CHAPTA SEVEN – OPEN PROFFESSER MIC NIGHT

AN: OI ALAN WE STILL DNT FOOKIN LIKE YOU! HOP U RNT READING DIS BOK ANYMORE COS IT WILL GIV U FUCKIGN AIDS MATE. PS. I DNT OWN SHAKIRA AND HER FAMIYL.

I, Dumblyskittle Wuflric Biran Kidney Bean Dumbedlym, waved at the hand yam in da lake, and it just stuck its middle funger up at me. It was a fat finger. So fat. So wide. Juicy. Yum.

Then the finger snack below da waves, and den a big tidal wave came and it swept us all off da beach and all da way into a forest! We were all so wt. ELjiajaj bust into tearz. Making himslef even more weettter.

"I dnt wnt to be wet after war tur!" He shat "It's so clickky!"

OH ELJAIAJ JUST FUCK OFF. Even Alice agreed and she licks evryun so dat wuz kinda scray. But ye he was a pric. Alice suddenly leapt on him, ripping the skin off his neck and biting into his deep deep veins. Blood was fucking pouring everywhere and Alice just drank all of his fookin blood and just fucking orgasmed in her eyes rolling back in her head inher eyes in hear head in ear eyes head. I had some funny brian hammeridge. Thankfully eliha didn't di cos he was the fookin messiah and messiahs can only die if music icons boot dem off walls and even den they can be bought back to lyfe by praying to jesus and all his lil goblins.

We ddnt know where we wdre going. I asked alice if she could show us th way. But she just shook her head and had sum sort uv breakdown screaming in2 her hads and biting off her own hands. Just whispering plot fucking plot hole dat is me and then she bruedi herself in a shallow grave before I dug her up and she crid. Again.

So I took it upon maself to find the way to the witch's hut. 1 yr later I came 2 da conclooosion dat we had better as 4 directions. We came around a corner that had a corner on it, and we found da pub dat all da locals told us 2 go to: it was called; The Five Boomstick Arms.

I saw da door was closd. And so I blasted it off its fucking shitty hinges with magic. Inside there were a lot of fucking homesless looking people who had no clothes on, and all their clothes were shite. All focking crap honestly who the fuck were they?Ther e were even goffs sitting in da darkest part of da pub where they had smashed all da lights up with their eyeliner and eyesharrow, they stuck their fiddly mungers up at me, and whispered fooking prep to each other, and it made me think dat maybe da hand in the lake was sag off cos it stuck its middle finger at me and it made me die inside.

Behind da bar there was a really hoyt hoyt goffik man and then I remembered: it was swan mednle and he still loved me!

"DUMBELSLUT!" he cried as came all over my forehead in front oif everyone. The police turne dup cos public indecendy but bcos we looked so fucking gorgeous together they all just pissed off.

"How are you?" I aksd him.

"I'm good. How are you? How is alice?" Swan Minge booted.

She is having visuns. She always is.t he mad bitch. And elujah is a cunt still.

"Yes. Greaty." Swan graced my hand and put it in his pants to feel his you know what…. …. …. …. /… … big.

"DUMBLYDORE WANTS A REALLY FROOTY COCK (GEDDIT) TAIL, MAYBE A COSMOLEAF, AND ALICE WANTS VODKA BUT HONESTLY PUT IT IN A DRIP AND SHOOT IT RITE UP HER VEINS. ELJIAH CAN FOOK OFF. TEHIR IS A DOG BOWL OUTSIDE."

I SAID.

Suddenly, all the lights in the Five Boomsticks Legs went out, and a big light came on. A spotligbht. A light… sort uv in one spot. It illumted a DARK LADY (btu she wuz not drk anyhmore cos she was in da light)

And the lady begging to sing.

"SHAKIRA SHAKIRA!" A voice bellowed from the ceiling. Sounded like death.

"OH BABY WHEN U TALK LIKE THATATAATAT. YU MEK A WIMEN GOO MAD. SO BE RIGHT. AND KEEP ON. READING DA SINGS OF MA BOOTY. I''''''''''''MMMM ON TONIGHT. YOU KNOW WITCHES DON'T LIE – AND THE TIME IS FEELING RIGHT."

I FOUGHT DAT MA UNCLE DOGPAW SWINDLEFUCK COULD SING BETETR DAN THIS STUPID BITCH. She was falling falt on all of the notes, and her angelic voice filled da room and everyone loved it. Even my eardrums weer bleeding.

All of a suddenly, I spooted four chairs in a da middle of da pub dat were there b4 but im fucking blind so didn't see dem – don't have myg alssess see cos fooking dargon fooking messuing up fooking things.

In da chairs were four homeless people: Sir Tom Jones, Will.U.R, Jessie J with her fug smucking smile cos she fought she was da best singer ever I mean ye her voice is great but luv you luv yaself too much 4 ppl to take ya seriously cos ya act like a wanker. Going on a Chinese show and den screaming cos ya album don't chart – cos it was shite mate. And the otter one was meghan trainor cos she now had no money and worked at Da Nineteen Boomsticks Fingers for free and lived in the shed.

THE DARK LADY TOPPED SINGING. DUDNCD SDF9AGBWSOAFBGEWKROGEIBQ\EIASTG\. ….

I DOUTED SHE WAS EVEN A WITCH COS WITCHES WERE POWERFUL PPL.

ALL DA CHAIRS FROM DA VOICE (NOT DA VOICE KIDS YA FUOOKIN NONCE) SLOWLY TURNED COS SHE HADNT DONE ENOUGH TO MAKE THEM WANNA SING. LETS BE FOOKIN REAL EVEN IF THEY HAD AND SHE HAD WON THE DAMN COMPETITION SHE WUD NOT HAVE BEEN A SUCCESS BCOS THEY NEVER FUCKING ARE, I EAN LIKE 3 TOP 40 HITS OFF SEVEN SEASONS. GIVE IT A REST MATE.

THE DARK LADY'S EYES FILLED WITH RAGs. She had not been picked for the BVoice Battle Rounds. She screamed and all their heads exploded. Meghan trainor's head flew at me and I caught it in my arms b4 throwing it in le trash.

SHE WAS A WITHC?!1?1/1?1?1/11?1/

ALICE NODDED AT ME. I KNEW DIS BUT CUDNT TELL YOU BCOS SUSPSENSE!1! I CRY. SHE SHOT HERSELF AGAIN POOR GIRL.

I APPROACHED THE DARK LADY, AND PEERED THROUGH THE SPECTACULARS, SLOWLY LICKING SMALL CIRCLES ON DEM WITH MY TONGUE. She breathed into my chin. Hot.

"Who r u?" I aksed her.

"Professor Mike." FOOKING SHOCK. FOOK OFF NO WAY.