FIND HER: THE HUNT FOR ROLLINS

By Arizona Romance

Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or its characters. The following work is strictly fan fiction.

Story takes place several months after the Season 22 finale.

Note: There will be trigger warnings including kidnapping, rape, assault, etc. Please read to your own discretion.

I want to apologize to everyone that messaged me or commented. Thank you so much for your kind words, and I am sorry it's taken me so incredibly long to continue this. Thanks so much for the reviews so far!

Chapter 13: Therapy

"Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom smiled softly as he held the door open for her as she walked through. She took a heavy sigh before she sat down on his black leather sofa. "It's been a while."

"It has," she replied as she pierced her lips. It seemed like every time she thought she was done with therapy something would happen and she would be right back where she started in his office.

"I heard about Detective Rollins," he said as he took a seat in the chair across from her with a sympathetic look. "How is she?"

"Best she can be under the circumstances."

"And yourself?" he asked, waiting for her as she stared at him for a moment, not exactly sure where to start. Even though she had known Dr. Lindstrom for years, sometimes she still struggled to find a way to say what she felt. It often made her feel like a hypocrite. How many times had she told someone to just say how they feel to just let it all out and yet there she was struggling. She knew how much Amanda hated seeing a therapist, that she had mixed emotions about them, and yet even Amanda agreed to go and see Dr. Hanover. Olivia could tell she was relieved when she disclosed that she would be seeing Dr. Lindstrom as well, so that Amanda was not alone in the process. He had made time in his schedule for her quickly, which she appreciated. She had so much going on in her mind, she thought she'd be prepared to just let it all out, yet there she was: feeling at a loss for words. "It never gets easier, Olivia, does it?"

She smirked and shook her head, "no, no it doesn't."

"Well, let's just ease into it," he said gently, his voice calm and soothing as per usual.

"This whole thing is just a formality," Amanda said as she stared at Dr. Hanover, waiting for a reaction. "Really. I'm fine."

"Okay."

"I swear the smallest thing happens and they want you to talk to someone."

"Do you think what you went through was small?" Dr. Hanover asked, watching as Amanda took a deep breath and made an unconvincing shrug as if she wanted to ignore the comment or move past it. "Amanda, what you went through wasn't small. It was actually quite significant."

"I have helped countless of women in worse situations," Amanda replied, in a frustrated tone as she stood. "Women who have been raped, or beaten, and left half for dead. We have saved women who have been held captive since they were eight years old. Teenage girls who've been in trafficking rings. I could go on and on for days, and that's not even counting the men out there that I've met in situations just as horrid."

"You can't compare what you went through to them."

"How can I not? These women go through unspeakable things and yet they can hold themselves together and I'm-"

"You're what? You're not?" Dr. Hanover watched as Amanda locked eyes with her for a moment before looking away, not wanting to admit the truth. "What you see, Amanda, is a mask. These women, they're not recovering in a blink of an eye. They're trying to put on a brave face to protect themselves, sort of like you you're doing. They show up to the courtroom, and they've put up a wall to do what they need to do to make it through the moment. The fact is, even if their abuser is found guilty, it doesn't take away their pain or memories or any of the fear they possess. It's about one day at a time and finding ways to cope. We've been seeing each other for a while now, and you said time and time again you put up a wall. You need to, in order to protect yourself – from your family, your addiction, or anything else that might waiver you. Do you remember what happened after Detective Bucci came here?"

"No."

"You tried to put up a wall, and that came crashing down pretty hard," Dr. Hanover said, watching Amanda as she looked up and nodded, acknowledge her words. "It was a scary situation. I, myself, struggled with the repercussions. It took a lot to be able to come back to my office without anxiety, much like it took you to return to your normal routines. That's why we also have people in our lives to rely on."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Captain Benson has been staying with you, has she not?"

"Yes."

"And what about Dominick? He's been a big part of your life, but I haven't heard you mention him. Are you still together?"

"I uh… yes. We are."

"Is he doing alright?"

"I don't know."

"He hasn't been around?"

"Uh… no."

"Is that by choice?" Dr. Hanover asked, watching as Amanda became uncomfortable when she brought up his name in conversation. She sighed as she watched her patient begin to fidget become nervous. "Often people find it's easier to push loved ones away because they think they're protecting them, but they don't realize how important it is to allow their loved ones in to support them and heal through things together. Dominick has been by your side for many frightening moments."

"I know."

"So why the need to push him away now?"

"Because what am I supposed to say to him?" Amanda almost snapped, catching herself as she felt a tear run down her cheek. "I can't even look at him. How am I supposed to look at the man I love when I can't even look at myself? I look at my wrists and the lines from the ropes are still there. I go to the bathroom, and I still have bruises healing from where Carl would grab me and force my legs apart. I can still feel him on my constantly and no matter how many showers I take, or how hard I scrub, or how hot the god damn water is, I cannot shed the feeling. So, no, I haven't talked to him or seen him since, because I can't have him look at me the way I'm looking at myself. I will not come back from that."

