Sometimes taking two steps forward meant, in order to progress, one had to take a few steps backwards as well. That's the way life went. One step forward, two steps back, the whole idea was plain, but easy to explain to children when they failed their first test, or someone who didn't get into their top choice college or lost their job.
Courtney was uncannily familiar with the entire process. Her teenaged years rode on that idea; so close, yet so far. There, and suddenly, no longer.
It seemed like every time something positive arrived into her life, it departed just as quickly. Whether that was founded in her relationships, her friendships, or the opportunities presented to her. Then, she forcefully received the option. And, as she recollected on these memories, it was not natural and, therefore, did not deserve to be in her possession after all.
Standing in the mirror, Courtney was not looking at herself. Her uniform fit properly, looked clean, but they were just articles of clothing she didn't identify with. Another day, another opportunity to make today unique. But it wasn't.
She wasn't falling backwards. That would be an extreme way to describe what was constantly running around in the brunette's head. A few days ago, she made a stupid decision she wanted to take back but couldn't. One phone call suddenly changed the trajectory of how she wanted to live the rest of her life. The young adult couldn't stop thinking about the twenty-four hours that followed her decision. It was a whirlwind, and she hadn't consulted anyone beforehand.
It's been over two weeks since she spoke to anyone related to the television show. No, she continuously spoke in her head, it was not ignoring. Bridgette and Trent had called and texted her every other day or so. Bridgette had called a few times, Trent tried to video chat. There wasn't much to say to them; Courtney wasn't sure what she could say. It happened, and she regrets doing it. There was an anxiety building in the lining of her stomach where if she needed to answer or talk to them, she would have to truly acknowledge the mistake she made. Something told her to say yes!; her heart, maybe? If she had to blame it on something, that would be the most appropriate culprit. And she decided not to dwell on the reasoning behind it. Rarely did she ever allow her feelings to overwhelm her to a point where she finally listened. But this year was different than all the previous ones combined.
In the back of her mind, she knew she made the conscious choice to accept the invitation. It was something she wanted to do, something she believed she had to do in order to achieve a feeling of content she hadn't understood in a long time. This summer had been extremely difficult (well, really the whole year had been) and the lack of motivation dancing off of her fingers was missing. Maybe motivation could arrive when physically seeing everyone all in the same place at the same time.
Courtney didn't have much of a choice but to push those thoughts away: what was done was done, there was nothing she could do to go back and change the past. She needed to go to work, and come back here, and finish packing for the reunion.
Today was Courtney's last day of work. It wasn't particularly a depressing thought, but there were a couple people she was going to miss. Those were the people where they would stop on the street if they saw each other, profoundly admit they need to grad lunch together sometime, and then never do, only for the cycle to repeat itself for the years to come.
The brunette was not excited to go. Since they publicized she was appearing on the dumb reunion, paparazzi had found where she worked. She had to change the way she walked to the coffee shop and the way she went back home. Ultimately, she and her manager came to the conclusion she probably shouldn't work there anymore.
"I'm transferring you to one of our other locations." He spoke, gray beard moving with his mouth. "As much as I enjoy the extra cash flow coming in, this probably isn't what you want. I'm also getting over all the cameras." He was nice but cared enough for his employees that it made the decision much more appealing to Courtney.
She nodded her head. "I completely understand. I'd like to get back to you on coming back to work here, though. I think that after, uhm, everything that will occur in the next few weeks, I won't be able to provide the proper amount of time or dedication to your establishment. There's a chance I will be doing some traveling and s-"
And with a wave of his hand, she stopped speaking. "Don't worry about all that stuff. Just let me know when you're back in town and we can see how things will go, but if you want to stop next week, ya can."
She was incredibly lucky to have an older gentleman as a boss, because if he were any younger, he would probably hold the same bias against her that everyone else outside of the shop has.
"I legit cannot believe you're leaving tomorrow!" One of her co-workers screeched, and Courtney cringed a little bit. This teenager, almost twenty-years-old, was extremely excited about Courtney attending the reunion. The girl was a full-time student who worked part-time, and that was probably one of the few reasons why Courtney liked her. If the brunette had to point to any of her co-workers she'd consider a friend, this girl would be one of them.
