CHAPTA 3

AN: But Hope u hav me fookin sweeter love. I'll get da mafia to hit u up. But I did have a gud time in inglund fangz. Was like well rainy they're.

I wuz in Godrick's Bich. I wuz sat on da beach wiv Eljiah from da pub cos he had said dat I needed to go on a quest wiv him 2 get ma glasses from da dargon and he had said dat I needed his hlep 2 do it. I fink he is kinda annoying but like maybe he is God and dat cud helo me.

I wuz wearing a looong white satan dressing gown and I had big flip flops on. On my head wuz a small wizard's hat (cos dumblydore is not as big as in da future). Eljiah had a big band t-shit on dat said Metaltalkaline on it in big goffik (not goffik tho cos am prep) letters. He wuz also smoking a big fat ciguret cos he thought he looked well cool but he so wuz not he looked like a stooped goff – and probs was in2 choking as well (perv).

"Where does da dargon live den?" I asked him sexily.

"I dnt know but someone made a map and den dey lost it and den da dargon found it and buried it on dis beach… … … … … … so no ppl would ever find it!"

I gapsed.

"Omh so we hav to find da map den?!1!?1111" I puzzled.

"Yep."

"Okay."

Eljiah walked onto da beach and lifted up a smoll rock. He gapsed. And then I gasped.

"I founded da map!" He picked up a massive scroll dat was wrapped in all black lacey stuff, and was rlly wet from being in da sand. He put it out on da floor and it showed where da dargon lived.

Eljiah sighed, suicicidally.

"So cliché: he lives on 666 MCR Way, dat's like so goffik. And also it's like only feyev minites away from godrik's bitch!"

I was shocked at da news dat da dargon lived so close to my hometown and dis was da first time I had been seein him fllying aboot und stealing ma glassesss.

"So which way does he live?" I aksed, preppily.

"North. Not far." Elijah scremed at me.

I turned south. All of a suddenly I rembemered dat when da pub burnt down dis morning I had burnt all ma cloves, rip. So I needed to go to da preppy stores nd by sum new ones to fite da dragun in.

"Can we go to Hogsment City first den?" (AN before it was Hogsmeade it wuz Hogsment and before it was dat it was Hogsment City cos it was bigger – spoilers cos is cant say) "I wunt to go to da shops!"

"Omg why tho? It's rlly far!" He shooted arngrily.

O kept walking south. I was gong to hogsment city wever he wuz coming wiv me or not.

Eljiah followed anngriyl.

"Cos I need 2 go to da shops to buy some more cloves. Cos all my cloves got burned in da fire – look all my clothes have fire on dem."

I wuz wearing a chard set uv sandals and a deep blu mutton up shrit, wiv some broken sungalses and some creamy shorts. Eljiah wuz wearing a kimono.

"Ugggh oke!" Eljiah sighed with anger in his voice as he followed me.

Den we waked along da road in silence for 2 days after leaving Godrikik's Beach. But den we got to a bend in da road dat was by da sea and we saw a big black cage surrounded by ppl and their was a man in it… … … … … it was da mystery of magik, da great honour roughball cornelia fucked.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" I scremed and I runned over 2 dem.

He wuz surrounded by da lyf dealers, dis was dem before Voldimort made dem deal in deaths. Suddenly da life dealers stopped singing "Helena" (it's a rlly goffik song dats what ma friends tell me) at Corknell and dey wiped off their masks! They were from Scooby Dooby Dee! Dey had a Coolsville look about dem.

Velma shouted at me and threw her wand at me. It just landed on da floor.

"Go away! Go away!" Velam scremed at me.

Fred joined in YEAH FUCK OF YOU FOOKIN BASTARD FUCK YOU LEAVE US ALONE. They stuck deir middle fungers up at me.

"nooooooo!" corneliiius shouted cos he wuz scared he wood die. "Dey are gonna kil me nd I don't have my womb wiv me. Help me Bumblydore! You my only hop!"

"Shaggy said: no fuck you you crazy fycker. He is our prisoner!"

Den da main man came. And he was da leader of da lyf dealers. Like a voldemont before voldimort. It wuz da Dogfather (AN: geddit cos he is like da godfather if da lyf dealers were the mafia, and he is also doggo, hahahahahahahhah). He had big brown ears.

"BORK! He barked at me 2 go away." Leave us alun we are gonna kill dis man. (I can spk dogfather so I translutted in my head, and to eljiah who wuz looking scared cos he couldn't do good magicks like I could)

"PLEASSSEEE!" Fucked shouted again.

I thought long and hard about wut to do, for like 40 minutes I fink, just staring into da middle distance, and den I decided. I culdnt reach ma wand cos was in ma back pocket nd I had done da zip up nd it would take too long, so a reached into ma bread and pulled out ma shotgoon.

Then, I got a headak!

"YOU MUTHAFUCKS!" I shooted arngrily, and den I shooted arngrily wix my shotgun, and day all got shot and died. Deir hands fell off and they died.

"NOOOOO!" The Dogfather borked at me, and then he died.

"JINKIES.! Vlema died 2.

"I COULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY…" Fred wuz dead.

(AN: Ik I said da lyf dealers died here but lik voldimort can make over ones he is volximoent oke he is powerful!)

Cornelly fucked has hands on the bars, and shouts out us wiv a big beaming smile.

"FANK U SOME UCH! Dat wuz amaze so much better dan wands, im gunna make it law dat all wizard must carry a gun!"

I had changed da world and was happy b out it. Den me and Eljiah walked away from Corenly Fucker and continued walking along da sea path. Another day went by in silence, and den it started to rain and snow at da same tiem omg. I wuz only wearing a thin white nightshirt dat said Big Baloon on it, and I had wet shoez on. Elijah also wore cloves (cba descrivign)

After one week of walking, we came around a corner and dere on da horizon was Hogsment City…. But it was… … … … … … … …. … … … … … FIRE!

AN: DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Cliffhanger, but dw it's all gunna be oke cos hogsment is in da later books.