To paraphrase a Mr. Marshall Mathers, 'guess who's back, back again. tell a friend'... someone should really make that into a song... but not in the current year... in like 2002...

Chapter 17:

Sitting down, Mary just smiled faintly as she looked towards the doors that she knew in a matter of minutes she would be able to see her eldest soon. She just knew that it was going to be a hard thing for her. It always was after all. It was some of the toughest if most enjoyable conversations she ever has had.

The only issue she could ever see was if Lightning was having a bad series of days. She never knew when that was going to be the case. And after Serah's recent visit she knew that it could be ended if someone just triggered a bad memory of hers.

That thought was almost tragic to her because of how much she enjoyed spending these times. The only upside was that she could wait another day or two to come back and have a conversation with Lightning.

Seeing the door open, Mary let out a small sigh as she could see Lightning walking into the room. Just standing up to welcome the slightly surprising quick hug coming from her. It was a surprise if just because they almost always greeted each other with a simple handshake as the most intimate thing they do until the end.

"I'm sorry... just a lot of things." Lightning muttered apologetically as she felt the hands being placed gingerly on her back. It actually felt a little relaxing to her. Just knowing that it was her mother that was causing it was still a confusing thing but she was just happy that she had it.

"It's okay. I actually enjoy it." Mary said softly as she just enjoyed Lightning hugging her tighter. "I don't think you've hugged me like this since you were a little little girl. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it." Mary said as she gently started to sway as Lightning just took a deep breath. "What has you hurting so much?"

Pulling back a little to just stare at her, Lightning could see her mother just smiling a little at her. "I might not know a lot of what you went through or even what you are currently going through. But I could always tell when you are in pain or just normal discomfort from being in a situation." Mary said with a smile as she could see Lightning just sighing gently as she gestured over to the table.

"It is complicated... but Rosa and Yuna both think it is just my mind taking the normal hit it does around the anniversary and this year is just being particularly brutal because it is the first year ever that I have almost all my memories... and friends that actually care about me and not just me being a Farron." Lightning said as she took a seat as Mary just smiled faintly as she resumed her own seat as she picked up the paper plate filled with all the goodies she knew Lightning was going to enjoy as it was also one of her favourites.

Accepting the treats as she started to undo the wrapping, Lightning just sighed as she continued her point. "And Rosa specifically has mentioned that she thinks the internal contradiction is actually what is causing it to be really bad because I'm so used to people just wanting to be friends with me for the fact that I'm a Farron that I'm shoving the likes of Vanille away and it isn't something I can confide in her because she is in many regards like Serah and pretty innocent when it comes to the world or people. I mean she didn't even know about the Farrons until long after we met."

Gently taking one of the treats, Lightning just sighed softly as she raised it up to nibble it slightly. "And nothing against you... but you didn't really help when I came back... and I do know that it was also partially my fault as well. But... I'm just used to people leaving me. And Father taught me to be an island and all these people now seemingly being concerned about me..."

Gently raising a hand before she caught it mentally. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like that... but you do know that I do love you deeply." Mary said with a soft tone as she could see Lightning looking at her shocked.

"I do... now..." Lightning said softly as she just sighed as she could see her mother looking at her a little saddened. "It isn't that I never thought you didn't love me. I just never felt it in a situation where I remembered it until recently. It always just felt like you did nothing if Father didn't want it and we both know his hatred of me was a very real thing that he didn't hide. If he couldn't advance himself further he'd rather I was still in the basement and just eventually do something to warrant him to be able to have me lobotomized. Which wouldn't have been a very long." Lightning said as she could see Mary just sighing. "And I know that is partially my fault as well. Because I didn't extend myself and I did close in on myself. But all of that is changing and for the better... I even have most of my memories back."

"I don't think he would do that... but I also didn't think that he would have kept those videos." Mary said as she just knew that Lightning was going to be able to read into that but she also knew that there was going to be all kinds of strain on the situation. But she also didn't really know what her late husband would do when it came to Lightning.

"I've no doubt he would. He was a true sadist. But I've only tiny portions still blocked out. But it is parts that every part of my brain doesn't want me to remember. And the more I learn about those times the more I agree..."

"That... um... I'm sorry Claire, I don't know how to respond to that besides just wanting to hug you. But I know I can't just hug you." Mary said softly as she took a deep breath as Lightning just smiled and placed her hands into her mother's.

