He was always a little rough around the edges.
Courtney would know better than most. His skin, his personality, it was always a little jagged. When they argued, the communication was never perfectly clear. When they held hands, their skin shattered and placed fragments into each other's fingers and palms. They were anything but silk.
She thought of that description as she rubbed her left thumb across the tips of her fingers on her left hand. The pain felt good, sometimes. The adrenaline rush, the inflated ego - Duncan gave her a lot of emotions she hadn't felt before. Most of them were difficult to distinguish. There were the normal ones, happy and anger and sadness. Then frustration and suspicion and jealousy followed. A lot of these blended into each other like a watercolor of the human soul. Incomprehensible. Humane, though. Life was black and white, full of robotic scenery and straight paths to the next step in life.
Duncan disrupted all of this. Courtney wasn't sure how she could have let such a juvenile (at the time) break-in herself just as easily as he could the old woman's house down the street from him. It was confusing, brain signals infusing frustration and desire as one singular feeling stitched together. He looked at the city she built inside and threw paint all over it. Steps became ragged and split into several options. Straight lines became complex and curved.
She learned over the years how he had a way of brewing a storm in everyone he met. If a few events happened differently in his life, Duncan could be one hell of a politician.
The log Courtney sat on was warm from the beaming sun above her. Looking at her black flats, she continued rubbing her thumb on different fingers. It was almost as if the fragments of Duncan were still stabbed into her skin. Delicate, manicured fingers bleeding from the tips - tainting her perception of perfection again. Looking at herself was still hard, but would she look any different now compared to over a month ago? The bad habit of nail-biting stopped a long time ago, but the anxiety still simmers in her kidneys and pancreas and intestines and the rest of her physical being. Existing on the island where she began to outwardly lose herself felt similar to flying down onto a war with just a stun-gun in hand.
There was supposed to be an interview soon - that's why she was here. Another common effect of the show was Courtney getting lost in her mind more frequently. When she looked up, there were only two other logs, placed on the ground to form a triangle with the one the brunette was currently sitting on. For the first time that day, she heard her heart jump, and the beat made her head throb.
The options were few: Bridgette, Gwen, Duncan, or Trent were the best candidates. But it wasn't Bridgette. If it was, she was going to be really late considering she was most likely still asleep. And it would make them both look like bad friends if they didn't tell each-other they had the same interview time. Courtney could also rule Trent out solely for drama purposes. This left either Gwen or Duncan, and no matter who the other was Courtney knew it would be one of the longest days of the year.
"Courtney! Punctual as always." She heard Chris greet from behind her. Turning around, she recognized his unoriginal outfit choice and list of index cards in his hands. The host sat down on the log to her left, and immediately different interns ran to the beach to fix his makeup and rearrange the lighting, so he looked the best.
The sight of Chris filled Courtney with irritation. There were so many words flowing in her bloodstream, wanting to attack him for the trauma he caused everyone who ever stepped foot on the competition show he ran for several years. Instead, she stayed silent and chose to glare at him and cross her arms. A classic defensive method she had yet to dismiss. In addition, she crossed her legs too, completely shunning him from seeing her body language.
Once the makeup artist finished touching up Chris' face, she walked away. The camera crew stayed behind, adjusting their equipment to the standard of perfection Chris set. "I'm gonna be real with you dudette."
Courtney turned to face Chris, eyebrows a bit raised. He continued, "You're gonna have so much fun with this interview." His manic laugh and the action of slapping his knee nearly confirmed one of Courtney's nightmares about how this late morning was going to go.
Before he stopped laughing, the other interviewee arrived. The Latina looked up to a dog chain shimmering in the sunlight. His skin looked tanner than it had a few days ago. This image, on top of Chris laughing in the background, warped Courtney into a nightmare.
Duncan sat down on Courtney's right, crossing his arms with a frown on his face. When the former castmates locked eyes, though, Courtney couldn't help but offer a soft smile.
He smiled back at her, giving her a head nod as a formal greeting, the best non-verbal acknowledgement she would get in front of Chris. Quickly, he returned to his frown.
This wasn't a challenge she was ready to battle. Courtney could confidently admit that; for a fleeting moment, she hoped herself and Duncan could sit down and talk about what they wanted to say before this interview so they wouldn't fall victim to the monster of Chirs McLean.
Suddenly, one of the interns began a countdown until they started filming. Six, five, four...the numbers continued to get lower and lower until the two and one were silent.
"Good morning, everyone!" The host began, throwing his arms out characteristically so. "My name is Chris McLean, but you definitely knew that already. Welcome to the next installment of the Total Drama Reunion Special!" He chuckled, putting his arms down briefly. "We've got a good one today, and one of the most highly anticipated segments. For the next hour, I'll be chatting with former contestants, Courtney -." He quickly pointed in her direction, and the cameras turned to make sure they got a good grasp of the young adult.
She smiled at the camera and quickly waved with her right hand, legs continuing to stay crossed. Chris continued, "-And Duncan!" Though some of the cameras stayed on Courtney, a lot of them switched over to Duncan to catch his reaction. Courtney couldn't help but glance over to see the stoic look he was giving the cameras. A non-pierced eyebrow was raised, and his mouth almost formed a straight line.
