How I Met Your Mother- "Of Course…Michael…"
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended
Summary: There was a little more to the "Of Course" episode as Mr. and Mrs. Scherbatsky-Stinson relate after a chance meeting.
Part VIII…
2019…Maclearns'…
"So that was that?" Ted eyed Barney. "Anita went about 80% Player Anita and landed the poor schnook?"
"Hey…" Barney frowned. "Mike's a great guy…And no, it didn't go that easy…"
"Really? Look, no offense to Mike the cameraguy but she had him whipped when I saw them at Metro News…"
"He was attracted. So was I. So were you." Intense stare.
"Well…" Ted, wilting under intense scrutiny. "Maybe a little. Hadn't met the love of my like then, you know…" lamely.
"Uh huh." Firm stare.
"Ok, I was attracted."
"Fortunately, Playa Anita hadn't the slightest interest in you and ignored you completely or this conversation would be taking a totally different tack."
"Oh? You mean Tracy worrying about Anita instead of Rob…" Ted, blinking, gulping.
Ooops.
"Robin's worried about Anita?" Barney stared. "Seriously?" slight grin.
"A bit…I mean, Playa Anita did get hooked on you for a while…"
"Yeah, we kinda figured that was some sort of mind meld of Just Anita with…Ummn…"
"Ah, ha…" Ted, triumphantly. "With Good Barney, yes!"
"Eh…College nerd, idiot pre-awesome Barney, maybe."
"The Barney Robin adores…In part."
"Does she?" earnest smile, then shiver. "God, no. My wife-bro has far too much sense and style. She tolerates that Barney in the few corners when I allow him to make an appearance…Or use him for my nefarious purposes. Used to, at least."
"She loves that Barney, dude. It's the Barney that let her take the whole package, grossness and all." Ted, eyeing him. Barney staring back.
"Ok, she does love Gross Barney's sense of style and imagination." Shrug.
"'Awesome' Barney, you mean. The Playa King of New York City. You remember the story?" cocked eye.
"Marshall's bedtime story? Sure."
"All true…Except the poisonings…Maybe." shrug.
"Uh huh."
"Is Robin really…?" worried look, glance to bathroom.
"Not since 'Pregnant, mostly Just Anita' walked in, no."
"Good. So, my plan worked." Barney, bright smile.
"What? You meant to have Anita show up here?" Ted, frowning.
"Eh, she was coming by after her book signing, which I did know of…She and Mike love the place and show whenever they're in town, you just keep missing them, thanks to your choice of suburban homestead and the chains of fatherhood. Oh, I can't wait…Is it really as good as it looks with you and Marshall?" earnest look at end.
"Dude, it's fabulous. And you'll be a great dad."
"Of course…" snort. "I didn't have any concerns there. But as to your question, I know how Robin feels about any exs of mine…They're 99% meaningless airheads. Only three really ever worried her. Shannon, my college girl…Whose shameless betrayal changed the course of my life from hopeless Teddom to Awesome. Marshall's law professor the Barracuda, who nearly caged or permanently incapacitated me before she went to jail for having sex with her students. And Anita… And in all three cases…Meeting Shannon for dinner with Robin and showing how I have no interest in her now…Testify in secret at the Professor's trial, with Robin's dad…Can't talk about that, you understand, the CIA was involved…But Dad-in-law vouched for me with the Missus as to my lack of further interest…Especially given his involvement with her…Never mention that to my stepmom-in-law, by the way…"
What? Ted blinked.
"And now this meeting to show her that even Playa Anita has no interest in anyone but her Michael, that she's a tamed housecat, firmly managed by Just Anita…I've taken steps to make sure Robin knows the only girls who ever really concerned her mean nothing to me, in the romantic sense of the word."
"That's sweet…" Nod… "In a very perverse sense of the word."
"Yeah, isn't it? After all I owed her. I got to beat Alan Thicke into the carpet in Canada…"
"Dude, you never…" roll of eyes…
"And Don no-pants and that idiot Gael from Argentina went down. You know we met him while we were there when we had our crisis…You know…" stern glare. "The one you used in your fantasy about our divorce so you could imagine Tracy getting cancer instead of you, dying to clear the way, and you hooking up with Robin ten years or so from now?"
