FIND HER: THE HUNT FOR ROLLINS

Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or its characters. The following work is strictly fan fiction.

Story takes place several months after the Season 22 finale.

Note: There will be trigger warnings including kidnapping, rape, assault, etc. Please read to your own discretion.

Chapter 11: Number Four

Olivia watched Amanda's face as she sat to the right of her at the around table. She looked exhausted. Olivia couldn't blame her. She'd gotten up a few times throughout the night to check on her and saw how restless she was. At one point she had to wake Amanda when she saw her almost shake, she was so terrified from her dream. She was thankful her friend fell asleep so quickly after she woke, settling again when she realized it was just a night terror. Still, Amanda's eyes were dark and heavy. She sat uncomfortably in her seat, clearly not wanting to be there. Olivia couldn't blame her.

After taking her statement, Fin had stepped out to grab a glass of water for her. Olivia could see he was clearly holding back his emotions, and trying to stay strong but as Amanda disclosed her details to him his heart was breaking. Before Olivia could open her mouth about Amanda making her disclosure, her detective cut her off simply saying, "I want Fin."

Olivia nodded. She and Fin would take her official statement together. She wasn't surprised by Amanda's request. She trusted Fin with her life, and it was clear how much he cared for her. He had been there through it all. He was the one who had her back when her gambling addiction came to light, he was the one to rush her to the hospital when she was shot, he was the first person in New York she had disclosed the truth about Patton to. Through everything they'd been together he always had her back, and not once did he ever look at her any differently.

As Amanda had given her disclosure, Olivia watched Fin's reaction. He stayed cool and calm. He had a natural ability to appear neutral in any given situation. He consoled her and comforted her, as he always did before he offered to grab her a glass of water. Although a kind gesture, Olivia had to wonder if the request was more for him than for Amanda. He needed a moment, he needed to collect himself and process everything he heard. It was a lot. He needed to be there for his partner and to do so he had to keep himself together.

Amanda said nothing in his absence. She was quiet and docile. It was a lot to emotionally burden, and Olivia planned to take her home when they were finished and let her rest. As they sat in Olivia's office in silence on her couch, she placed a hand on Amanda's back to give her comfort.

Fin was only gone for a few moments before he returned. He closed the door behind him before passing her the water and taking a seat.

"Amanda, do you think you'd be up to doing a line up?" Fin asked, prompting Olivia to become defensive and confused.

"Why is that necessary? We know it was Clinton," Olivia replied unsettled.

"I know but he's spinning a bunch of lies," Fin responded. "Grasping at straws. Since the house he held Amanda in isn't his, and we didn't arrest him in the house, they're arguing the only reason he was arrested was because we know he's the son of Earl Clinton."

"His lawyer is aware that he was in contact with us. That he admitted to us that he took Amanda. He assaulted her in front of me for god's sake."

"I know. Not to mention his DNA matches Amanda's rape kit and the DNA found on the last three victims," Fin responded. "I know, it's a waste of time. Sounds like they have a slew of claims to try. If she can I.D. him in a lineup, it's one less thing they can argue. Barba's on his way."

"Amanda-"

"It's fine," she responded firmly. She put her head down to her lap before she looked up and sighed. "It's not the first time a D.A. has pulled a low stunt. I'll I.D. him, and we'll go. We've been through it before."

"Not with your own assailant," Olivia said gently. "I'd just like you to be prepared."

"I'm fine," Amanda replied swiftly.

Olivia sighed and nodded, letting it go. Based on how Amanda was the previous night, she worried for her friend. However, she also knew pushing her often created friction. She hoped Amanda was right, that she would be able to go in there and identify Clinton without any hesitation. She just wished she'd be willing to take a moment to prepare herself because they'd all seen victims walk into the lineup and freeze.

"Do we know who the D.A. is?" Olivia asked, watching Fin's expression. "Oh god, who're we up against?"

"Calhoun."

"Rita is defending that monster?"

"She sure knows how to pick them."

