BAND OF BROTHERS
CHAPTER 9
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"We searched everywhere, but the bastard seems to have disappeared into thin air," Cloud traverses a luminous portal, Tifa following right behind, both of them with their countenances of concern and frustration.
Tifa´s saddened eyes fix on the purple ones of the Dragoon, feeling utterly ashamed. "We couldn´t find a portal that would guide us to his path. I´m sorry, Kain."
Almost at the same time, and before the tall man can say a word, Squall appears through another portal, Rinoa hot on his trail, angered and flustered by their enemy´s escape. "Same here, it´s as if he just vanished from the realms, Squall and I couldn´t find a single trace of his steps."
Y´shtola walks towards them to receive their news, a sigh escaping her lips at the futile attempt; she feels apologetic too when her eyes meet Kain´s, but the tall man shakes his head, trying to ease her guilt, and nods at his friends, hoping to comfort them. "Thank you for all your effort, Lightning and I truly appreciate your sincere concern."
"How is she?" Tifa asks, and the Miqo'te only sighs again.
"She´s been… silent all this time, sitting in the boulder we left her in, and looking into empty space, not uttering a single word."
"Really?" Rinoa approaches, a delicate eyebrow raised in disbelief, "I was sure she´d be killing the biggest monster we could find here… if we get to find any."
"Or destroying a whole battalion of mannequins." Tifa intervenes, one hand over the shorter woman´s shoulder, who nods in appreciation.
"Yeah, that sounds more like it."
The Miqo'te nods with sadness. "Yes, I was under the same impression but… but she´s just there, sitting, looking at nothing in particular, as if disconnected from this world. From us."
"Well, how is a girl supposed to act after being raped?" Asks Cloud, making Tifa and Rinoa interchange looks. "I´m sure we can´t really expect her to act her usual self. It has to be hard on her too, right?"
"I- I don´t know…" Rinoa answers hesitantly.
"I really don´t think there´s a way a girl should react after… such an act." Tifa finishes, unsure of her words.
"Even if there was a common way a woman would react to such depravation," Y´shtola intervenes, "which I think there isn´t, this is Lightning we´re talking about. We all know she´s no ordinary woman, we can´t expect from her any ordinary response."
"Then, what do we do?"
"Just give her some time." Incredibly, it´s Squall the one to answer. "She´s the strongest person I´ve ever met in my life. I´m sure she´ll come along just fine. She just needs to cope."
Surprised, Kain looks at the cadet, thankful for his words, and nods at him.
"Then I guess it´ll be me the one to help her." He´s about to give the steps towards the lone woman, but a hand grasping tightly his arm prevents him from it.
"I think I said we should leave her."
"No, you said we should give her some time. Not leave her alone." Forcefully, the Dragoon withdraws his offending arm and walks silently towards the pinkette, his form followed by the concerned stares of his peers. He huffs at Squall´s words, worried he might be right and he should leave Lightning alone, but as the lithe and lonesome figure appears in his line of vision, his determination to be by her side grows stronger.
Squall can´t know a thing about his beautiful goddess.
After finally recovering her full energy, Lightning went to sit on the nearest boulder she could find, distance enough from her comrades, but close enough so that she could be aware of them. And for a full hour, she hadn´t moved from that position, her inert form deeply contrasting with her feelings and thoughts enveloped in a raging tempest. Completely silent, her eyes scan the horizon without really seeing it, as confusing images invade her mind. First are the memories of the attack, but combined with them, are the images of her life as the Savior, of the many words that had carved on her soul during her latest challenge.
And for the first time, she feels despairing.
She´s well aware the promise she made to Bhunivelze has to keep on being her main concern, but she feels doubtful about the possibility of success after the recent events because, being honest, with the state her body and her mind are in, how would she ever be able to return to such mission? How is she going to collect the souls Bhunivelze needs to take to the promised world? How, a broken soul like hers, will be able to heal another broken soul, and thus get the Eradia she needs? How is she going to save Serah if she cannot keep her promise to this God of Light?
Serah… how can I save you? when I couldn´t even save myself…
Regret and loss tighten her chest, hurting her, making her feel adrift. Lightning closes her eyes and lowers her head, holding Y'shtola´s jacket closer around herself, as another uninvited wave of images and voices invade her, memories of her past and recent events. Of the ultimate lies she had heard.
Behold, the harbinger of destruction!
