FIND HER: THE HUNT FOR ROLLINS

Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or its characters. The following work is strictly fan fiction.

Story takes place several months after the Season 22 finale.

Note: There will be trigger warnings including kidnapping, rape, assault, etc. Please read to your own discretion.

Chapter 10: There For Her

Olivia turned the kettle off as it began to whistle. She glanced up as Amanda walked into the room with her damp hair pulled back, dressed in a tank top, pyjama pants, and a robe pulled tightly around her. She had dark circles under her eyes, and a look of utter exhaustion.

It had taken longer than anticipated to be discharged from the hospital which wasn't surprising, but Olivia had hoped the process would be a bit quicker. After her rape kit, Amanda was wiped. When they got back to her room, waiting for the doctor to show up to go over her charts and clear her, Amanda had managed to close her eyes for twenty minutes. Olivia had taken the opportunity to step out and call Carisi to let him know the change of plans. To say he was upset was an understatement. Olivia tried to make him remember he's seen enough victims of assault to know that sometimes they push away those they care about.

"We don't know the full extent of what she's been through," Olivia had said to him. "Give her time. We all know what happens when someone is pushed before they're ready."

She could tell Carisi was hurt. After everything they've been through together. He had been there to support Amanda when both Jesse and Billie were born, through case after case, after Bucci held her hostage. Yet, this time she pushed him away. Why? He couldn't wrap his head around it.

"Is she okay at least?"

"She's a little banged up, but she's hanging in there," Olivia had responded, not going into detail with him.

"Let me know if anything changes, okay?" he seemed to settled on the phone when Olivia promised to keep him updated. She felt horrible for him, but she wanted to respect Amanda's wishes. Whatever the reason may be, she had them.

After her call with Carisi, she checked in on Fin and Kat. They had Carl in custody but hadn't gotten far. He'd yet to lawyer up – enjoying the mind games. Elliot had taken a run at him as well, but even he didn't get much of a reaction out of him. He kept asking how Amanda was, that he wanted to see her. When they refused to give information, he started asking for Captain Benson. Olivia's blood boiled. She wanted nothing more than to give him what he wanted – to drive down to the station herself and go at him, make him suffer for what he did. However, she knew it was all part of his game, and at the moment she was better to stay away. Besides, Amanda needed her and she was her first priority. She knew Fin and Elliot would be able to handle him. She'd worked with them long enough to know their approach. Although Kat was a newer addition to the team, Olivia had full confidence in the three of them.

After Amanda was discharged, they headed back to Amanda's place. Lucy and Noah were already there. Olivia had asked Lucy if she was okay to take that girls for the evening as well, let them have a sleepover with Noah until Amanda's mother could pick them up in the morning. Lucy was happy to do so. She waited at Amanda's until they arrived so Olivia could say goodbye to Noah, and Amanda could have a few minutes with her daughters. They were around for about half an hour before Lucy left with the trio, each of them excited for a night of movies, pizza, and snacks.

Olivia could see Amanda was sad to watch her daughters leave after missing them so much, but she also had a wave of relief that should could finally have a true moments rest. Amanda was in the shower long enough to worry Olivia. She had tapped on the door lightly, checking in on her. She felt her heart break when she heard Amanda say she was fine between choked breaths. It was obvious she had been crying. Olivia closed the door and gave her as long as she needed. Amanda wasn't in the shower for long after Olivia had checked on her. Just long enough to continue rinsing, and to pull herself together. Had Olivia not heard her crying, she wouldn't have known based on Amanda's neutral expression when she entered the room.

"Feeling better?" Olivia asked as Amanda nodded. She watched as the blonde took a seat on the couch and rested onto a pillow. She poured two cups of peppermint tea, something soothing for the both of them. She brought it to the coffee table and placed one down in front of Amanda.

"Thanks."

"Can I get you anything to eat?" Olivia asked. Amanda shook her head. She sighed as she leaned forward, reaching for her tea. Olivia caught glimpse of her wrists, noticing Amanda had taken off the bandages to shower. "Do you want me to help bandage your wrists? The doctor sent home that cream to help."

Olivia stood and went to the table to open her purse. She'd held onto all the medication Amanda had been given along with the bandages and cream. She pulled the small container out and one of the gauze rolls before making her way back to Amanda. She sat next to her and waited for Amanda to make her move. She opened the container and took some of the cream on her fingers, holding Amanda's hand in her free one. Very gently she began applying a layer around her wrists where the bruising and marks were. She was extra gentle on any part that looked cut or raw.

