How I Met Your Mother- "Of Course…Michael…"
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended
Summary: There was a little more to the "Of Course" episode as Mr. and Mrs. Scherbatsky-Stinson relate after a chance meeting.
Part VII…
2019…Maclarens'…
Ted eyeing Barney…Who gave arch look…
"So? Anita Appleby was in love with…Michael? The cameraman at Metro News 1? And that's why she wanted to see you again? For advice?" Ted, blinking.
"From you?"
"Moi. Oui." Barney nodded. "Who else but a consummate player of her caliber could have helped her?"
"And she brought out…God helps us all… 'Just Anita', the mousey therapist she'd been?"
"Dr. Appleby, the mousey therapist…Lets not skip the title, Ted. The good doctor earned her degree. Even if she owes Playa Anita all her financial success."
"Dr. Appleby, the mousey therapist…Hmmn…I wonder if this could mean hope for Teddy Westside…" wistful tone.
Barney frowning…
"No, there is no hope for that abortion of a character, Ted. And would you want there to be? You're in enough trouble with Trace over Robin, you know. Not to mention, me." Stern look.
"What? I thought we were good since the wedding…" stare.
"That was before the fantasies about Robin and me divorcing? You and Robin hooking up twenty or so years from now?"
Ted staring… "What? But…"
"Tracy tells Stinson-Scherbatsky everything, Ted. Everything… Poor thing, how could you do that to her? The One, Ted." Shaking head. "This is something Robin might have expected from me. Though frankly, Marshall and Lily weren't all that surprised…"
"Marshall and Lily? They know…Er, have heard this nonsense…Too?"
"For counseling purposes…Stinson-Scherbatsky tend to be weak in that area, we had to seek an outside therapist for all the Marshall-Lily crap…And who better than Marshall-Lily?"
"I can't believe…Wait…Tracy needed therapy?" Ted, worried tone.
"And went to you…And Robin?...For it?"
"Cathartic, Ted. I think she wanted to throw meat at the lioness to see her reaction…Robin being the lioness, it's my metaphor for her."
"Yeah…I don't think…"
"Ted." Putting up hand. "Just accept that you have to kill Teddy Westside. Not that he ever managed to be fleshed out as a character even in your fantasies. Kill him, Ted. For the sake of your self-respect and the happiness of the woman I know you truly love." Hard stare.
"Well, Teddy W wasn't necessarily bound up with…"
"Kill him, Ted!" Barney, insistent, then shrugging… "Not that he ever amounted to anything but an embarrassment but even that's an awful thing to do to a great girl like Trace."
"Fine…I'll kill Teddy…But was Tracy really…I mean…?"
"You mean what? Was she upset when you told her fantasies about the woman you used to claim to love? Was I upset when she told me those fantasies about my wife? Was Robin upset listening to her tell me said fantasies right here in our sacred Booth?"
Ted, staring…
"Not really so much in Robin's case…She gets that from loser guys she dated all the time. They can't let go. And me, well…I was annoyed…But given it was Robin, what can I say? So long as it remains a fantasy…A buried fantasy, Ted." Stern look.
"I had cancer…I was terrified my life was ending…" Ted, nervously apologetic. "I was telling Tracy my thoughts about how my life might have gotten, not wishing for something…"
"Ok. But Marshall will probably never recover. Though he was pulling for you and Robin for years, you know. Lily, though, she always knew you two were on a slow boat to Nowhere."
"I wish Tracy hadn't…" sigh. "I guess I can't say that…"
"No, you can't. You dropped that on her just when she was trying to cope with you maybe dying, while trying to comfort her panicky husband. And poor Marshall was a wreck then, you know."
"Sorry…I shouldn't have told her. But…"
"You shouldn't have thought it…" hard stare. "But it was Robin, what can you do?"
"Well, I did tell her how I thought once maybe Karen and I…"
"Please, Ted. That's ludicrous. And sad. Never bothered Trace for a moment. Heck, she thought it was some sort of guilt trip over Robin that you even thought about it. My advice? Next time you get cancer…And you statistically might, you know…"
"Thanks…" grim look.
"You can't argue with Statistics, Ted. Don't even try. But you have Marshall and me and the power of Goliath-Gotham and its many biomedical investments to save you again."
"Yeah…Thanks."
"Don't mention it. Saving lives is what we do, now that the federal investigations are over and the exploitive types are in jail. My point is Ted, next time you are dying of some terrible illness…Or some acute accident…" pause.
"Don't confide my fears and dreams to my wife?"
"Don't include my wife in them. There's no need as you and Robin never could be. You never worked, Ted. Though thanks for keeping her away from some paler version of myself till I could take the field."
"Thanks." Annoyed tone.