Hair tied into a ponytail and standing behind the cash register, Courtney smiled and awkwardly looked away. "I know, it's so crazy Cassie."
It was almost seven in the morning, and they were just about ready to open up for the day. Courtney was impossibly anxious, unable to figure out how to calm her nerves down. Every time she thought about leaving her apartment and putting herself in this situation, her stomach turned uncomfortably. Sometimes she would find herself biting the inside of her mouth when she thought about seeing everyone again.
The more she thought about it, the more she figured she was probably the only contestant who felt this way. No one else probably felt a need to be guilty about any of their actions on the show. If one were to look at the list of people who should feel guilty, Courtney would bet $100,000 she was at the top of it. And it was unfortunate, because it made her realize how much she negatively impacted the experiences of those around her. The reality show became her world, and back then, the world revolved around Courtney. If she could change any way she acted, it would probably positively affect several different people. And yet, during the filming, no one ever told her directly how much they ruined the experience for her (other than Duncan, but that was much later).
It was true, the producers didn't include everything that happened during the show and there were moments where the teenager actually got along with some of the other people, but there was still this animosity surrounding her.
Blinking, the young woman turned back to her friend, who was staring at her confused. "What's up? Sorry I didn't hear you."
The girl laughed and slapped Courtney's shoulder. "Oh man, you're crazy. I asked like ten minutes why'd it take so long for you to accept the reunion invite. I know you don't like to talk about the show that much, but I'm just soooooo curious." The way she looked at Courtney reminded her of a child, one that wouldn't go away if asked politely.
Courtney thought for a moment. It was true, though, she tried to avoid talking about the show during work hours, or to anyone that didn't experience the filming. It was hard to generalize the experience to make it sound exciting. Though there were some moments of fun, thinking about all the grueling challenges and tainted relationships took over easily and turned the thoughts to negative ones.
The Latina sighed, "I guess since it's my last day, I can tell you." She leaned to Cassie's excited self and whispered, "I don't want to go." Then, she came back and crossed her arms.
The teenager looked confused at Courtney. "What do you mean, you don't want to go?"
"I don't want to go."
"WHY?!" Cassie nearly screeched. "Do you even understand how influential you and the rest of the Total Drama contestants are?! You guys are trendsetters, you're literally famous, why not go see the people you came to fame with?"
Internally, Courtney's was twitching. Her co-worker's thoughts were so simple-minded and pure, it was painful to listen to.
So, she walked and unlocked the front door, thoughtlessly. Then, she responded as she walked back behind the counter. "Cassie, I work at a coffeeshop and live in a small apartment by myself. I don't participate in talk shows, and up until not too long ago, I found out the world thought I was dead." She turned to Cassie, who was staring back at her. "I chose this life for a reason. Sometimes it isn't about the fame. I didn't want the fame; I wanted the money. I wanted to win."
Courtney opened the glass case with the pastries inside and fiddled with the muffins and bagels, rearranging them. "Along the way I lost sight of myself, though."
"Courtney!"
"Hi. Listen -"
"Oh, it's all over the news, honey. Why didn't you tell me before?"
The brunette was in her kitchen, preparing her final dinner in the apartment for some time.
She sighed, her cellphone held in-between her shoulder and ear. "Sorry mom. It just kind of happened. I don't even really want to go."
A similar sigh came from the other side of the phone. "Oh, it's alright, I understand. Anyways, I just wanted to call and check-in on you before you left. What time is your flight?"
"7:15 tomorrow morning. I'm not particularly excited about the time, but I didn't exactly get a choice in the manner." Mrs. Otero's daughter mumbled into the phone, as she continued to prepare her dinner, which was tacos.
There was some silence on the phone, and bit of movement, before her mother spoke. "Well, don't sue them or anything along those lines. Be careful, and try to stay professional, ok?"
Courtney hummed in agreement, barely listening to her mother. "Sure. I'm about to eat dinner, I'll talk to you later." And after her mother said goodbye, she hung up.
Rolling her eyes, she let the phone fall onto the island that separated the kitchen from the living room.
The apartment was in absolute silence. The television wasn't on, the neighbors were quiet, and it wasn't humid enough for Courtney to turn the air conditioner on. She settled for purchasing a fan and placing it in her bedroom for nights like this.
