Flicker of Hope
Chapter 6 - Return
3 days later, Sam drops Hope off at the childcare centre on Saturday as early as possible and calls in sick to his shift at the Library, he is both sick to his stomach with worry and jittery with anxiety that he may not return to pick Hope up, that she will be left alone and will grow up as an orphan.
He drives out slowly to the old hunting cabin that he and his brother had used while laying low when the Leviathans were wreaking havoc and parks the Impala in the wild brush that has become overgrown in the vacant lot behind the cabin and cautiously moves towards the back veranda, looking around as he uses his lock pick to open the door. Stepping into the dark room he closes the door softly then when he turns to star checking the room for intruders or traps, he is knocked to the ground, salt is thrown over him, water slashed on his face and then a knife slashed across his arm. He looks at the perpetrator and is shocked to see his brother looming over him. He freezes in shock as he looks at the man in front of him. He smiles in relief then frowns when he realises it's not the Dean from his memory, this Dean has a hardened edge and a menacing look on his face, his muscles are tightly coiled, and his skin is pale.
"Whoa! Hey… Dean?!" Sam asks softly, his hands up in surrender like he's talking to a spooked animal, the shock of seeing his supposed dead brother running through his veins like ice water, Dean quickly splashes himself with salt, holy water and slashes his own arm with a silver knife, the actions familiar from a time long ago and Dean's return was just as shocking.
Dean moves away from Sam now that they have both been checked "Hi Sam… did you miss me?" Dean said with a sarcastic growl.
From his place on the floor, Sam doesn't take his eyes of his brother, not blinking "God… you have no idea" Sam says rushing forward and grabbing his brother into a tight hug.
After a minute, Dean pushes him back "So… "Dean asks taking a few steps away from him.
"So how… how the hell are you here?" Sam asks still in shock, sitting up, realisation hitting him "How did you know I was here?" Sam asks, a million questions flash8ing in his mind. Was it Dean who has left that note for him?
"It's a long story but… I was in Purgatory" Dean says mater of factly
"Shit… really Purgatory, for the whole year?" Sam asks shocked
"Yeah... I guess when Dick exploded, he took me and Cas with him" Dean replied flatly
"So, were is Cas?" Sam asked looking around
"He didn't make it Sam… he just… didn't make it" Dean replied shaking his head sadly
Sam looks at his brother, his eyes glassy "I'm so sorry Dean" Sam says sympathetically
"What about you Sam, what have you been up to?" Dean asks, Sam can hear a hint of accusation, like he already knows but wants to hear it straight from him.
"Ah… after you disappeared, I couldn't get any answers... so I... I just… tried to keep going" Sam replied
"In that house of yours?" Dean asks knowingly
Sam wonders how long Dean had been following him around town "I ended up settling down in Kermit yeah" Sam replied hesitantly
"Kermit, like the frog?" Dean asks
Sam frows at him "Yes, Dean like the frog, no you idiot Kermit as in Kansas"
"So… You what… You quit hunting, just like that?" Dean asks contemptuously
"Yeah Dean. But not just like that… you were gone... Cas disappeared with you; Bobby was dead. I mean, I didn't have anyone left" Sam replied hurt and sadness colouring his words
"So you just turned tail on the family business?" Dean replied giving him another hard stare.
"I didn't exactly have a family left Dean… everyone was dead, it was just me" Sam replied defensively
"I wasn't dead. In fact, I was in purgatory fighting to live, like we always do" Dean replied "Or I thought we did"
"Yes, we do, Dean, and as far as I knew, what we always do, is exactly what got every single member of my family killed. I had no one. NO ONE, do you get that. For the first time in my life I was completely alone, I didn't know what to do and I couldn't exactly do the job on my own, so I got in the Impala and drove" Sam said angrily
"After you looked for me, right?... You did look for me right, Sam?" Dean asks accusingly
Sam was silent for a moment not really knowing how to answer his brother, of course he had tried but his brother had already made up his mind that he had abandoned him.
"Oh yeah, that's good. No, we always told each other not to look for each other. I'm glad this time you took that to heart, instead of doing something stupid like risk your life for me... yeah thanks, I really feel needed" Dean threw back at him.
"I'm still the same guy, I still love you, I still missed you like crazy and I still thought about you every damn day, but I had other priorities" Sam replied
"Oh, well good for you!" Dean said with a growl
"Dean, look I… I know it looks bad but I had something important to do" Sam replied
"More important than me you mean?" Dean said
"Dean…" Sam started but he was cut off
"No Sam, I fought to get back to you, literally fought for my life and you were off doing god knows what" Dean glares at Sam "I can't believe you ditched me, did you just not care is that it?"
