How I Met Your Mother- "Of Course…Michael…"
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended
Summary: There was a little more to the "Of Course" episode as Mr. and Mrs. Scherbatsky-Stinson relate after a chance meeting.
Part V…
2010, Metro News 1 Office…
"Go get him?" Anita sighed in her chair. "Sure…With rapture. But how, Barney? He won't return my calls…He's become immunized to the power of No." faint wan smile… "Like my dad, the power of Loving Dad trumps."
"Well, his daughter's better… Right, Patrice?" Barney turned to her.
"Oh, much. He's coming back to work on Monday. You could catch him, then, Anita." Patrice suggested.
"I don't know anymore…" sigh. "My confidence is shot." Dejected look.
"Well, I meant…See him. But…"
Anxious stare… "But, wait a whole weekend? What if someone else tumbles to what a wonderful guy he is? It's a jungle out there, full of predators seeking a prize. And Michael is such a prize." Fond tone.
"And he's been caring for his daughter in a hospital? Every woman in the place will be after him…Nurses who cared for his little girl…Doctors who saved her life. Frightened young sluts he comforted, the damned near-death tramps." Angry stare.
Sigh…"I'm dead meat."
Barney, firmly, taking her in hand. "No, you're not. You're Anita Appelby, counselor to the masses of those women we both intend to take complete advantage of, each in our own unique way, you for the dough you can get them to cough up for books, DVDs, TV appearances; me for the bang-bang-bangity-bang. You are strong. You are invincible. You are a Player Extraordinaire. You can tell any lie, make-up any ridiculous story or excuse to cover. You…Can do this."
"I can?" she eyed him, sitting up.
"Nah, he'd see Player Anita coming a mile away, now. I lied. Pretty good, huh? High-five!" Barney, beaming and offering self-accolade.
"Barney…"
"Player Anita can't do this. Anita, chasing the love of her life, can." He eyed her. "Remember? We have a plan."
"Right, right, the Plan…Oh…God, I'm so nervous I've forgotten the Plan. Barney? What was The Plan?" she grabbed at him.
"First, not to wrinkle The Suit…" he pulled her off.
"Sorry."
"The Plan is…There is no Plan. No scheme. No trick. Just Anita." He eyed her.
"Right, yeah. What?" she stared, rising in panic.
"'Just Anita'? Are you crazy? Was I crazy, agreeing to this? Would you agree to this?" she eyed Barney.
"Oh, I think 'just Anita' is just…" Patrice…
"Nobody asked you, Patrice!" Anita cried. "Barney, Anita without Anita Appelby is a boring psychological counselor who wears thick glasses, writes dull papers, and has three cats. It wasn't till my publisher took one of my books his wife read and retitled "Concepts on Relationship Trauma" to "Get a Life and Get Away from that Loser, You Dumb Slut" and I got contacts that didn't stimulate my allergies that I became…Well, this." She indicated herself.
"Interesting…Luckily I've never been non-awesome, not even back in my college days and if any of my friends ever claims otherwise or mentions a videotape to that effect…I disavow any such knowledge." Barney frowned.
"Oh, now, Barney…" Patrice began, fond tone… "Robin's told me that back then…"
"No one asked you, Patrice!" Both Barney and Anita…Barney eyeing Anita who shrugged.
"Gotta support a fellow male-Bro/Playa." She noted.
"Respect. Anyway…" Barney nodded. "Michael is immunized against Anita the Playa by Loving Dad vaccine but not against Anita Just Like My Little Girl…"
Hmmn…Anita pondered, nodding at the last. "Do I have to take the contacts out? You know, actually, they have been bothering me a little…Not to mention these damned heels."
"Uh, no…That would be too extreme, at least in my presence. You do that only when alone with him, confirming that you are in fact, Just a Nice Girl, underneath the vampiress who enslaved him for a time."
"I was a Nice Girl, really…" she eyed him. "Well, when I'm not pushing those crap books or trying to convince loser women I have a magic guide to success in life and love or when I'm taking revenge on some jerk…No offense. But it's been so long since I could be 'Just Anita'…"
"None taken…In the context of our current situation, I was a jerk."
