A/N: Longer chapter, kinda got lost in the flow. I hope you enjoy!
Days go by and we fall into a routine. Peeta bakes, I hunt, and we eat together sometimes at my house and sometimes at his. We drop food off for Haymitch as well. Greasy Sae still stops by in the mornings, but she spends less time here seeing as I am in much better shape then when I first came back to District 12.
These passing moments with Peeta makes me more aware of him, since there was no real chance before even before we were reaped. I was so worried about getting food on the table I never let myself wonder about the boy with the bread. I had made a choice about never falling in love or having children, but I now know I was tied to him since the day with the bread.
I push these thoughts from my head, Peeta is my friend. Maybe in another life we could have been something more, but we are both so damaged from the past. Too much trauma, some that we relate in and some that we do not. I know he is the closest person that will understand my past because he was right there with me, even before I knew he was there because he was paying attention to me.
He pays attention to me now, but I know that it is not in the same way as before. Peeta deserves to fall in love and have as many children as he wants with a lovely wife at his arm. Someone who isn't as damaged as me. A pang of jealousy strikes, and I look up at Peeta. He is concentrated on decorating a batch of cupcakes. His tongue poking out as he focuses on making the beautiful designs. He must feel my eyes on him as he looks up and gives me a smile. I can't help but smile back at him. I look down at my cupcake. Peeta was so insistent on teaching me that I couldn't refuse. I notice that I have been squeezing the piping bag that the cupcake was drowning in icing, having been consumed by my thoughts.
Peeta chuckles and I huff, he went over how so many times. "I think it looks nice in its own unique way," he says sounding quite sincere at my terrible attempt. Probably trying to make me feel better. "You're too kind Mr. Perfect Cupcake Decorator," I say licking off some of the icing from my finger. Peeta laughs and finishes the cupcake he was working on. I grab mine and walk to the other side of the counter to look at his work. He had already decorated 3 other cupcakes and they all look the same, perfect. I place mine beside the others. "Y'know, if you ask me, I can't tell them apart," I say. "Not at all. No one will ever know the difference." Peeta says with a smile.
I laugh at this, it's moments like these that I love, where things feel normal. I allow it because I know it won't last. Especially when I know that once the moon is in the sky, I will have to retreat back home and face the nightmares. Not wanting this feeling to fade, I pick up my cupcake and dip my finger in the frosting and swipe some on Peeta's nose. He flinches back once he realizes what I have done. "Hey!" he yells out while I laugh, and he wipes away the frosting. "Two can play this game!" he says grabbing one of his cupcakes. He scoops up all of the icing and plasters it on my cheek. I feign shock while its his turn to laugh. His laugh is contagious, and I laugh right along with him.
Once our laughter dies down a comfortable silence takes over and we just stare at each other for a moment with goofy grins on our faces. "Here let me," Peeta says as he grabs a rag and begins to wipe away the frosting on my face. He is very gentle and takes his time focusing on the icing while I focus on his features. It has been some time since we have been in such close proximity of each other, but I still remember every detail of his facial features. I can clearly see his long eyelashes and how the light catches on them. His calm bright blue eyes that I have missed so much. The light freckles that scatter over his skin. My eyes flit down to his lips. The same pair of lips that I have kissed out of fear for my life. "There," he says, pulling his hand away. I make eye contact with him again and without thinking I kiss him. I feel him tense for a second and then gives in. I settle my hands on his chest and he hesitantly settles his on my hips. The feeling that I felt on the beach during the Quarter Quell comes back. I quickly realize what we're doing and jump back with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," I say in a panic. "Katniss it's o-," he starts but I cut him off. "No Peeta, please don't," I plead, not caring if I sound desperate. Knowing that the rejection that is going to follow would be too much to bear. "I'm sorry." I say again while walking past him, making my way to the front door. "Katniss. Wait!" he says and grabs my shoulder before I make it to the door. He gently turns me around and places both of his hands on my shoulders to keep me grounded. I stare down at my boots, not wanting to meet his eyes. "Katniss, please," he coaxes gently. He cups my face in his hands and lifts my head up with such gentleness that it makes me want to cry.