Oh, how many times, after being reborn as the Savior, had she heard those words? Everyone had believed her to be so powerful. Etro! She herself had believed it! But this treacherous attack has put her in her true place: her heart hammers against her chest when she recalls the fear invading her whole once she realizes she´s not able to move, to defend herself. She´s rendered as nothing but a mere and pathetic damsel in distress.
I´ve been fighting destiny for a long time now, and I´m getting good at it…
Lies, just empty promises from an empty God that she repeated over and over to herself in order to believe them, knowing all along they were nothing but lies. Or is she the one lying to herself, even now? She was the stupid one, believing those promises when her instincts reminded her many times, she shouldn´t trust in Gods. Lightning closes her eyes when her mind assaults her with images of Sephiroth´s body looming over her.
There are no dead souls here, waiting for you to save. Just dead people, waiting for the end to come…
She hated Cain for being so negative, for letting himself be defeated by a simple idea of a girl. But now, with disgust forming in her throat, she recalls Sephiroth´s treacherous hands touching her tender flesh, long fingernails scratching her delicate skin. Who´s the stupid now? Who is the defeated girl, left to rot by a man who used her as his newest toy?
Do I look crushed to you?
She had felt so powerful, so absolutely unstoppable when she woke up from her crystal sleep to become Bhunivelze´s champion. Make that, his joke, she thinks when her mind recalls the painful current born in her bosom and traversing her body, traveling towards her enemy and breaking her magic prison, only to see it passing through Spiritus´s most loathed champion without significant harm.
No man can stare into the darkness for so long, and survive with his soul intact.
She inhales deeply, as the memory of his palm blocking air into her lungs assaults her senses once again. The feeling of her seemingly unavoidable death still lingers within her chest.
You are no Goddess now. You´re merely a hunter of souls…
Caius always knew she was nothing but a clown, no more than a sacrifice from a treacherous God. She didn´t pay attention, never believed the lies of that man, which turned out to be nothing but the ugly truth. There was never an almighty Savior, just Lightning Farron playing with a power promised to her, but one that never came. She still can feel desperation, and her body shivers at recalling the pain produced by Sephiroth´s flesh entering her, the ultimate act of torture and degradation raping her being and her heart, not only her body.
Does my victory still sting? Do you seek vindication?
Caius´s words ring in her ears with a painful tone. Ironic, that two men with swords as tall as their owners, destroyed her sense of victory, or in better words, humiliated her.
Twice.
For the umpteenth time, she sighs and closes her eyes, forcing away the intense need to cover her head with both hands, fighting to avoid those images, those voices, pestering her mind, but knows it´s of no avail.
How ironic indeed. The Savior needs to be saved now, but no one there would do such a task.
The idea that forms into her mind clenches at her chests harder than the pain in between her legs. She holds Y'shtola´s jacket harder around her, wondering why hasn´t she changed from her ragged and useless clothes. In spite of her, a sad smirk is drawn on her delicate lips.
How pathetic can I be?
The not so mighty Savior envelops herself with her own arms, leaning forward, almost making a cocoon for herself with her own body, while she forces away the emotions.
Emotionlessly is the only way she can deal with the problem now.
Oh, Luka… would you cry for me now?
Out of nowhere, the pinkette is forcefully taken from her dire thoughts, startled by a foreign touch and an unwelcomed shadow moving in her line of vision, when Kain steps in front of her and kneels, his hand placed reassuringly on her bare knee. He´s come to give her support and empathy.
An offering that comes unwelcomed, as her mind and her body scream of nothing but danger.
The moment his palm makes contact with her skin, Lightning immediately snaps awake from her numbed state of mind, and in a mechanical reaction, she slaps away the offending appendage, getting up immediately, as if the touch had burned her. Her sudden reaction makes Kain stand up, almost in a jump, and gives a step back too; the two lovers stand face to face with one another, their eyes locked together.
Her out of the blue reaction takes both as a surprise, and for a moment, neither of them finds words that could soothe their confused feelings. Lightning is the first to break eye contact, ashamed by her actions, well aware she had hurt the man who only wanted to help her, but too proud, or maybe too confused, to apologize. The Dragoon stands on his place, unmoving, unflinching, waiting for her to make the first move. She turns around, her back now to him, and holds herself with both hands. Words are denied to her mouth, and just when the silence gets too unbearable, he´s the one to break their muteness for her sake.
"I´m here, Lightning." His baritone voice breaches through her ears and into her heart, squashing it out of guilt. "What do you need?" But his offer only makes her feel even worse.
