Chapter 16:

Placing the plastic cup down, Rosa just smiled as she took a seat across from Lightning as she could see the woman just staring at the purple coloured liquid. Just wondering why Rosa had selected that as she took a sip from the straw.

Smacking her lips as she pulled back, Rosa just took a deep breath. "It has been so long since I've had a blueberry and banana smoothie. But that isn't why we are sitting here. What do you want to talk about?" Rosa asked as Lightning just sighed.

She knew that she couldn't really avoid this conversation. No matter how much she wanted to.

She knew that her best option was just to be blunt. It had served her well in the past. Especially when it came to her family and she supposed her mother. "Would you consider my mother to be the victim of abuse at the hands of my father?"

Gasping a little at being clearly taken by surprise even if she didn't know what to expect, Rosa just lowered the smoothie as she took a deep breath. "Short answer, yes, I wouldn't be surprised if she was. Long answer... you need to remember there are a lot of different types of abuse. Including fearing that your husband would have your eldest killed. Your father was money hungry and would happily manipulate people's emotions and financially... both of which are very easy roads to fall down with what I've read and know of your family. So I wouldn't be surprised if she did suffer abuse at the hands of your father. I'd actually be surprised if she wasn't. I mean you've written in your diary several times that you've heard that in your parent's bedroom that your father wasn't very fond of listening to the word 'no' and instead would punch her and still take what he wanted."

'I told you, Light. You know your father was an awful human. But you should know that you'd wrongfully think that you are the only person to suffer because of him.'

"Their suffering is nothing compared to mine." Lightning muttered as Rosa just just gently shook her head.

"You can't compare what is suffering when it comes to people, Lightning. It is an entirely objective measurement. Would I consider what you experienced to be suffering, yes. Would I consider if your mother was a victim of a lot of abuse at the hands of your father suffering, also yes. But, like you, she is developing the tools to mend that suffering. But you can't say that because you were in a worse state that she doesn't deserve to call what she experienced suffering. It is a dreadful part of reality, but it still is the thing." Rosa spoke softly as Lightning just began to take some deep breaths. "What sparked these thoughts if you don't mind me asking?" Rosa asked just wondering about how a normally sound minded person would start to break down over something as simple as a fact that Rosa is aware she understood.

"The voice... it just went on some tirade about how I should give my mother some extra breathing room because she probably repressed a lot. And it was comparing that to what I went through. And that is why she doesn't express herself nearly as much as she should." Lightning hissed as she moved the glass towards Rosa. "Why is everything coming up like this!?" Lightning said as she lowered her head to the table as she just took a deep breath. "It is harping on about me being afraid to be alone... that my mother's distance is from abuse... none of this is making sense to me. I've always been an island." Lightning hissed as she took another deep breath.

"Humans are a very social creature, Lightning. As for your mother... I don't know what to say. That is something that she would need to talk about in her own therapy and with you." Rosa said as she stood up and walked around the table to carefully rest a hand on Lightning's back giving it a gentle rub to soothe her anguish. "As for why all this is coming up... I can only think of one date that is coming up quickly that every year you've gone into a slump." Rosa continued as she could see Lightning tense up slightly from the contact as well as the comment.

The anniversary of when she was taken was coming up. Four days if she remembered right... which she always would about that date. So much pain and suffering were all caused on that one day. She doubted that those memories would ever fade. Despite how much she wanted them to.

"I know you often dislike looking back at that time but every year you've been here without fail you always enter this spiral where you try and push people away. As if you were preparing yourself mentally for being alone again. But you need to remember that we really really don't intend to leave you as long as you need us. And I don't think you could ever get Vanille to leave you. And I mean that in almost all senses of the word. Which is worrisome in many regards but it is something that stems from her own fear of being alone."

"I am an island. I've been alone for so much of my life that it would just be a hindrance if I wasn't."

"Even Islands can have more around them. And it is common enough to have its own word. Which if I was being honest seems a lot more apt in describing you. You can thrive by yourself but in times of need you need to remember you really aren't as alone as you feel. You've got your mother, your sister, your friends and even Vanille. They all would just want to help you when you need it. I know I just want to help you when you need it."