She ate in silence. Scrolling on her phone, she settled onto reading different post on Instagram from people she followed. Her feed consisted of former acquaintances talking about their excitement for the reunion, celebrities she briefly met who she decided to follow, and different accounts that posted interior design possibilities or different affordable getaways to random islands she would never visit (unless she signed off to a remake of World Tour, which is a hard no). Occasionally, she would like a post, watching the heart light up.
It was strange how connected she was to people she hadn't spoken to in years. Social media is far from her favorite thing in the world, but it could be useful. She didn't follow everyone from Total Drama, but maybe there would be a chance of doing so after the reunion.
In addition to all of this, her private messages were exploding with messages from strangers all around the world. The past couple of days have created a chaotic environment within the Total Drama franchise.
Chris took his sweet time releasing the news of Courtney's acceptance, which was shocking for a couple reasons. One, Chris loves attention. Getting it out immediately would cause a string of reactions from people (though, Court would also argue Chris is one for dramatics as well, so the later the news the more exciting it would seem to be). Second, the announcement came during an interview of him during a late-night talk show, so he was able to get all the attention on him for a few minutes.
In short: Narcissistic.
Sometimes Courtney wonders if Chris is formerly diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder; he has all of the symptoms and they have been consistent for years. She would be shocked if he didn't.
Anyways, when the news broke, Courtney (in a similar fashion to her ex-boyfriend) was trending on several different social media platforms. Some people exclaimed how they knew she was going to accept the offer; others shocked she would make a re-appearance on the show that "made her lose her sanity" (real words taken from a tweet). The topic of discussion was asleep, preparing for an early start at work the following morning.
Anxiety had been trailing the Latina for the time following her phone call with Chris. There came a point where it affected her performance temporarily at work. She didn't want to explain to her supervisor or coworkers why she was a bit spacey and more cautious of people that recognized who she was, and so she didn't.
When she went into work the day after the news broke her coworkers began cheering for her. She was confused, until Cassie congratulated her for (finally) making a decision on attending the reunion. For a few moments, it was a good feeling. Then, she remembered all the faces she would have to interact with against, and all Courtney could do was sigh and put her apron on for the day.
She didn't even watch the pop culture-based television shows for the days afterwards. It was somewhat better to watch everyone else except yourself, Courtney assumed.
Falling into a rabbit hole of connected thoughts, Courtney stared at several different post and pictures on social media without really comprehending what she was seeing. Then, she began to clean the kitchen one final time.
Courtney had already begun her sleep playlist, the echoes of classical musicians eliciting conditioned exhaustion. Washing the dishes never took long but was an enjoyable routine for a thoughtless pattern where she didn't need to think much or say anything. Just clean the dishes and put them in the drainer, before moving on to the next dish or utensil.
Some time ago all Courtney could desire was routine. Routine was an extension of control, and as her thoughts shadowed, there was nothing more in the world Courtney wanted than control. The ability to predict all the responses and all the answers is a power anyone with a sane mind would want. To have a set routine allowed people to infer there was some level of knowing your environment and establishing what will happen.
That may have been one problem with the Total Drama series. There was no control. You never knew what challenge was arriving in the following days, or who was going to be your friend or enemy alongside it. You never knew when you were going to go home (especially in Courtney's case for Island) or when you would be spared. And, as soon as you began to feel comfortable, you were gone.
It was another reason she and her ex-boyfriend had issues. He led his life in such a different atmosphere than she did; he craved the adventure, the unknown, the experiences. Being on the show was Courtney's version of going out of her comfort zone. Her nature was stagnant and stubborn with what she already knew she could accomplish. His was everchanging and unpredictable. In her head, Courtney knew she couldn't control him; yet she tried (and failed).
These past few months have really given Courtney an opportunity to control her constant urges to control. First, she placed herself in an environment where there was absolutely nothing to control other than herself. Then, she got her job and started at the bottom, working her way up slowly. This was the challenge. Being around others she could barely stand (most of the time) and not nagging them consistently. It was a challenge. Whenever they did something wrong all she wanted to do was yell at them or correct them. But she chose for an eyeroll and a refocus back into her own duties.
