Eighteen months and five days. That was how long sweet little Emma had been a part of the Clancy family. She was inside-and-out baby perfection wrapped up in the green giraffe blanket Katie bought her for her first birthday. She looked down at Emma asleep in her carrier and caressed the blonde tresses that wisp across her forehead. She had the most beautiful blonde hair just like Mackenzie.
Emma sighed softly in her sleep, and she couldn't resist picking her up from her playpen in her living room so she can snuggle her littlest sister close to her chest. The toddler stretched her body, arching her little back as Katie lifted her.
"I love it when you do that, it's so precious!" She whispered and inhaled her scent; she still had that new baby smell. Her heart was so full of love for this little ladybug. "Oh, Emmabear..."
A car door shut outside that startled the dog next door to bark, startling Emma. Her body jerked, but her eyes didn't open; she squeezed her eyes shut and jut her little baby lips out in a pout. "Hey, shhhhh…I've got the sweet baby, yes I do," she cooed as she bounced her sister in a futile attempt to comfort her. "It's just a dog, Emma."
Emma was not having it, even with the mention of an adorable animal and there's only one thing that Katie knew would settle her, so she lowered her forehead to hers like her mother would and sang softly.
Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far, but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might, don't you worry hold on tight
Promise you that there will come a day, butterfly fly away
"You look so beautiful holding her, you know," Ned said, his voice suddenly coming from behind her. Katie was startled to see her husband standing just outside the screen door with an expression on his face that she couldn't quite read. "I could hear you singing before I even opened the door, I just had to stop and listen…" His voice trailed off as he pushed open the door and grabbed the box of diapers and diaper bag off the porch on his way in. "Damn," he said, dropping his load, in a heap, in the middle of the foyer. "Who knew such a little girl would need so much stuff."
"I told you it would've been better to take two trips," she rolled her eyes. "Did you get it all?"
"Sorry, babe. I got a little sidetracked," he said with a sheepish smile as he held the door open for her father, who stood taller behind him. He was holding another small box that looked to have books in it and another that had toys. "I think your dad has the rest."
"Yeah, you told me." She waved him off and bounced Emma in her arms. "Ned is such a slacker, yes he is. I don't know what Mommy and Daddy were thinking letting you stay here with us..." Ned stood and walked toward her giving her a playful shove.
"Fun!" Emma squealed, swinging her legs. She was itching to be put down.
"Is that what mommy said? Are we gonna have fun?" She asked, smiling at her and pinching her cheek.
At the word Mommy, Emma's eyes wander, looking around for her. "There are my beautiful girls," Jim whispered, coming in right after Ned. He set down the boxes and picked up the toy phone and gave it to the toddler. "Here Emma."
She turned her attention back to Ned. "Speaking of Mommy… where is mom?"
"Still looking for Emma's rabbit," Jim chuckled. "Your mom insisted that she put the damn thing in the car."
Just then Melinda came into the house holding said the stuffed rabbit in her hand. "Found him!"
"Mom," she said, "I'm sure Em would've survived a few days without him. I think you brought the whole house over for her."
"Maybe, but I've never been away from my sweet little snuggle bug for longer than a few hours or a night, and I want to make sure she has all her favorite things for these few days." Melinda smiled down at her smallest daughter in her eldest's arms. "Besides, you'll be happy to have this guy around if she gets fussy or has a sleepless night."
"Well, I guess we ought to get going before Mack gets stir-crazy in the truck. Mel, you ready?" Her dad regarded her mom pleadingly, but Melinda was having a harder time leaving Emma behind.
Katie couldn't say that she blamed her. She would probably have been the same way with Charlie, if she hadn't lost him.
"She's going to be fine," she reassured her mom the best as she could. "Ned and I are so excited to have her for a whole weekend. I promise I will call you every single day."
She looked over at Ned, who was grinning from ear to ear. She knew he'd never had siblings, and she knew he's just dying to get his hands on Emma, but he's letting her get her time with Emma first.
"Okay, it's not you I'm worried about. It's all in my head." Melinda laughed uneasily. "My sweet girl, Mommy's gonna go." Melinda walked over to take Emma in her arms and smother her with more Mommy-love kisses before giving her back and heading to the front door. Jim followed suit and after a few more tearful hugs from her mom they are out the door.
"So, are you on baby or dinner duty?" Ned asked as he shut the door. "You get the first choice tonight."
"Hmm, well if I choose baby duty, what are you planning for dinner?" She asked.
"I was thinking about making chicken parmesan?" He suggested, winking at her.
"Oh god, yes please." She pleaded, smiling at him. "I call baby duty!"
"Good. That means you get to sort through Mount Emma in the foyer and get her all settled in." He leaned in to steal a kiss. "I'll get dinner started."
