"Go away, I'm not worth saving. I'm disposable, if I die, another one of me will take my place. So please, leave me Shinji."
Rei tried to cut herself away from life, taking only Shinji's MP3 with her, the only remainder of the person she had loved.
Was it even love?
She didn't know for certain about her feelings for him. After all, if it were love, then it was simply a bud waiting to blossom. So inside the metallic cage of her cockpit, while the angel was consuming her very being, she chose to let it all go. To let other people survive. To let Shinji survive.
And yet, she was not allowed to. The third Children broke inside the cage, striving to save her. Risking his own life for the girl who didn't value hers. His face contorted in excruciating pain, cold sweat on his face.
"No way, take my hand"
In that moment, Rei couldn't refuse. By lending his hand to the girl that had no meaning in her existence, Shinji gave the girl a value. Five words were enough to justify her life. A honest phrase shouted across the barrier of fear of intimacy that protects the human being.
That was the most important moment in Rei's life and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't remember what happened after that. She could fear a sharp pain on her chest while she recalled again and again those moments.
Why can't I remember?
There must be something, I'm the last person to have seen him.
I need to find at least a clue.
But nothing came. Hugging her knees inside the hospital room she refused to give up but she didn't have any memories that could be useful to find Shinji.
He saved me and I can't do anything
This continued for three days, interrupted only by the sporadical doctor visit. The routine was interrupted only by the arrival of someone else inside her room. Not a visitor, but a rommate. The doctors pushed inside a bed with a lot of strange machines attached to the side. At first she didn't care for it, but then…
Wait, what?
Rei got up and peeked over the curtains separating the two beds.
A girl her age, laid unconscious on the mattress, the constant beeping of the complicated machinery the only proof that she was even alive. The face was spent and slim, the expression peaceful yet disturbed. She was really different from the last time the two had seen each other, but Rei would have recognized those long, red hair everywhere.
"Asuka?"
She didn't receive any reply.
It was strange for Rei calling Asuka with her first name, but after she offered to switch places on the 04's tests she felt like they shared some kind of bond, however frail that was. Unfortunately, Rei never discovered if Asuka actually acted out of kindness, as she was involved with the Angel incident, but she inherently felt a connection starting to form with the girl. And now she was there, in a bedroom right beside her.
Please reply
Rei clenched on the curtains. She could feel her face heating up and was biting her lips. She felt a strange need, one she didn't ever have.
Asuka, talk to me.
She wanted Asuka to talk to her. So she tried walking to the girl's bedroom side, but fell on her way. Her body still too weak, her knees shook at her every step. She tried to grab something, anything, to stop her fall and in doing so grabbed onto the red haired girl garments, toring them.
"Why? Why was the test done at that time? Why the Angel had to attack that day?"
Rei's started to get up, using everything in her reach to stand.
"I…I just tried to connect them. I wanted everyone to just try to be happy. Are we cursed to not being able to do even this?"
Rei stood at the edge of Asuka's bed shook the comatose body with the few energy she had.
"For which sins are we paying the price? Are we cursed by Adam's body?"
The girl knew about Adam, about Eva's true nature, but she didn't know why they were all needed.
"If we're doing this to save the world, why do we need to suffer so? Maybe we were never supposed to bother Adam. Maybe this really is a punishment."
Sometimes knowledge is dangerous, and can damage the mind of the wise. And in that situation Rei, which was the only one to know some details of the NERV constructions, felt damaged by her memories.
The same memories which very well reminded her of the pain she felt the day in which Asuka was involved in the incident, very well remembered her good intentions broken, very well remembered Shinji saving her, but that failed the moment the boy disappeared.
"It's almost as if life's mocking me. It's not like I'm not trying…. I am but even so…but even so…"
Tear started flowing down her cheeks while she buried her face on the bed where the comatose Asuka slept.
"What do I do now?"
She never had to value anything strongly, but now, now that hand lent to her, gave her value. She needed to understand that, she needed to help Shinji, but she felt helpless; in a situation that couldn't be solved by simply going on a suicide attack and then hope another "good" Rei takes her place. She had to save him, and she had to be alive waiting for his return. She felt happy thinking Shinji would be sad without her, but bearing the responsabilty to survive was hard.
Withouth even knowing, Rei got closer to Asuka, and placer her head on the girl's exposed chest. Feeling something new, Rei understood the sensation of being hold by a sister, something she only read about in books, and for the first time in 3 days, she could let some of her worries go. She felt guilty in resting without any info on retrieving Shinji's body, but the hours spent without sleep resulted in her falling slowly asleep, while embracing her former lost companion. And in her cries, a little mumbling could be heard, before the girl fell asleep
"In the end, I'm the Savior of None"