"That's because there's only Tracy for you, Ted. Not Robin, Lord knows…Even I can barely manage with her at times. Not Victoria…Certainly not Karen. You know that and you know this silliness was just your annoying tendency to keep wondering if you've missed something. That's gotta stop, Ted. I learned that the day Tracy made me see what I was nearly ready to throw away chasing after the next bang."
Sigh… "I guess you're right, Barney. But I never meant to hurt anyone…You, Tracy, Robin."
"Robin was only amused, Ted. Now, Marshall…"
"Wait…" Ted sat upright. "Is that why Lily gives me dirty looks every time we've gotten together since I got over the cancer? I thought she was thinking I wasn't showing my gratitude to Marshall as much as I should've and did, to you."
"She's pissed, Ted. After all, you broke her marshpillow emotionally."
"I'll call her and Marshall. I had no idea he took it so hard."
"He let his bet on you and Robin go for the sake of your finding true love, Ted. Of course, he took it hard. This is Marshall, Ted."
"Right. And I'll keep trying to make it up to Tracy, of course."
"Eh, I think you're ok there. The cancer thing took the whammy off to some extent. But watch it next time…"
"You mean when I statistically get cancer again?"
"Exactly…And one of our more forward pressing though restrained by government restructuring biofirms saves you. But your point about Anita is justified. Playa Anita was far more dangerous than 'Teddy Westside' ever could be. She'd almost destroyed her own and 'Just Anita's' chance for happiness. So naturally she'd come to her most formidable player foe for help.,,"
"And your 'help' consisted of turning her back into 'just Anita' or rather 'just Dr. Anita'?"
"Admittedly I'd gone a bit too far…" Barney shrugged.
"God, yes…If your description is accurate."
"Oh, I spared you the worst. I didn't tell you but…She had a floppy hat, Ted. A…Floppy…Hat."
"Oh, God…"
…
2010…Metro News 1 studio…
Anita, in glasses, peering in mirror, adjusting said floppy hat on her head as Patrice helps her try to pull Playa Anita's slinky dress back on…
A dress that now, somehow, seemed a size too small…
Nyahhh…Barney, back from bathroom, staring in horror…
"Hey, Barney! Patrice gave me one of her hats, it's just like my favorite one!" Anita, eagerly, adjusting hat and glasses, pulling at dress.
"I think it goes really well with the dress. But I may have to have this darned thing let out, I don't understand it. It fit a little while ago, sorta." Shaking head at dress.
"Yeah, I think so…" Patrice nodded.
"Let me suck in a little…How did I ever manage to wear this thing?" Anita sighed, sucking and pulling determinedly. "Ok…Just barely…Well…" she turned, beamed at Barney, the tight dress tight in a dozen wrong, horribly so, places…
"I think I've let Playa Anita out a little, huh?" offers what she assumed was a seductive look. "Time to go get my man, huh?" beam. Gasp… "God, that's tight…"
"No, God, no…What have I done?" Barney stared.
"Don't worry, 'just Anita' is still running the show." She smiled.
"Yeah…I get that." He nodded.
"Patrice? Help me with the shoes, would ya?" she pointed.
"Oh, Lord…" groan… "I think I'll keep the flats. They look ok, right?" she eyed Barney. "Patrice?"
"Oh, you look nice." Patrice nodded, smiling. "Let me see if I have some lipstick, though."
Barney putting up hands to shield himself from the horror…
Oh, forgive me…Bros everywhere…I knew not what I did.
…
Ted, in 2019 Maclarens' trembling…
The horror…And I'm only experiencing Barney's description…
…
Mmmn…Anita eyeing her image in mirror…Patrice standing by to help. "You know, something's…Apart from this damn awful dress…Not quite…"
"It's horrible!" Barney gasped. "Woman, what have you done to yourself?"
"Barney…" Anita smiled. "Don't be silly. It's not that bad, I just somehow don't quite…Smolder…Like I used to."
"Smolder? Woman? You don't even fizzle now. How can this be?" Barney, shaking head. "Not forty-five minutes ago you were a killer, a shark. Now, you're lutefisk, canned tuna."
"Patrice? What do you…?"
"Nay! Nein! No!" Barney cried. "No advice from Patrice! No offense, dear, you're a gift of the gods." He told the beaming Patrice. "But as to fashion…"
"I think Patrice has great fashion sense…" Anita, frowning. "This lipstick of hers is…"
Barney, knocking the tube from her hand… "It's flaming pink. It's making your face turn green in its glow."
"Actually…" Patrice, hesitant. "I do sorta, gotta, agree with Barney here. There is something wrong, Anita. This look is not working for you."
"Really?" Anita staring at herself…Bunned hair, glasses, somewhat indeed green skin in the glow of the lipstick, overly tight dress in all the wrong places, somewhat less erect posture from the flats. "I think I look pretty hot. But maybe I should go for my old tweed and skirt at home."
