The first three weeks after Teresa's return the two women spent much of their time together. Teresa completed chores on the farm in the mornings, then she and Alison did their shopping together in the afternoon. They always stopped for tea at Alison's before Teresa had to return to the farm. Comfortably seated around Alison's table they discussed Teresa's new village, her new house, how much she missed teaching, and her hope for the baby to be a boy. She made no mention of returning to Nick, so Alison assumed Teresa was planning to remain in Great Paxford. During one conversation she had briefly mentioned that her marriage was not going well but didn't elaborate and Alison didn't pry for additional details. She didn't like the feeling she got in her heart when she considered the possibility that Teresa may leave again, so she refused to ask.
Early in the fourth week, Teresa didn't take her coat off as she stood in Alison's doorway and said she was needed more on the farm. With tears in her eyes, she flatly told Alison that they could no longer spend their afternoons together. It was obvious that there was more to Teresa's reasoning than farm work, but despite Alison's pleading she refused to discuss the topic further. She coolly said goodbye to Alison and strode off without looking back. Overwhelmed by confusion and angrily blinking away tears, Alison watched her walk away.
Two days later she saw Teresa delivering eggs to the Brindsley's butcher shop. Their eyes met, Teresa's mouth twitched at the corners as she suppressed her usual smile, then she turned and briskly walked in the opposite direction. Alison felt like she had been slapped. She had done nothing to Teresa to deserve such rude treatment. When Teresa was standing teary-eyed at her door making excuses about farm chores, it hadn't occurred to Alison that she had done something to offend Teresa. She merely thought Teresa was working through something personal, perhaps regarding Nick or the baby, and needed some time to herself. Now though, faced with Teresa's deliberate snub of her, she had to wonder why Teresa was upset with her.
As Alison finished her shopping, she ruminated on Teresa's behavior, gradually becoming furious. The two of them had been so close, so comfortable, so trusting of one another. It didn't make any sense for Teresa to suddenly treat her with such disdain. If Alison were to admit it to herself, Teresa's abrupt ending of their friendship broke her heart far more than it angered her. However, an admission such as that was more than she was willing to acknowledge, so she focused on the anger and seethed as she walked to her house.
Arriving home, Alison slammed the door and dropped her purchases on her desk. Pat emerged from the kitchen and asked if something was bothering her. Responding curtly, Alison assured her that everything was fine. She knew that Pat was too perceptive to believe the lie, but she also knew the other woman was too reserved to press the issue.
After silently watching Alison roughly remove items from her basket, Pat quietly said, "I'm here if you need to talk."
Alison pressed her fingers to her forehead and sighed, "I'm sorry. I'm upset with someone else. That's no cause to be rude to you."
"It's rare to see you so unwound." Pat gently responded, "Is it Frances? Have you talked to her? She's stubborn but she isn't unreasonable."
Alison considered Pat's words. It wasn't Frances, but Pat was still offering useful advice. Teresa was reasonable, she wasn't even stubborn like Frances, surely she would be willing to explain herself. Confronting Teresa would resolve the issue, or at the very least it would calm Alison's mind. If she had done something to warrant this new relationship she wanted to know what it was and make an effort to mend it. Without correcting Pat's assumption about Frances, Alison nodded, "You're right." She thanked Pat, excused herself, and headed to the Farrow Farm.
Walking along the road she reflected on her friendship with Teresa and some of the anger faded. She believed she knew Teresa well, or well enough to understand her moods. This behavior was uncharacteristic for Teresa, and although she was mad about Teresa's petty behavior, she was certain there was a justification. If it were her fault, Teresa would have told her. Alison ran from problems, hid behind fear and meekness, but Teresa never did. She preferred to face issues full-on, a trait Alison envied.
Teresa's callous attitude should be unforgivable, but Alison wanted to forgive her. She had been so afraid Teresa would return to Nick, once again leaving Alison lonely, that she hadn't considered losing the woman while they were in the same village. She wanted her friend back. All Teresa had to do was explain, apologize, or just smile in the way she does that went straight to Alison's heart, and Alison would release any lingering anger. It briefly crossed her mind that she shouldn't be so upset over a friend, that her feelings shouldn't be so intense, the sense of loss so profound, but she pushed it aside. Just because she felt strongly about Teresa didn't mean there was anything abnormal about their friendship.
Alison spotted Teresa entering a barn and hurried after her. As she neared Teresa she harshly asked, "Why have you been avoiding me?"
Teresa turned around, shock clearly displayed on her face. It took a few seconds for her to recover, replacing the shock with indifference. "I told you." She attempted to sound confident, but Alison could hear the tremor in her voice.
"I don't believe it has anything to do with Step or the farm. Have I done something?" Now that she was face to face with Teresa, Alison suddenly felt insecure. Perhaps she was overreacting. Perhaps Teresa would think she's crazy. Worse yet, Teresa may find her needy and irritating, and that's why she chose to distance herself from Alison. Alison wished she had thought of that before she had stormed into the barn after Teresa. The anger was swiftly replaced by worry and fear. This was a mistake.
Unaware of Alison's conflicting emotions, but clearly battling her own, Teresa pursed her lips, glanced around the barn, tightened her grip on the bucket she was holding, and said, "Of course not. You've been nothing but a wonderful friend. It's just for the best that we don't spend every afternoon together."