"But you did atone, Barney…That was so sweet what you did for Robin…"
("Oh, God it was, wasn't it?" 2019 Robin notes… "Oh, I love that fellow Canadian sob so.")
"See? You're already morphing back into Nice Girl 'just Anita'." He noted. "And lets toss my 'sweet thing for Robin' into the Memory Hole, shall we?"
"Ok…But Barney you do know that you follow the classic pattern of…"
"Ennt." He cut her off.
"Really, Barney, I think Anita's…" Patrice began.
"What did I say? Ennt, Patrice!" he frowned.
"Oh, she only meant…" Anita began. "Oh, my…" she blinked.
"So…Dr. NerdAppelby returns…Ms. Anita fades back till the next dose." Barney nodded.
"But…He liked Ms. Anita. She hooked him." Anita sighed, kicking off shoes.
Oh my God, does that feel good…
"She hooked…Mike the Middle-aged schub…A desperately hapless loser…"
"Hey!" Anita sat up.
"In Bro/Playa Society's eye…" Barney put up a hand. "Like my own best bro, Ted Mosby."
"Oh, that Ted is so nice!" both women in unison.
Oh, my…Anita blinked.
It's working…
I can even appreciate…
…Ted Mosby's fine qualities, again.
Though he can't hold a candle to my Michael, natch.
"…But…And Ladies? I never said this. If it ever leaks, my lawyer, Marshall Ericksen is empowered to injunction the hell out of you both… In the Everyday Haul Long term, he is the finest of men…Like…
And you will be signing notarized documents after this to deny this conversation ever took place…
…My best bro, Ted."
"You bet he is." Anita, nodding firmly. "Though Ted is a fine guy, too."
This dress is chaffing and so stiff…She sighed. I wish I'd brought my comfy clothes…Maybe Mike can loan me a shirt and some gym pants?
"So, Anita…Anita?" Barney called her back from reverie.
"Right. So I just go over and apologize for being so nasty?"
"That's part of it…" he nodded.
"And for treating him so bad? Though really…After the first day, I just wanted him to stay around. I was gonna cook dinner for him on the third date…Day. But that's when he told me he had to go see his sick daughter…" sigh. "And what did I do? Did I suggest I could come along? Did I even ask how she was? No…Playa Anita, that fiend, went all 'No'. 'No', Barney…She said 'No'. Oh, the look in his eyes…" weeping.
"Here ya go…" Patrice offered tissue. Thank you…Anita nodded.
Proud sudden gleam… "It was wonderful. He completely threw off my chains…Her chains. My heart lept for joy, deep down. And I knew, once and for all…" beam, wiping eyes with tissue Patrice had offered.
"Yeah…I know…I felt the same when Robin…But of course I didn't and that never happened…" Barney noted, firmly.
"Barney…" Anita frowned. "You're in denial, you know you have to deal with these…. Oh my God…I'm actually concerned about you." She blinked. "I'm 'Just Anita' again, fully."
And 'just Anita' gotta get these damned contacts out…She began removing contacts from her eyes.
"That's nice…" Patrice beamed. "I like 'just Anita'."
"Emotionally, I guess so…Financially…It's a disaster." Anita shook head. "The women with money to burn on my junk want to be sneered at and guided by a successful, man-destroying Playa Anita. Barney? What if I can't go back? I'm ruined…But never mind, if I'm happy." Beam. "Michael and I will get by…We can go live in New Jersey or…"
"Whoa, whoa." Barney put up an anxious hand. "Compartmentalization, Anita. You should know that, but clearly you've not needed 'just Anita' so she's been locked away in the Fortress of Anitatude, guarded by a fire-breathing Playa Anita. See, I love my mom. I love my brother. I love my friends Lily and Marshall's beautiful romance. I even love that gooey side of Ted…And I love…Uh…"
"Barney…Just say it." Anita, pulling out a well-hidden emergency pair of thick glasses and putting them on… "You know you want to."
