CHAPTER 4 – ALICE IN PREPLAND

AN: I DNT have ya fookin swet mate1. We not gon b friends if ya keep flaming up like dis all da time! But fangz 2 our fans we luv ya very much cos you're all absoloote baybz.

I walked in2 Hogsment City: it was very cold and all da wind was howling around the house corner corners. Like a wolf (AN: like Loopin in da books, but he's not in dis yet – might be later idk, oke stop stressing!). It was raining and snowing at the same time, and that made me very concerned.

When I wuz a little boy dere was an old wise woman in the village of Godrik Bitch. Her name was Jojo C WAHHH. She told stories of an ancient spirit dat would vist the world once every few thousand hundred years and it's arrival would be heralded by the falling of both snow and rain: she spoke the name Way 2 me. But it never made too much sense. Now dis strang weather wuz happening and it concerted me much. Brought back old memories of 4gotten thymes.

Anyway, I wuz in a good mood bcos da prep store was nearby apparently, I new cos I looked up nd I saw a sign in da sky dat sed Abercrumb nd Filch is over there. I smiled. I jumped up and down so happy screaming about ma new clothes, and Eljiah let me bcos he knew how much I luvd clothes nd preppy stores – even if luv wuz cliché 2 him.

We walked around the corner and there was the promised land of Abercornby and finch. It had big windows full of clothes and a big sign over the door that had a photo of Gabriella from High School Musical 3 (specifically, the hair and everything) on it. I pushed open the door and looked inside where it was even colder, and angels were like singing to me – if I had to name da song I'd probably say "Shake it Off" from T Swizzle's Diamond-certified 1989 smash hit (yesss bcoz she is da queen of sales – but lets be real adele sells more, no shade no tea jus facts baby. So stup flaming at me. Bitch).

I went over two the racks and I looked at all da beautiful clothes. There were so many different t shits and trousers and jacksons and jackts, dey all looked so great that I couldn't pick just one so I pulled a rack ov cloves into da changing rooms wiv me. Da guy behind the desk wuz gonna stop me, but when he looked in ma eyes he cud see how much I luved da clothes dat he was selling so he just stayed quiet.

First I tried on a purple shrit which had a drawing of Britney Speaks on it, and she was smiling nd so wuz i. Then I didn't like it so I picked up more cloves, a big kimono that wuz maid of lots of fabric and covere din flowery designs like carnations, sweet peas, marry golds, roses, tulip, lillies, daisies, daffodils, sunflowers, forget me nots, irises, violet, bluebells, lotus, hydrangeas, grapes and tangerines. I rlly liked dat one so I pt it in a big bag that I had brought wiv me.

Soon I had filled a whole 6 bags of cloves with cloves, and so I went up 2 da store clerk, making Eljiah carry most of dem bcos I wuz lazy (but also weak, cos like cmon id been travelling wiv no sleep for like a week on da road from Godrik's Beach).

"Put them on the desk I need 2 scan them." The man behind the counter said. He had icy blue eyes and a nose and everything.

"No. I've put dem all in muh bag so dnt wnt 2." I shooted.

He sighed. "Okay. I guess you can just pay for da cloves den cos I saw you in da changing rooms n you looked so beautiful in that utfit."

"Hot." I said, sexily, byeting my lips and chin and licking my cheek.

The bell over the door rang, as I got my money out of my beard. It was seven stacks of big dolla dolla bills, cos they ddn't have wandtactless, very unsafe in dese troubled thymes of dargons. YOU CAN TAKE MUH GLASSES BUT NUT AM CA5RD LMAO FEEL LILKE BHRAVEHEART THERE WHEN I SAY DAT – IT IF I WAS SOCTISSH DATS WHO I WUD BE DON'T YOU FINK?/?/?/?. My hands were trmebling on da money as I held it, and da store man reached for it.

"I… … … Had a vision" A shmol voice came from behind my write leg "of him taking dat money and then that meaning dat you legally own da cloves on dat big bag that the funny little messiah is holding."

At dat moment the money left me grip, and her property was full filled!111111 NO FUCKING WAY 9M SHOOK!

"You is a psychic! Ermahgerd u see da future!" My eyes were puzzles at dis small girl, who was no taller dan my kneecaps "Are you a magical like me!?1?!/11/!?"

"Nuh. I am a vrompire. Nd I can see da future and have visions of da future, seeing da future in visions in my head. Pppl r scarred of me cos I'm su powerful but they don't need to fear me, dey jst don't under stand me." The little woman sed.

"Wow how cliché. Ure a vamprie and u is also misunderstood by da ppl around u. maybe you catually is scray and a bit of an asshole!"

