Chapter 13:
Pausing the video, Yuna just took a deep breath as she leaned her head backwards. She wasn't sure what was wrong with her but she knew that there had to be something. "Is it wrong that I now want everyone to earn their genital rights? I feel like that would solve so many problems."
"You aren't the only one. Frankly what is shocking me more even though I intended to do it is just how desensitised to this I'm becoming. I just know every time I watch this there is going to be something worse." Rosa said in a soft tone as she rubbed her eyes. "On a different note, at least Lightning doesn't seem like she has slid backwards any."
"She thinks she has a little because of how she has been talking to it a bit more needing some reassurance. Mostly involving Celes and if she would call her by her birth name, which frankly given everything, I don't really mind it all that much. That is a tiny tiny thing. I just hope that from here on that we only ever need to deal with those easy problems with her. I might actually be able to get some sleep properly and I would love not to be repulsed by my husband." Yuna said as he started to rub her eyes.
"I agree... and Cecil at least has some frame of reference. And that alone is enough to screw with me because he also hasn't been in an overly fond mood. Just if the remainder of her problems is fear of someone calling her by a name... I'd be extremely happy. But sadly there is still a lot we need to unpack with her. Like a lot we need to unpack. I mean... there is so much internal history we need to deal with... I mean she spent years with her family... hell we don't even know everything that can trigger a PTSD episode. Just Kramer and when someone touches her when she isn't aware of it coming. The main exception to the latter is Vanille." Rosa said in a soft tone as she started to rub her own eyes.
Frankly as far as Rosa was concerned the main issue wasn't even the footage they had been watching, but how casual the topic was to Lightning. Since her first partial viewing of some scenes she still found it unhealthy that Lightning was as put together as she seemed.
"Right, we both need some rest... let's just go home and take some time to relax." Yuna said standing up as she could see the lights flashing causing her to just sigh as she looked towards Rosa who groaned and started to rub her eyes.
"Go Yuna. Chances are it is Vanille missing the head count because she fell asleep and Lightning couldn't wake her up again." Rosa said as she sighed gently standing up as she picked up the desk phone. "One of us deserves a decent night's sleep."
"Are you sure? If either of us needs a decent night's rest it is you... I mean I only watch the video when we are together but you do it almost masochistically." Yuna said as Rosa held a hand up to stop her.
"I'll be fine Yuna. At least my husband understands what I need."
"Tidus understands what I need. He is just like a big dog unfortunately and just doesn't get the concept that sometimes I'd rather be alone processing this and it is far from the range a hug can heal." Yuna said walking towards the door. "But he still knows that talking is what I need, just that I can't talk about what I'd like to." Yuna said in a soft tone as she started to walk towards the door.
"Sazh, who is it?"
"Vanille."
"Check Lightning's room. She wouldn't do her old traditional breaking out. Not unless Lightning is missing as well. If that is the case we will have a lot bigger issues. If she is there, bring them both up." Rosa continued as she just hung up the phone as she just sighed gently. "Gods I hope that she is there because I've no idea what could have set her off if she did try to run."
Grumbling as she tried to roll over Vanille let out a scream of shock as she hit the ground from the corner she had fallen asleep in. Staring at the ceiling Vanille just groaned. "Oh poopy... I'm in big trouble... like big big trouble." Vanille said as she started to look around. "At least I'm not going to drag Lightning down again... and it is going to be actually a good one this time..." Vanille mumbled as she walked towards the doors to the library.
Bounding down the last few steps, Vanille just sighed as she could see the security lights being on. "That is a bigger poopy moment..." Vanille thought as she gave the doors a sharp tug as she just frowned. "Biggest poopy. And they aren't going to think of looking for me here..."
Vanille started to curse her luck as she quickly walked over towards the librarian desk where she smiled as she saw the card she was looking for. "Remember what Yuna said when you became a trustee. If you are in trouble and the orderlies in the room are already busy dial the second number. If you are in trouble mentally... dial the first." Vanille said as she picked up the phone and started to hum as she strained her eyes as she started to hit the buttons that she just started to hope was right.
"So you've got no idea where Vanille is?" Rosa asked as she started to pace the small area behind her desk.
"No, she was late for our normal reading time and I assumed she was in trouble with you and Yuna for the constant asking for the joint room." Lightning said as Rosa could see her phone ringing once again. Picking it up she just hoped that it was Sazh saying that they found her,
"Give me some good news." Rosa said as she could hear a small meep. "Vanille? Where are you?"