'She is right Light. Everything will be fine. Your mother wouldn't leave you if she could. She is going to be all kinds of annoying in that regard, but as far as annoyances go it isn't nearly the worst that we've seen or even suffered. I mean yeah you once considered Vanille hugging and kissing you to be an annoyance but look at it now. You might enjoy your mother shining all that affection on you.'

"Shut up." Lightning hissed softly as she started to just take some deep breaths as she could feel Rosa just rubbing her back gently. "I'm fine... I think..." Lightning said in a soft tone as she just knew that that was all the touching her was about. If it was anything that was at the very least getting annoying right now and she knew that it probably shouldn't be if just because she knew that it was Rosa trying her best to help her through the confusion she was suffering.

"If you say so Lightning. But you do know that you can always come to me if you need to right?"

"Yeah... it is just... there are a lot of confusing things. And I know I do get stupidly emotional when it comes to the anniversary... but this is also the third year when I've been here and I can still feel it crushing and haunting me. And I don't think It will ever leave me."

"It won't. Our past never truly leaves us Lightning. We either grow up from the ashes that makes up our past or we continue the cycle. And if anything you've proven you won't continue the cycle and are simply just trying to rise from the ashes. And it is painfully clear to Yuna and myself that despite any set back, you can overcome anything. And I mean anything. I can't tell you how many women and men I've met that have suffered beatings or attempted murder or even rape and you've survived all of those fairly unscathed."

The silence that befell the duo was a little nerve racking for Rosa, but she also knew that it was a point she was going to need to stress for Lightning repeatedly. Especially if the last year was anything to go off of.

"Why does everyone say that? I'm beyond broken. Even Vanille thinks so to the point that she doesn't trust me that I wasn't going to self harm and is probably the person with Yuna telling her that much." Lightning muttered as Rosa just sighed slightly happily as she returned to her side of the table. Just happy that this might have played a slight role in her current distressed state. But she also did know that most things revolving around Lightning's emotions would send her into a spiral like that.

"You've to see this from Vanille's stance Lightning. She not only doesn't have anywhere near the same experiences you do, but she also can't tell a lot about you and it scares her because it reminds her of the last time she couldn't figure out people. Not to mention she has seen you self harming which was far far more violent and it isn't something many people have forgotten."

"I did that intentionally though. I know what my father can do when he wants to get revenge for something when he feels slighted against. If I didn't, I wouldn't have been in a position to protect everything, and even cause him to storm off to where he eventually died in potential agony due to him being furious he lost our disagreement with no chance to come out on the other end in a position of power and in fact once Yuna and Serah warned him he knew he couldn't even argue self defence if he undid the bindings because he knew I'd punch him and after he was warned there'd be no argument he could make."

"That doesn't make it better Lightning. If anything it makes it worse. Normal human reactions almost never desire people to harm themselves. It is actually so uncommon that just that one action would get people a stay in a mental hospital. Hell at the very least it would get you a psychiatrist on a near twenty four hour call. There was actual talk between me and Yuna if we should move you to the east building if just for long enough to repair the gaping holes in some of our systems that I didn't even know were a thing until that night." Rosa said as Lightning just sighed as she started to pull her knees up. "But what was going on that you think Vanille doesn't trust you? Because I just know that she trusts you to an extreme degree. To the point that I know Fang often questions her sanity just from the blind trust she has in you is leagues ahead of her."

She knew that the situation wasn't going to be very good, but she also knew that Rosa wasn't going to push so it forced her into a position where she knew that there would be no issues talking about it, but she also knew that it was going to come out eventually.

"I was just hitting my head against my wall lightly trying to think about what we talked about last night and jumped to thinking I was going to redo breaking my head open like an egg." Lightning said as she could see Rosa nodding her head. "And I know chances are she does have slight PTSD from that night as well... but still... she didn't accept that I wasn't going to harm myself and I know she is going to be talking to Yuna because she doesn't trust you that much and knows that Yuna will do pretty much the same thing you are right now with me or at the very least explain that I was right that it is a normal gesture."

"I agree it is a fairly normal gesture, but you do see it from Vanille's perspective right?"

"Yes... but I also have only injured my head once. She shouldn't jump to the assumption that I'd do it again."

"It is pretty much human nature to assume that someone will react the same way as you would, and she has a long history of self harm. Added on top of just seeing someone doing the action once... it is enough to traumatize her into thinking that and would rather be sure that she wouldn't be witnessing it twice."

