Flicker of Hope

Chapter 2 - Worry

Sam is driving along a dark highway, the Impala's lights steady on the asphalt, the street lights are spaced so far apart that they only aluminate a small radius surrounding it.

The darkness is almost ink back, there are no other cars on the road making Sam's visibility so poor he has to squint a little in order to see further, he turns his head slightly to see Hope sleeping soundly in the back seat, he smiles and turns back to the road to see a blur suddenly come out in front of him, he presses his foot on the break, the tires screech and because the impala is so heavy and wide, he knows that it isn't going to stop in time. The Impala hits the blur and then runs over it. "Shit!" Sam exclaims as he slows down and parks the car on the side of the road.

Getting out of the car, Sam walks a short distance and sees a sandy coloured dog laying sprawled on the road, his front leg is at a weird angle. He kneels down and pets the dog softly to feel its ribcage rise and fall. "Thank god" he says to himself "it's ok buddy... let's get you some help" He runs to the car, opens the passenger door, and lays out the old blanket over the seat, he runs back to the dog and scoops it up and lays the dog across the seat.

Getting quickly back to the driver's side he gets in and starts the car, charging back onto the road leaving a dust cloud in his wake.

Sam sits on one of the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room, Hope is in her capsule playing with a new soft knitted doggy that Sam found for her. She is content to just shake it around and babble to herself. He is more than grateful for her calm demeanour, he needs something to calm him at the moment, and her happy face seems to be the balm to his stressed out, barely holding on, mind. He looks at her and smiles as she babbles away at him "Really? What else did you do?" he answers her like they are having a conversation, she babbles back in reply and he chuckles.

The door to the veterinary office opens and a petite woman with brown hair comes out. "Sam?" She asks

Sam looks at her and stands "Yes, that's me" he says, bending down to check on his niece, who happily moves her arms at him like she's telling him she's to go talk to the vet, he then stands back up and gives the vet his full attention. "Sorry"

"The dog is going to be fine, he has a broken leg and bruising around his abdomen, so he won't be able to run around and play for a while but he is going to be fine, after some rest" She said looking him up and down noticing how tired and dishevelled he looked.

He gives her a small smile "That's great... he just… ran out in front of me, I couldn't stop" he said apologetically rubbing his hand over his face.

She looks at him disapprovingly "Well, you brought him to us quickly so you can't be all bad..." She smiles at him "He didn't have a collar on or a microchip, so we aren't sure who to contact" She said putting her hand in the pocket of her white coat and pulling out a note pad. "I'm assuming he will be going with you, we'll need to get your details so we can call you when you can pick him up" She said handing him the note pad and the pen from her pocket clicking it open.

"Um... I can't take a dog" Sam said bluntly. "I was... I was driving to... we were trying to find a place that we can settle down... Hope and I... we need a new start but I don't have a home... I can't take a dog without a home, a yard" Sam said shoving his own hands in his pocket, eying the note pad.

She looks at him sees someone who needs a little help "Well, here is a good a place as any to settle down, welcome to your new hometown, Kermit, TEXAS" She says tapping the notebook on his chest and a smile on her face.

"But... I... don't know what to do, I don't know where to go..." He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't really know where he is, whether this is a place he would want to bring Hope up but they were just driving around seeing where the wind took them. Maybe this was where they needed to be.

"I don't know your story and I don't need to know but you seem lost, you ran over a dog who was just as lost as you and now he's hurt, he needs to be looked after. I say you found each other when you both needed it" She said and this time when she handed him the note pad and pen, he took it.

He couldn't believe he was going to adopt a dog, on top of everything else, his life was changing so rapidly that his head was spinning. He would have to find a house and get a job, become Mr Joe Normal, which Dean would hate and bitch at him about. This was all happening so fast and if he was completely honest with himself, it could not happen fast enough.

On one hand his brain was having trouble processing this whole situation, losing Dean was a blow, a blow that you'd think he was used to taking, he would never get over it, no matter how many times it happened and on the other hand, he was relieved he had something else to think about, something sweet, honest and innocent to focus on, Hope had literally saved his life, maybe a dog was another source of comfort that he needed. He wrote down his mobile phone number, so the net could contact him and once he had found a place to settle down, he would start his new life.

Sam walked out of the real estate office with a business card and a list of furnished houses apartments that are happy to take families, pets, even single parents. He was a little stunned the agent was so helpful, he didn't have a job or any prospects but she had looked at him with a look that had only ever been directed at his brother. He assumed it had to do with the whole single father vibe he had when she saw Hope's adorable face and cooed at her. They got to talking about what he needed and he mentioned he needed a job and she started grilling him about his qualifications and experience and before he knew it he had a job interview at the local library/book shop.