"I will have you know I have never once looked at you any differently. Captain Benson, Detective Tutuola, your squad does not see you any differently. I bet, if you let him in, Dominick would not see you any differently. What you experienced, the trauma that you have, is heavy Amanda. What you're feeling is a natural reaction to that. You are only human, and it is okay to need support."

As Dr. Hanover said support, Amanda suddenly felt like she needed it. She put her arm out, grabbing the couch to steady herself as the room began to spin. Dr. Hanover was immediately on her feet, and reaching for her blonde patient. She took Amanda's other arm and helped steady her, waiting until the spinning stopped before helping her over to the couch. She brought Amanda an empty garbage can as she saw her shoulders shift and her hand go to her mouth as if she was about to throw up.

"I'm sorry," Amanda shakily said, nodding a thank you as Dr. Hanover brought her a water bottle from the mini fridge in her office and sat across from her on the coffee table, "I don't know what came over me."

"It's a lot to take in."

"I've been feeling so sick lately. I'm constantly nauseous, and dizzy."

"Are you getting any sleep? Eating regularly?" Dr. Hanover asked, watching as Amanda shrugged, looking as though all the colour had drained from her face. "We have half an hour left, but I think we've done enough for today. Why don't you lay down, close your eyes and rest. I have no appointments after this, so you can stay as long as you need."

"I'm okay, it's fine, I have someone picking me up."

"And when they get here, if you're sleeping, I will let them know," Dr. Hanover said as she took the container from Amanda and placed it on the floor beside her as the blonde nodded and slowly but shakily laid down on the couch, resting her head on the pillow. She took a deep breath trying to ease the nausea, and within a moments time she was out.

"There is nothing more you could have done."

"I just keep feeling like I failed in every possible way," Olivia replied. "I keep thinking if I had just waited. If I had walked out with her, she wouldn't have been alone when she was attacked, and this would never have happened."

"You had no way of knowing there was any danger. You also don't know what that man was capable of. Even if you had been there, it's no guarantee the same thing wouldn't have happened. For all you know, your life would have been at risk."

Olivia sighed. She knew he was right, there was always the possibility that Carl had a weapon on him. If she had been there it was possible Amanda would've been safe, that they both would have, but also the possibility Olivia herself got hurt… or worse. She knew she couldn't change the past or predict the future, but it didn't stop the twisted feeling in her stomach. It was the same feeling she had with Lewis. Had she just left ten minutes later, if she had decided to go for a drink, if she had just done one thing differently, could she have avoided all of it. Maybe not, but wonder would always be there. She knew it was something she had to work through, yet this felt so much worse. With Lewis, she was dealing with her own thoughts. Her own trauma. Her own reaction to everything done to her. This time was different, Olivia was targeted in such a way to cause psychological damage. Carl knew exactly what he was doing when he sent her those messages. He had set everything up in such a way that she would be made to experience Amanda's trauma without experiencing it physically herself. She was left with a sense of trauma and PTSD that was hard to explain. Yet, Olivia found herself feeling guilty whenever she was affected by her own PTSD of what happened, especially when she was in the presence of the very person who had physically been through the trauma herself. How could she be experiencing flashbacks and pain when Amanda was sitting there next to her with the bruises and the nightmares of everything that happened. Olivia was not the one tied up to a bed, trapped and at the mercy of a psychopath… and yet, she had been not long ago. She knew what it was like to struggle with every ounce of strength you had. She knew what it was like when you get to the point of such utter exhaustion that for a moment you stop caring. She knew what it was like not to know if you would be trapped there forever, or even get out of there alive. It's a feeling you never forget.

"I just-" Olivia stopped as she heard her phone buzz. She picked it up and saw a message from Fin: "Call me after your appointment." Although she knew if had been urgent or serious, he would have called, Olivia felt too much anxiety to go the rest of her session without checking in. She just needed to know Amanda was alright and the appointment went well before she could continue her own session without distraction. "Sorry, I need to take this."

"Of course."

"Hey Fin, is everything okay?" Olivia asked immediately as soon as Fin answered the phone, she had barely given him a chance to say hello.

"Liv, I said call me after your appointment," Fin replied sighing.

"I know, I'm sorry, but I just wanted to make sure everything is alright."

"Yeah, I just talked to Dr. Hanover. She said during their conversation, Amanda started getting dizzy and sick, so she had her lay down. She's been out for about forty minutes now, so I'm just waiting around till she wakes up. Sounds like she needs the rest."

"Uh okay," Olivia sighed, worried about her.

"Liv, don't worry. I got her okay. Take your time with Lindstrom. I'll meet you back at your place when we are ready here."

"Thanks Fin," Olivia replied as she hung up the phone, before returning to the couch.

"Everything okay?"

"I think so. Uh, where were we?"