There were two cameras that stayed dedicated to each former contestant while the rest refocused back to Chris.
The host chuckled again, this time a bit louder. "Man, there's so much to talk about, where do I even start?"
"You can start by letting us leave right now." Courtney suggested, the faintest smile on her face.
She could hear Duncan chuckle to her right. "Amen to that."
"Ha! Good one Courtney." Chris commented, though it was obvious he was faking. "Since you have so many suggestions already, I might as well suggest you start us off by answering this question." He paused, seemingly for drama. "In your opinion, what went wrong between you and Duncan?"
The first question was a loaded one, and there was not enough time in the segment (or really, ever) to get it all out. "A lot." Courtney began. She didn't look at Duncan when she spoke. "I try to think about how things would have been different if this show never happened, but in that case, we would have never met, which I would regret more, I think." She shifted on her log; legs still crossed. "Things happen for a reason."
"So, you don't regret being cheated on?" Chris asked, rubbing his chin.
She looked a bit confused. "That feels like a question for Duncan, not me. How can I regret something I didn't do?" It would've made more sense if she was asked -
Chris retaliated quickly. "-Let me rephrase then. Do you regret the actions you committed that led to you being cheated on?"
Who wrote these questions, because there was no way Chris had enough thoughts going through his head to write these? That was Courtney's first thought before she answered the question.
Courtney continued to look either at Chris or the forestry behind him. She didn't have the confidence to look at Duncan yet, not with the way these questions were going. "Yes, I regret the way I acted. I wasn't in my right mind." She left it at that, before crossing her arms.
"Duncan, man. How about you, regret that kiss with Gwen? Or dating Gwen throughout the rest of your time on World Tour? Or continuing to see Gwen during the beginning of All Stars?"
Little fistfuls of irritation laid on Courtney's heart with every inclusion of Gwen's name. She knew Chris was doing it on purpose, but she still couldn't help but remember all the images of the two of them dating during the beginning of one of Courtney's darkest points in her life.
"I don't regret dating Gwen."
The brunette blinked, before slowly turning to look at Duncan. She wasn't sure what the expression on her face was, but Duncan wouldn't know either since he was looking away from her too.
Duncan continued his response. "Being with her was cool and all until it wasn't. I don't fuck with the way we went about getting together, and I take some of the blame in it. I wasn't in my right mind either - that's the effect of this stupid show."
Chris turned back to Courtney. "Courtney, my girl, what do you think of that answer?"
To be honest, Courtney didn't entirely believe Duncan. She didn't believe he didn't regret, to some extent, dating Gwen. In her perspective, he was using her to get over Courtney. It was the familiarity factor, the comfortability of being with someone similar while trying to move on from someone who really changed their life. To some extent, she understood.
"Well, if that's how he feels then I should accept that." She kept it short and sweet, avoiding saying anything that could be taken out of context. For an added effect, she shrugged her shoulders.
Internally, she smiled at the dissatisfaction Chris let escape his face. "Really, Courtney. That's all you have to say after Gwen became your friend, worked alongside you to win challenges, and then went behind your back."
He was really pushing this topic, Courtney thought briefly. "I never trusted Gwen. It was obvious she had a thing for Duncan, and so while we were getting closer and friend-ish, we were never friends. So as unsurprising as it was, it still hurt all the same. But I didn't trust Duncan either, obviously. That can be observed as early as the second half of Action."
"And was that the effect of you own thoughts or Trent's influence before you returned to the show?"
She paused. This time, she could feel Duncan's eyes staring at her. Her heartrate picked up a bit. This was not how she anticipated this slew of questions going. And, then she realized Chris kept tabs on everyone, not just the active contestants.
Courtney swallowed her saliva. "It was a bit of both, I'll admit that." She uncrossed her legs quickly before recrossing them. "I was already coming to my own conclusions about Gwen and Duncan before Trent's arrival. Him being there fueled my distrust even more."
"It certainly must have, considering how close the two of you became before your entrance to the Lot."
For the first time, Duncan directed his words towards Courtney. "You and Trent were close?"
And she had to look at him this time. As much as she wanted to throw up, she was an adult and needed to talk to Duncan like an adult too. When Courtney turned, Duncan had an eyebrow raised, intrigued in her answer.
She nodded her head. "Yeah, after he was eliminated, he started talking to me and we were hanging out."
"Why didn't you ever tell me this?" Duncan asked her. "Did something happen between you two?" The remnants of suspicion hung with his words.
"Nothing ever happened between Trent and I." And even though nothing happened, why was she so nervous telling him that? "Like I told Bridgette, when everyone keeps calling you 'crazy' and 'psychotic' it should be expected you spend more time together. Trent went out of his way to be nice to me, especially since he saw how you and Gwen interacted with each other all the time and I only saw fragments of it." Courtney uncrossed her legs. "I never told you because at the time I didn't see it as important. My only goal was to win the money and getting back with you eventually. There really wasn't much else going through my mind."
Duncan stared at her intensely, like he was waiting for the right word or phrase to jump on and retort. She couldn't tell if he believed her or not, and that was frustrating. His face was devoid of any apparent emotion; he looked more analytical than normal. Maybe he was looking for something to attack her with, for a reason to prove exactly why he ended up dating Gwen. As much as he stared, she stared back at him. The longer the seconds felt, the more she wondered why she was craving his approval so much. But she already knew the answer to that.
