The day started off better than Ned had imagined and had gone well at work. It was even better when he saw his wife had taken an adventure out of their house and to the police station to see him. It was the first time in a long time that Katie had come in alone, no kids in tow with her. She must've found someone to babysit them, (probably her mom or one of her older siblings) since it was nearly four.
"Hey, you. Fancy seeing you here," Ned grinned, standing up from his desk to meet her with an eager and tongue-invading kiss.
She chuckled against his lips, nodding. "Yeah, thought I'd drop in. I just crossed a ghost over with my mom," she whispered against his chin.
"Sounds like things are getting back to normal," he said, winking at her. "Ghostbusting with Melinda and stopping in to see me?"
"It's been a good day," she smirked, rolling her at him.
"Good. Where are the kids?" He asked. "The ghost didn't take them with him, did he?"
She laughed out loud, kissing his cheek. "No. Ash is at Hannah's having a sleepover with Drew and your mom has Willow at the store. I just dropped my mom back off there, said to tell Delia I'd drop by to get her in a bit." She shrugged, smiling at him. "Do you have a break? I could use a little pick me up after a crying crossover."
"Yeah, I can always get one for you. Josh forever loves us for making him the Godfather of Ash," he laughed, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Let me just go check in with him. You can sit at my desk."
Katie spun around and sat in his chair, crossing her legs as she pulled out her phone. "Where's Scott?"
"Called in sick, but I think I heard your sister in the background." He rolled his eyes. "I guess we should be happy they are figuring out their time together. I remember how hard it was a first when Ash was that age."
"Me too. Mack has been taking nonstop about him and how excited she is for them to get back in the swing of things since Freya isn't sick anymore, so good for them," she sighed tapping away on her phone. She didn't meet his eyes but he could see the hit of sadness creeping in at the talk of her little sister's toddler. "But go talk to Josh and get that break, before something happens and you can't get away before the end of your shift."
It was hardly five minutes since Ned had left before she saw a crowd forming around one of the desks near the front.
"Aw, she is just the cutest baby ever!" Someone cooed.
"How have the last three weeks been? You haven't been too overwhelmed without Jake?" Another person asked.
Katie looked up from her phone, just as Erin Lindsay, one of the detectives in Ned's squad stood up. Her husband Jake Lindsay was another detective. "I'm fine, y'all. Don't fuss about me, just this precious one. My mom is helping a bunch with the other kiddos, and I've got my hands I'll with this one." Then she saw her looking through the crowd of people at her. "Oh, Katie! I didn't see you there. Have you met little Selena, yet?"
The woman was walking towards her and passing the infant into her arms before she could say no, she really wasn't in the right mindset to hold a newborn right now.
"She's beautiful," Katie said softly, looking down at the newborn in her arms.
It was hardly ten seconds before she felt ever every bit of sadness from this past year. Hell, from everything she'd ever gone through.
"You know, me and Jake never thought we'd outnumber you and Ned with kids," Erin exclaimed. "And now we have four!"
"Oh, yeah." She tried to laugh it off as she stood up and passed the at back to her mom. "I guess I never thought about it that way."
"So, when are you two gonna have another? Willow is three now, right?" Erin spoke so cheerfully Katie almost didn't feel her heart sink. She wished more than anything to have another baby if only Erin knew that. "I feel like Jake and I get pregnant so easily that it's not even on purpose anymore."
"Must be nice," she muttered under her breath.
She knew Erin meant well. She didn't know of her and Ned's fertility struggles. No one at the station did besides Scott and Josh. The only ones who knew were the people the trusted the most.
"Did you say something, Katie?" Jake asked, glancing up from the baby in his wife's arms.
"She's a blessing," she said, smiling. "If you'll excuse me, I need some air. If Ned comes back… Let him know I just stepped out."
"Of course," Jake said gleefully. "We'll have to tell him about gettin' on baby number three, right?"
Katie laughed and tried to smile as she slipped past the happy couple and tried to run out of the station as fast as she could.
It wasn't a nice feeling to have, this feeling of complete worthlessness. Katie didn't choose to feel like this, her mind and heart made her feel it. The waves came and went, calm as a tsunami, taking her away in the tidal waves whether she liked it or not. It was like a fog that just enveloped her so completely, that she felt like no amount of medication would save her from some times.
Her tears came nxt as much as she tried to hold them back. They rolled down her cheeks so steadily she was unsure they would ever stop. It always felt like this, the tidal wave of sadness coming in.
"Katie?"
Oh no. No. No.
She didn't want to talk to anyone right now, especially anyone that could happen to run into her here. Like her mother or father or god forbid Delia. Because if they caught her like this that would mean she'd have to answer questions and she didn't really want to talk. When Katie looked up, she came face to face with the calm eyes of Scott O'Neill. He hadn't seen Katie like that since the night of the accident.
