Author's Note: Hope people are enjoying this weird story. I know it's really different from my Metroid stuff and I wonder how many people are getting emails that I've posted and are like "Oh no, it's just that weird angel thing again." lol

Hope people reading it are enjoying though! Please leave a review if you get a chance! I enjoy the motivation lol

Chapter 6: What's a Rogue Demon?

The back of the coffee shop was pretty much the same as it had been last night. Refrigerators and boxes everywhere with a couple of uniforms hung up neatly on the wall. Bailey was still amazed that, given how much was back here, everything looked pristine and perfectly organized.

"Was it you or Michael who got really into Marie Kondo?" Bailey asked, looking over to Lucifer who was putting on her red work apron over her black button down and slacks.

"Hmm?" Lucifer glanced over. "Marie who?"

Bailey shook her head. "Never mind. I meant which one of you is so big on organization?"

"Heh…" Lucifer let out a deep chuckle with a pained expression. "It definitely isn't Michael. Not in the slightest. I don't even let him back here usually. This is all me."

"Wow." Bailey ran a hand along a cardboard box as she looked over to a shelf full of dry ingredients, somehow organized by both height and color. "I guess the Devil really is in the details."

Lucifer gave her the most deadpan expression, and the two of them just stared at each other for a full thirty seconds.

"Guess you've heard that one before?" Bailey asked.

"You think? What is it with you humans and all making the same puns?"

"To be fair, I think you've met more humans than I've met devils."

"I suppose that's fair." Lucifer walked over to the door and peaked into the main portion of the shop. She frowned. "Why the hell are they still here? Why are they even here to begin with?"

Bailey walked over to look as well. She was starting to think that Lucifer's secrecy in the angels' presence didn't have to do with bothering Michael so much as she was just anxious around them.

"Is it true that Gabrielle tore your wings off?"

Lucy looked surprised as she glanced over to Bailey. She hastily shut the door again and began walking to the back of the storage room. Baily followed and discovered that behind the stacks of boxes, there was a small area with one of the tables and a couple of the chairs from the main room. Lucifer took a seat and gestured for Bailey to do so as well.

"Yes," the Devil said with a note of hesitation in her voice as Bailey sat down. "Or at least, she was one of the people there. I haven't seen her since, and it was a very very long time ago. I wish she would just go and fuck off for another two hundred thousand years."

Lucifer's anxiety was suddenly making more sense to Bailey, and she wondered how powerful Gabrielle must have been given what she had seen Lucifer able to do out in the woods. That was assuming Gabrielle had taken her down alone, though it sounded like there were multiple attackers.

"Why did she do that, if you don't mind my asking?" Bailey figured she was probably pushing her luck by asking for details, but her inner journalist needed the whole story. It was practically a craving.

"A lot of reasons," Lucifer said, looking off to the side as though staring out in the distance. "I was already fallen then, so they all knew of my treachery. I had led a war against Heaven. And I had returned to Earth and ruined Man. She had a lot of good reasons, I guess."

Bailey thought that over for a while. It was a lot to process. Her brain still wasn't quite done processing the fact that the woman sitting in front of her was the Devil, least of all that she was the Satan she had seen in the woods. Those last sentences were a sharp reminder though, and it sent a shiver down her spine.

"So, the Adam and Eve thing is true?"

"More or less. I never lied to them though. I just told them things Mother had held back. Eve ate the fruit willingly. She wasn't exactly the damsel in distress seduced by a snake that people think she was. The punishment was the same as the one you heard though. Cast out of the garden and a series of sexist burdens on women for the generations to come. Truth be told, I hadn't considered the Creator would punish her so harshly. I thought They would bring down Their wrath on me first and foremost and sort of give Adam and Eve equal slaps on the wrist."

"And the Creator sent Gabrielle to take away your wings?"