The former delinquent asked the next question. "So where does Scott fit into all of this?"
"Do you think all my friendships and former relationships have to do with you?" Courtney asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I mean, sounds like you and Elvis were friends because of Gwen and I. Wouldn't be too left field to say you and Scott were a thing because of me either."
Courtney sighed. "Believe it or not, my life didn't revolve around you then, and it doesn't now. Scott was constantly sweet and made an effort, albeit a bit awkward. Unlike you, I could clearly tell he wanted to date me and not just get in my pants."
Duncan continued, his tone transforming to one of annoyance. "He's a loser farm-kid who was nothing. There's just no way you were actually into him. That kid was like two steps away from becoming Ezekiel. Now, you say you had a thing for Ezekiel then I'd whole-heartedly believe you."
"Quit it, Duncan." Courtney matched his annoyance with some familiarity of her own. "I liked Scott. I thought he was cute. We dated and it didn't work out like most things."
He pressed on. "Wonder why it didn't work out that time."
This was a repetitive, simplistic argument that could not be supported with concrete evidence from the opposing side. Courtney was sick of circling back to this. "As it can be seen on international television and with your own eyeballs, Cam kissed me first and I didn't want that. I wasn't even the slightest into him."
"I was talking about the second breakup." Duncan crossed his arms again, leaning slightly in Courtney's direction.
Sundae Muddy Sundae. Of course, that breakup. "What do you want me to admit that I haven't already, Duncan?" She can feel how hot her face is, and the prickling of tears rushing closer to her bottom eyelids. "I'm a terrible person. I go behind people's back and ruin every relationship around me because at the end of the day, I never learn. I'm greedy and only care about myself." The last part made her laugh aloud briefly. "What more are you trying to get out of me?"
She watched Duncan's expression change to shock, seemingly taken aback by her comments. There were pieces of guilt exposed in his blue eyes, too. Courtney made herself like this, Duncan was just another part of an extended equation to get this result.
There was a moment of silence. Even the wind stopped moving for a second. The sun felt cold for a millisecond.
"I don't think you're that greedy, or self-centered Court." Courtney looked at Duncan, who finally was able to formulate a response. "At least, not when the cameras are on."
Courtney could feel nerves making her hollow, eating her from the inside-out. It didn't sting, but it should have. Quickly, she was falling apart.
Finally, she spoke. "Do you remember that run we went on back during Island where we ran into that family of birds, and you put the babies back in their nest?"
She smiled pitifully at Duncan's face reddening. "Yeah."
"You're not a terrible person either. I hope you don't forget that."
They were looking into each other's eyes, only for a few moments.
"WRONG." Erupted from the third person sitting with them.
And suddenly, Courtney remembered that Chris was part of this too. He must have gotten so engrossed in their conversation he made a decision to stay quiet. Probably the first time he's ever done that.
The host started speaking again. "Duncan is not a good person, especially because he blew up my cottage. Why do people keep forgetting that?" Chris sounded genuinely upset.
"Well, considering all the emotional and mental torture and warfare you forced all of us to experience, it's common to forget about little events like that." Courtney immediately replied, rolling her eyes. To some extent, though, she was happy Chris spoke out, because if he hadn't, she had no idea how long she and Duncan would've been staring at each other.
The host scoffed, crossing his arms and turning away from both the former contestants. Courtney couldn't help but roll her eyes at the mini fit he was throwing.
"Anyways, shifting gears a bit!" His uncanny smile returned. "Speaking of all the moments the camera-crew didn't catch, unfortunately, let's chat about what went on behind the scenes, starting with Duncan!" Chris turned to the young adult, and Courtney turned her head too. "Start us off with talking about how you and Courtney even became close back in the first season!"
There was the familiarity of a nostalgic smile on Duncan's face. "There were a couple of nights we were both up late, 'cause we couldn't sleep. So, we would just walk around and talk, or go for a run together."
The brunette nodded her head in agreement, remembering those nights with vivid descriptions of the sound of the lake, the smell of pine trees and the feeling of sweat from the after-effects of the day's humidity.
Duncan continued speaking. "We still fought and argued, but there was never any real bite to our words. I dunno, we just realized how much more we had in common than we thought. It was cool as shit." He shrugged his shoulders, turning to Courtney.
"Yeah, I don't think there was any particular moment that I can pinpoint as when my mind finally changed, and I realized he wasn't as much of an Ogre as I anticipated. It was gradual, just over the couple weeks we were here together." She added on, looking to Chris.
Again, Chris was rubbing his chin. "So, where did things start going wrong? There are thousands of fans who want to know - where did it all start falling apart for one of the original couples?"
The way he was staring at Courtney, she assumed he wanted her to answer first. "I think when we were split up for Action. I already started having doubts, since he and Gwen were hanging out at Playa Des Loser before the million dollars was even a conversation. Those couple of days really had me on edge. The more scenes Geoff was showing me off-the-record of them hanging out, the more frustrated I got. On top of my lawsuit against you for my unfair elimination, I was pretty irritated."