"She still should have trusted me..."

"Would you have been honest with her if you were going to?"

"Yes..."

'No. Don't lie about this Lightning. The doctor is just trying to help.'

"Shut up..."

Hearing the kettle being turned off once again, Vanille just frowned a little as she could see Yuna pouring it into the pot once again before she returned to facing Vanille. "Okay I might admit that I'm overreacting... but how am I not meant to? I can never get a read on Lightning. I doubt you can as well... and I get to see her so little between everything. Nothing in the old days like us just staring at the sky or playing ping pong. It is always her thinking, her teaching me, or stupid trustee stuff... and you and Rosa keep denying the joint room request."

"We reject those for all kinds of reasons Vanille. None of which are us trying to be malicious..." Yuna said as Vanille's face began to scrunch up as Yuna was about to explain what word she thought was what was tripping Vanille up. "It means cru-."

"I know what it means... I just can't figure out any other reason besides you both not wanting me to be with my girlfriend that you both are against... just like Fang. Who is a big dummy and thinks I only like Lightning because of her money and power." Vanille said as she pulled the pillow up to her chest so she could just take a deep breath.

"First things first, I don't think you are dating Lightning for her money or power. That is so far against your character. But we don't disagree with the relationship as a whole. We disagree with the timing." Yuna said as Vanille's face started to scrunch up further. "There is nothing wrong with a lesbian relationship. There is everything wrong with you both being in any relationship right now because while it can lead to a faster recovery by giving you both solid foundations... if you two were to ever break up that foundation in just about all relationships, that foundation is ripped out and you'll be right back here and we don't want that ever if we can help it."

"What if we never break up?"

"Then power to you both and I really do hope that is the case. But I also need to prepare for the possible outcome that you two do fall out. However, back to the room topic, while I doubt you both would do anything, you both are teenagers that constantly already have emotions and hormones running high. Which can lead to a lot of bad things. Especially with Lightning's tendency to regress randomly and being violent and I doubt you would stay in your own bed. Which no matter what happens to you, I know Lightning will unleash onto herself a thousand fold... it leads us to a bad situation."

Grumbling as she could see Yuna leaning forward to pluck the tea strainer out of the pot. "I hate it when you make sense like that... I just want to spend some time with my girlfriend... but you do make a very valid point about how if she did mini break down I'd be the one in danger and once she came to her senses she'd be a serious danger to herself. And I don't want to need to go to the hospital to visit her." Vanille mumbled as she accepted the cup and took a small sip. "And that is a proper cup of the tea." Vanille said as she leaned back a little.

"Good to know. But you see Vanille, we aren't refusing it because we want to cut your time with Lightning. We are really just looking at the big picture and unfortunately we do know about a lot of Lightning that you don't and we don't even know what can set her off. I mean remember when she broke Porom's arm a woman she largely felt nonplussed by? Imagine what she would do if she did something similar to you a woman she places in the same league as her sister if not in a higher place in her mind?"

"I don't want to think about that... and I know a lot about Lightning's past. She does talk to me about just about everything she talks to you two about... often as she is asking me to give her some of her hoodies back or if I could stop hugging her in front of other people." Vanille mumbled as Yuna just sighed gently, "Like I know she was raped... repeatedly... and literally not figuratively stabbed in the back... and that Kramer is a twin whose twin did awful things to her including greenbacking which I don't know anyone who would do that to horses let alone a human and that is why she is always so skittish around him because she can only see his brother's face..." Vanille said as Yuna just took another deep breath.

"I didn't even know what it was if I was being honest with you until Lightning. But you do understand that all those are some very tragic things and the fact that Lightning does have a history of randomly regressing and becoming violent at points when a sort of miasma sets in."

"It is a horrible practice that we never even got close to doing in Oerba even when the animals were super wild and aggressive. But what am I meant to do when I want to spend more time with Lightning?"

"You've got to talk to her about that Vanille."

"I hate it when you make sense like this... making my paranoia seem like it is just that and there is an easy solution."

"And I hate making you feel that Vanille. You know though you can always come to me though."

"I do."

Author's Note:

And done yet another chapter... kind of fun to write.

And I hate to say this, but I might not have a chapter for January. Work has been in chaos and as I don't do this as a day job this needs to take a back burner. I'm sorry. but there will totally be on in February without a doubt.