"Emma! Do you hear him?" She gasped, holding the eighteen-month-old on her hip. "Being all sneaky…he thinks he's so funny, doesn't he?"
Emma smiled and kicked her feet excitedly. "Bad Ned!" Her hands wiggled and her feet kicked and she scrunched up her nose as if she might actually try to respond to her question.
"Come on, sweet girl, let's get you settled." She winked.
A few hours later Emma was fed and bathed, and now it's Katie's turn. After a fun-filled evening with her sister, she was pretty dirty. Katie was covered in dried up splatterings of pudding from her sister sneezing just as she'd spooned the banana-flavored mixture in her mouth, and there's a trail of drool that had dried on her neck and back.
"Ned, I'm jumping in the shower," she called out from their bedroom doorway before disappearing into the ensuite bathroom.
Her tired muscles talked her into a soak in the tub instead. After dimming the lights, lighting a few candles, and playing some calming music, Katie settled into the warm water. She propped a towel behind her head and closed her eyes. She fell asleep within minutes.
Katie had no idea how much time had gone by, but when she woke the water was tepid, so she knew she'd been in here a while. She was just thinking about maybe shaving her legs when she heard a noise.
Buh-duh
She opened one eye and saw that the bathroom door was ajar. Hadn't she closed that when she came in?
"Ned?" She called out, just in case.
Buh-duh
Buh-duh
Yep, it's the theme from Jaws. "Ned, what are you doing?" She giggled, smiling as she sat up a little
Just then she saw her little sister being dangled in the doorway with what appeared to be a cardboard shark fin tied to her head.
Buh-duh
Buh-duh
Buh-duh
"Ned," she laughed, covering her mouth. "Get that off her head!"
"There's nobody here but us sharks," Ned called back in his singsong voice. "We're here to eat you all up."
"Raaa!" Emma made a cross between a giggle and a growl.
He came rushing into the bathroom with her, serenading Katie with the theme song from Jaws. He lifted Emma and swooped her down over Katie few times and plopped down on the floor next to the tub, setting the little on in his lap. "We thought you might be getting lonely in here." He smiled. "It's been almost an hour."
She knew the look her husband was giving her, and she was reminded of why they tore out the original tub that came with their house and had a garden tub installed instead.
"Oh no!" She waved him off. "You take Emma and go play nicely. I'll be out in just a few minutes."
"Fine," he sighed and stole a kiss before he left. "Say bye Emma."
"Bye-bye," the little girl giggled and waved as he pulled the door closed behind them.
After shaving her legs and putting an organic sugar scrub on, Katie climbed out of the tub, dried off, and changed into the sleeping shorts and a comfy, frilly lingerie tank top she'd brought in with her. Katie was towel drying her hair after brushing her teeth when she caught the sight of her husband in the reflection of the mirror.
Ned's back was to her, and she could only see through the crack of the door, so she turned to get a better look. Katie practically had to bite back her laughter at what she saw. Her husband was holding a broom like it's a makeshift guitar, rocking back and forth singing to Emma as she sat up on the bed. Emma clapped along with him, her laughter filling the room every time Ned's raspy and totally out-of-tune voice paused.
She turned off the bathroom vent fan so she could listen to the two of them. He had to have no idea that she was standing here listening to him sing.
One way or another, I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya
One way or another, I'm gonna win ya
I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya
"Since when is Blondie lullaby material?" She asked, stepping into the bedroom.
Ned was startled and jumped back from the bed. "Shit honey, you scared the hell out of me." He laughed, running his hand through his hair. "I was just trying to get Emma to laugh."
"I'm sorry. You are just so sexy when you sing to my little sister," she said as she walked toward him. She circled her arms around his waist and pulled him close to her. She placed a soft kiss just below his neck and slowly made her way towards his jaw. "I can't wait until we have a family..."
"Does that mean its past Emma's bedtime?" He chuckled, looking over at her.
"Oh, most definitely." She pulled him in for another kiss.
Saturday and Sunday go by in a haze of bottles, dirty diapers and sex. So much, hot and dirty sex.
Katie really didn't know what had gotten into her. She and Ned have a very healthy sex life, but having Emma here and watching Ned interact with her had kicked her libido into something akin to NASCAR Sprint Cup driver in overdrive. She couldn't keep herself from touching him, rubbing against him and feeling him up under his clothes every chance she could get.
Her main goal for the weekend seemed to be keeping her husband in a perpetual state of undress. With a baby in the house, they've had to get a little creative with places and positions. The laundry room, hall closet, and living room have all become favorite places to dart to when Emma nodded off.
She loved every minute they've had together with Emma, and she found herself rushing through all her other normal routines so she could get back to the two of them. She loved their dynamic with a kid in the mix, even if their time alone together would dwindle down.
Luckily their lives would go back to normal when her mother and father would be here in the morning to pick her sister up.
"It's going to be so quiet around here when she goes home," she said to Ned.