"Barney, I am sorry…"
"It's forgiven. But never forgotten, especially by Tracy. So do not ever let that woman down again, Ted. She's a paragon, almost a Robin or Patrice."
Patrice? Ted stared.
"So…Don't blow it, Mosby. Though fortunately for you, she's a take-charge girl who won't let you blow it."
"I know…" sigh.
"Anyway, the dear boy has gone bald, gained twenty pounds on all that food he used to give everyone…And now runs a business selling appliances in Buenos Ayres. Tried to sell us a refrigerator. Meeting old friends can be so much fun…" beam.
"And Don? Have you seen him too, since…?"
"He's in Japan, that show there Robin used to be on? It's actually a good fit for him, they let him broadcast in a kimono, pantsfree. And his in-laws are in the Japanese Mafia and actually would peel off his skin and sell it, with other organs, if he ever transgressed. So, no worries there."
"Great…Though, dude? The truth is Robin worries about all of yours, including the meaningless airheads. She's told me fantasies about bumping them all off…"
"So? That's just in case the annoying ones pester us too much. And to keep the real psychos from killing me after trying to hook up with me… Seems somehow, since I married, my Awesomeness has actually become even more appealing…" shrug.
"You know…" Ted smiled. "That one is actually true. High-five, bro." offering, which Barney accepted.
"So, you want the rest of the tale?" Barney eyed him.
"Should we wait for Robin?" shrewd look…
"As in? Are there parts I haven't told her? Ted, I am a brosband as well as a husband, committed to my marriage and the Bro Code of which one Robin Scherbatsky-Stinson is a fully pledged bro…So, yes, Mosby…Weaver of cruel fantasies about my wife-bro…"
"Dude, I thought I was dying. I was just trying to tie a few loose fantasy ends…I'm sorry. Come on, even Tracy has a few fantasies about Max…" pause.
"Really? Her deceased ex-? Do tell…"
"I can't. Mosby Marriage/Bro Code. But lets just say, it helped to allow Trace to cut me a break. And did, admittedly, give me one or two in the emotional stomach." Sigh.
"Oh, that…" nod.
"What? She tole you? Come on…" frown, shake of head. "She'd never…"
"Beach…Max with guitar…"
"Aw, crap…"
"Relax, I doubt she told us everything, though she was trying to clear things for you."
"Us? She told Robin?"
"Marshall too…He was in a bad way about you, dude. His illusion of you shattered hard. At least this gave him some perspective."
"I can't believe she told you guys."
"Not everything, I'm sure." Barney nodded. "But probably she didn't tell you everything either…" grin.
"Damnit, Barney! Now you got me all…Thinking."
"Next time, think before you selfishly fantasize. Anyway, it's Tracy, Ted. And she was in love with him…Neither could make it very bad, except your own darky side dwelling on it."
"Fine…It really wasn't anything too bad…?"
"She didn't fantasize killing you to have Max, that's gotta be better. Anyway, as to the story of Anita's campaign with the able and kindly help of one Stinson…"
"So…There is something Robin shouldn't hear…" Ted, archly. "Mosby Boys…!"
"What shouldn't I hear?" Robin, setting down three beers. Tracy, behind her, helping the waitress setting down a platter of chicken tenders and fries and two club sodas, Anita struggling into booth.
"Ted was hoping there was some incriminating bit of the tale of Anita Appleby and her Michael that would exonerate him…" Barney smiled.
"Oh, you're telling the story?! I love that story!" Anita beamed.
"As do I…The way it turned out." Robin beamed.
"Ted doesn't need 'exoneration', Barney." Tracy frowned. "Or at least that be in the hands of the Queen of Mosby, me."
"Thanks, honey." Ted nodded. "But I wasn't looking for it…Unless you feel I need it of course, honey…" Hastily.
Tracy benignly nodding…Wisely played, Mosby.
"…It's just that Robin…Ow!" as Robin kicked him under the table.
"Oh, that…" Barney nodded. "It's only natural, though I know you trust me, honey."
"Especially with me as big as a cow…" Anita, chuckling. "But where were you at?"
"You in semi-Playa Anita on your way…" Barney noted.
"Oh…The First Try." Sigh. "It always makes me sad...But kinda proud." Anita, tearing up, then beaming. "But you can go on, Barney."