Her loose shoulders shook, her hands hanging low, making no attempt to conceal or even wipe away her own tears until he had said her name. She'd looked spooked and slowly met his eyes as she wiped away her tears, something he'd seen Mackenzie do so many times it hurt to think about.
"Are you okay?" Scott asked, stepping lightly toward her.
"Do I look okay?" She laughed as she wiped away her tears, falling back on trying to be funny, to hide up the fact that she'd just been sobbing when he'd walked up.
"No," he shrugged, coming a little closer and leaning against the wall next to her. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really," she sighed, glancing up at him. "But if you must know, it hurt to see Jake and Erin's baby a lot more than I thought it would."
He reached out his arm and rested it on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Katie. I know things have been tough since the accident," he said softly.
She nodded slowly. "Yeah. This week has felt like a month." She ran her hands through her hair and sighed. "But thank you, Scott. What are you doing over here when you called in?"
"Rebelling, I guess. I came to grab something from my desk," he chuckled.
Ned came out the front door of the precinct a moment later, scanning around for barely a second before seeing her and walking toward them.
"Well, I'll see you then." Katie walked toward Ned, biting her bottom lip, refusing to cry just because she saw him, but could feel a tear or two rolling down her cheeks.
"What's wrong?" Ned asked softly as he opened his arms to hug her and as he did. He pressed his lips to nose, just like he used to do when they were first married and then buried his nose in her thick hair that was down. "Are you okay?" He murmured into her ear, too quietly for Scott, who was still near them to hear as he walked inside.
She nodded wordlessly against his chest, "We'll talk later."
Her mind a muddle of too many conflicting memories and emotions on her mind for much talk. It was little Charlie's sweet little hands that she remembered so clearly from that hour she got to be with him. Or slivers of different moments during the car crash and being thrown around in the backseat like a rag doll, waking up to be told her baby was dead.
Oblivious, Ned tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear and kissed the top of her head. "Okay. I got leave for the day."
"Really?" She smiled, biting her lip. "You did?"
Ned arched one eyebrow at her, confused. "Why are you so shocked?"
"You hardly ever get off this early anymore," she clarified, shaking her head.
He doesn't respond at first, shrugging. He let out a shaky exhale and pulled her into a crushing embrace. "I didn't know how hard it would be to see Erin and Jake's baby," he repeated her words as he pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"Me either," she sighed.
"Let's go to the store and see if my mom will keep Willow overnight, huh?" He suggested, kissing her cheek again.
She smiled, nodding. "I like that idea. Let's go."
When they'd gotten home and had the chance to talk, Ned made lunch and Katie had rested on the couch until it was done.
They had played a few games of Scrabble before Katie set out to make dinner. Ned had come to help and they made a homemade pizza. As it cooked, they went back into the living room.
After flipping through the channels they settled on the beginnings of a football game while Katie went to check on the pizza. She took it out and cut it up, bringing them both a plate. After eating, Katie and Ned were cuddling on the couch. It was nice, almost like a reminder of the past when it was just the two of them.
Katie rested her head in his lap as she read a romance novel that she'd picked from the many in her collection. He caressed her hair in that special way he'd perfected over the years, running his thick but dexterous fingers through her long locks and massaging lightly.
That day had been a particularly difficult one for both of them. She was tired and emotionally drained, so lying on the sofa in Ned's arms was extremely comfortable. She was really only half-listening to the football game nonsense.
As she turned the page of her book, nearly halfway through, Katie yawned and closed her eyes, and decided to tune out the game and book by taking a nap. Unfortunately, her husband chose that exact moment to turn up the volume on the television, meaning she couldn't help but stay awake and listen.
"Michael Forbes has got the ball, on the forty-yard line for the Giants." The announcer said. "Now the thirty. The twenty, will he go all the way?"
Katie rolled her eyes and turned away from the screen. She wasn't even a Giants fan, even if Ned was.
"Ned," she yawned as the running back was taken down at the ten-yard-line. "Can we shut this off and go upstairs?"
"Don't you want to see if the Giants win?" he asked her, his tone of voice strange.
"Not really," she pointed out. "Even if you are."
But he just shrugged and kept the television on. "I'll be up in a bit."
"Fine," she huffed. "You can stay up and watch the rest if you want, but it's late and I'm going to bed."
She stood up from the sofa and stretched languidly. Ned turned his head to watch her as she walked up the stairs, an inscrutable look on his face. What had gotten into him?
Katie had been asleep for at least an hour when Ned finally joined her in bed.
"Mmmm," she said, sleepily, as he gathered her into his arms and pulled her close. "You're here. What took you so long?"
"I finished the game. I love you," he said huskily, his breath hot against the sensitive skin just beneath her ear. "Sorry about earlier."
"Love you too," she said, still half-asleep. She rolled over and cupped his sweet face in her hands, kissing the tip of his nose.
She was about to roll over again and go back to sleep when Ned stopped her and kissed her, hard, on the mouth.