"Does she know Amanda-" Olivia leaned back in her chair shaking her head as Fin nodded, not needing to finish her question. She had always struggled with how Rita was able to defend the abusers she did, but to agree to defend one who had assaulted one of their own – someone she knew. It was beyond her.

She looked up as Amanda stood, excusing herself to use the washroom. She watched as the blonde left the room without another word. Olivia sighed as she turned to Fin.

"Between you and me, how's 'Manda really doing?" he asked, his concern finally showing through.

Olivia sighed, "she's, uh, she's hanging in there."

"And you?" Fin stared at her. Olivia just looked back and him and shrugged. What was she going to say? Her focus was on Amanda. She didn't want to think or deal with any of her own emotions bubbling up. How was she to care for her detective, for her friend, if she was dealing with her own demons. "Liv, you know I'm here for you too if you need anything."

"I know."

Amanda stared at the window with a blank poker face. She heard everyone talking around her but it was muffled, blurred. She vaguely heard Rita and Barba sniping at each other back and forth behind her, but couldn't make out what they were saying. Frankly, she didn't really care what they had to say.

Before either of them had arrived she'd excused herself from Olivia's office. Needing a moment to herself, a moment to think in silence. As soon as she entered the bathroom she went to the sink to wash her hands before she splashed some water on her face. She grabbed a paper towel and dried herself, tossing the garbage in the bin before she looked in the mirror, staring at herself. She placed a hand to her chest, feeling it begin to tighten. She felt as though she had a small pile of bricks resting upon it, making it challenging to breathe. As she looked in the mirror she shook her head. The bags under her eyes were still dark, her skin still pale. She moved her hair to hide the marks that were beginning to darken on her neck. As she did so she saw the bandages on her wrists. She glanced down at them before she placed her right hand on her left wrist and squeeze. She winced from the pain before she released her own grasp. She stared into the distance as the memory of the pain flashed through her mind. The tugging on the rope over and over. She tugged to get free, she tugged to pull herself up. Any time Carl had touched her she instantly seized and pulled. She snapped herself to attention as she heard her phone buzz. She reached into her back pocket and pulled it out to see who was calling her, making sure if wasn't her mother or her kids.

She sighed as she saw the name Sonny show up. She thought about answering it, hearing his voice. A part of her wanted to hit the green circle, to open the door. She wanted to have him wrap his arms around her and be in his embrace. But she couldn't. She hit the reject button and put the phone back into her pocket before looking into the mirror. How could she face him after everything that had happened? She didn't know how to look at him, how to be around him. She had told Olivia last night, and Fin before she disclosed her attack – she wanted none of it shared to Carisi. She wanted him in the dark. She could tell from their faces they didn't agree with her decision, but they needed to respect it. They weren't there, they didn't know. She could tell them over and over what had happened with every bit of detail she could recall, and still they wouldn't know how she felt. How anytime she looked in the mirror she struggled to see herself. How when she closed her eyes, she saw his face. How no matter how hard she scrubbed her skin in the shower she couldn't get the feeling of him off of her. She was trying her best to appear strong, to hold everything together but she was struggling. She was barely holding herself together and taking it one moment at a time. Olivia had always preached that bottling things up and suppressing things wouldn't make the hurt go away, that often it could make the hurt worse. As much as she wanted to prove Olivia wrong, after Patton's trial Amanda realized she was right. Talking about it helped, she felt a sense of freedom. The burden of everything she buried was lifted.

She tried to remember that when she disclosed what had happened to her to Olivia and Fin. Although it was hard, and embarrassing, and painful – she hoped the truth would help her get through it. It didn't feel like it right now, but as Olivia pointed out, it would eventually. The thing was, what happened with Patton and what happened with Clinton felt so different. With Patton she was embarrassed and trapped. He was her boss and she had put herself in a horrible situation. He took advantage, and she tried to put it down. However, with Clinton she was just heading home. She was taken, drugged, and abused over and over. He played mental games with her, hurt her. At least with Patton she knew it'd be over soon. With Clinton she didn't know if she'd ever get out alive. If she'd ever see her girls again. Both were assaults. Both were rapes. Yet, they were completely different, and she wasn't quite sure how to cope with this one. She tried to remember what worked after Patton. What she learned, what her therapist recommended she focus on, she was trying - but it felt like she was using study notes from a completely different subject. How was she supposed to process how she felt, and what she was doing on her own if Carisi was around? Besides, he didn't deserve to see her like that.

