Chapter 36 Who Am I?
Ludwig opened the door. He didn't know what to expect, but he certainly hadn't expected Morton's room to be so dark. Seriously; it was like the kid was a vampire. He cleared his throat, and shuffling occurred in Morton's bed. The light on the bedside table came on, and Morton sat up. His face lit up.
"Oh hey! I haven't seen you in a while; how you doing?"
"Ehh." Ludwig moved to the side. "Your cat was in my room." Toasty zipped past his leg and jumped onto Morton's bed. The dark skinned Koopaling beamed and pet him on the head.
"Aww!" Morton scratched his ears. "Did you go on a little adventure today?" He picked up Toasty and held him to his chest. "You're just a little Indiana Koopa, aren't you? Aren't you?" He let out a small, smooth breath and looked at Ludwig. "Do you remember when you got him for me?"
"Oh, do I ever." Ludwig smiled a little bit. "I saw him in the store one day and I thought: 'That's Morton's. That has to be Morton's.'" He sighed. "Seems like an eternity ago."
Morton nodded. Rising from the bed, he made his way over to an orange beanbag chair in front of his TV. Ludwig sat himself down in a blue chair right beside it.
"I take it the last three days have been tough, huh?"
"Yeah." Ludwig couldn't even muster the strength to be sarcastic. "This is the first time I've gotten out of bed since the fight; isn't that pathetic?" He looked down at his hand, biting his lip as he did.
Morton pet Toasty on the head, sensing the heavy mood. He cast his oldest brother a smile, hoping to change the subject. "Hey, did you check your calendar recently?"
Ludwig raised an eyebrow. "No. Why?"
"Tomorrow's your birthday," Morton said.
Ludwig blinked. "Oh man, you're right. It is." He sighed and put his hand to his head. "It completely slipped my mind."
Silence, strong and anxiety inducing silence clogged the air. Morton bit his lip before clearing his throat and speaking again. "So, uh…I don't know if Lemmy told you this, but Bowser set up another kidnapping mission."
"Of course he did." There was another pause. Flickers of uncertainty and concern appeared in Ludwig's eyes. "So…what's the deal this time?"
Morton bit his lip. "Um, well, it is going to be next week, and we're going to use a sleeping draft to…"
"That's not what I'm asking." Ludwig leaned in closer. "Where am I going to patrol?"
Another silence. Morton felt a lump grow in his throat. Should he even say this? Did Ludwig really want to hear this?
"You get World 1," he said quietly.
Ludwig didn't even blink when he heard this news. Tears welled in his eyes instead. "I've never gotten World 1 before." He shook his head, gripping his hand into a fist as he spoke. "I can't believe this. I can't believe that I went from the person who Bowser could trust to give Mario the biggest challenge to…this!" The tears began to fall, which he desperately wiped away in a vain attempt to save face.
Morton bit his lip. "Look, Ludwig, I understand that this situation is difficult…"
"No, that's just it! I don't think you do!" He pointed toward his face. "This face is not mine! These hands are not mine" He pointed toward his chest. "The heart beating in this chest is not mine!" He whimpered. "Morton, I'm practically a ghost! Forced to live someone else's life because mine got taken away from me!" He lowered his head, the tears flowing faster. "I know...that everyone says that it's what's on the inside that matters. And I understand that; I really do. But…darn it, the outside is important too! And anyone who says its not is lying!"
His breaths were shaky, his voice weak. "Part of what made me the person I was was being able to look in the mirror and see a koopa who was confident in his own skin!" He swallowed more tears. "But when I look in the mirror now….I don't even know who I am anymore! I'm clearly not the person I used to be; I'm clearly not the person I look like now! Lord knows; I don't have any of the things that make Lemmy who he is! I also don't have any of the physical traits that made me who I am! I lost my body, my powers….I mean, I still have my voice, but what good is that going to do?" He wiped away another tear. "Honestly, all that it does now is just remind me of who I used to be! The old me; the one life I can never return to and will forever be out of my reach!" He didn't even bother to wipe away his tears. "If I'm being completely honest, listening to my voice right now hurts. It hurts more than anything in the world; so much so that my vocal cords sting as I'm telling you this!"
Morton stared at Ludwig. He didn't say a word; just stared at his brother in wide eyed shock. He wanted to say something, but Ludwig wasn't even close to done.
"I don't have my own sense of style anymore…my confidence is in tatters…and my music career is pretty much dead! Not only would it look ridiculous if I stepped onto the stage looking like this, but I can't even write the songs! I physically can't, Morty! My body is used to using one hand, and my mind is used to using the other. And since I can't get either of them to cooperate, I'm able to use neither!" The flow of tears grew stronger. "My reputation is gone, my interests are null and void…even my personality is worthless since I'm pretty much a zombie anyway! I can't get pleasure from being witty and sarcastic if I'm dead inside! What am I left with; my name? Honestly since I don't know if I fit the definition of a person at this point, I don't even know if I can use that anymore!" He whimpered again. "If I'm not Ludwig von Koopa, THEN WHO AM I?" There was a moment of silence before Ludwig let out a weary, burdened breath.