Alice looks unbothered, jabbing bag "Fangz. Dat doesn't bovver me wot u think of me bcos u will die one day I has seen it. But I is a vampire nd so I cant die I'm immortal, I will endure, and even when da would has descended into drkness and da great dargons and salamanders have drunk all of da sn's fire and dis world turns in silence, only dust on da surface, I will still be. I will go on on on and on on and on, just like da Twilight Series. LMFAO."

Eljiah is taken abackack by dis. He is severely roasted by this little vampy woman.

"SO IF U IS A PSykick den tell me: do I get ma galsess back from da dargon? I feel naked wivout muh glasses on. And eljiah says I need dem to see da truth." I qeshtuned her.

"You will find ur glases, and so much mor dan dat little Dumblybum."

"WHAT DO YOU-" I went to object. I wuz taller dan her. She wuz little woman.

She stuck her middle finger up at me, cutting me off like a fucking goff.

"No thyme for convosations or bog reveals."

"But y wnt you tell me wot you mean?!1?1?1?" I shat wisely.

"Bcos it's too early in the plot, and the Gods wanna drag this out (AN: Me n Buckley hahahahahahahahahahahahafhhfhfahfahaha)" She put her finger over my lips to stop me spking again, honestly idk how tf she reached dat high. "I am gong to come with u to fight da dargon, he also stole from me and so I want fingz back."

"What did he steal?" I aksed as tears of blod formed in her eye.

"My dog Jasper. I miss cumin home to find that he has shat on da floor again." She paused nd straed into the middle distance and I could see her face falling apart, kind of, I'd put put it back 2getha if I could. Then she said we have 2 find Duchiss Doris Rumbridge, she is da Queen of da Dragon Hunt nd she can help us find da dragon cos u dnt know where it is, do u?

"No." I shook my head. Eljiah agreed with me. We were clueless. Da dargon could have been anywhere – we were fools to its flying habits.

"OKAY ELTS ALL GO TO 2 DA CASTLE!" We ealked out of da doors, and suddenly I saw a shop of food.

There was a shelf by the door that had lil knight lock berryies in big buckets. Dat was my uncle katniess evergreen's favourite food!

"Wow!" I exclaimd "Those berries are my uncle's favourite food."

"Who is ur Uncl?" Alice asked me. Confused.

"I fought you was side kick?" I sed.

"Oh yea. His name is Katnip Evergedengy"

Again, she shocked me with her knowledge. I asked Eljiah if he still wanted to come 2 for dinner with my uncle cos he had been invited.

"Elijah, are u still gonna come have dinner wiv me and my uncle?" Alice looked sad cos I ddnt invite her, but like tbf it was me unc's house.

"Idk mate. Might be dead then. How cliché of me."

"Fook of Eljiah." Then I looked back at tha berrets "Im gunna buy dem for ma uncle."

I picked up a big bucket of night cock berries and walked into the store with me in my hand. Behind the counter was that really really really really hawwwttt – like so fkin hawttt man – man who looked like Saw Mednelly. He was gunna sell me the berries cos I was a customer.

"I want these berries." I said, sexily, chewing on ma lips.

Swan Mendel-look alike grimaced at me.

"I dnt sell 2 fookin preps in dis store. You stupid fucking slag!" He shooteed arngriyl, and I started to cry into my gloves. And I dropped da bouquet of flours on2 da floor. They spilled everywhere nd Swan Mendel-man had 2 pick them up cos he woked here.

"I'm suh surry." I kept cring and cring, but it was wise. "I dnt mean to drop them."

"Its oke. Ik they are 4 ur uncle Katniss Everspank, I herd u outsighd. Nd I fink dat is nice. Im gunna make n expectation nd sell 2 u cos u are a hot prep."

I blushed, and I kept biting bits of my face all sexily and flirtily. Oooooh la la.

"Ooooh fangz." I looked down at da floor cos he made me all nvervous.

"We should meet later 4 a coffee or a quick shag." Hawt goffik man winked at me nd I nodded like an excited Churchill dog.

"oku. Behind da abercrumbie nd filch store, du you know it?" I aksed "Meet me there."

He said oke, but then he said we should meet somewhere less preppy, like under a big fookin tree and so I said alright and then I left with ma big bucket of berries, I could see as I walked out of da door he had a massive escalation in his pandas, and it looked huge and everyfing.

Me, Alice, Eljiah and da bucket of berries walked through tha big city up 2 da castle which was on a hill, and was rlly pink. In front of the gates was a big statue of a kitten licking its own arse brazenly cos it didn't give a fook. Da guards aksed why we were there, nd I told them why nd who I was, nd they let me in.

In the grate hall, Doris Rumbridge (da Duchiss) wuz sat on a big frilly pink frown and suddenly dere was a big burst of pink cloud.

AN: Do ship dem?