"Just knowing you are here does a lot for me Mom." Lightning said as she lowered her head gently. "Doesn't make all these confusing thoughts better..." She continued as she could feel her mother just gently rubbing her thumbs over Lightning's scared knuckles.

She was curious as to what her eldest meant but she also didn't want to know for fear that it would be something that she could never unhear. Like she was thinking about getting out ahead of what the doctors suggest. And just the thought of knowing that Serah might take Lightning up on that knowing that if Lightning wanted to do something that Serah hated doing she would happily give it to her and the only way for that to come was if Lightning was out. And if both of her daughters wanted something like that she knew that she would not have it in her to step in their way.

Only solace was that Serah also put Lightning's health well above everything else. Even her own. If just because of the well known not so secret of Lightning disregarding her own health. She still remembered her fourth birthday when they had to rush Lightning to a hospital for appendicitis that she refused to talk about until it had already burst and she had forgone eating for a day and a half. Mary was still happy that her nanny noticed some of the symptoms. Even if it meant that Mary had to prevent going to visit her own daughter in the hospital as to not have to explain to Lightning why she had a black eye and bandages wrapped around her arm to cover up the burns because he demanded they take Lightning to the hospital to get treatment.

"Rosa and the Voice both say it is because I fear being alone but it doesn't give me that same utter feeling that I get when I'm on a train... or in really cramped spaces. And it is just confusing. I'm used to being alone... I thrive off of it and want it most of the time."

"Fear is a very complex feeling Claire. Like all emotions. It doesn't need to be a gut wrenching phobia. I know when it comes to you I have a lot of fears. Mostly if you'll ever be alright. But that has been tinged constantly with worry." Mary said softly as Lightning just sighed softly as she looked up and just smiled faintly at her.

"You shouldn't worry about me Mom. I'm going to get through this. A Farron can never fail right?" Lightning said with a small smile that to Mary she could tell that it was genuine. A sight she had been glad that she could see more and more often the longer and longer Lightning had been there.

It was a simple joy but she was still happy that it was something that was a clear sign to her that the doctors have been doing a great job at returning Lightning to the smiling woman she once dreamed she would become before all her troubles started.

"You're right, but a mother will always worry about their children... especially one with as turbulent of a past as yours... I mean I still have constant fears whenever I hear the phone ring that it might be here and it might be the doctors saying that you seriously harmed someone else or worse... yourself."

"Rosa and Yuna tend to catch me now before I harm myself. And when it is others recently at least it has been orderlies and that prince... speaking of which is Serah still peeved about him? I mean if what I've been told by one of his friends that knew him after and was just temporarily working here... I did know him and just haven't seen him in a long long time."

"She is still very very mad. Mostly because when you are around she no longer has the stresses of her everyday life as the current if temporary head. It was her reward for herself for not snapping under the strain because I'm pretty sure she is the youngest head ever." Mary started as she just smiled faintly at Lightning who was looking lost. "And you did know him. He was a very very close friend of yours. And for a while your father's favourite Prince to wed you off to. If just because he liked the scenery around the capital. Mostly because he wasn't keen on looking for others and was actually debating a war if another kingdom offered their daughter's hand in marriage to you. If just because it reminded him you weren't born a male..." Mary said softly as Lightning froze entirely as she just took a deep breath as she started to pray that her mother didn't notice.

"What would you have said if he accepted one of the princesses?" Lightning asked if just hoping that this would at least help her in some regard.

"I always said that if you were happy I'd be happy. We don't live in the stone age anymore. If you want to continue the line, there are dozens of ways for that to happen. If it was just the name, almost everyone would happily take the name of a Farron. Why ask?" Mary asked as Lightning just sighed gently.

"No reason. Just I feel like we were sitting in my past too long and I know it is an uncomfortable topic for you. I couldn't think of something to change it to."

'Light, you are such a liar... I'll be honest. I didn't peg that to be her response. I imagine it to be a lot more fire and brimstone.'

"Speaking as a former princess though, I wouldn't want you to be married to one. You would run them ragged with worry and how you have little care to what a woman is meant to do in a refreshing way compared to your family. I imagine a farmer would be what you would need in a wife. Someone... a lot like Vanille. Just not Vanille."

