Chapter 14:
Falling down into the sand Lightning had just wanted to let out that one long guttural scream at knowing that she had screwed things up with Rosa. Everything out of nowhere seemed like it was falling apart, but she didn't. She had no idea why she didn't.
"It is because you fear me." The voice said causing Lightning to quickly sit up and stare at her. "Well you don't fear me like you feared your Father when you were much younger. You don't even fear me as a concept. You understand now at least that I was necessary for your survival. You fear that I'm right." The voice continued as she plopped down carefully.
"What are you talking about!?" Lightning yelled letting the anger at herself fly free just because she knew from the constant mantra of the voice that she was as much a part of Lightning as this world Lightning had constructed to confront it.
"You actually fear that Vanille might one day might abandon you. It is a normal fear Lightning." The voice started as she just took a deep almost pained breath. "It means you are in a healthy relationship... at least as long as you don't act on those fears. But you'd need to push her very far for that fear to be well founded Light. We both know that she'd more than likely kill herself because she can't harm people even emotionally."
"Shut up! I'd never harm Vanille intentionally and she knows that! She'd also never abandon me!" Lightning screamed as she scrambled up to her feet as the Voice just took another pained breath.
"She without a doubt in your mind shares the same fear. You both just don't want to talk about it. 'Be ignorant of the knowledge' after all. However it is easy to resolve this fear and leave it to just a niggling at the back part of your mind. Talk to her. Lashing out at yourself like you are...isn't going to help you any. It is going to make your stay here infinitely longer. Ask the shrinks about the anger turned inward theory."
"None of this is making sense!"
"It does and you know it does. But you should be waking up soon. Otherwise you will lose that last hoodie you have until tomorrow. Vanille is crafty enough to know you won't harm her and if she wants the last hoodie she will take it."
"Serah, am I forgetting anything?" Mary asked into the intercom as she came to a stop at the table in her closet knowing that she'd be visiting Lightning for two days. "Palom, Porom... anything?" Mary asked as she could hear two sets of footsteps walking towards the outer door to the room before a soft knocking.
Gliding over towards the door, Mary opened it and just smiled at the sight of the teenage boy holding a box out. "Her extra hoodies. Thank you Palom. Can you just carry it over to the table." Mary asked as the boy just nodded simply as he began to lug it the rest of the way into the room. "How are your studies going?" Mary asked as she could see him just sighing a little.
"He got in trouble... we were here one day and he got in trouble. Just because I was talking to a boy he got into a fight." Mary heard from behind her as she just smiled softly.
"What happened to you letting me tell her!?" Palom yelled as Mary spun around to watch the twins getting ready to fight just causing Mary to smile at what she missed out with Lightning and Serah. She had wanted to revel in this moment as she knew they would never actually harm each other but she also knew that she couldn't let it get too far.
"Can both of you not fight? I've twenty minutes before I need to go do more soul crushing work. Oh and you'd forget these." Serah said as she produced a wrapped plate with several pieces of the treat Mary was bringing with her missing.
Staring at her Mary just lowered the plate down. "What? I was being good... the twins and I had to make sure they were good enough for Claire. Plus you never make us any." Serah demanded as Mary just sighed.
"I made you some last night. You know your sister has issues with her blood sugar. And you know she'd scream at you for calling her that."
"I've worked twenty hours seven days a week Mom. I barely remember what day it is. And if I wasn't expected to meet the city council of Mysidia today I'd probably wouldn't remember what day it was at all short of... crap... he said his name to me like a thousand times and it always slips my mind when it wouldn't have before I took over for Father..."
"Balthier. He is a very nice man. And very charming. I want a boyfriend to be just like that." Porom said as Serah shook her head. "What?"
"You do not. Trust me. I know about overbearing siblings... plus he doesn't seem like he is entirely honest... or that he wouldn't cheat." Serah said as she crossed her arms before she just sighed. "Anyways, I wouldn't know what day it was if it wasn't for Balthier helping me out. Just don't tell Claire how long I've been working. She would get furious and not realise I'm doing it so I can get a full weekend talking with her and just being down there with her away from this hellscape." Serah said just sighing as Mary smiled faintly. "Now Palom, Porom, you've tutors in an hour until one in the afternoon. And while you both know Latin and English, I know from talking to the Abbot that you both aren't very good at writing in Latin and need help in just about every non language subject so we are going to get that started today. Okay?"
"Fine."