Lucifer shook her head. "The Creator just cursed the denizens of Hell to be 'ugly' and develop animal-like features. Gabrielle and a couple of others took it upon themselves to punish me. She wasn't technically the one who tore off my wings. She was just there. Believe it or not, it was Zeus who actually did it. My power was already waning after the Fall, and he saw it as a good time to get vengeance for other times we had faced one another. Gabrielle just… well, she didn't help when I called out to her. She just watched, barely out of my arm's reach."

"That…" Bailey paused. "I can see how that would make you hate her."

She could also see why Lucifer would have so much anxiety about being around her now. Angel Wing PTSD sounded like it could last a few hundred thousand years.

"Wait…" Bailey's eyes went wide as she realized something. "Are you telling me Zeus is real too?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"And the rest of the—"

"It's complicated."

"Huh."

"I don't know why humans think only one of their worldviews is correct. There's a whole universe out there and things I haven't even heard of, and I'm older than time."

Bailey had to think about that for a while. It was somehow more mind-boggling than just believing that angels and devils were real. Zeus, Anubis, Thor… the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Were those all real too? What about Santa Claus? She figured at least some of those had to be made up, particularly the last one.

"More seriously," Lucifer continued, setting down her coffee, "the real reason I brought you here is to talk about our little serial killer friend, the one who is impersonating me and running a demon cult."

Bailey flinched at the memory of the night before, when she had been accosted by the hooded figures and almost killed. And then, strangely enough, rescued by Satan.

"You don't think you incinerated all of them last night?"

Lucifer shook her head.

"Those were just henchmen. I'm convinced there's an actual demon in the center of this, and it's trying to draw me out to confront it."

"And I take it you want to confront it?" Bailey asked, concerned about how she could tie into all this.

"Of course. I'm Lord of Hell, am I not? Controlling its demon population and keeping it away from humanity is part of my job description. Not that I'm always very on top of that but still…. Either way, this demon specifically targeted someone I knew, and I can't just let that stand."

"Oh yeah. You knew the person." In the chaos, Bailey had forgotten that Lucy was supposedly the emergency contact the police had gotten in touch with when they had found the body. She had figured that was just a cover story to hide the fact that Lucy was Satan but if it was true, that didn't have the best implications. "Wait, do they know that now I'm someone you know?"

"Possibly. I'm not sure which demon it is. They could be listening to us this very moment."

Well that was creepy. Bailey looked around. It was clear from her face just how weirded out she was by the idea.

"Calm down," Lucifer said. "Now that I know they're around, I'm not going to let them hurt you. They would have to be extremely stupid to try and attack you while I'm around."

"Wait… is that why you were in my bedroom this morning? Looking all Satany?"

"There is a method to my madness," the Devil said with a smirk. "Yes, I was keeping an eye on you since the demon may have seen us together last night. It's also why I came downstairs after you got to the shop. I had been following you, but I figured it would freak you out so I appeared in this form, which you had seemed more okay with."

"…why are you bothering to protect me?"

Lucifer shrugged.

"Why shouldn't I? You're not a terrible person. You don't deserve that kind of death. And it was purely by accident that our paths ended up crossing and then you decided to go to a crime scene in the woods for some reason."

"Probably not one of the better ideas I've ever had."

"You think?"

"How do you know I'm not a bad person though?" Bailey asked. "I mean, you barely know me. I haven't told you much about myself."

"Hm. Uncomfortable question time." Lucifer sighed. She took off her glasses and started cleaning them with her shirt. She avoided looking at Bailey. "I took a look into your soul back when we were in the woods. You're not exactly a saint, but you're an average decent person."

"…you looked into my soul? That's a thing that you can do…? What?"

"How do you think I judge humans?" When she had determined they were sufficiently clean, Lucy put her glasses back on and looked at Bailey. "People come to Hell, and I can see what their various 'sins' were throughout their lives. It's how I know where to put them, and it works on living humans too."

That had some terrifying implications. Bailey wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Don't worry," Lucifer continued. "I don't plan on looking into your soul again. It was an accident that it even happened the first time. I was trying to get clues about the cultists but you just happened to be there so I saw your soul as well."

"Not sure if that makes it better or worse… I'm just trying to get past the idea that the Devil can seesouls."