As easy as it sounds in her head, it was a long process. Letting people learn to do things on their own. Watching the tapes and reliving the conversations and experiences she shared with her friends, she found this happened a lot with Bridgette; trying to correct her and teach her the proper way. The same thing happened with Duncan.
Finally, Courtney realized it wasn't her job to do that. That wasn't her responsibility. She didn't give birth or raise anyone else other than herself. If they're going to make a mistake, fine, let them. She needed to stop carrying other people's shortcomings on her shoulders voluntarily. And, from what her coworkers say, she did just that.
Once she was in her pajamas, Courtney decided to check her phone one final time before she went off to bed. She quickly went through her social media, barely glancing at any notifications she received. Then, she checked her email.
There are always several emails she leaves unopened, mostly promotions from clothing websites and random tabloid updates she had subscribed to around the time she was filming different seasons of Action and World Tour. Sitting in her inbox though, this time, was one from Chris dated about a week ago. Clicking on it with her finger, Courtney skimmed through it before seeing a link at the bottom and clicking on it. It led to a survey of how likely she was to interact and talk to all of the former contestants.
He actually told the truth for once. Rare.
Going through the survey, she indicated she had some interest of seeing just about every single former contestant to an extent. Even Ezekiel and his transformation of going from sexist comments to a rapid human. Then appeared Duncan's name. Of course, near the bottom of the list.
Courtney stared at his name for a while. Depending on her answer, she wouldn't be surprised if Chris showed viewers everyone's responses. But then again, she has been thinking pessimistically about a lot of things regarding the reunion, so maybe this time she should tell the truth.
But how does she feel about Duncan? In her head, she knows she's been thinking about him a lot more recently. And it wasn't as if she hadn't been thinking about him before her knowledge of the reunion. She's fully aware of her thoughts and how they make her feel.
She doesn't hate him, for one. She did, a couple years ago. She doesn't love him either though. It's some kind of middle ground. And, she's aware these feelings would change or be defined as something else once she sees him face-to-face. Maybe it would be best for her to completely avoid him during the filming. That would probably be for the best, but at the same time it wouldn't. Courtney, staring at her phone, decided to click she was somewhat interested in seeing him. Not the highest marker. Not the lowest marker.
In her head, Courtney could only imagine the joyride Chris was going to have reading everyone's responses together. She could only hope he wasn't as sick and annoying as he was in the previous years.
The sound of her alarm clock was the worst sound of all sounds that could exist.
Courtney wasn't sure at what it was that she fell asleep, but the heightened brightness of her cellphone displaying 4:00 AM was discomforting. She sighed, and heavily considered going back to sleep and stopping the snooze button completely. Unfortunately, though, she signed a contract, and a damn good one at that. The last thing she needed to be was sued by Chris and the producers for failing to appear for the reunion.
Slowly, she moved and gained control of her muscles, standing and stretching her arms and legs. She turned and made her bed. Courtney rubbed her eyes till they were clear of crust and ambled into her bathroom. The light was bright, but necessary and she stripped her clothes and turned on the shower head.
A few moments in the shower consisted of standing straight ahead, letting the water fall from her chest all the way down her legs. The Latina glanced up, watching the water fall out of it and onto her.
Her brain was absolutely buzzing with different thoughts and predictions for how the reunion would go. Maybe the plane would crash, and she would die. Or everyone would ridicule her, and she would leave mid-filming crying, running back to the enclosed space of her apartment.
She turned around and grabbed her loofah and body wash and beginning to wash her body. She watched her movements, eyes catching every detail of soap slipping off her body and onto her feet. She did this several times, washing her body and watching the water wash it all away. It felt good to exfoliate the skin, allow a period of renewal.
The young adult finally gained the motivation to get out the shower (one main reason was the water was beginning to cool) and dry off. Not too soon after, she started brushing her teeth. Scraping every inch of her mouth, Courtney remembered a time where she could barely look at herself in the mirror.
Even now, she chooses to avoid looking and watches her hand maneuver her toothbrush. I should've painted my nails last night Courtney thinks to herself. After she finishes brushing her teeth, she gargles and then washes her face. A couple of years ago she read online it's better to use sink water than the water in the shower because of the difference in pressures.