Amanda heaved a heavy sigh as she shook her head before looking at herself in the mirror. She could do this, she could get through this. She just had to remember that he was in custody and couldn't hurt her. A quick I.D. and they could go home that was it. It wasn't long after she had returned back to Olivia's office that Barba had shown up. She was too exhausted to go back over the details with him, and truthfully she didn't want to. She was thankful he didn't ask her to. He simply greeted her, asked if she was alright, and told her they were ready for her.

As she stared out into the mirror aimlessly, she flinched when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Olivia pulled away and apologized seeing she caught her off guard.

"It's okay, sorry I was just lost in thought," Amanda responded, nodding to her.

"Just take your time," Olivia reminded her. "I'm right here if you need me."

Amanda nodded, taking a deep breath when she realized they were about to begin the lineup. Immediately as Carl Clinton walked out, she knew it was him. Those eyes had stared at her for so long they were burned in her memory. She felt sick as she watched him in the lineup. While the other men in the lineup stared blank faced, Carl stood there with a partial smirk as if he knew she was there. She bit her lip, of course he knew she was there. He was a psychopath but not an idiot.

"Number Four," Amanda said coldly.

"Are you certain?" Barba asked to confirm.

"Yes, Number Four," Amanda responded. She heard Olivia's voice but hadn't caught what she said. Amanda's eyes were focused on Carl. Her lips were pierced her fists clenched, her heart pounding a mile a minute.

Fin tapped on the glass four times to indicate it was him. As the guards went to have the men turn to leave, Amanda watched as Carl's smirk simply became bigger.

"I want you to know I've missed you," he said loudly as he stared directly into as if he were looking right at her face to face. "I did this all for you, because I knew you missed me too."

"Get him out of here!" Fin shouted through speaker as pressed the buttons to hurry the guards up at escorting Clinton and the others out of the room. He glanced at Amanda who stood frozen in place just staring at him. Olivia took her arm, trying to lead her away from the class but Amanda's body was stiff, her eyes locked with his.

"Are you happy to see me? I know you are; you were always happy to see me. I remember every single moment you begged for me," he banged on the glass. He laughed struggling from the guard who grabbed his arms, trying to get him out of the room but Clinton's large and broad frame made it a challenge to move quickly as he struggled to stay. His face turned vicious, demanding, aggressive. "Say it. The truth. Tell me you're mine."

"I'm yours."

Olivia and Fin immediately looked at Amanda as they heard the words leave her lips in unison with Clinton's. Her face was pale, her expression blank. It was as if she was caught in a trace.

"I'll see you soon, Amanda," Carl laughed as a second guard came up on his other side and helped to remove him. A satisfied, smug grin on his face as he was pulled from the room.

Fin glanced from Olivia who was focused on Amanda to Barba and then to Rita. When he locked eyes with her, Rita pulled herself together, trying to hide the shock that was against her face. The lineup hadn't completely gone as expected.

"See you at arraignment," she said to Barba before she left in a rush. He didn't even acknowledge her. He simply shook his head before looking at Fin.

"Amanda?" Olivia said, trying to break her from her trance. Amanda just stared blankly through the glass. Her entire body was stiff as if it had seized completely. She glanced at Fin who came closer to them before she moved to stand in front of her friend. She placed her hands on each side of Amanda's cheeks trying to get her attention. "Amanda? Honey? It's okay, you're safe. He's gone."

She watched as Amanda's eyes slowly began to bat open and closed, as if she was coming out of the trance but as her body began to unfreeze, she seemed unsteady on her feet.

"Amanda?" she repeated, holding onto her arm. "Are you okay?"

"I can't, I can't," Amanda shakily reached for her chest, shaking and gasping, suddenly struggling for air.

Within a second, Olivia watched as Amanda's eyes rolled to the back of her head and her body go limp as she collapsed.