Flicker of Hope

Chapter 4 - Aftermath

Waking up to a wet nose right in the face was not what Sam was expecting but that's what he got. He and Hope had slept on the couch for a few hours, it was surprisingly comfortable, but at one point Sam took them both to his room, to sleep on an actual bed. He knew that after everything that happened the day before, that they needed to be close to each other, so he laid Hope next to him. Her little hand clutched his t-shirt all night.

Looking at the clock on the nightstand, he was surprised to realise, that they had slept for a full 8 hours. Hope must've been really tired, because she didn't wake him up to be fed or for a nappy change at all through the night. In fact the only noise she made was when he had to get up to let the dog out, she grumbled and started to cry a little but as soon as she saw his face, she relaxed and put her thumb back in her mouth. He looked down at her sleeping face, her thumb was still in her mouth, he tried pulling it out but she had a strong suction grip on it. He rubbed her cheeks gently, and he thanked whoever was watching over him that she was OK. "It's alright sweetheart, I'm right here" he said softly and she let out a big sigh and fell back to sleep.

He pulled himself from her grasp and stood up, stretching his back out. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes, he was still so tired, from the stress and fear he had felt, of losing Hope. She had become a beacon to him, a place to call home in his heart and could bare the idea that he could have lost her. He walked out to the living room, letting the dog out to do his business, then walked to the kitchen to make coffee, mostly to keep his hands busy and distract himself. He felt hot angry tears threatening him and he knew if he started he would be dragged back down into the darkness and all-encompassing sadness of depression that he carried with him everywhere he went.

He took a sip of his coffee, it was just the way he liked it, creamy and sugary but with a hint of caramel. When he moved in, he bought all his favourite coffee flavours. He knew Dean would make fun of his girly drink, he had even tried drinking it black once, right after Dean disappeared, he had wanted to feel a little closer to his big brother. His mind had gone straight to that lonely place where all he saw was death and darkness. The bitterness of straight black coffee eventually gave him headaches, which made him grumpy, snapping at everyone. Having Hope in his life made the little pleasures of life just a little sweeter and he found that he looked forward to them and even treated himself occasionally to a slice or two of apple pie when the craving caught him.

He had hoped that taking Hope out yesterday to the fun park, was going to give her a happy memory, but it was tainted by the unwelcome intrusion of 2 demons.

It had now been more than 6 months since Dean had mysteriously disappeared and for 2 of those months, Sam had been living a very different life, a civilian life caring for Hope. His life was very different 6 months ago, a fact that he contemplates every day. There were lots of little things that happen throughout the day that Sam will think 'Dean would laugh at me right now' or 'I never thought I'd be doing this', or even 'my life is so weird' he is both grateful and scared shitless that he is being so domestic.

The doorbell rings and he looks at the clock, it's only 7.30 in the morning. "who the hell could that be" he asks himself.

Walking barefoot to the door, he opens it and is surprised to see Amelia "Hey… is everything alright?" he asks warily.

Doing a double take at seeing Sam in a t-shirt and boxers Amelia clears her throat. "Oh hey, good morning, did I catch you at a bad time?" she asks batting her eyelids

"Well, it's early… I just wasn't expecting anyone" Sam says uneasily but he looks around behind her to make sure there isn't anyone lurking behind her.

"Yeah, sorry I'm an early bird" She says with a too big smile

"So… what's up" Sam asks getting irritated that she hasn't gotten to the point

"Oh right.. sorry.. I wanted to ask if you would like to go out for a picnic with me?" she asks flicking her hair out in a flirty manner and holding up a basket filled with containers.

Right, now he gets it, she's trying her luck with him, even after he said he only wanted to be friends. "Um.. well Hope and I didn't have the best night last night, she's not feeling well so.. maybe a raincheck?" he says politely

She blinks at him "Oh, is everything alright?" she asks in a not so honest sympathetic way putting her hand out, touching his arm and stroking it "Are you alright Sam?" She moves even closer to him, her cold hand still rubbing his arm.