"Who am I?" he whispered.
Morton stared at Ludwig, the crying, broken Ludwig. Despite the tears in his eyes, there was absolutely no life in them, no spark. Morton realized that the question Ludwig just asked was a genuine question. Who was he? Really…who was he now?
"I'm so sorry," Morton whispered. "I…I had no idea! You seemed to be holding up so well."
Ludwig sighed. "Well…I wasn't really, but I did have one thing that I don't have now: hope." The tears flowed again. "I had hope that this would be fixed; that I would somehow get back to normal and be able to put the pieces of my life back together. But that…that's gone now." He snapped his fingers. "Snap, just like that. It died along with the duplighost." He closed his eyes. "Okay, Morty, I know what I'm about to say is going to sound awful, but…I really wish I had died during that first duplighost fight." He faced his brother; his pain unfathomable. "I know; it would have been extremely tragic and would have left you guys heartbroken…but it would have been a soldier's death. It would have been honorable. It would have been my last hurrah; my swan song. I would have gone down with dignity and grace, and at the very least, I'd still have my identity! Sure, I wouldn't like being dead, but I'd prefer it to this! I would prefer anything to being stuck in my own personalized level of hell!"
Morton's breath caught in his throat. He didn't take his eyes off of Ludwig; didn't dare.
"You heard me say this was hell over the past few days Morty?" Ludwig asked. "Well, I meant it." He gestured toward himself. "Take a good look Morty; take a good long look, cause this is what hell looks like for me. It's four foot six, has an orange shell, and a rainbow mohawk, and I am literally trapped inside it! My soul would not be in more agony if I was being burned alive!" He dried some more tears. "The only possible out I can see is if I stabbed myself in the heart and took my own life. But I can't even do that because it's not my life; therefore, it's not my right!" He shook his head. "I know I give Lemmy a lot of flack, but I would never take his life! I would never do that to my baby brother!"
He let out another cry, this one heavy. Morton reached out his hand to touch Ludwig's shoulder, to do anything to tell Ludwig that he was here for him. The oldest just pulled away before Morton got a chance.
"I really do wish I was dead," Ludwig whispered. "Being dead would be better than being a walking corpse." He lowered his head even more, not daring to pull it up. "I might as well never come out of that bedroom, because I have lost the will to live." There was a moment of silence before he spoke again, spoke with more pain than Morton even thought possible. "But I don't even know if you can call this living. I don't even know if I AM alive! For all I know, I did go down in that duplighost fight, and my soul was in denial, so it trapped me in this sick, twisted fantasy just so it didn't have to face the truth!" He trembled. "And if that is the case, I don't even know if any of this is real. I can't even be certain you and I are having this conversation right now." He sighed. "I've truly hit rock bottom Morty; I really have lost everything. Not only have I lost my body, my passions, my powers, my interests, my joy, and my will to live…but now, I don't even have the certainty to say that I'm in reality anymore. That is how fucked up this is."
A dark feeling filled Morton's heart, a void with no light to speak of. The sadness, strong and inescapable, lodged itself into his heart as he looked at Ludwig. The only thing that was worse than this void was the knowledge that Ludwig's was deeper. Blacker. Stronger.
"So…" Ludwig said. "As you can imagine, I'm not really in the mood to celebrate tomorrow. The person who that day was set aside for?" He shook his head. "He's gone. He doesn't exist anymore. At best, he's nothing more than a memory."
Not knowing what response was appropriate, Morton nodded. "That…that make sense."
"Yeah." Ludwig sighed as he slapped his hands on his knees. "Now, I'm going to go take a walk. Then, I'm going to go back to bed, and I'm going to pray that I die in my sleep. Just because I can't pull the plug doesn't mean the universe can't. And I really hope it does, because I do NOT want to believe the universe we live in is psychotic enough to force me to draw another breath." He exhaled, the seconds before he spoke again dragging by. "Now, Morty, I don't even know if you're really sitting next to me right now. But if you are…please do this for me."
Morton leaned in closer, hanging onto every breath Ludwig took like it would be his last.
"If…" Ludwig's voice sounded as if it was on the verge of breaking. "If you do find me dead in the bed tomorrow…then tell the world what kind of person I was. Tell them my story, let them hear my songs; let my legacy live on. But most importantly, tell our family that I care about them. Because I really do." Ludwig sniffled. His voice broke as another round of tears appeared. "You guys mean the world to me." He broke down, crying harder than Morton had ever seen him cry. The dark skinned Koopaling's heart broke. He wanted to do something to help Ludwig, but he knew there was nothing he could do. So, instead, he said…
"I can do that."
So, for possibly the last time, Morton watched Ludwig leave the room. He let out a breath before getting on his knees. Crying, he folded his hands in prayer.
"God…Grambi…my developer….or, whoever might be listening, please. Help my brother. I don't care how you do it, just please save him. Please help Ludwig!"