"Say what? And of course, all this is going on those said notarized documents. Anyway…I keep all that away…Way away…In a compartment, isolated and sterilized, access only with Government of Barnitude authorization. You can do it too, though given your situation of choosing to enter…Dare I say it…Monogamy…Oh, it hurts my tongue…!"
"Barney…" Anita, glasses perched, reproving look.
"Nobody asked you, Anita!" he cried. "Sorry…"
"It's ok, I understand…" Anita nodded. "You want to go with that?"
"Anita…We're dealing with your situation here."
"Sorry…But later, we should schedule a session. Maybe Patrice here can sit in as she seems to have a special insight…" fond smile to a beaming Patrice… "Though of course that's…"
"You want my help or no?!" Barney, insistent. "Be a little self-centered for one moment longer…"
"But…You clearly need my help…Like all those poor women. Oh, I've been terrible…" Anita, shaking head. "I haven't helped them at all…"
"Oh, I wouldn't say that." Patrice noted. "I think some women really get a lot out of your books…"
"You think so?" Anita, anxiously as Barney frowned.
"Sure…It's a good kick in the ass to some of the ones who don't know what they want." Patrice nodded.
"That's so nice of you, Patrice. You know, you really should consider going into counseling…" careful nod. "You're a natural." Sigh… "I really never intended for this stuff to blow up like it did, but it was so much money and the TV stuff was fun and then I did kinda like seeing guys who never looked at Dr. Appelby go kinda like Barney did the first day…" smile. "And my nieces needed help with college tuition and my mom needed home care…I thought I could just do it for a year or two or three…Then the other book came out and it was a hit too." Sigh. "I got caught up…"
"Well, now you're back." Patrice noted.
What have I done? Barney blinked. I've turned Anita Appelby into Patrice…Or at least, regressed her back into Patrice…
"Well…Yes." Anita nodded. "But I still want Michael and maybe Barney's right…I gotta be self-centered, just a little, for a little bit longer… Till I got him and Playa Anita is contained forever."
"Anyway…" Barney continued… "For that awful reason…Monogamy…It's probably gotta be the reverse…Playa Anita will go in the storage compartment, to come out only when needed for business purposes."
"Where she belongs." Anita, firmly. "Patrice, you don't have something I could borrow? This silly dress is cutting into my waist and breasts. I feel like I'm in a sausage wrapper."
"Sure, I got some sweatshirts and shorts for the gym. They're a little big but…" she rose and hurried off.
"Stop, stop in the name of Bromanity!" Barney cried.
"I just wanna be comfortable for a few…I'll dress up for Michael. Though you know I still have this old blouse and skirt set at home that my dad always said suited me to a…"
"Ennt…No more! No more or this intervention is done!" Barney, flailing about.
"Ok…Fine…" Anita sighed. "I guess I should be a little slinky and show off a bit, to kinda boost Mike's ego a little and let the other guys know just what a great guy he is. Playa Anita's used me, I should use her."
"See…" She rose, casting cow's eyes his way through the thick glasses…A hideous perversion of Anita Appelby's seductiveness.
Uh-huh…Barney eyed her.
It's terrifying…In ten minutes I've managed to suck all the 'slink' out of her.
I never should have included Patrice in this…She's like anti-slink Kryptonite.
Though she is wonderful…So warm and kind, like the Ted side of Mom, really…
"Oh, God…" he groaned.
"Barney?…Oh, I'd better tone it down." Anita, hastily. "I don't want to entice you."
"Right." He eyed her. Entice me.
I even think she's managed to suck the makeup and lipstick back into her skin…
Of course she's still a very pretty and sweet girl…Gee, she'd be perfect for Ted if she weren't in love. Another window girl closed…My poor friend Ted.
Oh, no! I've got to get away soon…Before I regress into…
College 'Save the World' Barney…
I'm already regretting being too hard on Shannon…This must stop!
"Hey, got the clothes!" Patrice, eager, happy cry, as she emerged from the back of the office, tossing a sweat shirt to Anita who as eagerly grabbed it. "These shorts are kinda big for you but you can tie them up with the strings on 'em!"
"Oooh, nice and big…This'll be so comfy, thanks Patrice."
Oh…No…Barney sighed.
…