Sam looks suspiciously at her "I'm fine, just tired cause Hope's not well… she's not sleeping, so I'm not sleeping" he removed his arm from under her hand and runs his hand through his hair, the lie is close to the truth "Riot is doing OK too, you can't keep him down long", he says and she steps forward a little more and goes to touch him again "We might just need to stay at home today" Sam says taking a step back and closing the door a little.

"Oh, ok then" Amelia says frowning "Are you sure? Maybe we can still do something inside, I have everything for a picnic, we can still do it in the house… it'll be cozy, just the 2 of us?" She asks smiling hopefully.

Sam looks at her and shakes his head and her audacity, completely ignoring the fact that Hope was there as well "Sorry Amelia, I just don't think we'd be very good company today, we'll probably just sleep and have soup or something" Sam says hoping she'll take the hint.

"I could stay and look after you, there is enough food in here to feed us all?" she asks smiling again bringing the picnic basket closer to the door. "You could probably do with a woman's touch" She said while stroking his arm and pushing her bosom into him.

"Sorry, Amelia... thanks but I don't think so" Sam replies shaking his head closing the door further.

"Are you sure? I think I could really make you feel better Sam…" Amelia moves her body so it's close to him, her boobs are right in his face. He doesn't know were to look, to give her the wrong impression.

'Yeah, no, we just need to get over whatever bug this is" Sam replied putting a little space between them.

"Oh… well, you can give me a call anytime" she says disappointed but hopeful "I mean, you need to have some fun too, don't you?" she says, grumbling under her breath. "Maybe we can go out some time, leave Hope with a sitter?"

Sam shakes his head "Maybe Amelia.… I'm just not up for anything at the moment, Hope needs me" Sam says politely but not really planning on calling her. "I just think we need to stay home and rest… just the two of us"

"Alright… well I'll leave the basket here for you… to give you both sustenance, soup won't be enough Sam" She offers and she bends down, and places the basket close to the door and then takes a step back, rubbing her hands down her slim body, obviously trying to get his attention.

Sam nods his head "Thanks Amelia… I'm grateful really" Sam give her a small smile.

"Bye Bye Sam" she says waving her fingers at him as she turns to leave.

As Sam grabs the basket and closes the door quickly, he is relieved that she's gone, he really doesn't want to get into anything with her, or with anyone really. 'Monk Sammy' Dean would say to him, teasingly. It's not that he wasn't attracted to her, if he was any other guy, in any other situation, he would have asked her out on a date, he just feels that he has to focus on Hope at the moment, for his health and sanity, he can't see himself actually dating someone and being a good 'parent' to his niece.

Sam looks out the window and watches Amelia walk to her car, her shoulders slumped, on her phone and talking to someone animatedly. Sam sighs and thinks she was probably gossiping about him 'great' he says to himself softly, that's just what he needs, to be gossip fodder with everyone in town.

He walks away with the picnic basket in tow and sighs, he shouldn't care about gossip but now that he has an actual home, he doesn't want that kind of exposure. He doesn't want anyone to question why he is there or why Hope is with him and try and take her away from him. Growing up there was always a fear that CPS would come after him or his brother and sometimes they had to leave town because people asked too many questions about their father and why they were alone.

He puts the basket on the dining table and starts looking through the containers. He is suddenly hungry and because he hasn't gone grocery shopping, they only have a loaf of stale bread and some questionable orange juice in the fridge. He pulls out a quiche, some sandwiches and some fruit salad and his anger at Amelia abates just slightly.

After lunch Sam lets Riot outside and takes a clingy Hope outside with him and they sit on the large lounge outside. He lays back with Hope laying on his chest, thumb in her mouth, watching the dog play around the back yard. Sam enjoys the sunshine coming through the trees and the sound of their leaves rustling. He closes his eyes a moment and when he opens them, he sees Riot covered in mud and leaves, the rustling he heard was Riot chasing something in the bushes. He is filthy and needs a bath before Sam lets him back in the house. Sam gets up and places Hope on the lounge as he grabs the dogs collar "You are having a bath buddy" Sam says to the dog who barks back.