"God, No Dean, of course I care, it took me more than a month to even get out of bed, I didn't ditch you… in fact I…" Sam stopped himself
"You what Sam?" Dean growled still so mad, madder than Sam had ever heard him.
Sam sighed and looked away, not proud of what had happened "I almost... followed you… wherever you went… I didn't have anyone Dean, my mind wasn't in a very good place for a while, so one day I just… didn't want to keep going" Sam replied remembering the feeling of just not caring anymore
Dean shakes his head in disbelief "That would have been the coward's way out"
"No, it would have been the best thing for everyone…. I didn't want to live anymore Dean don't you get that?" Sam replied his emotions bubbling to surface
"Yeah, I do, but after what I went through it sounds like a cop out" Dean said resentfully
Sighing again Sam looks away from Deans hard stare "I didn't spend the whole time looking for you but I did try, no one would tell me what happened, what the hell was I supposed to do, I hit dead end after dead end, I tried demons, angels, even a reaper and got nothing"
"I get it, you tried, then it got too hard" Dean was not letting go of his anger for even one second "You stopped caring, thanks a lot Sam" Dean said angrily
"No… never… I never stopped caring… but what was I supposed to do?" Sam asked with his arms out, his eyes wet.
"Not give up Sam!" Dean replied "You were supposed to do anything and everything to get me back… I went to hell for you damn it, and you just gave up!" Dean yelled, his hands fisted at his side, his face red with anger
Sam shakes his head in disbelief "I was living my own personal hell Dean... you may think I just gave up on you but I just didn't have anything left to live for… and then I had a visit from one of your old flings and she… she gave me an out... something to focus on instead of my failure" Sam said not looking at his brother
"And what was that? A new happy life without me?" Dean asked angrily. He hadn't felt like this since he had seen his brothers version Heaven without him.
"Yes Dean, a new happy life…" Sam replied sarcastically "Do you even want to hear what it was?" Sam asked defensively.
"I don't know man, DO I want to hear what you abandoned me for?" Dean said
San looked down at his shaking hands and nodded his head, he tried to hold back his tears, this reunion did not go how he had envisioned all these months. "OK fine" Sam said standing up angrily "You don't want to know about the fact you have a daughter and that I've been looking after her for months, that she literally saved my life… that having her in my life, a piece of you, was the only reason I got out of bed every morning… then fine, stay mad at me, I get it. I'll just leave then and let you stew in your own self-righteousness and superiority and I'll go back to parenting your child shall I" Sam practically ran to the door, yanked it open and stormed out, not listening when Dean called after him, his tone different now, full of shock, Sam got back in the car and drove away, kicking up dust and not looking back.
Sam parks outside his house and takes a moment to take a deep breath and to calm himself down. His brother had been so angry, reminiscent of his anger of Sam's addiction to demon blood. Dean had just assumed that the only reason Sam wasn't the one to get him out of purgatory was because he had just abandoned him. Sure Sam had run away in the past and had made some really disastrous choices but he had thought that his brother would have understood this time. His brother was so different now, obviously Purgatory had changed him and not for the better. Sam wasn't sure who this new Dean was, he was much worse than the Dean who had come back from hell, that Dean, Sam could handle. He didn't know what to do, all he knew was that he had to keep caring for his niece, even if his brother didn't want anything to do with them.
Sitting outside his house, Sam finally gets out and walks to the front door, he walks inside and leans against the door, tears suddenly spring to his eyes, he had missed his brother so much and now he was just SO angry that Sam doesn't think he will ever forgive him. The old feeling of guilt and shame, bubble in his chest. He has barely held himself together all these months and now that his brother was back, angry and ready for a fight, he was at the end of his rope. Whatever happened in Purgatory had made his brother a live wire and Sam's new softer, subdued life wouldn't survive it.
He walks into to living room to see Hope playing happily on the rug in the lounge area with the babysitter sitting in front of her, smiling and getting up. Sam had only hired his neighbour's daughter to look after Hope for the hour or so he was going to be out, thanking her and giving her the payment, he ushers her to the door, thanking her and closing the door behind her.