Seeing the slightly dejected expression overtake their features as they walked out of the room, Serah just sighed lightly as she turned towards her mother. "Why does everyone act like I am being hard... They didn't have Father breathing down their neck. I just want them to have the best life they can when they turn eighteen." Serah complained as Mary simply shook her head as she wrapped her in a hug. "Bad enough I have Claire claiming I'm becoming just like him... I'm not, am I mom?"
Feeling herself start slightly, Mary just took a deep breath before she spoke. It wasn't even a question she knew she could dodge like the many others that Serah would ask that Mary didn't know how to answer without twisting Serah's world view further. Something that she had always tried to avoid when she could.
"You are far from like your father Serah." Mary said as she rubbed her youngest's back. "He was a ruthless man that wouldn't let anything get in his way. Not to mention the only care he had for your sister was how he could make her suffer after The Purge to drive her to suicide. It was something he frequently would tell me and threatened my life if I ever told you." Mary said as she separated slightly to just happily stare at Serah. "You and Claire are far far from like your father. Even if you both might do things that actually make me think otherwise, but you both always do what you think is right and not what you want for the joy of causing misery." Mary said as Serah just smiled up at her.
"Why would you marry him? The more I learn about him the more I don't think anyone should have loved him." Serah whispered softly as Mary just smiled and held her tighter.
"You can never tell a Farron 'No'... it has a lot of meanings depending on who the head is. And your grandfather was far worse to people when they told him that simple, one syllable word. I saw the destruction he would sew across a much larger kingdom than my own when they refused him a glass of water when he was staying in the capital looking at an investment as he called it." Mary spoke as she just sighed gently.
"The more I learn about my family the more I want to destroy it but I can't. Not for a lack of trying I might add. But just because it is impossible without destroying the world it seems." Serah muttered happily as Mary just smiled faintly at her. "But seriously Mom... don't tell Claire... I don't want her to worry... and don't mention the twins moving into the mansion or my sponsoring of their education. I promised them they could tell her. And have been looking forward to it. Hell if they weren't meant to hit the ground running I'd even offer to send them down with you..."
"I know Serah. But you should get something to eat. Especially if you are going to be dealing with meetings in person. I'll be quick with the last few things and I'll get the driver to see me off at the train and I have transport already established for when I arrive. Just don't work them too hard. They know that they'll need to strive far as to not squander your gift, but pressure achieves nothing you'd want."
"I know... just safe trip Mom and call me every night. Otherwise I will worry."
"I promise you I will. And I promise that Claire won't know anything about your work hours or of Palom and Porom."
Resting her head against the wall, Lightning just took a deep breath as she closed her eyes hearing the door open followed by some gentle skipping inwards. She didn't even need to open her eyes to know that it could only be one person.
No one else would even think about just walking into her room without at least knocking. And it was probably the one person that Lightning didn't really want to see right now. If just because it was causing so much turmoil that she hadn't felt in a long time. At least directed towards her.
"You alright Lightning? I'm not used to seeing you not working out in the morning." Vanille asked as she walked over towards Lightning's bed as she sat down just looking at Lightning gently banging her head against the wall. A gesture that caused that Vanille to panic a little if just because she knew how far Lightning could go. The only solace she knew was that the chances are the brick wall would break before her skull did. "And... can you please give me a sign if you are going to do self harm?"
"I'm not going to do self harm. I'm just trying to think." Lightning said calmly as her head came to a stop after what Vanille had to admit was a really strong hit. Just the gesture had caused Vanille's stomach to lurch forward as she just heard a sigh coming from the woman. "I'm not prone to self harm. I'm just trying to knock some stuff free in my head and sometimes it works when it is physical with me."
"Yeah and for me it is giving me nasty flashbacks to you nearly breaking your skull..." Vanille said softly as Lightning just sighed as she opened her eyes to just stare at Vanille. "Seriously. I know to you that isn't that bad... and I trust that you wouldn't intentionally self harm. At least not in front of me... but I can't stress how much stress and pain that put me under."
"It's fine Vanille. I meant what I said. Sometimes a gentle banging my head against the wall helps me think. If I was actually trying a repeat, I'd do it against the windows. They are made of the same type of glass. Probably the same thickness. Just it would also get me a room change and would cause you and my family a lot of stress that I don't want to deal with."