Once she finished and dried her face, she finally looked at herself in the mirror. Her freckles were exceptionally noticeable today, and the bags under her eyes haven't gotten worse since the last time she's looked. The Latina gives her face one more glance, and then walks out the bathroom, turning the light out behind her.
The more Courtney thought about it, the more she realized she really had no idea where the reunion was taking place.
In theory, this should have been one of the first things she looked at, for safety reasons. At the same time, as she is currently in an Uber on her way to the airport, she decided to actually look at her flight details other than the fact it's extremely early.
Looking at all of the information for the first time in its entirety, Courtney groaned aloud and smashed the back of her head into the cushion of the car. Camp freaking Wawanakwa. Of course. Taking it all back to where they first started it. How McLean.
Courtney has vivid memories of arriving on the island for the first time. Permanently tattooed on her brain, if she wanted to, she could probably recall every thought she had leading up to her getting off of the boat and greeting everyone. Looking up at the ceiling of the car, the young adult sighed and stared for a bit, before turning and looking out the window. The driver was playing upbeat, new pop song Courtney didn't take the time to listen to. She wouldn't be surprised if the melody of it ended up in her head for part of the journey to the island.
It was cloudy outside. The sun hadn't risen yet, so it was still fairly dark outside. And Courtney could understand that, while reminding herself the sun will rise eventually.
The airport was quiet. There were people moving around, of course, but not as many as there would be on a later flight on a different day of the week.
In her signature sunglasses and pulled back hair, the young adult had easily made it through security and checked in for the flight, walking to her gate. Courtney wondered if anyone else would be taking the same flight as her. In the back of her mind, she knew there were some contestants that lived close to Courtney, so it was definitely possible. She decided not to dwell on the thought for too long though.
Another nice thing about her local airport: it was small. There was no need to rush or run to her gate, because they were all so close. The gate she was assigned to was the very last one, all the way at the end of the airport. The young adult was familiar with being sent all the way to the end. Usually, it was right before she began filming a new season of Total Drama.
Looking around, it was a plain airport. It was nice and it was quaint. Courtney spent a lot of time in here as a child, traveling with her parents to different vacations and going to film for the show.
"Excuse me." Courtney looked up, and realized it was her time to order at the knockoff Starbucks.
She walked up, looking at the menu. "Sorry." She smiled politely. "Can I just have a smell hot coffee with cream please." Pulling her card out of the pocket on the back of her phone, she wordlessly handed it to the barista. Courtney wanted to treat herself to an indulgence she had been avoiding. This wasn't an easy decision, and this was a small pat on the back.
The barista smiled, taking the card and swiping it. "Hey, not to be that person, but are you Courtney from Total Drama?" She glanced at Courtney, speaking almost at a whisper so only the two of them could hear.
Courtney smiled, quickly glancing around to see who else was listening. "Yep. That's me." She awkwardly responded, biting the inside of her mouth.
"Oh my god, this was definitely not how I expected to start my morning." The girl is now completely stares, giving the card back to Courtney.
"Really?" Courtney looked; a bit shocked as she took her card back.
The barista nodded her head. "I mean, what are the chances you run into a celebrity grabbing a morning coffee?"
The Latina thought about it for a moment. "I guess you are right. I forget that sometimes."
"Yeah. This is so weird. Like, not to be rude though, but you were definitely not my favorite contestant by all means." The barista, who Courtney now sees her name is Shannon, immediately says. "Wait," Shannon quickly adds on, "Please don't yell at me. I'm sorry, it just kind of came out!"
Courtney waves her off, not expressing the true pain of the comment externally. "No, you're fine. It's understandable. I'm aware of how I acted, and it definitely didn't show me in the best light." Then, in a more stoic tone, "Thank you for your opinion."
Putting her card back, she walks towards the end of the counter where her coffee is being made.
"Hey, Courtney?"
She turns back to look at Shannon, who is leaning over the counter. "Yes?"
Shannon pulls out her phone. "Can we take a picture together?"
"You know, you're not so bad."