"Sometimes I forget just how little people know about what being the Devil entails. At any rate, you're not bad. I don't hate being around you because you don't disgust me. So, I figure I'm not just going to leave you to die horribly."

"…how charming."

"What can I say? I have low standards."

"What's what everyone wants to hear from their guardian angel."

Lucifer suddenly looked horrified, presumably at the concept that she was Bailey's guardian angel.

"This is a temporary arrangement," the Devil said. "I'm not the guardian angel type. I am the exact opposite. I am the reckless-endangerment-devil type. So, let's get that clear first and foremost. I may be doing this right now to help you out, but I am literally Satan."

"Right right…" Bailey wasn't sure what to say to that. The fact that Lucifer was literally Satan hadn't been lost on her, but… well, trying to figure out what exactly it meant for someone to be Satan was a work in progress.

"We need to find a way to get this demon to show themself so I can deal with them as quickly as possible. We don't need anything up here murdering humans and giving me a bad name."

"…a worse name than Satan?"

"…"

"I mean," Bailey said, "I'm pretty sure the ship has sailed on that one."

"You have a point. I just don't like it."

Lucifer was silent for a bit, and Bailey thought she was thinking until she realized the Devil was just listening to see if she could still hear the angels in the main part of the store.

"So," Bailey said after a few minutes to break what had become an uncomfortably tense silence, "what is it you want me to do to help you catch this demon now?"

"I was thinking," Lucifer said, looking at her very seriously, "live bait."

Bailey just stared at her. "No. Hell no."

"Hear me out, Rebecca. You wouldn't be in any actual danger. I'd be with you, of course."

"Consider my perspective. I almost got murdered and then literal Satan showed up, committed a triple homicide in front of me, and is now telling me more people want to murder me so he wants me to act as live bait so he can catch a demon."

"Yes, that's about the size of it."

"You can see why I'm hesitant, right?"

"You can be as hesitant as you want, but if you don't do what I want you to in order to catch this demon, you'll almost certainly die."

Bailey frowned. She was having a lot of feelings right then, but she didn't have the wherewithal to process them all. She didn't seem to have much of that in general lately, probably because of how chronically stressed out she was with everything going on in the world. The idea of being caught in yet another inescapable nightmare was exhausting.

"I wish Michael was here," she caught herself saying before she could really think about it. "No offense. He's just…"

"I know how Michael is, and I'm not offended. Like I said to Gabriel, he should be back around three. You're welcome to stay here. It'll make it easier to keep an eye on you."

"Right… I appreciate that." Bailey thought for a moment, trying to picture the eagle-winged archangel working anywhere. The first thing she pictured him as was a lawyer and then a firefighter and then a Taco Bell employee, and then she tried to imagine him in a suit doing business and stock-market things. "Michael's at work, right? What exactly does he do?"

"What do you think he does?" Lucifer looked surprised. "He's a doctor who works pro bono with low-income families. And then on the side he volunteers at the animal shelter. Because… you know." Lucifer rolled her eyes. "He's a fucking angel and unlike the two in the other room, he actually acts like it with all of his do-gooder pursuits."

"That's… pretty darn angelic. Yeah."

"Anyway, I don't want Gabriel and Raphael to bother him with their Satanic witch hunt bull shit. Michael's been very understandably drained when he gets home from work, and I'd rather he just gets to relax and wind down. Those idiots need to just leave already."

Bailey was certain that wasn't the only reason Lucifer wanted the two angels out of there. She wondered why Lucy didn't just kick them out, but then she remembered what they had said about how Satan lost most of his power and had to rely upon tricks and skills. She figured that meant he couldn't face the real angels head-on and thus didn't want to risk a conflict.

"I could ask them to leave," Bailey said. "You know, make it a human kind of thing. Just say they need to leave because with the pandemic restrictions, your shop can only have four people in it at a time or something so their presence is keeping the customers out."

Lucifer's eyes lit up at that. "That's a thing? Like is that an actual thing?"