"Anita! For the love of God!" Barney, waving hands. "You want Michael or you want to attend the local PTA?"
"Both…Once we have our kids." She beamed. "Barney, I don't want to 'no' or fake it to Mike. I want him to see the real me."
"No man should see the real you. Until he's said 'I do' or 'Hell, no'."
"He won't say that." Anita, archly. Then, a bit nervously… "I mean the 'Hell, no'."
Barney sighing… "Well, that's the right spirit but the wrong flesh…Very wrong."
"Barney may have a point, Anita." Patrice noted. "You are very pretty when you're dressed up but I think your style requires you keep the whole package. You pull out a few bits and it doesn't quite work."
"Patrice…" Barney, impressed. "You really do have a sort of inner wisdom. High-five." He offered.
"Thanks. Ow!" accepting. "Yeah…I just think if you want to go casual that tweed and skirt is it." She nodded.
"Exactly." Anita agreed, vigorous shake of head, yes.
"No, retraction…!" Barney, rubbing her hand with his. "Anita, I know what this is. You're afraid if you let Playa Anita out, she'll take over again."
"Well, yeah…I said so." Nod. "But I still think Michael would like my tweed…"
"But we agreed you have to let Michael see that both Anitas want him. Else he'll believe you were just a fake and you're deceiving him again, that he's good enough for 'just Anita' but not for 'playa Anita'. He'll always wonder…You don't want that, do you?"
"No, but if I kill 'playa Anita'…Forever…" gleam in eye. "He'll know I did it for him."
"But doesn't he deserve a "Playa Anita"? As much as 'just Anita'?"
"But she's fake…She's not really me." Anita sighed.
"She is you. She didn't rise up out of nothing. And if you don't let her have a role here, she'll rise up again one day…Destroy your happiness."
"I can't let her win him. She's Evil, Barney. She'll pretend to be nice, then she'll destroy him! And me!"
Patrice eyeing the two…
"But you said she loves him too." She noted to Anita who eyed her.
"Yeah, well…" Anita, looking away.
"Isn't it that you're afraid he'll prefer her? If she's a little nicer to him?" Patrice asked, gently. "But I know Michael. Yes, he liked her and it was fun to have her showing him some interest but that's not who he is or what he wants. He wants what's behind the curtain. You…And that part of her that really you, not fake."
Hmmn…She is good, Barney stared.
I wonder…Behind the curtain?
Eh, no…Let go that. Robin's with Don no-pants…Leave it be.
"You really think so?" Anita eyed her. "He won't want her all the time…?"
"No…Michael's a good guy." Patrice smiled. "He'll enjoy having her around, it's kinda flattering to have such a popular, pretty girl at his side, but he wants Anita."
Hmmn…Anita eyed herself. "I suppose…But what if I can't control her?" nervous tone.
"Sure, you can…" Patrice shook head. "She's just you, if you have confidence in yourself. You don't need to manipulate and hurt and deceive, just let yourself radiate. I promise you, he'll love that Anita."
"Radiate, huh?"
"Full intensity. But without the mean and nasty."
"But that's playa Anita. And what made me rich."
"You don't need it." Patrice, firmly. "But you don't need to hide your best."
"Barney?" Anita turned to him.
"Yeah, some crap like that…" he nodded. "I faked it too, when I was just starting out on the road to awesome. Then I realized, hey. I am awesome. And I've been awesome ever since."
"Awesome…" Anita stared at herself in mirror. "I…Am Awesome."
"And lovable as a puppy." Patrice beamed.
"You think so? My da-da always said…" Anita, gushing. "And I can be both?"
"That's you, honey." Patrice patted her.
"I guess." Barney, shrugging, roll of eyes.
"Ok…" Anita, unbunning hair. "Let me…Ow, damn these heels!" as she kicked off flats and put her feet back into the heels.
"And for God's sake, wipe off that lipstick…" Barney, offering tissue.
"Ok…But I'm keepin' my glasses." Anita, insistent. "I tossed the contacts and stepped on one."
Peter Gunn theme plays to reveal Anita in her glory, hair down, dress now again a perfect, slinky fit, though with glasses just a bit schoolmarmish. Eyes reasonably smoldering…
"Ok." Arrogant pose. "Lets go get him." She intoned, eyeing herself in mirror, holding glasses with one hand. Squinting… "Barney? I can't see to dial the cab or read Michael's address here." Offering note, he nodding with thumbs up, then dialing on office phone…As she started for door, passing by Patrice without recognition.
Stumbling into desk…Ooops…
"I'm still here…Thanks, Patrice." She replaced glasses on nose, giving warm smile to the beaming Patrice. "I'll call you later to let you know how it goes."
…