"Okay I promise to explain. Just can you come and unlock the library?" Vanille asked softly as Rosa just let out a relieved sigh.
"Yeah I'll send Sazh to bring you up here. But I expect an explanation Vanille." Rosa stated softly as she took a deep breath once she heard the okay from Vanille she pressed the receiver and quickly dialled Sazh's extension. "Sazh, I need you to go let Vanille out of the library and bring her up to me so she can explain this."
"The library? The girl who can't read and has a long long list of attempted break outs... is in the room furthest from any exit filled with books..."
"Vanille can read..." Lightning spat softly as Rosa held a finger up to her to just silence her for a moment just so she could get done talking to Sazh.
"She called me Sazh. Not to mention if she was trying to break out that would be the worst place to send orderlies to. It is literally right next to her constant way out of the building. So just go and get her and bring her up to me."
Not waiting for any sort of retaliation from Sazh, Rosa quickly hung up the phone as she looked at Lightning who had a look of annoyance strewn on her features. It wasn't even a mystery as to why it was on Lightning's face to her. "You need to take a deep breath Lightning. Sazh doesn't mean anything by it. He is just largely exhausted right now and most of Vanille breaking out is an autopilot thing."
"She wouldn't break out and leave me..." Lightning muttered as Rosa just sighed gently as she looked towards Lightning as she gently took her hand. "She has promised time and time again that she wouldn't..."
"I know Lightning. I didn't think she did actually run provided you were still here. I just had to know where she is for her safety." Rosa said softly as she could see the teen just taking a deep breath.
"She wouldn't have left me... be it the mortal coil or building much to everyone's chagrin. My own included because she keeps putting what she perceives as my own happiness above her own health."
"That is a lie Lightning." Rosa said as she separated from Lightning and started to walk around her desk and getting comfortable in her seat. "She does make you happy and we both know that. You forget how much time we spend together and how much it is my job to read between the lines of what you say and what you mean. And while I admit that you are a paradox in that you aren't as complicated as every other patient, but you are still the most complicated person I've ever had the actual pleasure to deal with."
'You aren't even that complicated... and both of your shrinks know that.'
"Shut up." Lightning hissed softly as she could just see Rosa smiling faintly at the comment as if the gesture was clearly not meant for her. It was something that was fairly simple but it did just give her that much more confidence in her assessment if the voice was giving Lightning the same sort of attitude about the topic. It always gave her a good feeling if just because it had constantly meant that even a part of Lightning understands. It was something that was so simple but it just made her that much happier.
The silence the duo fell into was broken by the door flying open. "I'm telling you Sazh, I wasn't trying to break out. I was looking for the meaning of a word and just looking at the wall of words made me sleepy and I fell asleep in that small hidey hole that everyone knows about but forgets to check late at night." Vanille complained he started to walk up to Rosa's desk. "As I explained to Sazh, I was busy looking for the meaning of a word and Lightning was busy writing a letter to someone and even if she doesn't let it on, I just know that it would be an annoyance and I fell asleep instead of figuring out what the word 'voyage' means..." Vanille began as she crossed her arms in protest against what she saw as a blatant assassination of her own character. Especially with how much she has changed since she had met Lightning.
Sighing gently, Rosa waved Sazh off as she took a deep breath. "It means a journey. And that doesn't change the fact that you were still outside your room after head count. You are a trustee Vanille."
"And you had me worried that you had left me." Lightning interrupted alerting Vanille all of a sudden to the fact that she was there. Lightning wasn't even aware why she had said something like that. She knew, at least on the superficial level that Vanille really wouldn't. But just the sight of Vanille spinning around and quickly diving to hug her just seemed to reassure her.
The comfort that brought was a marvel to Lightning if just because this still was a mystery to her. She was even tempted to ask for the Voice's input when Vanille spoke softly to her.
"I'd never leave you, you big smart dummy. But I'm sorry for making you worry like that. I just really wanted to try it myself and I remembered the book you told me about that I thought was a story book..." Vanille said as Lightning just gently returned the hug. She was actually really enjoying this moment even if it would be undercut soon enough by Rosa giving out and punishing Vanille.
"Vanille. Back on topic here. You do understand that I do need to punish you right?" Rosa said as she could see the red haired teen reluctantly separate from her girlfriend to just stare at her feet in front of the doctor.
"I'm sorry Rosa. Again, I didn't mean to fall asleep... it just kind of happened you know I wouldn't leave Lightning..."