"We don't have to see each other every day." Alison hoped Teresa would agree to the compromise and resume her part in Alison's life, even if it wasn't on a daily basis. She resisted the urge to beg, silently berating herself for her willingness to trade her pride for her feelings. Her emotions were swirling around: anger, sadness, fear, affection, they all kept her head spinning as she tried desperately to find one to latch onto. She was no longer sure if she came for an apology, an explanation, an opportunity to mend the friendship, or simply because she missed Teresa. Her head and heart were twisted into knots. She hadn't felt so much since she and George had decided to run away and present themselves as a married couple. Despite the assurances she had given to herself that their friendship was within acceptable boundaries, she knew the line between friendship and more was becoming blurry. The realization frightened her. Once again pushing away any feeling that wasn't anger, the safest emotion to indulge, she said, "That's no reason to have ignored me in the village."
"I panicked." Teresa spoke sincerely.
"But why?" Alison tried to mask the pain with a tone Frances would use in the Institute meetings, but she feared she failed. Teresa knew Alison better than anyone. She wouldn't be fooled by the lame attempt.
Narrowing her eyes to confirm that she knew Alison's tone was false, Teresa tilted her head to the side and regarded her former housemate for an uncomfortable length of time. Finally, she slowly blinked, licked her lips, and calmly said, "We spend too much time together."
"Why is that a problem? We're friends. Are you sick of me?"
"No!" Teresa slammed her bucket to the ground, her demeanor unexpectedly shifting into an anger Alison had never before witnessed from the normally patient woman, "We need some space. Just respect my decision."
"I have nothing but respect for you!" Alison sharply responded, "Why don't you have the same for me? You think I don't deserve an explanation for why you suddenly can't stand to be around me?"
Teresa flinched, "That's not it at all. It's just that you shouldn't be around me so much."
"I want to be. I don't understand." Alison crossed her arms and glared at Teresa. This conversation was straining her patience.
Teresa let out a loud, frustrated sigh, "People will talk."
"About what? Why?" Receiving no response, Alison asked, again sharply, her anger now overpowering any other emotion, "Teresa, what will they talk about?" For a brief moment Alison was reminded of the time Teresa had lost Boris during a walk. Alison had used the same tone when she had demanded, "Teresa, where is my dog?" So much had changed between the two of them since that day, including Alison's feelings toward the former school teacher.
"You know what." Teresa snapped, her voice low. She quickly looked around the barn as if she were afraid of being overheard.
Uncrossing her arms and stepping closer to Teresa, Alison lowered her voice as well, "You mean... like Connie?"
"Yes!" Teresa punctuated the air with her hand, her face tight with frustration.
"Who could possibly know about that?" Alison asked in disbelief.
Teresa shifted her eyes to the entrance of the barn, both watching for anyone to enter and avoiding Alison's gaze, "It's known. You need to distance yourself from me."
"Did someone say something to you?" Teresa nodded. Alison instantly understood why Teresa was pushing her away. Sympathy replaced her anger, and the affection she had for the woman began to edge its way back into her heart. Teresa wasn't being cruel, she was being protective. Alison fought the desire to hug her friend, instead asking, "Who?"
"Frances."
"She's angry with me still. She's just being mean." Alison waved her hand in the air, dismissing Frances and their feud.
"No. She's right. It's unbecoming for you and I to be together. If I were a man hugging you the way I do it would be inappropriate." Teresa tucked her chin down toward her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. Her anger had quickly disappeared as well, leaving her vulnerable and uncomfortable.
"I like the way you hug me." Alison placed a hand on Teresa's forearm, frowning when Teresa immediately shrugged it off. "How does Frances know?"
"Sarah told her." At Alison's confused expression, she elaborated, "Nick found some letters from Connie. It was so stupid of me to keep them!" Teresa tilted her head back and swallowed, reigning in her emotion, "I just wasn't ready to let go, you know? Nick didn't take it well. He must have told Sarah. They're very close."
"Too close." Alison mumbled.
"Exactly!" Teresa took a step back and pointed at Alison, "That's what will be said about us. About you."
"I don't care." Even though Alison said the words, they still shocked her. By admitting to Teresa that she didn't care what others thought of her she was also admitting her feelings. She knew what the implication of being too close to Teresa would mean.
"You do. You told me before. You've built a life here. You have a reputation to uphold." Teresa's voice was becoming high-pitched, an indicator that she was upset rather than angry.
Alison told herself to agree, to back out of the conversation and bury her feelings. She wasn't sure she was brave enough to face the impending gossip and the possibility of being cast out of the village. Truthfully, the potential fallout from her admission terrified her. However, Alison remembered the nights she spent crying after Teresa moved, and she knew that her reputation wasn't as important to her as her heart. Pushing through her fears, she argued, "I barely knew you then."
"You were better for it."
"So you just decide we're not friends anymore?"
Teresa exhaled angrily, "You're not understanding! When Frances tells everyone I will be chased out. I will be hated, persecuted. You can't be involved."
"You don't know that Frances will tell. Don't shut me out." Alison knew she was pleading, knew she should be embarrassed to appear so desperate, and still she couldn't bring herself to stop. She understood what Teresa was telling her, but life without Teresa was unthinkable. She'd rather live with the fear than live without Teresa again.
"It's a horrible life! I don't want that for you!" Teresa yelled, "Alison, just go. Stay away from me. Please."
"No!" Alison stepped to Teresa and pulled her into a hug, bending them both forward to reach over the stomach, "I won't."
Teresa put her hands on Alison's shoulders and tried pushing away but Alison grasped her tighter, refusing to let go. Teresa struggled once more before relenting and leaning her body into Alison's. Relief flooded Alison.