Sam didn't see the car parked across the road watching him, Dean sat and watched as his little brother with binoculars as he opened the front door, letting a young girl out. He stands waving to the girl as she walks down the street and as he turns back inside, he opens the door a little wider and Dean can see a child's pram right near the front door. Dean is more than a little shocked "Well Shit" his brother had been telling the truth, he had in fact, been looking after a child and that in all probability it was his child. Dean had some thinking to do.
A week later, Sam was having dinner at the small table in his kitchen, he is feeding Hope the last few mouthfuls of her dinner when there is knock on the door.
Sam walks slowly and cautiously towards the door, looking back at Hope. Sam looks through he peep hole and when he sees who it is, he slowly opens the door.
"Hey…" Dean says stupidly, looking at Sam with a small smile.
Sam just keeps looking at him, with an unreadable look on his face "What do you want Dean?" Sam asks harshly.
Dean was looking past Sam when a noise comes from further in the house, the noise of a child babbling "Is that her?" Dean asked softly, the angry growl from a week ago, completely gone.
"Yep, that's her" Sam said, his stance still defensive, his voice still flat. His brother had gone from 0 to 360 degrees emotions wise, in such a short time, he wasn't sure if he could trust it. However, his brother had a right to see his own daughter "If you want to meet her…?" He moves back a step leaving the door open, then turns and walks back into the house towards his niece, he picks her up and she puts her thumb is in her mouth and her head on Sam's shoulder. "This is Hope" He says to Dean, then whispered to his niece" it's alright, this is your daddy, sweetie…" he kiss her cheek trying to reassure her.
Hope looked up at Sam then over at Dean, she pointed at him and said softly "Dadda" and pointed at Sam "Yeah, that's right, remember I showed you a photo of him" her said smiling at her
"Hello, Hope" Dean said lamely waving at her. Wondering what his little brother had told her about him.
Hope put her thumb in her mouth and looked back at Sam for help "Why don't you come sit down and you can meet her properly, and you can see I wasn't lying" Sam said turning his back, moving to the couch in the lounge room, he places her on the couch sitting up, hands her a soft teddy bear and switches on the TV volume soft, and turns to make sure Dean has followed him. Dean was starting at Hope, his eyes wide.
Sam sighs and sits down beside her and rubs her back she points at Dean, then Sam again "Brodda" She whispers. "That's right, he's my brother" Sam said softly back to her, still rubbing her back in a calming way.
Dean is just standing in the doorway, watching the two of them, looking nervous "Dean, do you want to sit?" he watches Dean as he moves towards the couch not taking his eyes of his daughter.
"I… I don't know what to say" Dean said softly, it was such a contrast from the aggressive way he was before.
"I know… I wanted to talk to you about her a week ago, but you were just SO mad, you didn't exactly want to listen to me" Sam replied. He was done trying to explain himself, his brother had come back with all guns blazing and now Sam just wanted him to be here with the two of them.
"Look Sammy, I'm sorry, really, it's just that down there in Purgatory, it was kill or be killed, I'm on fight mode at the moment, so I was just a little… out of sync" Dean says sighing.
"I get that Dean, but I truly did try to find out what happened to you and no one wanted to help me… I was all set to run off a cliff… then I… Hope saved me" Sam said looking at his niece and smiling.
"So how did you find out about her?" Dean asked looking over at Sam "Are you sure she's even mine?"
"Yeah, um a woman named Crystal found me and she showed me the papers, her birth certificate and, truly, I can just tell she's yours…" Sam said chuckling
"What?" Dean asks with a small smile "How?"
"She loves your 80's music, and she always falls asleep in the Impala, she's sassy… really smart and a little protective of me" Sam says smiling.
"How old is she?" Dean asks looking back over at Hope who is babbling away in her rolling walker
"She's about 18 months old…" Sam replies fondly
"Wow… I just… I'm always so careful you know, I mean… I'm a little surprised… and I don't remember this Crystal… but then I don't remember the name of every woman I've been with" Dean replies chuckling, his brow furrowed, trying to picture this woman.
"She looked like someone you would go for, she reminded me of Pamela actually, a rocker chick, fiesty" Sam replied with a small smile.
Dean laughed a little and when Hope tried to move closer to Dean still babbling, looking at him with big eyes. Dean put his hand out towards her chubby outstretched hand "Dadda!" she exclaimed happily
"Yeah, honey, I'm your Dadda" Dean said to her smiling for the first time.