By the afternoon, he had a part time job and a fully furnished townhouse all under a Sam Campbell. He couldn't fathom how his life had changed so dramatically. He placed Hope back in her car seat and folded the pram and slid it onto the back seat. Sitting in the driver's seat of the impala, he took a moment before starting her up. Sighing he said "Well Hope, it looks like we have a home town… what do you think?" he asked the baby through her reflection in the rear view mirror.

Hope babbled back to him and at the end she clapped her hands as if she was telling him how excited she was. "Alright sweetheart lets go see our new house" he said and started the car, he followed the agents instructions and about 20 minutes later he was parked out the front of a small white single story townhouse with an awning for the Impala on the left, a front yard that he would have to mow and a blue front door.

He got out of the car and went to pull Hope out of her seat. He picked her up and placed her against his chest, his large hand holding her securely and slammed the car door shut. He pulled the keys out of his pocket and walked the short distance to the front door. He peered into the window and was pleasantly surprised by the new looking furniture. He put the key in the lock and walked through the door looking around. The room was fairly spacious with two couches in an L shape in front of a large flat screen TV. "Wow, this is nice" he said and he walked further into the house towards the kitchen which had all new appliances and marble counter top. He was a little worried that perhaps the real-estate agent had given him the wrong keys, this place was really nice and he didn't think she was charging him enough.

Hope made noise and he looked down at her face, she moved her lips into a pout "ooooowwww" she said in a wondrous way, like she was amazed at how nice the house was too.

Chuckling he said "Yeah Sweetie, I know it's pretty nice isn't it?" She clapped her hands softly in affirmation. "Do you want to live here… with me?" he asked her kissing her forehead.

She clapped her hands again and placed then on his checks, she babbled softly to him and made a kissy face. Sam chuckled and kissed her again "I want to live here with you too, let's go and check out all the rooms and then we can have lunch" he said to her and they walked through the hall and into the three bedrooms, one with an en-suite was the master bedroom and the smaller one beside it was perfect for Hope's nursery. The third bedroom was earmarked as Sam's office and Hopes play room. There was already a large desk with draws and a large leather office chair and a large space where Sam could buy a play centre for Hope so he could an eye on her while he was working.

The bathroom and laundry rooms where past the bedrooms and the double glass sliding doors to the backyard was off a large living room area. Sam could almost picture them living in this house, the two of them having dinner at the dining table, watching movies together and Hope growing up knowing that Sam would always be there for her. Sam's eyes grew misty as his thoughts went back to his missing brother and everything that he was going to miss. A small hand touched his face and looked back down to Hope's understanding face. "Am" she said and he smiled through a sob.

"Yeah Hope, I'm your uncle Sam" he said and kissed her forehead again. "I'm going to look after you and give you the life I couldn't have… in this incredible house" he said with a chuckle.

"Blaaa!" she yelled out excitedly throwing her arms up in celebration.

"Exactly" Sam said walking back to the kitchen to start preparing lunch.

Sam was putting away the of the groceries in the cupboard and turned to see Hope in her baby bouncer and was struck by the domesticity of it all. This, was what he had once wanted, to get married, have kids and create this normal, safe life but it had not been in the cards for him. Fate had taken that away from him in the most cruel way.

The life he was trying to make for Hope was scarier than the hunter life. He had no plans, no book he could look up to tell him how to be a normal person, with a normal job, living in a normal house with a normal life. He had been a hunter for so long and had given up any hope of being normal a long time ago that the thought of him settling down and actually living his life, was a little daunting. He had very few role models for a good parent, his own father was distant and demanding, his brother was mother, father and brother all in one and a much as he appreciated everything that dean did for him growing up, this wasn't normal parenting.

He hasn't given up all parts of the hunter life however, one of the first things he did, once he had been given the keys to the place, was put up protective symbols, draw out devils traps, angel sigils, runes and any other spells and incantations he could think of all over the house in invisible ink and on himself and Hope in special blessed ink that Castiel had given him. He had also set up protective sigils around the whole property, like Bobby and Cas had shown him. He had contacted a number of hunters, angels and demons, telling them that no uncertain terms that he was untouchable and uncontactable for the foreseeable future, with a promise to mutually benefit everyone, that he wouldn't interfere, even if he caught wind of something going on.

What would his brother think now that he had practically abandoned hunting and everything that their family has sacrificed for a normal life. After everything they had been through and had sacrificed, he was allowing all the nasty, evil things that go bump in the night to hurt innocent people right under his nose. Somehow, looking at Hopes peaceful face, Sam had zero regrets about it.