"What is wrong with Vanille?" Lightning interjected quickly. Far too quick that she knew it did raise some flags in her mother's mind but she also knew that it wouldn't be enough for her mother to act on them.

"Nothing. At least nothing major. I'm sure she is a wonderful friend." Mary began as Lightning removed her hand from her mother's as she reached under the table to just tense her knuckles as to dig her fingernails into the palms of her hands. She couldn't be as quick to respond otherwise she might drive her mother to the correct solution. "It is just, she might be here who knows how long? And while, and I mean no offence to you or even her... both of you have points where you can be mentally unstable. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. I feel like you'd need someone like Vanille just is also sound mentally." Mary continued as Lightning just sighed gently as she relaxed her hand to take a breather.

"Vanille is far from mentally unstable. Everything she does is calculated. The only time she is close to breaking down is when someone forces her to look at human nature. But she is getting better at that." Lightning said as she freed her other hand to get another baked treat as to not look fishy as to why she removed her hands from her mother's. "By all respects Vanille should be out of here, but breaks just enough rules to be deemed enough to stay here just because she doesn't want to abandon me."

"That's rather foolish of her. You can make more friends."

"Everyone is in agreement up until the whole me being able to make friends. The only ones I have are because Vanille doesn't accept that I don't need many friends or people around. It is a paradox to her."

"In her defence Claire, it is a paradox to me as well. You used to be so good at making friends. But a lot has changed I suppose."

"Being locked in a dog crate and brutally tortured and raped from the age of five tends to make you not keen on touchy feely things. Like being around people or even the cabal of fake friends I had for the longest time." Lightning said with a slight joking tone as she could see her mother just glaring lightly at her as she laughed. "You need to relax Mom. Most people would find it a good thing that I can at least joke about the likes of that now."

"I just don't like being reminded of how bad of a mother I was... I could have stood up to him back then." Mary said as Lightning just shook her head gently as she tossed the last of the treat into her mouth as she reached up and just grabbed her hands in one of her own.

"He would have made you suffer more. We both know Father doesn't care about what others said or did. He wanted me dead and he would go to any lengths to get that. At least any lengths that still allows him to keep his hands clean. He would have just added you to the list and then who would have protected Serah or worse shielded her from what it would have been like without me eventually going to take control or have you to try and reason to her to keep her grounded?"

"I don't want to imagine that. Because I know he could have twisted her world view. And make another version of him." Mary said as Lightning just chuckled and nodded her head. "Let's change the topic. We both are going to get upset over it and I already know when you get out you are probably going to deface his spot in the mausoleum."

Rolling her eyes a little Lightning just smiled faintly as she reached across her body with her free hand to pick up some more food. "I wouldn't deface his spot... maybe just laugh might want to check on me after a few minutes because I will be laughing too hard to not breathe and we both know that it will be well deserved."

"If everybody gave your father what he deserved then the place your family has rested for a millennia would be defaced in a matter of minutes."

Laughing softly at the idea Lightning swung her head backwards as she just took a deep breath. "Yeah that is a genius way to further the Farron fortune. Hell I'm sure Celes would love to take a few cracks at his body. By the way she is teaching music here." Lightning said happily as she could see her mother picking up at the mention of that. "I haven't decided if I wanted to sing again yet... she wants me to... but I'm not sure."

"I would love to hear your voice again doing that one activity but I would also understand it if you said that you didn't want to. Even if you still have never told me as to why you quit in the first place."

"The two reasons aren't the same. I quit the first time because I was getting super depressed I was doing it to try and get Father's love after Serah was born and I knew he enjoyed opera... and once he realised I was good he tried to market it. This time... I just don't think I have it in me." Lightning said softly as she took a deep breath and added under her breath 'to disappoint you.' if just so she can say that she never lied to her mother.

"That is one thing I'm glad you and Serah didn't inherit from him. A thrive to further your family's already obscene wealth. It is just happening accidentally with Serah." Mary said as Lightning just smiled at her.

"That sounds about right. Grandfather always said that for us to get money it is like caring for a duckling. If you actively pursue it with a lustful desire, it will avoid you. But if you don't try to get it, it will come."

'I don't doubt in the slightest your Father trying to fuck a duck.'