She heard Duncan suck his teeth at the mention of Geoff. "That guy didn't know when to quit it, he was not a good dude for that." When Courtney looked from Chris to Duncan, he was crossing his arms. "For me, it was around the same time. I was like, 'damn this girl is psycho', but in a bad way. I've had my fair share of crazy girls, especially when they're crazy for me." Courtney couldn't help but roll her eyes at the quick smirk Duncan held. "Sometimes, it was like, when the cameras were around, she was on 1,000. I'll admit, there was a point I started talking to Gwen more as a release from the stress. And with Trent acting weird, she got me."
There was some humor in the fact they found one of the only other couples from Island experiencing something similar. Courtney chuckled. "We were so stupid."
The other young adult nodded his head, chuckling alongside her.
"And then everything really took a turn in World Tour, didn't it?"
The brunette smile sadly at Duncan's "Ha!" when the question was asked. "Taking the turn doesn't describe the mess of the second half of that season. You should've let me stay in London, McLean. Shit hit the fan."
"I really had trouble expressing how happy I was Duncan was back." Courtney spoke. "But at that point, it was already too late."
Her face changed to one unreadable, eyebrows downward towards the bridge of her nose. Even Duncan didn't respond to that, leaving a silence murmuring with tension.
Chris looked back to Courtney. "What was it like rewatching that episode, Courtney?"
She looked up at the sky, her eyes watching the sky move slowly, unlike the waves of the lake. "After it aired, I called Trent. I was so embarrassed and heartbroken, knowing that I was the cause of the kiss happening. I hated Gwen, hated her for seeing what I couldn't at the time."
"I felt like shit too." Duncan responded. His voice sounded like he was directly talking to Courtney. She turned and looked at him. "I hid it, because Gwen and I were like still a thing. But that final scene of you crying before you kicked me in the nuts was hard to watch." He hadn't been facing her but decided to for his next question. "What did Trent say when you called him?"
He asked a lot of questions about other men in Courtney's life. What they thought, how they were somehow related back to Duncan. It felt unnerving, like he needed to know everything that they had.
Her face probably expressed some form of confusion. She was never the best at truly hiding her emotions. "He told me, to some extent, that I wasn't perfect and part of that happened because of me. Which I already knew, but I really wanted to hear that it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it. That I was allowed to be angry at both of you, and I never wanted to see you again." There was some strain on her face, she could feel the wrinkles appearing on her forehead. "Why do you keep asking about Trent? And when you brought up Scott, what was the reason for that?"
Duncan raised an eyebrow at her. "Why does it matter? I'm just asking questions."
"But you're not the host, Chris is." Courtney pointed to the host, who was nodding his head in agreement. "And since you've been asking questions, I can too."
The former delinquent scoffed, leaning forward so his elbows were on his knees. "You're getting mighty defensive all of the sudden, Princess."
Courtney crossed her arms, her face reading annoyance. "Don't call me that. I'm not getting defensive; I've answered every question you've asked me. If anyone is getting defensive here, it's you. Answer my question."
"Last time I checked, you weren't the host either." Duncan retorted, using her words against her, only infuriating her more.
She shook her head. "Grow up for once, Duncan. If you're jealous, just say it."
That comment made Duncan audibly laugh aloud. "Jealous? Of Elvis? Dirty farm-boy? Oh, give me a break, what would I be jealous about?"
His laugh irritated Courtney more, because she knew he was forcing it and faking. The more she looked at Duncan, the less and less he looked at her. Courtney felt like clenching her fists, and ultimately, she did, uncrossing her arms. "You're jealous because they were there when you weren't. Don't think just because we aren't dating anymore, I still don't know you as well as you know me."
The response made Duncan pause faster than Courtney had ever seen.
"Remember how much you wanted me to talk to you while I was talking to Scott in All Stars, to the point where Gwen had to breakup with you? Or how about when every time you made some measly attempt to show you cared about me in Action, you ultimately ended up flirting with Gwen?" Courtney spoke sternly, trying her best to disguise her anger. "Trent made an effort, Scott made an effort. You didn't. Remember that."
Even Chris looked intrigued with how Duncan was going to respond to Courtney's claims.
Finally, Duncan blinked, and his face filled with anger. "You're gonna forget how hard I searched for who got you booted in Island? Or that stupid ass contract I signed? How hard I tried to get your parents to like me? What the fuck are you going on about, me not giving effort? Look in a mirror."
"If anything, I put in most of the effort to make it work." Courtney glared at Duncan, her voice rising. "Are you kidding me? I'm not even going to get into the details of that, use your brain." She briefly turned away from him. "I already apologized for the contract, or did you forget that too?"
When she looked back, his glare was matching hers. "Duncan," she began, "you made me so dependent on you. I called first. I texted first. I drove to you. It if wasn't in plain view for everyone else in the entire world to see, we weren't in the best place at the beginning of World Tour. I tried so hard to get you to stay, because I wanted to be with you and work things out." The more she spoke, the harder it was for the words to emerge without sounding bogged down by pressure. "Why couldn't you just try? Why couldn't you just breakup with me before everything that happened?"
Courtney sniffled, and that deteriorated any sense of anger Duncan showcased on his face. It was at the tipping point; it felt like a therapy session with the world watching. Throughout the interview, they both forgot at moments they were being recorded, filmed to be analyzed by the media.