"Can you just not brush my concerns off Light. When it comes to you doing something to your body I can never tell where the line is. If it was me... or just about any one in the building I know you don't mean to harm them unless they back you into a metaphorical corner with ill intent." Vanille said standing up to just stare at her girlfriend. "But when it comes to you... that line is a skipping rope. And it makes me feel awful every time I need to ask Yuna if I can be allowed into the medical wing to see you because you just wouldn't talk to me about something that is clearly bothering you." Vanille said in a slightly raised voice as she could see Lightning standing up but she knew that she couldn't back down from this, if just because she knew Lightning tended to cave a lot sooner in this regard. She always did.
Gently taking one of Vanille's hands, Lightning pulled Vanille a bit closer. "I'm not trying to harm myself Vanille. And the reason I'm not talking about it with you is because it involves the Voice and while I know you hate it when I don't talk to you about what the voice is saying right away, you know I almost always do eventually." Lightning said as Vanille just sighed staring into the deep oceans that were Lightning's eyes. "I promise you Vanille. If I ever intend to self harm I won't attempt to break my head open like an egg."
Smacking her shoulder, Vanille just glared harshly. "Don't even make jokes about that. I know it doesn't compare to what you've seen... but to me that is extremely traumatic. And I'm a woman who tried to set herself on fire and used to frequently give herself first to second degree burns. Like all the time. But seeing someone actually trying to hurt themselves like that."
"It is going to be fine Vanille. I'm not joking. I wouldn't do that. Breaking a bone or two sure but I won't damage my head."
"I don't like you brushing me and my concerns off so casually Lightning. No one knows where your line is not even you. Something you've said to me repeatedly. One day you said you wouldn't break your hands and a few days later I caught you beating the walls in here because you stood up quickly and knocked me on my bum." Vanille stated as Lightning just sighed.
"I'd rather not fight Vanille. You are right, I don't know where my line is. The doctors don't know which is why they've taken to putting me in solitary when they know I've accidentally harmed someone. But that right there. That wasn't me trying to self harm. I haven't done anything in the last week to cause me to want to in any way, I know you worry about my health as do a lot of people. But if death hasn't taken me yet I don't think he will until I'm old, senile and have a legion of dogs to carry my body into the after life." Lightning said with a smile just so she could impart some of the confidence in her statement towards Vanille.
"I'm never not going to worry about you Light. Everything you do is so calculated when there is, even the chances that there will be a person within ear shot unless that person is me. And you've no regard for your body. So sorry for assuming that out of the many times I've walked in on you something seemingly natural you've been harming yourself that this time was any different. I can read people surprisingly well... except you." Vanille said softly as Lightning just gently pulled Vanille into a hug.
"Nobody, myself included wants me to harm my head. But I'm not brushing your concerns off because they aren't unfounded... they are very much founded. I'm brushing your concerns off because I know that time I wasn't trying to hurt myself. So I'm just worried that my girlfriend doesn't trust me."
"We are in a loony bin Light. Hell you don't even like being called by your birth name... which I maintain is still a very pretty name."
"You know my life hasn't been easy Vanille. I don't think it ever has. Despite what it might seem like to just about everyone. And that name has a lot of negative history to it. And I mean outside of my Father. But this isn't going to be a pleasant conversation either. Instead let's just go get some food for breakfast. It is your favourite day where you don't need to fight for seconds." Lightning said as Vanille just smiled. Lightning just felt relieved slightly at the feeling of Vanille hugging her tightly.
Returning the embrace, Lightning just smiled gently as Vanille just seemed to relax at the simple gesture that Lightning was well aware that Vanille was often smug just because she was the only one in the building that Lightning doesn't have any sort of limit on hugging. "I'd rather if you didn't hurt yourself Light. But please if you do... just tell me if you are going to... or the doctors... someone. Please."
"I will Van. You know I don't like making you worried over anything involving me. Including when I know you worry if I don't eat enough... which lets face it now that I brought that up, it is going to make you worried about that now. Because I only had two servings last night." Lightning said as Vanille pulled back to stare into her eyes.
"Let's get you fed. You need to stop starving yourself." Vanille scolded as she leaned up to kiss Lightning chastely before she pulled back and started to lead Lightning out of her room. "You aren't an island anymore Light. People are going to worry about you. I'm going to worry about you. And this is one of the tiniest things you can do to not cause that. Just eat your fill." Vanille continued to scold as Lightning just began to weave her fingers into Vanille's just enjoying how the smaller girl started to slow down as they came to the elevators. "I'm sorry I'm seeming like a crazy girlfriend... but I do worry about you Light."
"It's okay. We are in an asylum after all."
'Even she doesn't think you are an island.'
Author's Note:
And done. It was a fun chapter to write.