"I mean… I don't know the exact laws, but a lot of places have signs saying stuff like that. So, I figure why not make it your store's policy too?"

"And then we can keep the damn angels out! I like the way you think."

Bailey wasn't sure how to feel about the fact that Satan liked the way she thought, but she figured that was the least important thing going on.

"You want me to go out there and tell them?"

Lucifer shook her head. "No, I'll do it. It's my damned shop."

The Devil stood up and stretched as she walked out into the main part of the shop. Bailey waited a minute but then followed her and peeked out through the door. Lucy seemed like she was trying to be professional enough at first, although there was a lot of hostility between her and the angels. Eventually they left, and Lucifer looked relieved as she threw herself down on one of the couches and just sat back and stared at the ceiling for a while.

"Coffee?" Bailey asked as she wandered out into the store.

"You know where it is," Lucy said, gesturing apathetically to the counter.

"No, I was asking if you wanted any."

"Oh." Lucy sat up straighter. "Yeah. I'll take it black."

"Coming right up." Bailey went and made two cups of coffee and brought one to the Devil before taking a seat in the oversized chair next to her. By this point, Lucifer had switched back to the more masculine form that was probably his default. His horns and tail were showing as they usually did when he was like this.

"Hiding the horns and tail itches," Lucifer explained as he took a long sip. "This is a relief like taking off a tie that's too tight after a long day."

"I see." Bailey wasn't sure what to say to that. She had never thought about whether or not shapeshifting was comfortable. "And you don't want to keep them out in barista form?"

The Devil shrugged. "Sometimes a demon just wants to look more like themself. This is the form I'm in most often. It was my form even before the Fall, minus the horns and tail and plus wings, of course."

Lucifer sipped his coffee and just stared into space. He adjusted his glasses to compensate for the slight change in the shape of his face. Bailey took a moment to drink her coffee as well, all too aware of the situation she was in.

"You're a journalist, right?" said the Devil.

"I am. More or less." She didn't feel like explaining that she wrote for a trashy tabloid.

"Your type is always going around sticking your noses where they don't belong, as evidenced by how I found you in the woods. You think any of your journalist pals might have information that could aid our search for the rogue demon?"

"Huh." Bailey thought it over for a moment. "Guess I could ask around and see if anyone has come across anything weird. "

"All right," said Lucifer. "It's decided then. You go ask everyone you know for information about their experiences with demons, and then I'll use you as live bait to capture our serial killer."

"Wait… wait… this plan really doesn't seem great. I mean, I can't just ask people if they've seen a demon."

"Why not?" Lucifer looked genuinely confused. "Everyone must know by now that the suspicion was always on a weird demon-worshipping cult, and the way I incinerated and arranged those bodies for the cops to find was very indicative that they were dealing with the occult."

"What do you mean the way you arranged the bodies?"

"Well, they were all charred up and… seemed like a waste of perfectly good bodies to just dump them in a hole somewhere so I just carved a bunch of enochian words into them and then drew a big pentagram in the middle of Town Hall and arranged them around it. The pentagram was really just for show, of course. That doesn't actually summon me or anything. I mean… nothing humans can do would actually summon me except calling my phone, and even then there's like an eighty percent chance I won't answer because I hate carrying the damn thing around and always forget it in my—wait, what were we talking about again?"

"Um… the way you disposed of the bodies from last night's triple homicide."

"Oh right, that. Basically, I was just letting the demon know I was on to them, and it's overtly occult-oriented enough that it shouldn't raise any red flags if you call your journalist friends and ask them if they know anything about weird cults or alleged demons."

Bailey took another long sip of her coffee.

"I guess that makes sense. And… at this point, what do I have to lose?" She had already sold out her journalistic integrity when she wrote an article called 'Toddler Mask Fashion Nightmares that Make Us Cringe.' Not like she could sink any lower than that. At least investigating this story had a good reason and could stop a few homicidal nut jobs. "Sure, what the Hell. I'm gonna text some people now."

Lucifer grinned. "That's the spirit!"