the first robot inside the gas. Then the gas turned to fire as everything in front of me exploded into a green-orange flame. The bullet hit me directly in the shoulder, carrying with it a pain that I couldn't possibly describe. And before I could even bother attempting to describe it, the shockwave from the explosion once again carried me off my feet, propelling me through the entrance doors and back out onto the street. Landing on my back my head bounced off the asphalt hard, causing me to black out.
When I opened my eyes again I found myself on my chest looking at the building I was ejected from. Flames had encapsulated the building while I was unconscious, steel groaned as the roof started to buckle inward. The right side of the building was already caved in due to the explosion. Groaning, I slowly lifted myself up onto my knees, letting out a few grunts of pain as my right shoulder began to throb from the bullet that passed through it. Once I was off the ground, I planted a foot down and lifted myself until I was completely upright. I stared at the building for a few moments as I stopped to catch my breath; it seemed like that took care of it, no other robots were emerging from the structure as it finally started to collapse. Satisfied that nothing else would hinder my activities, for now, I turned down the road towards the next building.
I rolled my shoulder slowly, wincing in pain as the movement aggravated my injury. Stopping my shoulder rotation, I instead placed my hand inside my jacket pocket, and found a familiar shape. I stopped in the middle of the road, not having moved far from where I woke up, and closed my eyes and knit my brow in frustration. Slowly I pulled out my revolver, and opened my eyes to look at it.
I looked down at my jacket, then back at the gun, then back at the jacket and said, "Very funny." With my other hand I raised a finger and continued, "Normally I would mean that, but considering the absolute pain I am dealing with right now, your comedic timing is not appreciated."
I tucked the gun away in my suit jacket, patted it and said, "We're going to have a talk later."
I began to walk once more, until I saw movement out of the corner of my eye from the flames of the building I was in. Unsure if what I saw was accurate or just a trick of the light, I pivoted towards the building. That's when I confirmed my suspicions. Standing in the ruined entrance of the building, completely immersed in flames, was the exoskeleton of a surviving robot. It was dark black just like it was on the outside, yet it looked like a human skeleton with piercing blue eyes. And one of them was flickering.
I groaned in annoyance, saying, "Oh come on, now that's just cliché."
Slowly it extended out an arm towards me, ready to shoot me. Before I could react I heard its wrist click several times, indicating it was out of ammo; the robot slowly lowered its arm back to its side.
I giggled cockily at it. "Tough break friend," I taunted. Pulling out my revolver again I said, "You can borrow some of mine! Just tell me where you want them!"
The robot didn't respond, instead it started to walk towards me. Its walk then broke into a sprint, trying to close the distance between us. Thinking fast I fired at its legs hoping to cripple it, but the bullets bounced off the metal, clearly tougher inside than it was outside. Now worried, I took aim at its head, but by that point it had already reached me and it grabbed the revolver and my hand. Its hand tightened and I could feel my bones crunching as it crushed the revolver. I cried out and my fingers released their grip, allowing the damaged revolver to drop to the ground. Seeing that I was disarmed, the robot threw me to the ground next to my gun, causing me to sharply exhale upon impact. Before I could catch my breath the robot was already straddling me, placing the full weight of its exoskeleton on my chest preventing me from breathing. Then it grabbed my throat with both hands.
I struggled for air, but the robot was allowing me to have none. I stared into its eyes as it silently choked me; it had no intention of letting me escape this time. I could see my vision blurring as the world around me grew dark. I was going to die again. Just as I was about to black out for the last time, the robot jerked up and its grip on my throat loosened just enough to allow me to breathe. As my vision came back to normal I saw the robot was pulsing, its body was completely stiff as something came over it. After a couple seconds, the light faded from its eyes, and it dropped to the ground next to me. Finally, hopefully, shut off for good.
My hand felt around my neck and I let out a few hoarse coughs, taking a moment to let air back into my lungs, as well as think about what the hell happened. It couldn't be something stupid like the robot's batteries ran out. I looked around me to see if someone had intervened, but I was alone. However, something was different about the place. Looking down the road towards the buildings I hadn't touched, I noticed that there were no more lights in that direction. Looking through a gap between the studio buildings on my right, I saw there were no lights there either. It was a complete blackout.
I looked back at the robot at my side, its eyes still vacant, and shook my head. No that's not right either, a normal blackout wouldn't have shut off this robot. It's not like it was hooked in with an extension cable or anything. Something hit this entire area and caused everything with power to shut down.
"There's a word for that," I said, thinking out loud, "but what was it again?" I scratched my head, but the answer didn't come to me. I let out a sigh, it doesn't matter. What matters is I'm not dying anymore, so now I can continue unimpeded. Picking myself back off the ground, I dusted myself off and straightened out my suit jacket. I then leaned down to pick up my crumpled gun. Raising it up to my face with a frown, I tucked it back into my jacket and felt it disappear inside. I looked at my right hand and flexed my fingers. Interestingly, they healed back pretty fast as there wasn't too much pain when doing this.
"Huh," I said softly, then I rotated my right shoulder again, stopping immediately when the pain surged back. Nope, that's still damaged. What the hell were in those bullets, I asked myself. Slightly annoyed, I looked back at Vox Tower. Don't worry Vox, I'll be sure to be in tip-top shape when I come to kick your ass.
My eyes scanned up the tower, then stopped when I noticed a new and peculiar sight. Docked at the top of the tower was a giant airship black and gold in color. The frown I had earlier was slowly being replaced with a growing smile.
"Well look who finally decided to show up!" I shouted at the airship, my arms outstretched. Looks like my fun had finally gotten Vox's attention. Then again, is this Vox? I don't think I ever heard of him flying an airship. On the other hand, it is attached to his tower. And if recent experience is to be believed it would've been destroyed by now if it wasn't him. No, there's no doubt about it.
Vox is home.