He was making airplane noises while dangling a spoon full of soup in front of Emma's face. The toddler did not want to eat the tomato soup at all. He paused, responding, "Yeah, I guess that's the natural way of things," but she knew what he's thinking.
We can have one of our own.
They've had this discussion so many times. Ned always knew that she was scared, so scared to try again after what happened to Charlie. It hasn't been perfect or easy, but they've worked hard and they were happy. Really happy.
"We could do it," she muttered to herself. "Couldn't we?"
"Do what?" Ned's eyes locked onto me. It's almost like he could read her mind sometimes.
"Oh, uhm…I was just thinking about the empty bedroom," she said, recovering from her usual daydream. The one where she tried and pictured what their kids would look like. "Maybe we could do something different in there."
"Okay. We need to clean it out, but that won't take long. We can do whatever you want, whenever you're ready." Ned's suddenly at her side, running his hands up and down her arms. He must've given up trying to feed Emma soup and given her the crackers and cheese bites they'd also readied, just in case. "In the meantime, how about a picnic lunch for us at the park?" She knew this was his way of moving them beyond what it was they were talking about now, and she was grateful. Ned pulled him into his arms. "It'll be a great way to tucker the little lady out, and the weather is perfect."
"That sounds wonderful," she said, melting into her husband's embrace.
Ned was right. The weather was perfect. Blue skies with billowy clouds hide the sun just enough to keep the afternoon temperatures manageable with light jackets. The remnants of the picnic lunch that Ned prepared was spread out over a blanket, and Emma was dozing off in Katie's lap with Ned watching adoringly.
"Your baby is beautiful." Katie was jerked back to reality by the voice of a little girl. She looked to be about five or six, with black hair pulled up in pigtails. Her half-eaten chocolate ice cream cone was melting down over her hands, dripping down her arm.
"Thank you very much," Ned said before she could even think. His eyes darted to her before turning back to address the little girl with a smile. "What's your name? Is your Mommy or Daddy with you?"
"I'm Jamie. I'm six !" The girl held up the five fingers on her hand. She looked at her other hand trying to figure out how to hold up another finger without dropping her cone. She settled for sticking up her pinky finger slowly. "My Mommy and Daddy are over there."
Katie turned to where Jamie's eyes have landed to see a man approaching quickly, his very pregnant wife waddling behind.
"I'm sorry," the man said. "She saw the little girl on the blanket with you and took off like a shot. We're expecting in two weeks, and she's just so infatuated with little kids right now."
"It's fine. We're happy to let her take a look," Ned said, beckoning Jamie over to him. "Look, Jamie. No touching. We don't want the baby covered in chocolate. She's one and a half." The woman who was obviously Jamie's mother has caught up with her husband and pulled out a wet nap. "Hi, I'm Claire, and this is my husband Carter. Clearly, you've met Jamie already."
"Oh yeah," she said. "She's adorable."
"My mommy is having a baby too!" Jamie suddenly exclaimed, and she ran over to her mom for a hug and patted her protruding belly affectionately. Claire doesn't even care that her daughter is smearing chocolate all over her yellow shirt. She just reached for Jamie'shands and wiped at the chocolate grime. The picture of this family tugged at her heart strings, and she found herself fighting back tears.
"Well, come on, Jamie, we need to get going. It was nice to meet you." Carter reached out his hand.
"Ned, Ned Banks," he said, extending his hand to Carter. He turned to her and then to Emma in her lap. "My wife Katie and this is Emma." She smiled and nodded back but didn't offer anything else.
Carter and Claire looked fondly at Emma and paid their obligatory respects to her adorableness. She was still choked up, and watching Jamie continue to rub on her mother's belly had her heart clenching. Eventually, the three left with a wave and they're left alone. She couldn't stop the tears any longer.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Ned's hand found the side of my face, his thumb caressing my cheek. "Honey, what is it?"
"Why?" She stammered. "Why didn't you tell Jamie that Emma wasn't ours?"
"Oh god, Katie, I'm sorry." He was going to say she was overreacting, she could read that clearly in his eyes. "I just figured it was easier than trying to explain to a six-year-old that we were just babysitting while your parents were out of town. But what's really wrong…?"
The sobs she'd been trying to hold burst out of her, and she cradled her sister in her arms before laying her down on the blanket. Emma rolled fitfully onto her side, still asleep. She flung herself into Ned's arms. It's terribly uncomfortable with Emma on the blanket between them but she didn't care. She just needed him close. She just needed to touch as much of him as possible. "I miss Charlie... and everything we missed out on when we lost him." The words tumble out and her sobbing continues. "And you…you've been so perfect with Emma this weekend, with me... and I don't know."
"And that's a bad thing?" He asked with a chuckle, planting a soft kiss on her forehead.