Kain Highwind, always the gentleman. It´s obvious the only thing he wanted was to offer support, and instead, she rejected him. As proof of his love and trust for her, he showed her his most vulnerable side, only to get that trust broken into pieces with a single, thoughtlessly reaction. Just like she did to Serah on her birthday, those many centuries ago.
Like her namesake, she cannot protect, she only destroys.
Right when she starts feeling guilt building inside her chest, the pinkette forces herself to shut down the emotion, shakes her head and closes her mind from any desire. They have no time for guilt nor apologies.
"Give me a minute, Kain." Her husky voice reaches him, the tone an octave lower, the only proof of her true state of mind. "We need to keep moving, but I just need a minute."
"You can take more if you want. We would all understand you would need to linger here, after what happened to you…"
"Nothing happened to me." This time, her voice is harsh, enraged, and she turns her head, just enough so that she can see him through her eyelashes, and her steely eyes let him get a glimpse of the Valkyrie she´s always been. No, the Warrior Goddess she had to transform into, and though his heart suffers for what she had to go through, his body reacts with an intense need for the incredible woman he has in front of him.
But such display of bravado makes him finally understand her silent plea: There´s no way she would allow him to see her like this, no one should. At least not a second time. Kain knows she regrets that moment of relapse when she allowed him to hold her tight, to comfort her. He understands more than anyone how much the memory of that moment of weakness has injured her pride.
He swallows his own pride, his love for her, and his need for her, showing that his respect for her and her wishes is stronger than his own desires.
"Lightning." Uttering such a simple word, he nods and turns around, leaving her alone.
Oh, how much she wants to just curl up and die! She looks at his retreating form, clenching her chest as if she were clenching her treacherous heart that only wants to run away towards him, hold him tight and beg him to take her, to replace Sephiroth´s touch with his. Just like he did a couple of hours ago…
But Lightning is a proud creature, her pride it´s what has sustained her standing during her direst situations. It´s her pride that will sustain her now. She clenches her jaw and her eyes, falling on her knees and holding herself tighter, as wild and hot tears run down her cheeks, soft whimpering the only sounds she emanates as her shoulders shake. The last show of weakness she´ll allow herself, the sole moment of release she´ll permit herself.
And never more.
Kain does as if he can´t hear her while he walks away, his heart broken by the lone suffering of his Valkyrie. And though he has chosen to respect her needs over his, there´s one question that still burns his chest. When will Lightning finally let him in?
The group of concerned friends gets up at the sight of his form walking towards them, and the Dragoon can see each face full of concern. His chest full of sadness and a little bit of shame, the man is certain they witnessed his failed attempt at comforting her. He´s about to speak to them, to reassure them when he notices new members who hadn´t been accompanying his comrades previously: Warrior of Light, escorted by Noctis, stands in the middle of their group, and Kain also notices there´s someone missing between the pair.
"Where´s Cecil?" Kain doesn´t know why his voice sounds so aggressive, but he cannot help it, especially not know.
Though it would seem the Warrior of Light doesn´t feel bothered by his aggressiveness. "We were heading to meet with the Goddess Materia, but then I noticed a large group of our allies was congregating in a small space, I had to come to see for myself the reason for their lingering in dangerous places. Then I heard of what happened to Lightning. Cecil went to meet with the Goddess in advance, while we had to see for our comrade. How is she?"
Kain crosses his arms, fighting the dark feeling growing inside him. Why didn´t his brother linger to check on him, to support him? What could be more important for Cecil than to be by his side, knowing very well he would be restless for Lightning? Kain spats his next words, unavoidably angered.
"She´s fine, thank you. You didn´t need to move from your original path for something like this."
The man, their leader, dismisses his words with a wave of his hand. "I certainly did. Lightning is my second in command. She´s an important member of my team."
"I thought Cecil was your second in command."
Warrior of Light pauses for a moment, forcing himself not to fall for Kain´s provocations, trying to understand the man´s protective attitude. After all, it´s Lightning and Cecil they´re talking about.
"Yes, I´m sure you and he would think as such. But you and I well know Lightning is better qualified for the responsibility, especially during this cycle, where she´s shown so much growth. But now that she´s injured…"
"You came here to check if she´s still qualified?"
Warrior of Light mulls a few seconds on how to respond. He knows he´s treading on thin ice. He very well knows that, while Lightning is adamant about keeping her feelings from the rest, Kain instead becomes a powerful force to go against whenever there´s an issue related to Cecil and Lightning´s safety and well-being.