With a bucket and the hose, Sam gets to work wetting the dog and getting the soap ready and rubbing the dog, getting him all foamy, from head to toe.. Hope is in her little walker that keeps her standing up, able to watch them, she claps her hands and smiles. She is incredibly clingy since their little run in with the demons and has separation anxiety from Sam, she starts to cry and her whole body shakes like she's vibrating, Sam is a little worried when Sam has to go back to work, that little Hope won't be able to cope.

Suddenly the dog starts to shake and soap and water goes everywhere. Hope squeals in delight and Sam is pushed over onto his butt as the dog takes off and runs around the yard. Sam tries to run after him but falls down on his knees on the dirt, small rocks digging into his knees. As he starts get up to run again to catch the dog, he trips and lands sprawled out on the grass. He lays there for a second, rolls over on his back and starts to laugh when the dog comes right up to him and licks his face. "Thanks alot!" he says amused.

Finally he gets a hold of Riot and rewashes him, holding onto his collar the whole time. He rubs him down with a towel afterwards and releases him to run around and dry off in the sun. Sam finally sits down on one of the steps with Hope in his arms and sighs. He has struggled with everything he has had to do to make Hope happy, everything from washing the dog to changing Hopes diaper, has not come easily but as he sits there, he realises that he has enjoyed every minute of it.

The next few weeks go by quickly, Sam is so busy at work with new books, stocktake and the library, that on Friday his colleagues have to practically drag him out the door asking 'Don't you need to pick up your little girl?'

Sam was so worried about forgetting Hope and leaving her alone, that he abuses the speed limit just to get there on time. The girls at the front desk always looked so falsely sympathetic and made him feel like he was failing in his duty at care giver/father figure. He didn't want their sympathy or their pity. Sam noticed the looks and whispers from the other parents at day care and even his colleagues gave him sympathetic looks. He was doing the best he could but being a single parent (uncle) was hard.

He was sitting in the diner with Hope one Sunday and when the waitress came over to him and asked him how he was doing in a gentle tone. "I'm fine, Hope is fine… why is everyone acting so weird?" he asks angrily.

The waitress stares at him for a moment, blinks her eyes then says "Oh, I… I'm sorry…. I just…. Amelia said you…"

"What? What did she say about me?" Sam asks his eyebrows furrowed

"Oh, um… she said that the last time she spoke to you, that you seemed little…. weird and shifty like you were hiding something" She says hesitantly

"What?" Sam asks incredulously "I'm not… Hope wasn't feeling well and... I didn't get much sleep… " Sam said with anger flaring in his eyes. "I just wanted to be left alone"

"Yeah… um… I'm sorry" She says stepping back looking a little scared by his reaction "Amelia said that you wouldn't let her in to help you and that she was a little worried about Hope… that you were struggling to look after her and that you seemed like you were on something"

"Oh my God, I'm not on anything, I've never been on anything, Hope is fine, we just needed to get some sleep. I can't believe she said that" Sam said incredulously. His past humiliating failures and addiction with Demon Blood is not something that anyone needs to know about.

"Amelia was just worried… we all are, I mean if you can't look after Hope because you have some addiction, there is no harm in asking for help if you need it Sam…"

"Wow, Ok… Thanks… um, Sandy is it?" Sam says smiling at her. It really wasn't her fault but the rumour was spreading and if CPS got wind on of his supposed drug addiction, he may lose Hope. "Don't worry, I'm fine… but Amelia won't be" he whispered the last part so the waitress didn't hear it.

Sam got up from the booth, collected Hope and her bags and made his way out of the diner with all the patrons staring after him.

He couldn't believe that someone would make such an assumption and then tell everyone.. this sort of thing could get CPS involved and possibly take Hope away from him. That.. was happening over his dead body.