"Courtney." He sighed, and though she wasn't close to him, there was some telling in his voice he was getting a bit emotional too. He hated seeing her cry; it was one of the few things that could destroy an argument between them. The fact it could get to a point where her stone exterior broke down, minerals in the form of tears breaking through.
"Why, Duncan?" Her vision was blurring, and more than anything, she felt embarrassment. This was happening in the presence of Chris McLean, and millions of viewers around the world. "I'm sorry my way of showing I cared was through my control issues. I really am." There was a hitch in her voice, right when she acknowledged some of her issues. God, this was awful. As much as she wanted to leave, she felt frozen in fear of mental retaliation.
When her eyes cleared of water, it looked like Duncan's eyes took the moisture and splashed them into his own. "I always forgave you. I did." Courtney wondered if Duncan's mom was watching. Or if her own parents were sitting on the couch, disinterestedly watching the interview on mute. "Court, Princess, you know that. I never hated you, I'm sorry. At -." He paused quickly, to rub his nose and his left eye. "-At the end of the day, I never stopped caring about you. I was scared. A fucking loser scared of shit when it gets serious."
And that was all Courtney could take, could hear. Within moments, she stood up and ran off, forcing her shoes through the warming sand of the Canandian sun, the sweltering of the sun's heat making her sweat but the warmer words her ex-boyfriend spoke making her cry.
Chris was yelling in the background, but there was no audible comprehension of his words. Duncan stood up, stuck in deciding to follow or to wait.
Courtney continued running off, past the communal and the confessional and the cabins and into the wooded area of the island. With every branch she tripped over, the other foot landed and allowed her to continue her journey in the forest. As she anticipated, her body led her to the 1,000-foot cliff.
She sat in front of a tree and quickly began sobbing, the despair in her body reverberating off the trees and off the cliff. Her body felt like it was shaking uncontrollably, and with every sniffle a headache was beginning to push its way through.
It was too much, being forced to hear words she should have never expected to hear. Duncan was supposed to despise her. He wasn't supposed to still care about her or forgive her. They were meant to be mortal enemies, forever in the cycle of disdain and anger and envy. He was meant to be a reminder of why she was so dissatisfied with herself; with every step towards self-peace, he disturbed it. Duncan's presence was altering her view of herself. Every conversation the two had, she was forced more and more to come with terms to the idea she was not as terrible as she made herself out to be. That she was lovable, admirable, and cared for. And these thoughts opposed everything she told herself otherwise.
She was human. And she wasn't supposed to be. Courtney was born to be hell itself on Earth, annoying and burning everyone to the touch.
The unnatural movement of bushes caught her attention. Quickly, she stopped and listened, to see if she heard it again. When she did, tears swelled in her eyes again. "Go away." She mumbled, and though it wasn't convincing enough to be scary, she still meant every word.
They kept walking towards her, as if there was a puddle of tears she left behind. Finally, they walked past the tree Courtney was sitting at the bottom of and turned around, sitting down in front of her.
"Please." Courtney pleaded, her voice pooling with agony and fear. There wasn't enough energy in her to stop tears from falling down her face.
"You know I can't do that Court." Duncan spoke, his fists closed.
She stuck her head in between her arms, her nose touching her knees. She stayed like that until her neck was sore from being uncomfortable with the position. There were too many thoughts running in her head to pinpoint one and fixate on it. Her emotions were blending back into each other, a whirlpool of anger, comfort, want, and pain circling in her stomach.
When she looked up, he was still there, watching her.
"Duncan, go away." She was slowly beginning to lose her voice, the slight strain in her vocal cords stretching across her neck. The tears were sticking to her face, cleansing the dirt stuck in her pores. "I don't want you here right now."
He didn't move, sitting cross-legged and looking up at the sky. "I'm trying harder."
The young adult's voice made Courtney's thoughts stop and look at him again. He still wasn't looking at her, his eyes focused on the sunlight poking through the trees on the cliff. They were too high up to hear the lake's movement, so they settled for the chirping of the birds and the chatter of the squirrels.
Courtney rubbed some of the dried tears off her face. "What?"
"I'm trying harder." He repeated. "I don't want to royally fuck up again and never get an opportunity to speak to you ever again. I don't think I can take it, personally."
The brunette sat, continuing to let Duncan speak. This was common between them - when they knew how private their conversations could be, over time, Duncan would speak more like a person with emotions. He opened up to Courtney, and she tried to shine a light on the shadows stuffed inside his heart.
He was bold, hardheaded, self-centered, and dangerous. Duncan hid his emotions because he was afraid of feeling weak, so he held them in until it was too late. Of course, he had his bursts of annoyance from time-to-time, but Duncan was so petrified of trusting someone with who he really was.
Duncan was like Courtney in that way. He thought of himself as a monster, as undeserving of love. It's why he didn't fight his charges when he went to prison or put any real effort behind fixing what was broken. With the way he was raised, especially by his father, he was born to be a loser. A nobody. A constant lesson to younger kids of how to not grow up and live.
"I thought about so much when I was in prison. Sitting around all day doing nothing fucking sucks. I wanted to write a letter to you, but I didn't know if you were still living with your parents. Sometimes, I wondered if you still kept the skull I made you, and if you would accept a new one." He continued looking upward, like his future was achievable walking that way. "I figured you'd probably throw it all out, since you hate my guts."