Sam hasn't been sleeping properly, his mind isn't shutting down. Instead of worrying about getting Dean back which has gone on the back burner for now as he gets used to parenting. Parenting is a hell of a lot scarier and harder than anything he has ever done, even compared to leaving his family for Stanford.

Sam is now worrying about Hope 24/7 and not just if she is safe and happy, but whether he is being the best parent he can be. He has no idea what he's doing. His mind is a whirl with questions and guilt that he's doing everything wrong. He's used to worrying, to being stressed, but this seems so much more important than anything before, because it is all mixed in with loosing Dean. He isn't eating properly or drinking anything other than coffee. He tries to eat when Hope eats but by the time he's fed her, it's gone cold.

Hope starts to make a grumbly unhappy noise from her spot in her bouncer. He has come to learn that it was Hope's hungry noise. He gets out the baby formula and measures out the right amount, dumping it into the bottle then fills it up to the desired amount of water, he then warms the bottle up in the hot water he has bubbling away on the stove. He is struck again by how domesticated it is, how normal it is and he relishes in it for a moment.

The first time he made Hope a bottle she made a face and he realised that he had done something wrong. He wondered how the hell he could get a bottle of baby formula wrong, there were literally only 2 ingredients but somehow he had. He chuckled at the memory.

After a few minutes he grabbed the now warm bottle and the soft blanket he used for her to get to sleep and to feed and pulled her out of the bouncer. He sits on the couch and stretches out, Hope is laying on his chest as he puts the bottle to her lips and she starts sucking away. He likes the time he spends with her, she is warm on his chest and she smells like baby shampoo, her little noises as she drinks are soothing and he starts to drift off into a deep sleep.

He wakes up to Hopes sharp cries, she is wailing in his arms, her little hands are in fists, her eyes full with tears, her lips are trembling as she sucks in air between cries. He sits up, rubbing his eyes, he moves her so she is laying down in front of him, he hiccups and her cries get louder. He can tell she is uncomfortable so he checks her nappy, it's still dry, he doesn't think she is hungry as she was drinking her bottle when they fell asleep.

He takes a minute think then "Shit…" he whispers to himself, he remembers reading in the baby book he bought that babies need to be burped after they eat as they can get very bloated and gassy. "I'm sorry baby girl… I forgot" he says as he rubs her tummy gently, her cries die down a little but when he stops rubbing they get louder again, his head is starting to pound from the loud pitch of her cries.

He picks her up gently, her head resting near his left shoulder and he rubs her back gently, he hums to her a nondescript song and it seems to sooth her for a while but she is still crying unhappily so he stands up and starts to walk around the room, rubbing and bouncing her slightly as he walks around. He knows that if Dean saw him now he would laugh at him, weirdo while taking over and making her feel better.

After a while she starts to hiccup and then suddenly she makes a small grumbly noise in her stomach, then she belches loudly like his brother after a Chilli dog. "Wow baby girl" he chuckles, "your daddy would be so proud" he laughs a bit louder this time and soon he finds himself laughing uncontrollably.

The absurdity of the whole situation, the fact that this lovely, sweet little baby just burped like a trucker and the ever present tiredness makes him a bit loopy. When he and Hope are quiet again, he sits back down on the bed and Hope is looking at him in a way that reminds him so much of his big brother that he almost cries. "Yeah baby girl, your daddy would be very proud of you" he said smoothing down her hair.

"Da" she said softly in reply

Sam just about crumbles. "Yeah, that's your Daddy" he croaks out biting his trembling lip.

"Dada" she says again in a soft way like she understands why Sam is upset.

Sam grabs his phone from the coffee table and finds a recent photo of his brother "Here sweetheart, this is your Daddy" he shows the little girl who is looking avidly of his phone.

"See, he loved his job" he says as he scrolls to a photo of Dean smiling with another hunter and one of the monsters they had killed "He saved people… he saved me… so many times"

He flicks to another photo of Dean, resting against the shiny black 67 Chevy Impala "This is his Baby... well his other baby... you've met her, she's been with us through everything, growing up and after, when everything went to hell and back" he says tearily, "She's our home" and Hope puts her chubby little hand of his hand and he kisses her head in reply.

"This is your Daddy and me" Sam says with a sad smile "He was my big brother" she smiles "He taught me everything I know..." he stops and shakes his head "Just… not how to look after a baby" he says chuckling.

"Your Daddy was a formidable man, everyone respected him and wanted him on their team, on their side, I looked up to him all my life, he was just so strong, so good at everything he did... he was more intelligent than he, and everyone else, gave him credit for" Sam clears his throat, tears making his eyes blur, it's nice to talk about Dean, to think about him, not just to miss him or to worry about where he could be and the unspeakable things that could be happening to him.