Knocking heavily on the door in front of him, Sam grew more frustrated the longer he had to wait. He knocked louder and harder than before and peered through the window to see if Amelia was there. He turned to check her car was definitely in the driveway, the lights were on inside and he could faintly hear that the TV was on.

Sam knocks on the door again and yells "Amelia, I know you're in there, open the door please, I need to speak to you!"

A minute passes, he knocks again. "Come on Amelia… I'm not leaving until I speak to you so you better open up!" Sam yells out to her through the window.

Suddenly the door opens a crack "My god! Will you stop! My neighbours can hear you" she says in a whispered yell.

"I don't care about your neighbours Amelia, why are you telling people that I'm 'on drugs' and that I was struggling to look after Hope!?" he asked angrily using finger quotes "Do you know what could happen if… if someone tells CPS about this, if they think I am taking drugs, they could take her away from me" He says the last part in a whisper.

Amelia looks at him and he shoulders slump. "Shit.. I didn't think of that… I'm sorry Sam but you… I really like you… but you just keep…" she stops herself from answering. There are only so many times you can be rejected.

"And me not wanting to go out with you… that gives you the right to mess up someone's life? Hope is all I have… she's my family now… If they come and take her away…" Sam looks away, tears appearing in his eyes with each word.

"I'm sorry Sam… I swear I didn't think..." Amelia says

"That's right you didn't think" Sam replied angrily

"I just… I really like you Sam and you… you just pushed me away" Amelia said timidly

"Because I'm not interested in any kind of relationship with you Amelia, or anyone for that matter…" Sam says sadness overwhelming him. 'If they take her away because of what you've done…" Sam leans towards him in a calm but menacing way "I will come after you" whispered to her.

"I'm sorry" She said with tears in her eyes. "I was jealous and stupid" she says quietly

"I just wanted to be your friend.. I needed a friend… and I hoped you could be that friend but now… I don't know if I want you anywhere near me… or Hope…" Sam said shakily

"I really am sorry… I want to be your friend too Sam… maybe more than your friend… I just got carried away" Amelia practically begged as she wipes her eyes

"I don't think I can do that Amelia… " Sam said adamantly, he starts to turn away but he looks back at her sad face "Give me some time" He says and turns and walks back to his car.

Hope was more than a little upset the first time he left her in day care after their period of self-isolation and was particularly clingy when he picked her up at the end of the day. Not that Sam was complaining, because every time he saw her smiley face and chubby little hands raised towards him, he melted and would just bury his face in her neck, breathing in the now familiar smell of baby powder and something sweet. He found solace in her presence but at the same time he also needed something else, some way for him to be creative.

Sam had moments of melancholy when he was left alone to his own devises. He remembered his enjoyment of studying and learning new things. When he and his brother worked together as a team, he was the brain and the researcher of the duo, whereas Dean had always been the brawn, the strength and bravery of the Winchester brothers.

The highlight of his day, quickly becomes bed time. Sam has started borrowing children's books from the library in his lunch break and taking them home to read to Hope. Some of them are sentimental and hocky, and some of them are funny, there are even some that are educational, but Hope loves every one of them, she listens to him in rapt silence, her thumb in her mouth and is always ready to go to sleep when he closes the book. Sam isn't 100% sure if it's the story or his voice that she find soothing, but he takes it as a win when she closes her eyes.

An idea comes to him one night, while he sits in bed, after putting Hope to bed, a glass of scotch in his hand and his laptop on his lap. Sam had, in his past hunter life, always thought about writing a guide to the monsters, gods, ghosts and angels they had encountered throughout their extensive career, something other hunters could use as a reference. But now that he is out of the life, with his life having gone in such a completely different direction, that this whole experience, with his young niece and his crazy happy dog, would make a great children's book and something that Hope would enjoy. He opens a new document on his computer and just starts writing.

Surprisingly, the words come easy to him, he can see the story in his mind and it just flows out of him and onto the page. He starts smiling as he keeps writing the story about washing the dog, as it is so fresh in his mind. He hopes that Dean would enjoy it if he were there.

TBA.