"I don't hate you." Courtney interrupted his spit balling. Though, she wasn't really sure if he was spit balling or if this was calculated, something he had been wanting to get off his chest. "I still have the skull, too."
He looked downward and finally his eyes met Courtney's for the first time.
It was never about just herself, Courtney realized. Her stomach sunk, and her eyes teared up again. Of course, it never was. Why was she here again? For Bridgette, Trent? To some extent, she was. Heather and Cody and Sadie and Ezekiel? Yes, of course she wanted to make amends with everyone. She realized how much effort was required, and that not everyone would be OK with providing forgiveness so easily. But they were - people were giving her a chance again. Take the time out to look back and realize they were psychologically damaged individuals, wading through a life post-trauma.
The other day, she overheard Cody talk about how he still has nightmares from his injuries throughout the show. Even Geoff still pauses when he and Bridgette go out together, body still recoiling from Alejandro. They were all people who were affected by the events that took place while they were being filmed. A lot of people assume most of it was scripted; to which, they all respond it wasn't. How could it have been? They were underdeveloped teenagers still growing and learning about the world around them. Knowing she was part of the trauma some people carried weighed heavily on her shoulders, and Courtney was so glad the people she hurt the most were willing to move on and make amends.
But Duncan, it was always going to end up being about him, wasn't it? No, not just him. Both Courtney and Duncan, and their relationship and what remained. Everyone wondered how the duration of their stay on Wawanakwa was going to go. If the fights would continue, or if there was going to be silence instead.
There was a third option, a path no one expected. A path towards some reconciliation, working alongside each other.
As Duncan moved his eyes to look at Courtney, she realized it was about them.
He was her biggest challenge, her widest obstacle, her tallest mountain to climb over. Duncan was the closest thing Courtney had to something; he was her confidant, her friend, her special piece of the Island she took everywhere she went because he never truly left her.
"You do?" He asked, but it almost felt like a whisper.
It made part of a smile appear on her face, her lip curving upward. "Of course, dummy. I told you before, I don't hate you either." Her smile disappeared. "I thought a lot too, after the last season ended for us. I spent so much time stuck in my own mind - I still do sometimes."
"You're tearing yourself apart."
"I know. So are you."
They were looking at each other, neutral expressions on their faces.
Courtney broke their brief silence. "I go to Trent because he understands me."
"I know he does." Duncan agreed. "I just didn't realize how far back that went."
He looked away from Courtney, clenching his fists again before unclenching them.
The brunette sighed, leaning forward and lightly touching the top of Duncan's knee. He looked back at her. "You understand me too, Duncan. In a way different than anyone else. You know every bit of me."
She wasn't sure whether she should move her hand away or not, so she kept it there as a form of comfort.
Duncan sucked his teeth. "But I wasn't there when you needed me to be. I knew how much you were hurting, and I pretended I didn't care."
"It's all over now, Duncan."
Courtney removed her hand from his knee, and he looked at it like he wanted to grab it and place it back where it was. "That was in the past, remember? We talked about this."
He breathed outwardly. "I know, but Chris just brings out the worst in me. Maybe it just didn't register you forgave me until now. I don't know." Duncan shrugged his shoulders lazily. "But you said it, so I should believe you, and I do."
"I believe you too." Courtney responded, and she did. A lot of these battles she fought internally. Never once did she ask anyone else for what they were thinking. Courtney just made assumptions and based them off of the past.
The past is the past, and what is done cannot be changed. It is up to her to motivate the present to become a past she enjoys and influence a future she is excited for. It'll be hard remembering these things, but she knows it can be accomplished. Even with Bridgette and Trent helping her Courtney has to realize at the end of the day, the desire to change the way things currently are, have to come from internally.
And that's what makes everything so hard. She isn't sure what her future is supposed to look like. Where does she start? By calling her parents, writing in a journal? If asked where she would be in five years, Courtney's original answer would be rotting away in her bedroom.
The more she thought about it, the drowsier she felt. Her eyelids grew heavier. She fell back into the tree supporting her back and leaned her head back, so she was looking past Duncan and up to the end of the cliff. Maybe she would fall asleep here, and never wake up, letting the trees and the grass grow over her. This was one of the longest mornings she'd ever experience, and it was barely one in the afternoon.
"Hey." A voice broke through the misted thoughts Courtney was running through. Her onyx eyes looked away from the cliff and back onto Duncan, who was looking at her with layers of concern. "Are you okay?"
Courtney tried to nod her head, but it ended up being closing her eyes slowly and opening them again. "Yeah, just tired."
She provided a smile devoid of any effort and stretched her legs out. Afterwards, she laid her hands on her lap and folded them.
It felt like it was in the back of her mind, but Courtney swore she heard Duncan chuckle.
"What's so funny?" She asked, opening an eye to confirm her suspicions. She stayed still, not moving from the short timeframe of comfortability she would receive.
He shook his head and continue to chuckle. "How do you manage to still sleep like that, after all this time? What are we, in school?"
This time, she opened both her eyes. "It's not funny Duncan, it's how I relax." She couldn't help but smile the more he kept laughing.