"No. I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me today." She choked back another sob and pulled back. Ned passed him a napkin so she could blow her nose. She was a disaster.
"I think you're just tired, Katie. We've had a really busy weekend." Ned rose and reached for her hand to pull her off the blanket. "I think we need to get you home and fill up the bathtub again. I'll even sing the theme song from Jaws for you if you'll smile for me."
She couldn't help but laugh at the silliness that was her husband. Thirty minutes in their bathtub will make everything right again. She hoped.
Ned ordered her straight to the tub as soon they got home, and she was happy to ease down into the hot bubbly water. He was right. A soak in the bathtub was relaxing her, but it wasn't doing much else to ease her mind.
Visions of herself pregnant flood her brain. She remembered when Mackenzie had laid her head on her stomach, cradling it like Jamie had done to her mother.
What was wrong with her? She couldn't be seriously considering… she wasn't ready to try and have a baby with Ned again was she?
She got out of the tub, wrapping herself in a towel, and rushed through her nightly routine again. She brushed her teeth and reached for her birth control pills. She started to push the pill through the back foil when she realized something was off.
She had extra pills.
Today was Sunday, but she clearly had pills here for Friday and Saturday too. With all the changes in her routine with Emma, she had missed two doses. She closed her eyes and think about what to do… she could take two tonight and two tomorrow. That should be fine.
She was going to do just that and remove two pills from the pink packet. Except she didn't remove the pills. She set the packet down and lowered herself to sit on the side of the tub.
What if she stopped taking her birth control altogether?
They could just see what happens.
A girl with dark hair and Ned's eyes or a boy with blonde hair and her eyes, wouldn't it be perfect? The happiness that welled up inside her at the thought of being pregnant again hit her. She really needed to tell Ned about this.
She looked up at the partially opened door. It's quiet and dark in the house now. She dropped her towel, grabbed the packet of pills and walked over to the doorway to find her husband. The man who came home to me every day— no— who raced home to her. The man whose arms wrapped around her waist every evening, whose lips always found that one place on her neck, whose tongue licked its way into her mouth each night.
For as long as she can remember, the eyes that always lit up when they were playing together as kids, the smile that could warm the cockles of her heart as a young, embittered teen, the ever-present reassurance that he brought to every doubt she ever had about herself… him… them together.
But she wanted more with him, more than just them together. She was already bound to him forever. Till death do they part.
She wanted to give him the one thing they have both wanted since Charlie… another baby.
"Ned," she whispered. She looked over the towel-draped form that she found spread across the bed. His nose was tucked in closely to Emma's slumbering face with his hand splayed across her tiny belly. She watched both of them laying there when Emma suddenly took an alarmingly deep breath and released it in a stutter. Her heart flew to her throat. Ned didn't flinch, doesn't even open his eyes, he just smiled at the sudden disturbance and tucked her in a little closer.
He was going to be an amazing father.
"Ned?" She whispered.
"Hmmm," he grunted back at her.
"Ned, will you look at me?" She stood there completely naked with nothing but the pink pill packet in her hand.
"What is it, hone…" Ned's words vanished into thin air when he saw me. I don't know if it's the look on her face or the sound of her voice, but he knew something important was about to happen and was at her side in an instant.
"I… uh… forgot to take my pill Friday and Saturday." She looked into his eyes but am unsure about what she saw there. Fear? Panic? Hope?
"Oh, Katie, it's alright." Ned's voice softens, and his hands rise to cup her face. "I can go to the drugstore and get the morning after pill if you want me to…"
"No, Ned." She shook her head, laughing at him. She could see how much it hurt him to say that to her. He'd probably had to say it someone before her. He didn't want to have to buy that stupid pill for her. She didn't either. "I don't think you understand." She looked back at the birth control packet in her hands. She studied it for a little while, turning it over in her hand. "I… don't want to take them anymore."
"Katie, what are you saying?" Ned was whispering now.
She paused long enough to consider what she was about to say, to back out if she really wanted to. But she still didn't want to. "Ned, will you have another baby with me?"
"Katie," Ned breathed her name so softly she almost didn't hear him, but then his lips were on hers. The kiss was so soft, so sweet…so gracious. So Ned. The Ned she knew at least.
"Is this a yes?" She asked with a smile.
"Are you sure? You have to be sure." Ned's eyes bore into hers. "Don't do this just because Emma is going home tomorrow. She's your sister. You can see her whenever you want."
"It's not that, Ned. I've wanted this for a while now." She said softly. "It's just been hard to think about it until now."
"How long?" He asked.
"I don't know, maybe it's since Hannah found out she was pregnant…or before. I think I was just too afraid to really think about it. I'm not afraid anymore, Ned." She moved a few steps and ceremoniously dropped the pill packet into the bedside trash can before she turned back to Ned, eyes glittering. "Will you put Emma to bed?"