"He fixed Baby with his own two hands" He looks down at his niece, her large green eyes were watching him, listening to him, content to just sit there with her thumb is in her mouth. "I just... I really miss him and it's going to be really hard now, not having him here to talk to, he was my brother but he was my best friend too" Sam was suddenly saddened by that fact, that he was really alone now. "Thank god, I have you baby... cause I don't think I would have survived" he said choked up.

"Ammy" Hope says softly to him and he smiles through his tears, he can see a little bit more light at the end of the tunnel.

—

Sam realises that Hope is thankfully the easiest baby to look after, she is a quiet and peaceful, she is one of those babies that can be put in her baby walker/bouncer or play centre and will just entertain herself. She doesn't have to see Sam every minute of every day to be happy. She knows he's there, in the next room or down the hall or even outside getting things from the car.

When Hope is unhappy, she screams bloody murder, she lets Sam know that she need her nappy changed, or she's hungry or windy or she's tired and only her Uncle Sam can sooth her. She has become accustomed to the tone of his voice, he talks to her when he is feeding her or when he was a book to her. She doesn't understand what he is saying, it's the tone of his voice.

He notices that she loves to go for rides Baby, she loves the rumble of the engine, the squeak of the doors, the rattle in the vents from the army man, shoved in it when they were kids. She loves when they walk out to the car, she claps her hands because she knows they are about to go for a drive. Every time she does something like that, he is reminded yet again that his brother has disappeared to parts unknown. It makes him incredibly sad and puts him in a sombre mood for hours at a time. Only Hopes smiley happy face can bring him out of it.

After 7 days, they pick up the dog from the vets, there are creams and medical and special food she has to eat, he gets a microchip for her with his home address and contact number of she ever runs away. He buys a dog bed and 2 bowls, dry dog food, a lead, and collar and a blanket. The dog lays down on the back seat, with the blanket underneath beside Hopes car seat. As Sam drives them home, he sees Hope putting her hand out towards the dog and she licks her fingers gently, Hope babbles back to her and dog nudges her hand. He is relieved to see they are getting along, in fact it is as if they can communicate.

The dog's name is Riot, after he gives her a bath in the back yard, she starts running around the yard like a whirlwind, like a riot. Hope approves as she claps her hands and squeals in delight. The dog is full of energy, Sam knows he has to keep up the walking but she is slow and gentle with Hope. Sam is incredibly relieved by this as it could have been disastrous if Hope was scared of the dog or if the dog growled at her.

They all seem to be a good fit as they learn about each other and how they interact with each other. Sam hopes that this feeling of happiness and contentment, isn't ripped away from him, like everything else. He doesn't think he would survive it.

The next day after putting the dog in the laundry room with his new bowls of water and dried food, Sam takes Hope to the day care centre across the road from the library/bookshop where he is starting his first day of work. Initially he hesitated leaving her with complete strangers, with his old life as a hunter he would never have trusted anyone, especially strangers with his niece, they could be possessed, or under a curse or a spell, but he reminded himself that they were safe now, that no one knew who he was or what he had done. However this only made his paranoia more pronounced. He would check every door and window in their house three times before he went to bed, he would sometimes drive around his neighbourhood, looking out for anyone suspicious before he drove into his driveway. Now that he was leaving his 18 month old niece with total strangers, he had vetted all the employees and researched the history of the building for no supernatural history.

Sam left no stone unturned and was pleasantly surprised that everyone came back squeaky clean. Well as squeaky clean as a small town could get. There were some parking fines, a college debt and a few divorces that would cause nothing more scandalous than gossiping neighbours. He passes his niece over to the centres manager along with her bag packed full of everything that he knows she can't live without.

Passing Hope over was harder that Sam thought it would be, Hope seemed content to be tickled by this new smiley person but Sam wanted to yank her away and take her back to their safe place. He knew of course that he had to go to work so he could earn money, to give Hope this life he was trying to create for her. He thought of Dean again and his smile slipped a little. What would Dean think of him now, domesticated and Dad like. He would laugh his ass off and this above all else makes him laugh as well.

Three hours later Sam is in his element, going through piles of books and cataloguing them, it was something he had always had an affinity for with his notes and study material at Stanford and later with his hunting documentation. He was always very organised, almost obsessively so and , if he had to be away from his niece for hours on end, then he could enjoy himself. Suddenly he heard a throat clearing and looked up to see the veterinarian standing on the other side of his trolley "Hey" Sam said with a smile.