"Her maturity and new source of strength won´t change for a single event. We, Noctis and I, merely came to see for our sister in arms. Nothing more."
"Then you should know there´s nothing to be worried about." The husky voice, spoken with such determination from behind the group, makes everyone turn around, searching for the source. And the form they find, leaves many of them speechless.
Lightning walks towards them, her eyes closed in slits zooming on Warrior of Light, full determination embedded in them, not a single trace of doubt on her countenance. Her step is that of the tiger, like the one of a predator dominating its environment, not a single trace of pain nor despair, but with the regal attitude of a queen. Of a goddess. Her torn and bloodied clothes are replaced by her pristine Providence garb, the white of its fabric making her shine under the sunlight, the sound of her high heeled footsteps marking her dignity, while her crystal blue eyes are fixed on Warrior of Light´s ones, the might showing behind them making him doubt for a moment. Is this the woman who has just been raped by the most treacherous man on their enemy´s sides? But then he smiles, pleased by seeing her in her full strength.
"I´m glad to know the rumors of your plight are not true. I was exactly going to demand Materia to…"
"Materia can´t and won´t do anything for me," she interrupts the man, holding her chin up high in pride, "nor have I need of you to move a finger. If you´d known me, you should understand that it´ll be me the one to make anyone pay for his deeds. It´s me the one who will go now to Spiritus´s side to demand justice to be served."
Everyone paled at her confession.
"Spiritus? You cannot go directly with him." Warrior of Light asks, doubtful and a bit wary.
"And why the hell not? You three went to meet him. What makes you think he won´t receive me?"
"Because he invited us in, he wanted to present a plan for this world to survive, while you will go to seek revenge, to demand blood from his servants to be shed."
"As I said, I´ll demand justice. And as a God, his obligation is to bring justice for all of us."
"It´s too risky, Lightning." Finally, Noctis speaks, trying to get inside her head. "We´ve been there, he´s always surrounded by his croons. There´s no way you´ll get past his gates. They´ll rip you apart and torture you to death. Sephiroth the first one on the line to get a taste of you."
Lightning finally breaks eye contact with the Warrior of Light and directs her icy stare at the dark-haired man. In spite of Noctis´s words, speaking the warning that would make anyone pale, her determination lingers, not a single trace of hesitation on her voice.
"I´ve always despised royalty, in my experience, they always feel better than the rest of us, when they´re actually more contemptuous than the worst thief. But I respect you, Noctis because you´re true to your words and to your beliefs. It´s out of that respect why I won´t answer you as I should, and instead, I invite you to follow me. Let me show you what Spiritus will do to me. And what I will do to Sephiroth."
Noctis hesitates at her words, not knowing whether feeling offended or elated and instead, he recognizes the fluttering in his stomach produced by her proximity and the power of her stance. He might be a king, but she´s evidently way beyond that. Warrior of Light takes advantage of his indecision and gives a step forward.
"Your life is of uttermost importance in the battle to come, Lightning. I will not allow you to throw it away in such a silly way."
Her eyes become hardened steel: "You don´t have that power over me."
"Yes, I have it, and I am ordering you not to go."
But Lightning´s countenance doesn´t change, even after the command.
"If you order me, it means you truly don´t know me. As I said, you don´t have that power over me."
Warrior of Light gives a step towards her, his voice commanding. "I´m the leader, designated by the Goddess Materia. If you´re so adamant in throwing your life away, fine, I won´t stop you, but I won´t let you take anyone else with you. They´re my responsibility."
Lightning smirks at him, the only reaction to his daring.
"Fine. Do what you have to do to protect the rest. But understand that I don´t need your permission, so stop acting as if I were waiting for it."
"Lightning…" the Warrior of Light almost touches her arm, but with a swift motion, she entraps his wrist, preventing the touch.
"I would recommend you not to touch me at this moment. I really won´t tolerate it."
Warrior of Light sighs at her stubbornness. Here is the woman in whom he had deposited his trust. Was she worthy of it?
"I´m not your enemy, Lightning. I´m simply doing what I think it´s best for all of us."
Her eyes fixed on the man´s blue orbs, she lets go of his wrist while speaking softly. "I know, and believe me I understand. But I can´t simply let this go. Now, if you gentlemen and ladies would allow me." Without letting him say any more, she turns around, finishing their conversation harshly. Lightning walks away from the group, not even looking back to see if someone would follow her.