Katie could tell right away that despite the somewhat late hour, Ned was not tired. There was nothing sleepy or tentative about this kiss. He hungrily sucked her at her bottom lip, tracing it with the tip of his tongue just the way she liked and teasing it into his mouth. He ran his strong hands, calloused from the hard manual labor involved in rebuilding the bakery, up and along her sides until her shirt had ridden halfway up her rib cage.
"Ned," she said, gasping and laughing a little when he grabbed at the bottom hem of her shirt and quickly lifted it over her head. "It's almost ten. You have to be up at five in the morning…"
"I don't really care about any of that right now," he told her abruptly, bending down to take one of her bare breasts into his mouth.
He sucked on the dusky pink nipple gently and swirled his tongue, and suddenly all of the very good reasons she had for why this wasn't a good idea right now flew out of her head. It was very late and Katie was mentally and physically exhausted, but as Ned's hands worked themselves over her body, none of that mattered anymore.
When he thrust himself inside her, he began to move in the way that felt both new and familiar every single time they did this. She arched her back and moaned, giving his lips and tongue better access to her breasts and changing the angle. She could feel every part of him as he moved and as his fingers helped bring her closer.
"Yes," she breathed after only a few minutes as he fell apart inside of her, taking her along with him as they toppled together over the edge. "Oh, yes… I love you, Ned."
"I love you too," he whispered afterward, they laid tangled together amongst the rumpled sheets, and as Katie was once again on the verge of sleep, Ned cleared his throat, startling her. "I still want to have another baby with you," he said, sounding timid.
Her head was resting on his bare chest, her ear just above his breastbone where his heart rate was slowly returning to normal. The words, quietly spoken, rumbled in his chest and reverberated in her ear. She propped herself up on one elbow so she could look at his face. But his eyes were fixed on an invisible spot on the ceiling.
"You do?" She asked. "Even after everything?"
Ned glanced at her once, very briefly, before averting his eyes once more. "I'll always want to – I want us to have more children," he said.
"I do too," she whispered, her tears present, flowing freely. "But I'm so scared. What if something happens again?"
"I know," he breathed. "I think about it every time and it's a crushing thought, but we can't let that get in our way."
"Ok, Ned," she said, nodding.
"What – what -?" He spluttered before she shut him up with a heated kiss.
"Let's try," she said simply against his lips. "I don't want to be afraid anymore and… and I think I'm ready to try. I love you."
Six months to the day after Katie decided she was ready to keep trying to have another baby with Ned, she still wasn't pregnant. She didn't know much about the mechanics of getting pregnant – aside from the very obvious, of course, which she was fairly confident she and Ned were getting right.
But she did know it wasn't supposed to take this long. It had never taken this long with Asher or Willow. And definitely not Charlie or the two she'd lost.
Katie began to wonder if seeing a doctor might be necessary for them to have a baby this time. A real fertility doctor; not someone like her father.
Time was passing. By then, many of their friends and family had more children
It wasn't just Mackenzie anymore, whose daughter Freya was now two years old and the spitting image of her mother. Everyone had breathed a sigh of relief to that. Even her brother Aaron's wife Michele was pregnant with their second child. And worst of all, Delia never stopped asking when they'd have another.
Her mother had tried to play devil's advocate because she wasn't as close with her mother-in-law, and if Delia knew her and Ned's predicament she would definitely be more sensitive to the issue. But Katie just wasn't comfortable with that. Regardless, it served as a daily reminder of just how long this was taking for them.
It was affecting them in ways Katie hadn't imagined possible. At least their children never asked any of those kinds of questions.
If this had been difficult on Katie– and it had been; every single month she didn't become pregnant she felt a little bit emptier inside, a little bit more a failure as a wife to Ned even if they'd already had two children – it had been a special kind of torture for Ned, who watched her fall apart bit by bit inside.
Every month, when it was suddenly clear, again, that they still weren't about to have a baby, Ned would immediately excuse himself from the house to take a run.
"To clear my head," he'd always tell her, his eyes glassy and rimmed with red.
He'd recently taken to leaving the room every time Hannah came to visit, her belly now round like an autumn pumpkin with an accidental third pregnancy. It was clear to Katie that for more her husband's sake, if not for her own, things could not continue like this for much longer. And so at their date night dinner one night she asked him if he'd be willing to see a doctor with her.
"A real doctor," she added quickly. "Someone who specializes in… these things."
She had no idea what sort of doctor that might be, but she knew they'd have to probably leave Grandview to see one. The hospital here was great and her father was a wonderful doctor, but they needed to look into this more deeply. For his sake and her own.
At her proposal, Ned's fidgeted with his napkin and couldn't look her in the eye for a very long moment. When he did, finally, his eyes were sadder than she'd seen them since she'd woken up after trying to take her own life after they'd lost their first baby, Charlie.
She had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from bursting into tears. "Ned?" Se said softly.
"Alright," Ned said, nodding, his voice very thick before he cleared it. "We probably should."