"We've never discussed how it feels for you to keep such a secret." Alison said. Weary from the range of emotions she just filtered through, she sat on a bale of hay.
Slowly, Teresa lowered herself to sit next to Alison. "It's hard. There's a constant worry that I'll be found out. And now I have been. If Frances or Sarah tell anyone else I won't be able to stay here."
"Is that what happened with Connie?"
Teresa nodded. "Someone saw us together." She licked her lips and briefly closed her eyes, "Do you know how difficult it was when she died? I had to pretend I lost a friend. I couldn't grieve, not like you and your George. I was alone with it." Her voice cracked as tears filled her eyes.
"I should have been there more for you." Alison laid her hand on top of Teresa's. She was filled with shame over her initial reaction to finding out about Teresa's relationship with Connie. She had rejected Teresa out of selfish fear. Then, after claiming to accept Teresa and her secret, she encouraged the woman into a marriage that she knew would never fulfill her. She had not been the loyal, caring friend that Teresa deserved.
"You were wonderful." Teresa smiled despite her watery eyes.
Alison shook her head in disagreement. "Connie didn't leave with you?"
"I didn't give her an option. She had a good job, a good life. I didn't want her to sacrifice everything for me."
"Maybe she wouldn't have seen it as a sacrifice. Maybe she would have thought you were worth it." Alison didn't know if that would have been true for Connie, but she knew it was true for herself. Teresa was worth everything to her.
Teresa let out a humorless chuckle, "This life isn't worth it. The hiding, pretending to be friends, living in fear. Why should we have to live like that? No one should have to go through this. I left so she wouldn't have to suffer."
"You left to protect her?"
Teresa nodded.
Alison lightly squeezed Teresa's fingers and asked, "Is that why you pushed me away? To protect me."
"Yes." Teresa's voice was thick with suppressed emotion. Unshed tears clung to her eyelashes as she blinked.
Suddenly, how Alison felt about Teresa was very clear; she had developed feelings for her friend. She began to fidget with Teresa's fingers, picking one up and letting it drop back down with a soft thump. She ran her index finger under Teresa's, marveling at how long and slender it was. Turning Teresa's hand over, she ran a finger over the palm, watching as Teresa's fingers curled involuntarily at the sensation. Alison linked their fingers together and dropped them onto Teresa's lap. Looking up from their intertwined fingers, she met Teresa's blue eyes, the confusion radiating from them.
"Protect me from what?" Alison quietly asked.
"I said already. Your life could be ruined."
Alison nodded, "You've made that clear. What I don't understand is what will ruin it. People making assumptions about us because of your life? Are you concerned that the assumptions are correct?"
"What?" Teresa's mouth opened slightly and her eyes narrowed as she tried to decipher the meaning of Alison's question. It was obvious that she hadn't given any thought to the idea of them being more than friends.
Embarrassed, Alison didn't answer the question. "I can't make people accept you and I can't relieve the weight of your secret. But, I can be your friend."
"It could all turn out badly for you."
"Then we'll move to a new village. Together." Teresa may not share her newly discovered feelings, but Alison still wasn't willing to let her go. She could settle for friendship. Anything to keep Teresa.
Teresa shifted her body, bumping their knees together. "I can't do that to you."
"I'm not giving you a choice." Alison stood, one hand still clasped in Teresa's, and reached out the other hand, waiting for Teresa to grab it. "Now, come on. Pat's made some baby clothes and I promised you would come round to get them."
Teresa slid her hand into Alison's and allowed Alison to pull her to her feet. They walked in silence, no longer holding hands, a new and uncomfortable distance between their bodies. Teresa slowed her pace as they neared Alison's home, and she reluctantly followed Alison inside. She had stopped arguing with Alison, likely to avoid conflict rather than acceptance of Alison's pleas, but she remained abnormally quiet, nearly sullen.
Pat wasn't at home, and the women agreed they should not look at the baby clothes without her. Teresa sat in Alison's desk chair, her elbow on the desk and her chin propped in her hand. Her face was turned toward the window, reminding Alison of a day over a year ago when she had encouraged Teresa to invite Nick over for supper. She had been insistent that Teresa could lead a happy, secret free life if she pursued Nick. A pang of guilt washed over Alison. How wrong she had been to ignore Teresa's doubt, to encourage Teresa to go against her desires.
Staring at Teresa, Alison wondered if she was again putting Teresa in a difficult position by pushing her to go against her instincts. If Teresa was that concerned about her secret getting out, and about Alison's happiness and reputation, than perhaps she should set aside her selfish desire to be in Teresa's life and instead honor the woman's wish to distance themselves. Breaking her own heart was a small price to pay for helping Teresa stay safe.
"Teresa," Alison softly said as she sat in the chair near the desk, again reminding her of that long-ago conversation about Nick. She waited for Teresa to look at her before asking, "Did you love Connie?"