"I do, and I'm happy that you called me. No deserts for a week." Rosa said as she looked at Vanille breathing a sigh of relief.
'Why did I say that to Vanille?' Lightning spat mentally as she could see Vanille just walking up to her to hug her once again as Lightning just returned the hug.
'Because it is something you fear. I'd actually say it is more of a fear for you than trains, and about as much of a fear for you as turning into your father. You don't fear being alone, but you fear being alone because Vanille left you. Your sister and mother both have left you in the past, so this is the first time that it would actually bring a real sense of pain to it. Besides just that hollow feeling you are used to during the purge... the abandonment.'
"Shut up..." Lightning hissed as she started to pull her legs up to her chest as she pushed Vanille away. A gesture that was simple enough for Vanille to understand that she shouldn't actually get as close to Lightning as she wanted to. She knew that this was drifting dangerously close to when Lightning does break down and if she harmed her Vanille didn't want to imagine what Lightning would do then.
"Vanille, can you please go outside and follow Sazh back to your room?" Rosa demanded in the thinly veiled question. Seeing the desire to stay being ever present in Vanille's eyes, but Rosa had to stop this now. "Vanille, you know I've never intentionally misled you. I recognise the signs as well and I know Lightning doesn't enjoy talking about herself when there is another person in the room." Rosa explained as Lightning just took a panicked breath as Vanille just bit her bottom lip.
She knew that was a very true sentiment. She had known Lightning well enough to know that that was the case and knew Rosa even longer and knew that at least since she knew Lightning that she really didn't mean to mislead her.
"I trust you..." Vanille said as she turned towards Lightning. "Just... can I wait outside? I don't feel like I could go to sleep if she harms herself and I was the cause. It might actually result in burning down the road..." Vanille continued as Rosa just sighed a defeated sigh.
It was something that Vanille had learned since her and Lightning had really gotten to know each other. Just saying the truth with the doctors tended to get people fairly far. Especially if it is something involving then they were even in the building needing to be cared for to begin with.
"You have until eleven Vanille. If Lightning isn't out by then, you are going to need to go to your room regardless." Rosa said as Vanille just nodded her head as she walked out of the room with Rosa closely following her for what she knew was just to let Sazh know.
'You know it is true Lightning and that is what scares you. It attacks your idea that you are an island. That you are a rock. But you really aren't. No human is. You just like to say you are because it is an attitude I'll be the first to admit I fostered for too long because it was needed for us to survive... but everyone who has the power to wrong us is dead. You can appear weak to some people, Lightning.'
Closing her eyes, Lightning just took a deep breath. "Shut. Up." Lightning spat as she jumped slightly from the feeling of someone touching her. Biting back the instinct to snap at whoever it was just in case it was Vanille. She didn't want to imagine what it would be like on the off chance that the voice was right about this one factor,
Lightning just cracked an eye open and breathed a sigh of relief that at least it wasn't Vanille. But she still couldn't lash out at Rosa. At least because she knew Vanille wasn't going to be that far. She never was it seemed.
"What did the voice say that set you off like that Lightning?" Rosa asked as Lightning could feel her throat going parched at the comment. She had no idea why. She had explained some of these comments for a long long time but for some reason this was going to be a hard thing. "You know Vanille wouldn't leave. You said that much yourself." Rosa said as she brought her hand back for fear that this would be the one time she experienced Lightning's anger first hand.
'Voice it Light. If I'm wrong, they'll take great joys pointing it out... but I think you know the truth is that I'm right. Like so often when it comes to us. I will happily welcome the day where I do turn out to be wrong because that means you've almost entirely healed and no longer need me.'
"Shut up and I will." Lightning hissed before she took a deep breath. She just knew that she would need to and questioned if she had any sort of choice in the matter. She knew on the surface she didn't want to but she also knew from looking back on past experiences that the voice would often manipulate her into talking about things she didn't want to. Almost all of which Lightning looks back on almost fondly.
'The floor is yours...'
"It was saying how I said it because deep down I do actually fear it. I only know Vanille wouldn't leave me on the surface but deep down I fear being alone more than anything. And it is wrong. I'm used to being alone... people have always left me... and it is wrong. It has to be wrong..."
"Humans aren't an Island Lightning. We are social creatures. But why does that scare you?"
"I don't want to talk about this... I just want to go back to my room..."
"Okay Lightning. You know you can... just give it some thought... please."
Author's Note:
and another chapter down... fun.