Eventually, they were both laughing. Courtney had unfolded her hands and crossed her legs, covering her eyes with her hands so she wouldn't cry laughing. "Knock it off, Duncan!"
"Knock what off?" He could barely get out the words, covering his face with his right hand while his body shook from laughter. "You look like that celebrity from that one reality TV show who sat in the bed with sunglasses on - I can't help it!" He started cracking up, unable to hide his face any longer.
"Are you talking about New York?" Courtney asked, looking at Duncan humorously.
"No, I'm not talking about the city. Are you smoking crack?"
And then they both started laughing all over again. Though it disturbed the peace of the forest around them, their bubble was perfectly impenetrable.
Duncan was holding his stomach with both of his hands, trying to stand up but being unable to. Courtney was leaning forward, her right hand covering her eyes again to push back the tears from laughter. She moved her hand to cover her mouth, but the echos of her laugh were obviously apparent. There were points where neither of them could breathe, having to desperately breathe in air to continue living.
By the time either of them finished laughing, several minutes had gone by. Courtney could barely remember what they started laughing over anymore. She rubbed the corners of her eyes, wiping away tears again. Though she was still giggling, she was calm enough to begin relaxing again.
Her drowsiness was long gone. As matter of fact, she hasn't felt this much energy since the first day of her arrival to the Reunion. Though there was evidence over the past week of Courtney beginning to regain pieces of her old, energetic self, this was the most pointed event.
The party two nights ago Duncan dragged her to was enjoyable, and she spent a lot of the time talking to DJ and Bridgette and the BFFFLs. There were even a few moments she found herself with Duncan, and they kept the conversation reserved and casual, only talking about the party. Courtney wasn't aware Duncan and Trent had talked earlier that night, nor was she aware of how Duncan found her in the first place.
Blinking, she glanced up and Duncan was standing over her, holding out a hand to help her stand. He had his signature smirk on his face, though Courtney would argue it looked a bit more genuine than what the filming showed.
She briefly held his hand for the third time that week, using most of his strength and some of her own to stand. "Thanks." She commented, wiping off the bottom of her back and her bottom to get off any dirt stuck to her clothes.
"No worries." Duncan put his hands in his pockets, looking at her. "Ready to face Chris?"
Though it sounded like it a question, it felt more like impeding dread. "Unfortunately, I guess we have no other option."
The two began walking back down the cliff and towards the campsite. The walk was primarily filled with silence, with the exception of Duncan's curses filling the air every time he tripped over a branch or a rock. That would lead to Courtney smiling and letting out a laugh, to which Duncan told her to "be quiet.".
For the first time in what felt like a long time, Courtney felt the stress on her shoulders grow lighter. She wasn't overthinking anything right now, and though the day started off terribly, it slowly began its upswing and became one of the most important days of the Reunion.
The campgrounds were mostly desolate of former competitors when they returned. While they walked, Courtney realized she needed to the bathroom. She wordlessly pointed to the bathroom, and Duncan looked at her before raising an eyebrow and smirking.
"Ew, you Neanderthal. I'm going to use the bathroom before we go back to the beach." Courtney rolled her eyes.
Duncan feigned dejection, but stood a few feet away from the female communal.
When Courtney walked inside, there wasn't anyone else in. She put her hands up in prayer, thanking some god, before walking into a stall and grabbing some toilet paper. Courtney walked directly in front of the sink where there was a mirror, and she wet the paper towel. Slowly, she rubbed any crust or dirt from crying earlier in the day off of her face. Even though her eyes were a little swollen, it wasn't as awful as she anticipated to look. She has seen better days; she has seen worse days.
Throwing the toilet paper in the trash, Courtney decided to wash her hands before she went back outside. This time, she really looked at herself. Physically, she looked the same. Her eyes were still as dark as a night sky, and her freckles were still placed around her nose like a painter wanted to show stars on her tanned skin. Her lips were still pink and full, curved upward into a smile.
Right now, she felt okay. This was a temporary feeling, as the world outside was scary and held grudges. No matter how she portrayed herself here, they would overanalyze everything and tear her into pieces and throw the leftovers over the ocean. But she tried her best. If there was anything she could be proud of thus far, it is that she has done everything in her power to prove to herself and the people around her she changed.
For now, all she could do was to force herself out of her comfort zone she surrounded herself in this past year. And so far, she thinks she's done alright.
Courtney dried her hands briskly and threw the paper towels out before stepping back outside. Duncan was still there waiting for her like he insinuated. He wasn't facing the communal; rather, he was staring off towards the beach where the camera equipment from earlier was still standing there and interns were running around.
He turned towards her once she started walking in his direction. "Ready?" He asked, waiting until she was standing in front of him before speaking.
"No." Courtney responded, a weak smile on her face. They both chuckled at the response, before walking together back to Chris.
When they arrived at the beach, Chris was standing with his arms crossed, yelling at an intern. The intern pointed a finger towards Duncan and Courtney, and he turned to face them.
"Well, well, well. Look what the cat decided to drag back in." Chris spoke, a sneaky grin on his face. It made Courtney grimace internally and begin glaring at him.
The host sat back down on his log, wiping dirt that wasn't there off his shirt. His gleaming smile re-arrived, and Courtney and Duncan hesitantly sat back down.