"Very much." Teresa answered quietly.
"I'm sorry I pushed you to marry Nick." She held Teresa's gaze, "I can't imagine how difficult it must be to hide a part of yourself. It was unfair of me to disregard your fears simply because I can't bear the thought of being apart from you. I meant everything I said earlier. I don't care what Frances or anyone else thinks and I want to be your friend. However, I will honor your request to leave you alone if you so wish."
Teresa stared at her for several seconds, "It's not what I want at all." She let her hand fall to the desk with a slap and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, "I'm absolutely terrified of what is going to happen to me. But, to take you down with me, how could I ever live with myself?"
"You are not taking me down. I'm making a choice."
"Do you know what you are choosing?" Teresa's voice was rising in pitch, the conversation causing her to become upset.
"I'm choosing you."
Teresa gave a thin smile, "You shouldn't."
Alison shrugged her shoulders, "I was alone for twenty years after I lost George. You have no idea how much you mean to me." Reminding herself to not force Teresa, she added, "So much that I'll walk away if you want. Tell me what you want."
"I don't know the answer." Teresa pressed her lips together. "I want to be free, happy, safe. I don't want you to be tarnished by my life. But, I don't want to lose you." She let out a long, exasperated exhale. "This isn't simple for me."
"You won't lose me." Alison promised. She could tell that Teresa was still uneasy but she feared that pushing the topic further would start another argument. Instead, she asked Teresa about baby names, pleased with the genuine smile Teresa gave as she listed the names she was considering. Alison noticed that Teresa made no mention of Nick's preferences, but she didn't comment on it.
As Teresa talked, Alison let her mind drift to her declaration that she was choosing Teresa. She hoped Teresa interpreted that as choosing to be friends and not Alison's desire to be more. It was ironic that while Teresa was so worried about her secret being exposed, she had no idea that Alison had a secret of her own. She could relate to Teresa's fears more than Teresa knew.
"Oh!" Teresa exclaimed, reclaiming Alison's attention, "I'm meant to go by the grocer's. I need a source of income and Steph said they're looking for help."
"Income? Why?"
"I can't live off Steph's generosity forever.
"Can you work in that condition?" Alison flicked a hand in the direction of Teresa's stomach.
"I've been working on the farm, haven't I? Walk with me?" Teresa's mood was lighter than earlier.
Alison nodded in acceptance. She was glad for the invitation, taking it as a sign that Teresa was no longer desiring to keep them distanced. She stood, smoothed the wrinkles from her skirt, then walked around the desk to help Teresa stand. Teresa squeezed her outstretched hand in appreciation but let go as soon as she was on her feet.
The pace to the grocer's was slower now that Teresa was pregnant, but Alison didn't mind. Teresa was animatedly explaining her standoff with one of Steph's chickens, describing how she was unable to retrieve the eggs without the chicken physically objecting. They were laughing, their shoulders bumping into each other, when Teresa abruptly stopped walking. Alison looked at her and saw the tension in her body, her shoulders pulled back and her face tight with fear. Alison followed Teresa's gaze and saw Frances glaring at them.
"Ignore her." Alison whispered.
Teresa took a small step away from Alison and looked at her feet.
"I'm not ashamed to be your friend." Alison said slightly louder. She wrapped her hand around Teresa's wrist and said again, "Ignore her."
Teresa looked at her hand. Alison prepared herself for the inevitable feeling of rejection when Teresa jerked her arm away. To her surprise, Teresa didn't pull away. Instead, she glanced at Alison and slowly loosened her fists. Without hesitation, Alison slid her hand into Teresa's.
"Do you know what you're doing?" Teresa whispered through clenched teeth.
"Stop asking me that. I said I would stand by you." Alison whispered back.
"Not by holding hands."
"We can't let Frances intimidate you."
"I don't think you understand the implication this is giving." Despite Teresa's harsh tone, Alison could hear the underlying panic.
Alison turned to face Teresa, annoyance clear on her face. She thought they had already sorted this discussion earlier in the day. "What would that be?"
"That we're..." Teresa looked in Frances' direction, then turned back to Alison and whispered, "That we're seeing each other."
Alison knew that. Teresa had made it perfectly clear in their previous discussion. Evidently, she had not successfully made herself clear to Teresa. Teresa was her friend, her companion, and a part of her didn't care if people did think they were involved. She was proud to be associated with Teresa. However, she couldn't force Teresa to feel safe.
Alison squeezed Teresa's hand. "Let's go." She pulled on Teresa's hand and began to walk away, out of sight of Frances. Teresa didn't immediately move, but a tug from Alison prompted her to follow. Alison held her hand for several feet before letting go. Teresa slipped her hands into her jacket pockets and said nothing.