Warrior of Light keeps his eyes fixed on her, while there´s a movement to his side. He knows too well who´s moving, before Kain´s form appears in his line of vision. He knew from the beginning the man would never leave that woman alone, even if she were to walk towards the gates of Hell itself. Which, in reality, she is.
Squall gives a few steps towards their direction, but Rinoa and Cloud take each arm, preventing him from walking further. His eyes bore into blue ones of the ex-Soldier, but the latter is not deterred.
"You should let them go. It would be wise to leave them alone; after all, that was our objective, remember? Plus, they need some time on their own."
Squall sighs. "Yes, we had promised we´d help Lightning get together with Kain once more."
"Then, what has changed?"
The brunet looks straight into the mako-stained irises. "I´ve realized too late Kain is not the one she needs right now, he´ll only confuse her and hurt her further."
"And you are what she needs?"
Squall´s cheeks turn red at the implications, and Rinoa´s eyes open up wide, only to lower them to the floor, ashamed at finding out in such a way.
"You would never understand, Cloud. She needs me, and I promised I´d be there for her whenever that happens." He snaps his arm away, liberating it from Cloud´s tight grip, but when he turns to see his other arm and sees Rinoa in her sad state, he hesitates. After a moment in which neither of them speaks, he takes her hands softly, and firmly but tenderly, makes her let go of his arm, and then turns around to keep walking.
"Squall." Warrior of Light gives a step towards him, warningly. "Don´t do this to your comrades. To the Goddess."
But the cadet smirks. "Well, if you put it like that, I would actually be obeying her, right? She ordered us to fight Spiritus´s warriors. So that´s what we´ll do." He huffs and turns around, following the couple´s path.
Rinoa is on the verge of tears, but the moment Tifa puts her hand upon her shoulder to give her comfort, the smaller brunette runs towards the man and takes his hand in hers, startling him.
"Rinoa!"
"I´m not letting you go alone!" She screams at him and then forces a smile on her lips. One that doesn´t reach her eyes. "If you are so adamant on protecting Lightning, then I´ll protect you."
"Rinoa, I really don´t think…"
"Then we´ll protect her both!" she screams at the top of her lungs, her eyes filling with unshed tears. The scream silences the brunet, and she looks him in the eye, a forced smile on her lips, while watery tears fight to convey determination. "Don´t worry, you won´t have to do this alone. We´ll both protect her."
Squall sighs and then nods, giving her a small smile, and they walk hand to hand to reach the other couple, the cadet's eyes closing into slits when he sees Kain´s hand touching Lightning´s lower back, as the Dragoon reaches her side and talks to her ear, and though Lightning recoils a tad at his close proximity, her reaction is definitely less aggressive than with Warrior of Light´s attempt at touching her, and this knowledge clenches Squall´s heart for an unknown reason that makes him groan. He should be happy, right? He should feel elated to see them together once again, even in between this turmoil of events. Wasn´t that what he wanted, in the first place? What he had revealed to Cloud, the real reason for his intromission in Lightning´s choice of men?
With Rinoa´s warm hand entrapping his, the cadet feels his chest clenching at his confusing feelings for the woman in front of him.
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A/N: Before anyone goes flaming that a woman wouldn´t react that way to rape, even if it was a fictional character, let me clarify two things:
One: there´s no "proper way" for a woman to react to such trauma, each one deals with it in her own, special way. It´s the mind who´s trying to heal, so each way counts as correct.
To be honest with you, it took me several weeks to truly decided the way Lightning would react to such action, what would a woman like her would do? I wanted her to be as close to reality as possible, trying to emulate the way I think she would react, so I made some research over rape victims, and found that each woman behave in their own, unique way, but what they all have in common, is the repetitive recalling of the attack in their minds, which makes them feel even more lost. But what about the outside? How a woman like Lightning would behave?
Two: Lightning is a very proud woman, and I´ve seen, firsthand, what a proud woman does whenever she´s about to fall down, crushed into pieces, in front of her peers: she stands up straighter, raises her chin and walks as if nothing was happening to her. You only learn about their suffering, their struggle, through other people. I swear, I´ve seen them, I´ve seen a strong woman walking all happy and proud and strong, making you think there was nothing going on, only to find out, years later, that her whole world was actually falling apart at that particular time in her life.
It really impressed me.
That said, a strong woman as Lightning would never let anyone see her falling apart, only her closest ones. Which means, Kain and the rest have to be grateful they could see her as such, and would really have to fight harder into her core to see that side of her once more.
The rest of the world, don´t deserve to get even a glimpse.
Thank you so much for your comments! They really get me going!