Chapter Eight

I find myself in the halls of the Citadel again. The knowledge that my presence here is wrong has preyed on my mind since speaking to Pharaoh Man, yet I can't keep myself away. I must find what I'm looking for. I can't keep myself to Skull Fortress, helpless against impending doom. The shadows pull me toward familiar voices, though not without a stab of guilt. This in particular I should not do, but I cannot stop myself. I am a creature of deceit, unable to change my ways.

So far.

The room I slip into is a disused one, meant for whispered secrets and stolen truths. Kalinka and Blues sit knee to knee, leaning toward each in a way that makes me certain I should not be here, yet my shadows hold me still.

"Normal," Kalinka says with a snort. "Why would I ever want to be normal?"

"I didn't mean normal as in boring," Blues replies. His hands float between them, holding back from touching.

"Ah, I'm to be typical then," Kalinka replies, rolling her eyes. "Go to university, marry a good man. Have many Cossack babies, is that it?"

Blues stills, studying her carefully. This isn't an argument, though it sounds like it is. It's something else I don't quite grasp.

"I didn't want that before I met you," Kalinka says firmly. "I can't have babies now, anyway."

There's something sharp and bitter about the way she says it, and Blues slowly brushes a strand of her hair from her face.

"You'll get older, Kali," he says softly. "That's all I meant."

"That's a problem for future me," she declares, giving him a narrow-eyed look. "Are you imagining me all ugly at fifty with wrinkles, is that it?"

"No!" Blues says with a laugh. "You'll never be ugly."

Kalinka's expression twists. "I'm already ugly," she mutters. "You just don't see it."

Something inside me lurches at that. Blues reacts immediately, grabbing her hands and pulling her toward him.

"Hey, no . That's not true," he says sternly. "Have you been thinking that this whole time?"

Kalinka bites her lip and doesn't answer.

"You're not ugly," Blues says softly. "If I'm not allowed to blame myself for creating them, you're not allowed to think your scars make you ugly."

"That's not how anything works," Kalinka replies.

Blues smirks. "What are you going to do about it?"

Kalinka's answer is a kiss, and I take my leave as they embrace. Perhaps the answers I seek are not mine to discover, but it's hard to accept that my only course of action is giving up. I am not needed here, not wanted, yet I linger. I wander through empty halls. I watch Dr. Cossack pour over papers, Toad Man and Bright Man sweep leaves outside, Drill Man watching a television show about demolitions. Normal life in the Citadel. Peaceful, and quiet.

I should leave, but a different sound pulls me down another hall, an angry voice I recognize.

"How can you just stand there and watch?"

Ring Man, full of his own bitterness. Drifting further down this hall risked encountering Pharaoh Man again, so I follow the voices, finding Ring Man and Skull Man in another room.

In his human guise, Skull Man is still quite imposing, bony even in artificial flesh. It's as if his calm personality is to counterbalance his appearance, and it seems to work on most. Not his brother, who only grows angrier the calmer Skull Man remains.

"What exactly am I supposed to do?" Skull Man replies.

"Something! Anything! Talk Kalinka out of it." Ring Man scowls deeply. "She can't date Proto Man ."

"He's not Proto Man anymore," Skull Man says. "And must I remind you of how well Kalinka reacts to being told what to do?"

Ring Man throws up his hands. "Does it matter? He's a robot!"

"So he is," Skull Man replies. "Are you suggesting Kalinka is unaware of this fact?"

Ring Man looks like he wants to hit his taller brother, and for a moment, I sympathize.

"Ivan," Skull Man says with a sigh. "It is not as if Father and I do not have our concerns, but they are teenagers. Kalinka has plenty of growing to do. Blues has never had the chance to grow before. What harm is there in letting them figure out who they will become together?"

"And when she grows into an adult and he doesn't?" Ring Man demands.

"We do not know what Blues will become," Skull Man says. "His programming is more complex than ours, more experimental."

"That's all the more reason to not let them date!" Ring Man cries. "What about her future?"

Skull Man gives his brother a cutting look. He knows, I think, how uncertain Kalinka is about her own future. More than Ring Man, for certain.

"I will tell you what will happen if you try," he says darkly. "Kalinka will not listen to you—or anyone else who challenges her choices based on superficial concerns. She may cling to the relationship in unhealthy ways, and that will not be good for either of them. Kalinka needs to figure things out on her own, and so does Blues."

It's too simple of an answer. Ring Man wants to argue more, and I want to hear it, but Skull Man's eyes catch on my shadows, lingering too long.

I slip away, feeling unsatisfied. Was that all the answer I will get, simply wait and see? I need answers now, not in months and years. I find myself heading for Blues' room, and change directions with a shake of my head. This is not the place for me. It never has been.

I almost don't catch the crowbar as it swings right for my head, my robotic reflexes just fast enough.

"Ptolemy was right," Kalinka says smugly, holding the other end of the crowbar. "You have been lurking."

I emerge from my shadows, plucking the metal from her hands just in case. "Is it necessary to greet me like this every time?"

"I've only done it twice," Kalinka replies, studying me with narrowed eyes. "I wouldn't do it if you didn't sneak around."

"It is my nature," I say, narrowing my eyes at her in return. "What exactly has Ptolemy told you?"

"If you wanted to know, you could just read it in my diary," Kalinka says flatly.

Hrm. Caught. "I couldn't read your diary, you wrote it in code."

Her expression sharpens. "I knew that was you. My brothers wouldn't dare."

I raise my eyebrows at her.

"I always place a hair on the edge of a corner to see if anyone moves it," Kalinka replies.

"Which one of us," I say, after a brief pause. "Is the stealthy one?"

Kalinka shakes her head. "Shadow Man," she says, expression softening. "If you are worried about Blues, you should just talk to him."

"That's—" I can't keep myself from wincing, holding back the impulse to curse Pharaoh Man. "That's not feasible."

"And spying on him secretly is?" Kalinka asks, arms crossed.

"I—he shouldn't—" I can't lie to Kalinka, no matter how much I would like to. She would see right through it. "Does he know? Is he…"

"He's sleeping," Kalinka says. "And no, I haven't told him."

I pause. "Will you?"

Kalinka looks as if she's considering it, but she shakes her head. "Of course not. But you need to stop doing this and just talk to him."

I scowl. "He will not want to see me. He should not see me. It's not good for his recovery."

"What about yours?" she asks quietly.

I'm not suffering , I want to say. But that is also a lie.

"I won't bother you again," I say, leaving before Kalinka can protest.

Author's Note: Been busy moving, very tired, sorry for the wait!