"Let me know if I'm hurting you," Olivia said, as she glanced at Amanda who nodded. Once the entire area was covered, Olivia grabbed the gauze and wrapped a few layers around her wrist, before she began to do the same on her other wrist. Gentle as Amanda flinched when Olivia passed by a piece on her right wrist that looked painful. Olivia apologized before she finished wrapping the gauze. Once she was finished, she went to wash her hands before returning back to the couch. Amanda had already pulled her sleeves down to cover the bandages and took a sip of her tea. Olivia watched her friend as she stayed silent, just staring off into the distance. She sighed as she heard her phone go off, grabbing it off the table and reading it. She typed a quick response before putting it down. When she looked up she saw Amanda's staring at her with a questioning look, "just Elliot checking in."

"Seeing if you got my statement yet?" Amanda asked, almost snarky, then caught selfish. "Sorry."

"No, nothing to be sorry for," Olivia shook her head. Watching as Amanda looked down at her mug. She sighed as she walked towards her, taking a seat on the couch close to her. She placed a hand on Amanda's forearm, and looked at her with compassionate eyes. It was obvious to see Amanda was starting to get a bit of anxiety over having to disclose information to them, and she didn't blame her. "I know it's hard, and doesn't seem like it now but-"

"I know," Amanda said with an exhausted sigh. She knew Olivia was right. She was going to have to disclose what happened. If they wanted a solid case against Carl Clinton, she would have to tell them what happened and take the stand. She began to have flashbacks to Patton and the anxiety and stress that came along with it. The fact that Sam stopped her in the street to mouth off to her, the looks she got from other detectives, her name plastered. She snapped out of her thoughts as she heard her name. She shook her head at Olivia, "I don't even know what to say."

"All you need to say is the truth," Olivia responded. "What he did to you, what he put you through – that's not on you it's on him. I know it's not fair, none of it is. You were a victim. You didn't ask for any of this-"

"You don't know that," Amanda choked out, catching herself embarrassed. She swiftly placed her tea down and left the room without a word.

Olivia heaved a heavy sigh as Amanda bolted from the room. She sat there a moment, debating on whether to follow her or give her space. Finally, she stood and headed down the hallway. She gently tapped on Amanda's door, leaning on the doorframe.

"Amanda, I'm sorry if I overstepped."

"I keep seeing his face," Amanda said, as if she hadn't even heard Olivia's apology. She just stood with her back towards Olivia, staring out the window. "I try not to, but it's just there – hovering. I feel him on me. No matter how much or how hard I scrubbed myself in the shower I couldn't get the feeling of him to go away."

Olivia stayed silent for a moment, waiting at the doorway until she saw Amanda turn to her with tear filled eyes. She knew exactly what Amanda was going through, she had experienced the same feelings, the same replays in her head after her own assault.

"Amanda," Olivia finally said, walking into the room. She took a seat on the edge of Amanda's bed and placed her hand on it, as if to motion to her to take a seat. "Come here."

She watched as Amanda took a minute before she nodded and joined Olivia on the bed. She grabbed a pillow and placed in her lap, as if it would comfort her. Olivia reached for a tissue from the dresser and gave it to her.

"It happened so quick," Amanda started, her voice trembling. "I left the precinct and next thing I know I felt someone grab me from behind. I struggled to break free, but they were too strong. Next thing I knew, I woke up tied to the bed. I… I was in a white dress. He must've changed me when I was unconscious."

"What happened after you woke up?" Olivia asked softly, trying not to push her.

"He called you, and… well… he um…" Amanda wiped the tears from her eyes, looking at Olivia with a defeated and sad look.

"Was that the only time?" Olivia questioned, continuing when Amanda shook her head. "How many times?"

"I don't know," Amanda responded truthfully. "Six? Seven? I lost track… he… umm… yeah."

"It's okay," Olivia tried to comfort her by taking her hand. She wanted to let Amanda know she wasn't alone.

"The second time was the next morning," she started to say. Olivia listened as Amanda began to tell her what happened. How Carl had grabbed her and forced her over, trying to take her from behind. She'd turned to him, convinced him not to, played into his game to save herself from more pain. How he'd raped her like he did the first time. He came back later as well. She wasn't sure if it had been the afternoon or the night. All she knew was that she had fallen asleep, and a little while after she woke up he came back down to the basement and crawled on top of her. It was as though anytime he'd had a break to recharge he came back. She knew pretty quickly that anytime she saw him it was only a matter of time.

"Did he use a condom?" Olivia asked. She watched as Amanda shook her head. She paused before asking the next question, needing to know as much as she could. Any bit of information Amanda could disclose to her could aid to their case. "Did he… did he force you to give him oral?"

"No," Amanda responded. "He wanted to dominate me… make me…"

"Make you what?" Olivia asked as she watched Amanda choke on her words. She squeezed Amanda's hand as she noticed her anxiety kicked up and her breathing became laboured. "Amanda, it's okay."