I hesitantly meet his eyes. I feel myself blush because of my current situation, of how stupid I am for kissing him. "I'm sorry." I repeat again not knowing what else to say. I break eye contact again, wanting nothing more than to be swallowed whole by the floor. Peeta starts to soothingly run the pads of his thumbs on the apples of my cheeks, I close my eyes at the sensation. "It's okay, you have nothing to apologize for." He says.
Sudden anger bubbles through me my eyes fly open and I step out of his reach. "That's just the thing Peeta! I have everything to apologize for!" I scream out in frustration. Tears threatening to fall down, but I will them away. Peeta seems to be stunned so I continue. "Everything bad that has happened is my fault! It's all my fault and I will never be able to take it back!" My voice cracks and I start to sob. Peeta takes a step towards me, but I take a step back and feel a wall. I lean against it as the tears start falling. "Things would have been so much easier if I would have just died in the first games like I was supposed to." I manage to choke out sliding down to the floor unable to stand any longer. I rest my head on my knees and wrap my arms around my legs as the sobs wrack my body. I hear Peeta move towards me and feel him settle down beside me. His arms wrap around my shoulders, making me lean against him. "Please don't think that," he whispers. My whole body shakes against him as more sobs come out of me.
He rests his chin on top of my head and starts run his hand over my hair. "Why don't you hate me?" I whimper out. "Katniss, I could never hate you. All of the bad things that have happened to us are because of the Capitol." Peeta says. I don't have it in me to argue, so I let him hold me while the tears keep falling. He whispers soothing words to me as he waits for me to calm down.
My sobs soon turn to hiccups and my breathing starts to even out, but I don't make a move to be released. I want to remember his embrace for as long as I can. I know that this time is limited.
After some time passes, I pull away, understanding that I must learn that this isn't mine, not anymore. I wipe my eyes then look up at Peeta and he offers me a sad smile. I return it.
"I'm sorry for all of that. I'm not sure what got into me," I say. Apologizing for the kiss and my outburst all at the same time. "It's okay, you don't need to apologize." He says. He reaches out and takes my hand in his and gives me a reassuring squeeze.
He lets go and stands up and offers his hand to me and I take it, letting him pull me up from the floor. He leads me to the couch, and he goes off into the kitchen. I sit there and stare at the unlit fireplace and think how I am the same. The girl who was once on fire. The only difference is that the fireplace will be lit up again to serve its purpose, but my flames would never return since I have lost mine.
Peeta returns soon after with some tea and offers it to me which I accept. The tea quickly soothes my throat after all of the crying and yelling. Peeta sits down next to me. We sit in comfortable silence for a while. I can see from the corner of my eye that he is watching me. "I was going to wait to tell you this, but Dr. Aurelius wanted me to tell you that he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone," he says. Before I can say anything Peeta speaks again. "I think he could help you Katniss. He has helped me quite a bit. Please, just consider it," he pleads with me and takes my hand once more, probably knowing that I was going to say no. The way he is looking at me with pleading eyes melts away any argument that I had in me. "I'll consider it." I say, quite not sure if I mean it or not. "Thank you, that is all I ask." He says, giving my hand a final squeeze and letting go.
Sometime passes and the sun starts setting, this is usually the worst part of my day when I have to retreat back to my house and face the night alone. I hate having to wonder what nightmare waits for me, my own personal hell.
I pass the threshold of my house and the silence is loud. The grandfather clock that I had broke coming into mind, funny how I can't decide if I miss it or not.
One thing is for certain, I do miss the life that this house once had. The one filled with Prim and my mother before the Quell. The hustle and bustle of the both of them making their concoctions. I will always remember Prim's delighted face when we first stepped into this house after Peeta and I won our first game. The brief sense of pride I felt that I was able to do this for her, one that was quickly squashed when I remember the price of winning this house. Twenty-two deaths. Even if they weren't all by my hand, I still count them as my own. Their death meant Peeta and I's survival.
I shake these dark thoughts out of my head and make my way upstairs.
I pass by my bedroom and stand outside of another bedroom door. One that has not been open in a very long time. I run my hand on the surface of the door, letting my fingertips brush the doorknob.
In this moment I realize that this house will always haunt me with Primrose Everdeen's ghost.
A/N: Thank you to whoever left the lovely review on the last chapter, I truly appreciate it! Until next time!