An intern began the countdown again, almost as if they were completely starting over.
Anxious, Courtney took a deep breath and looked away from the camera to where Duncan was sitting. He was already looking at her, and he smiled and nodded his head. It made her smile too, and the whirlpools in her stomach calmed down enough to change from a storming ocean to an undisturbed sunset.
"Welcome back folks to this Reunion special!" Chris greeted, throwing his hands out and one of the cameras panning out to show the forest in the background. "As you saw, we had a bit of an early exit from our two former lovers, Duncan and Courtney. But they're back, and ready to answer a couple more questions in this dramatic interview!"
There were cameras placed on both the former contestants. Courtney smiled as naturally as she could, waving at the camera again. Even Duncan gave the camera a quick wave and head nod, acknowledging the viewers for one of the first time.
Chris clapped his hands, bringing the attention back to him. "Alrighty, where did I leave us off at? Oh, that's right! The root of the inevitable end of your relationship - speaking of the end, Courtney did you know it was over for good after Duncan and Gwen started dating in World Tour."
Courtney thought about how she could answer this question. There was the truth, and then there was being honest to herself and everyone else. This wasn't the first opportunity she's had to lay all her cards on the table, but the options were the exact same. "Well," she began, "during the filming of the third season, absolutely. And even after that during All Stars, I wanted to get to know Scott and kind of left Duncan behind. Well, as best as I could. Cheating is one of those things that you think you'll never get over and can't forgive someone for."
"But you did?" Chris asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I did." Courtney shrugged her shoulders. "I've forgiven both Gwen and Duncan for what they did. It's a lot easier to do that when you realize how imperfect you are too. I didn't deserve it, but I understood how it all happened."
Chris pressed on. "And what about now?"
That was a great question. What about now? "Now." Courtney started, biting the inside of her mouth. "I'm not really sure." And she decided to leave it at that. There was a lot more to add on, and Courtney could've provided an intense detailing of her thoughts and what she truly wanted. But it was best to find a middle-place in-between telling the truth and being honest. At least for right now.
Despite the bored expression Chris threw in Courtney's direction, he didn't ask more questions to her and refocused to Duncan. "Duncan, my man. Did you see Gwen as your perfect partner once Courtney was completely out of the picture?"
Duncan leaned forward, so his elbows were sitting on his legs and his face was sitting in the palms of his hands. "Nah, not really. I mean like, Courtney was still on my mind during All Stars because everything with Gwen was too easy. I guess that makes me selfish." He glanced over at Courtney before he continued speaking. "I liked the comfort, but I missed the attention and the fire. I never really saw anyone as my perfect partner except Court eventually. And then that feeling disappeared for a while."
It was all said so casually it almost gave Courtney whiplash. It felt like Duncan went in an entire circle, his thoughts progressing until they surpassed where it should've ended and going right back to the start.
"So," Chris started, "did that feeling come back?"
The pause Duncan left was heavier than anything Courtney has ever felt. She hated this was happening in front of Chris, and all the viewers of the world. This felt like something that should've been private and locked away.
Instead of verbally answering, he threw his shoulders up similarly to how Courtney did for her last question. She guessed that was appropriate, considering it was the same thing she did. She shouldn't expect any answer for anything related to his feelings right now. Despite the past hour-and-the-half they spent together, they both still needed time to process the words spoken outwardly and the actions hidden for just them.
Courtney nodded her head while she looked at Duncan, her form of support and understanding and agreement. Things needed to slow down and be absorbed before any finality in their words were aired on international television.
"Courtney, do you even believe in perfect partners, or soulmates?" Chris asked, switching back to her. "And do you think Duncan is yours?"
For once, this felt like a question she was somewhat prepared for. "I do believe there are soulmates. I don't think it's as easy as looking at someone and immediately knowing they're the other half of yourself. The way I envision it, it's like having all the puzzle pieces but not being able to put them all together yet until it's time. You might need a brain break, or an evaluation of yourself and them. But it'll all come together eventually."
"And what about the second question I asked?" Chris pestered.
Courtney looked at Duncan, who was looking at her. "Do I think Duncan is my soulmate?" She repeated, looking at Chris for confirmation. When he nodded, she answered. "Maybe, who knows?"
hi everyone, hope you've all been having a great first half of 2022 :)
for some reason, the italics in this chapter wouldn't save after every time i saved my place. sad about it, but hopefully you all can envision where there was emphasis on words.
mini proud of myself for hitting 100k too, first time for a story!
i played a lot of candy crunch and listened to a lot of different artists this time around - this chapter was started way back in february and since then i've been adding pieces and chunks until i had the time to sit and write the rest. school is very time consuming!
sometimes i want chapter names to be more poetic, but i like the simplicity of them too. i think you'll see in this chapter and the rest of them until the very end, but a lot of the themes i addressed head-first in the earlier chapters are beginning to reappear and combine.
the meme reference can be found if you google "new york meme on bed" and as always, i didn't proofread. in addition, i don't own the characters i am (still) a big fan. hope you've all been enjoying the little world i've made.
please share your thoughts :) if not, maybe the follow button is more your style. but know i am so thankful for all of you reading my story for the first time or over and over again. your patience is not ignored, and i cannot full express my gratefulness. until next time my friends xx