"Make me his," she trembled as she exhaled, shaking as she spoke. Those words felt like poison. She felt sick as they left her lips. She couldn't begin to could the amount of times she had repeated that. She felt as though she'd been stabbed in the stomach, it twisted so much. She did her best to continue, "he would tell me I was his, and he would make me say it, over and over and over. I'm yours. Make me yours. And he-"

"Take your time," Olivia moved closer to her and placed a hand on her back, rubbing it to comfort her.

"He always got off on me… in me… he… um…" Amanda struggled for the words. "He'd make sure to feel what he felt…. He'd place his hands on me… in me until he made me experience… until he made me have an orgasm."

"Amanda-"

"The last time he raped me, he didn't even need to toy with me after… to force me to… I just let it happen while he was on me… inside me."

Olivia stared at her, watching as tears streamed down her face. That was why she reacted the way she did when Olivia told her it wasn't her fault, that she didn't want what happened to her. She squeezed Amanda's hand and made her look at her. She had nothing to be embarrassed about. She had nothing to feel guilty about. What Carl did was called rape. He violated her, he assaulted her. Amanda knew it was common for the body to have natural reaction when an assault was happening. Just because her body experienced an orgasm did not mean she wanted or enjoyed what happened to her. That was exactly what Carl wanted her to think, that she wanted to be assaulted, convinced her that she enjoyed what he did to her. That was why he never forced Amanda to perform any sexual acts on him, it was all about his control of her. His manipulation of her body. His physical and emotional abuse.

"Amanda, look at me," Olivia took both her hands in hers, and stared into her eyes. "That doesn't mean anything. You know that. What he did to you was rape. He assaulted you, he abused you. You know that you can't always control the way your body will react to things. This is what he wants, for you to blame yourself."

"I didn't even fight him at the end," Amanda cried. "I just laid down for him and let him do whatever."

"Because you wanted to survive, Amanda," Olivia firmly responded. Trying to make her see. "You are smart, and strong, and brave. You knew exactly what he wanted, and you knew how to pretend to survive. We both heard him say it. When his victims lost hope, they lost their lives. You played his sick game, and that's why you're here right now. Look what you were able to do. After everything he was putting you through, it was you who managed to convince him to go out. It was you who managed to find out approximately where you were. And it was you that was tactile enough to relay the information to us. We might've broken down the door, but you're the one who saved yourself. Do you understand?"

Amanda nodded as she cried, tears streaming down her face. Olivia embraced her as Amanda leaned forward, broken. Olivia wrapped her arms tightly around her, rubbing her back, trying to console her. Amanda laid in her arms crying nearly twenty minutes before exhaustion took over and she passed out. Olivia carefully and slowly leaned Amanda back and rested the blonde's head onto a pillow. She shifted her legs so that she was comfortably on the bed, before grabbing a blanket and covering her. Olivia started at her for a moment, and placed a hand on her cheek, making sure Amanda was okay before she left the room.

She pulled the door closed so there was only a crack, wanting to make sure she could hear Amanda if she woke. She turned the hall light off so it didn't shine into the bedroom before she went and sat on the couch. She sat there silently in the dark for a moment before she began to cry herself, unable to hold her emotions in any longer. She cried for Amanda, for everything she went through, and she cried for herself. Her past feelings of PTSD were rising back up as she related to what Amanda was going through. The physical pain she felt, but the emotional trauma that would continue to follow her. Olivia sat there, thinking of Lewis. Of everything he did to her, the mind games he played, the physical abuse. Each action he took was a way to knock her down, scar her. He wanted Olivia to suffer, and still with all the time that had passed and all the therapy she still had days that he came into her mind, that she could feel him on her body, that his image still haunted her. Seeing Amanda's pain, her emotional scars, it was bubbling up all the emotions Olivia had tried to suppress. She didn't want Amanda to live with the hurt and fear that she did, but she was worried it was already starting. The self-blame, the embarrassment, the terror. As a cop they saw it all the time. They could logically explain someone's reactions and knew exactly why someone would respond a certain way. But as victims it was almost as though they felt they were the exception to the rule. Olivia was determined to make Amanda know she was no exception. It had taken Olivia years of therapy to live with what she went through. She spent so long trying to be strong, she didn't want to lean on anyone, she wanted to overcome it. It took her too long to realize the best way to heal was to lean on those you loved. She wouldn't let Amanda suffer alone. She wouldn't let her victim blame herself, she wouldn't let her tear herself down. She wouldn't let Amanda tear her life or herself apart over the actions of a psychopath.

Olivia sat there crying until she couldn't cry any longer, and she too passed out from exhaustion.