Courtney was standing at the counter, drinking her coffee with Shannon. Courtney didn't have to rush to her gate for a few more minutes, and there was no one else in the vicinity considering getting their morning coffee, so she decided to stick around.
The young adult looked at the mess of blonde strands falling down past the girl's face and underneath her brown visor. "Thanks."
Shannon, holding her head in her hands, continued to speak. "I mean that. Like, I didn't even really recognize you at first because, to be honest, I remembered how much of a raging bitch you were on the show. You seemed to have found a chill pill."
Taking a sip of her coffee, Courtney hummed. "Something like that. I watched all the tapes of the show and realized how crazy I looked."
"You're trying to prove you can be normal?" Shannon asked.
"More like showing I am normal. I grew up." Courtney shrugged her shoulders. "It's going to be weird, being back around everyone, but I signed a contract."
Shannon seemed to think hard. "Can I ask you something?"
Coffee burned down Courtney's throat. "Sure. What's up?"
"Is Heather as much of a bitch as she was shown on TV?"
Courtney laughed aloud for the first time in some time, probably since she was with Trent. She almost dropped her coffee because of it.
Then, she cleared her throat, indirectly apologizing for her sporadic response. "In short: yes." She smiled at some of the memories. "She was hard to be around sometimes; other times, we had the same goals, so I ignored my gut-feelings about her temporarily." Courtney continued. "She was a maniac but had her own reasons for it."
Shannon looked amazed. "I thought it was all for show."
"Eh, some of it was, a lot of it wasn't." Courtney modified her original answer.
"I just think it's so crazy you're about to go see all these people I grew up watching on TV. Like even talking to you right now is insane." Shannon spoke, still in awe. "You don't even realize your impact on the reality television shows or TV. You all were trendsetters."
The Latina shrugged her shoulders, seemingly unamused with the idea. "I'm aware, I just don't understand why anyone would want to be like me on any TV show. Critics are harsher than you would think." Then she checks her phone, realizing the time. "Shoot, I have to get to my flight now."
She finished up her coffee quickly, before grabbing her duffel bag and turning back to the barista. "Thank you for talking to me during this boring wait. Good luck with school and everything!"
"Thank you! Good luck to you too. You're gonna be fine! I can't wait to watch you on TV!" Shannon called from behind the counter.
Walking away from the teenager, Courtney opened her phone up to several notifications on her Instagram account. When she opened it, she slid over to tagged photos and saw the one she had just taken with Shannon. How in the hell did she post that only a few moments ago when I was just there? Courtney thought to herself.
The picture "has to fit my aesthetic please? I swear I will pay you" Shannon promised, and Courtney laughed at the idea of getting paid to take a picture. It was cute though. Courtney was sitting on the counter (where is her manager? she thought) and leaning over, smiling and her sunglasses up on her head so her eyes her visible. Shannon was behind the counter, leaning on glass and smiling as well. There wasn't any edit to it, and Shannon explained how her page is run similarly to that of "Humans of New York", whatever that is.
Shannon had explained the concept to her, which seemed pretty interested. The caption was a quote from Courtney herself, and she noticed the picture was already edging over one hundred likes.
The quote was as followed: "I had to change, for not only those around me, but mainly for myself. Things start to become clearer once you watch a stranger put on your skin, your clothes, and present themselves on TV with your voice. It's like looking into the mirror and being unable to recognize who you're looking at. 'I'm a nice person! I'm a caring person!' you tell yourself over and over. And when your back is against the wall and the evidence suggesting the exact opposite pushes you into a corner, you find a way out. I found my way out; at least, I think I did. And now, I can walk around and talk to people and get the opportunity to show why me changing is beneficial. It helps make the world a little bit better, I think."
Huh. She did say it in one of her rambles. And now it's out in the public for everyone to see.
Next step, the reunion.
I hope this was enjoyable! again, thank you for reading!
as I promised, this will be the last chapter before we (finally) get to the reunion! and thank you to all that have followed and favorited this story. thank you for your patience and taking the opportunity to walk this journey with me! that being said, here it is!
I know there was a lack of plot in this specific episode, but I needed to set up Courtney's headspace going into the reunion and give you guys a brief establish of where her feelings lie with Duncan. And I promise, Duncney interaction is incoming! yay!