"Hi Sam" she says " I just wanted to see how you were going, my friend from the real estate agency told me you worked here" She says as an explanation. Sam hadn't told her where he was going to live or work but he now assumed that she knew both.

"This really is a small town" He said with a small laugh

"It is… you can't keep a secret in this town… sorry Sam" She said replied laughing

"I'm getting that" he said in reply with a small smile, nodding.

They share a moment that Sam interprets as flirting, he knows that if he didn't have Hope to look after, he may make the effort and flirt back but he realises that his brain isn't into dating, that the idea of it makes him guilty. He decides to not encourage her advances. "Well Hope and I are doing fine so far… it's our first day apart so I'm a little stressed about it… I mean, I can't get used to not being able to see her or touch her… it's not easy…but I'm not the first parent to do this, so I just have to find a way to deal" he said a little flustered. He didn't anticipate being so agitated by leaving her at day care… he has had to stop himself from marching over there at least a dozen times.

"You're right, you aren't the first person to do this and you won't be the last… you seem to be doing alright so far" she says with a sweet smile "In fact, I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner, both of you of course, as a welcome to the neighbourhood" she says with a flourish as she grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze still smiling at him.

He looks at her shyly under his bangs and realises that she is flirting with him. His brother was always much better at this than he was, knowing when someone was interested, or flirting with him, at the moment he knew he wasn't ready to do relationships or even just a fling thing, not with his responsibility to Hope being new to him. "Um… maybe as friends.. we can do that" he said squeezing her hand back in reply but taking his own back trying to let her down easily.

Her smile wavered and she took a step back embarrassed "Oh, yeah, of course… as friends" she says disappointment in her voice.

"I'm sorry… I just… I'm not ready to start dating anyone right now, this parenting thing… is all so new to me… Losing my brother is SO hard and now my relationship with Hope, it's my number one priority at the moment and more than anything I really just need a friend... can you be my friend Amelia?" Sam asks as earnestly and sincerely as he can.

She looks at him and sees how honest he is being and knows that her clumsy attempt to pick him up was misguided and in the man's defence it really wasn't the best time so she knows that he isn't trying to be rude or mean about it, and that just endears him to her even more. "Sure… I can be your friend Sam" she says with a genuine smile.

"Excellent" he says with a smile and looks up to see the time on the clock "Hey, do you want to go have lunch?" he asks

"Yeah, actually, I'll take you for the best burgers in town" she says

He looks at her and is suddenly assaulted with a flash of Dean, enjoying a burger, his mouth full. "Alright" he says a little less enthusiastic.

She notices the change and decides to wait until they are sitting down to lunch for that question.

They walk out the library door, once Sam has told his colleagues he is just going out to lunch and the make their way down the street. It's a beautiful sunny day, the streets are bustling with people but everyone is friendly and chatty as they walk along.

Everyone seems to know the young veterinarian walking beside him and are interested in the new man with her. They are stopped multiple times on their walk with people giving their greetings or introducing themselves to Sam. He can tell he has become big news in the town and as soon as he mentions his niece, everyone is cooing and trying to set up play dates and offering him second hand playsets or clothes. By the time they reach the diner, they don't have much of his lunch hour left to eat. Amelia assures him that when the Librarian hears the gossip about the new guy working at the library, she will use his name to her advantage, he is a hot commodity after all.

Laughing at the situation he orders his lunch and they settle into a comfortable conversation. She asks him what he used to do before coming to their small town and he makes up a generic history or college and general handyman work until he started working with his brother. When she asks how he came to be looking after his niece he says that his brother died on a job and he was left as her guardian. It seems to roll of the tongue easier as it is close to the truth. He doesn't want to outright lie if they end up living in this town for a long time but he also knows that no one will belie him if he told them the truth.

After Lunch he returned to the library and at 3 o'clock practically ran to the childcare centre to pick up his niece. He chubby little hands reached for him when he walked in the door "Ammy!" she squealed and he kissed her on the check in reply.

"I missed you too!" he said and after saying his farewells, he walks them back to the car and once he has Hope in her car seat, he smiles to himself and gets in the car. He realises that the weird feeling he has in his chest is the spark of happiness. It had been a long time since he's felt it so freely, so openly that it took him a while recognise it.

The brothers had gone from crisis to crisis and hadn't really had a chance to really enjoy life or to even spend time together just being brothers. Hope seems to be opening him up to all these good things, these feelings of family and open affection, when he realises this is what he's feeling, he is a sudden mixture of renewed deep sadness that his brother is not there to enjoy it with him and immense gratitude that Hope has come into his life. She has literally saved his life in more ways than one and he is coming to realise, he loves her for it.

TBC