Hope looked over at Sam and babbled at him clapping her hands "Ammmy" she said squealed excitedly
Sam smiled at her, his eyes getting watery, she could finally get to know her daddy, she wouldn't have to be stuck with just him anymore. A broken man holding on desperately to a lifeline.
Dean smiles over at Sam, his smile dropping a little when he sees his sad teary puppy dog face. He knows that look, it's the look of inadequacy and resignation. He can practically hear the cogs running in his big brain. "Sammy… I'm… I'm not going to just… you'll have to keep looking after her while I get my head on straight" Dean looks down at his shaking hands, he links his fingers together to try to stop them.
Sam looks over at him, he seems so twitchy and if Sam was honest with himself, he wouldn't want Dean to take overlooking after Hope right now anyway. "I get it Dean, it is a lot to take in and trust me, it's overwhelming having to look after another human being when your struggling looking after yourself… she was the only thing keeping me going some days"
Dean nods his head; he hasn't told Sam half of what's happening with him and who he brought back with him. This whole thing probably isn't the best thing to be happening right now anyway. He looks down at his hands again and they are no longer shaking but his knee is jiggling.
Sam glances at his brother again "Look, I don't know what you have going on right now, I actually don't want to know. I'm pretty content with where I'm at right now and I'm sorry but I just can't... If you need to go and get yourself squared away… sort everything out, then fine. Just know that we'll be here, so you know… don't forget about us" Sam said with a small chuckle. He's trying to lighten the mood but deep down he was expecting Dean to try to convince him to go back to hunting with him, that Hope would have to go with someone else while they got back on the road. Dean is going against type, something that didn't happen very often.
"Yeah, I gotta go back and… I have things I need to do Sammy… and I had intensions of dragging you back with me, kicking and screaming if I had to, but… after meeting Hope… and seeing you with her… I actually want you to stay here… stay safe and out of harm's way" Dean said honestly
Sam nods his head "Will you come back? Not to stay obviously but… to visit or just…" Sam broke off, he really couldn't expect Dean to be too involved with their lives. Sam knew the demands of being a hunter, that the two very different worlds couldn't be melded.
Dean looked at his brother and could see the wheels turning and sighed. "I really want to come back Sam, but the time I spent in Purgatory was brutal, I still feel on edge, so I need to go burn off that energy… that being said… I'm really tired man…. I'm tired of all of this crap that keeps getting laid at our feet. I want to stop, and you know what, as angry as I was at you for stopping hunting, I see this as my light at the end of the tunnel. I actually want to stop now… after I finished what I need to do... then I'm done Sammy" Dean said warily "I need to have something good to come back to"
Sam was shocked, his career hunter brother wanted to stop hunting and start a new life. "Wow Dean, I… I never thought I'd see the day… but we'll be here… I just want you to promise me something?" Sam asked hesitantly
"Shoot little brother" Dean said feeling lighter and just ready to get it all done so he would rest here with his family.
"You have to promise me that you'll be careful… no risking your life unnecessarily, no going off on your own, you have to come back to us in one piece" Sam said vehemently
"I'm certainly going to try Sam… I do have someone I can work with… I know you didn't want to know but his names Benny, he's been like a brother to me… we fought together in purgatory" Dean said not wanting to say anything too incriminating.
Sam looked away, guilt eating away at him, his brother had to rely on someone else to have his back, while Sam was off living his life. He had been "Well… I mean, I wasn't exactly there to do it, so I guess I'm glad you had someone… I…" Sam stopped himself, he could feel the lump in his through but stomped it down
Sam could see the emotions on his little brother's face, he realised that even though he hadn't been the one to fight to get him back, Sam hadn't had it easy while he was in purgatory "Hey, at least I have something worth living for so... you know, that'll help" Dean said sincerely.
Sam nodded his head, not able to speak, he had missed his brother so much in the last 12 months and now that he was back, he felt like he was adrift, he could see his brother now, but he was so far away because he was leaving again.
"I just… can we sit, have a beer and just… be in the same space for a while?" Sam asks begging to just be normal for a while. "I've missed you" he said sincerely
Dean looks at his brother and he can see the anxiety that he is trying to hide, in the way he holds himself and the way his hands are in fists at his sides. Dean was honestly not ready to leave his little brother just yet, after fighting to get back to him for so long. It was certainly taking him a while to get his head around the fact that Sam wasn't coming with him, and the reason for that was because he had a daughter. Both things were just blowing his mind, so he did the only thing that made sense. "Sure Sammy, I'd love to" Dean relaxes back into the couch and sighs.
TBA