CHAPTUH EIGHT – THE JOURNEY FROM LE FIVE BOOMSHTICKS TO GRANDE HOGSMENT SWIGGY

AN: HAVE U FUND UR SWEETER YET BUCKETLY? ITS GETTING VRY COLD HERE IN FORKS (AND SPOONS), AND I M WORRED BUT YOU IN DA SNOW. IF IT SNOWS YU MIGHT GET TACKED BY BEAR LIKE IN DA REVNANT – LEO WUN OSKAH BUT SHUD HAVE WON 4 TITANIC!

Proffy McGoncackle house was booming with music. The carpet on da floor was like all brown as if it was old… cos I think it wuz old, and dere were lots of pictures of hot shemxy men in spectangles, and big poofy robes.

I dragged my shmol hand over McGonk's right boob, and she peered into my eyes with curiosity, wondering how I had gotten in her house after she opened the door for me. Eljiajaj and Alice were off somewhere else in da house exploring all the nooks and crannies. They were probs already drunk and Alice had mayb torn off elywa's head again and shat upon it in the toilet bowl.

"We have come for the heart of stoen." Alice said, breathing down the back of Mcdonald's pants, inhaling the air.

"The heart uv stewn…" her voice was scotty "I have no heard o tha…"

"Yes you have.!" I put it to her that she had

"Alright… I suppose I have." She wiggled her tongue "and so wha if uh have? So wha if I found da heart of stewn in an old cave and I stowl it and ive kept it here for thousands o yers cos I know Share wants to take it from me."

I pasued even though it was not me talking

"I dnt like Cher she is a stoppid bitch. She once came to my Scottish hometown and tore out my pubic hair, rubbed it all over my face and set fire to my left nuppel. I wont give herrr the hart. I wont."

"Oh which Socktish town?" Alice inqured. She already knew I was sure.

"Washington F.U"

"What if we did something for you? To right all of Cher's wrongs?" I perwanged.

"Like what?" Proffy minge shooted at me. She tore off her spectacles and snapped them in half and alice ate them off the floor.

"We could do anything. Get you anything you want. I'm a very powerful whiz." I offered "I can trn ma wand in2 a gun.."

Her eyes swelled up and she fainted. Fucking smacked the floor and hit the deck and she was out cold. For three hours she purred into da floor lik a cat, and alie stroked her hair and swung her round in circles like a fucking whindmill.

She awoke. Rubbing her eyes and putting them back in the sockets.

"Okay… I have regained my composit…" She sniffed "I would like toy request that you on my behalf visit the City of the Federation of the Nation of the Town of the Kingdom of Hogsment City. And you retrieve esome nightcock berries 4 me. They are in a shop – the Berry Boutqie "

Eljiaah piped up.

"We have dem in dis bucket!" He scremed.

I pivoted and sliced his head clean off.

"They are for my uncl kneepuss shatsteam!" Alice cried behind me. Her face was just a mess of scribbles.

"So you will get the berries 4 me?!111 Mike asks me and I nod enthusisss like a hot cat.

"But there is a problem." "What." "It took us over 7 yr to find u in dis forst, how will we get out?"

"There is more than 1 way to leave da forst. Bye."

"I'll see u in Hogwarts in 30 yrs." I swooned, and Proffy Mike whimpered like an injured cat.

Alice slapped my ass bcos I had fucked up the plot, and professor mcgoo stared into the middle distance like death.

Suddenly she just fucking vanished into da floor, and when I asked Alice what she meant, she said I would figure it out. I tried to press her, but she blew off her own head and kicked it into a ditch.

Huffing, I kicked open da front door and looked around for dis alternative mode of travel. Then I spotted it. In front of me awas a big fat carriga e with 26 thestrals on da front all baying for blood and screaming loudly. Eljiahah said it was cliché, poking his head out from behind ma big booty, and Alice approached and opened the side door. She went in and sat on her seat cos she was fooking rude.

Then a hawt totally hawt fucking hot like so hot like omg hot hot hawt makte goffik swan mednelly guy opened the front door and he ran over, shaking his big dick at me.

"IM A FUCKING UBER YA FUCKING PREPE!" GET IN!

We got in. Swan Minge whipped the therstrals (cos he is a kinky man, and I wunt him 2 whip me) and they took off. We were soon in the sky and flying in it. Like a fly in the ointment of the sky. Like a fly in a fly on soupl like a fly in da beer. Lik a fly in the fly.

As we spurred 2wards hogsment grand shitty, I snuck into the front carriage and just stared at hot goffik man. He was so gorgeous. Just the way he breathed. The way he whipped those grey shotty horses. And the way he had a head on that neck. Daddy. Fuck me daddy.

The carridge pulled over da top of hogsment city, and as it did, I slid onto swand medley's dick, and he whipped me like he was wiping dem thespians/ it was su fucking kinky and I felt like a dirt lil boy. Daddy whip me. Uwu.

The carridge landed just outside berry boutqie. I got off swan mednel's you know what and kissed him and then I rain inside as the carriage pulled away flying again. I kicked open the door, hearing the bell ring overhead, I threw Elijajaja through the window bcos I had anger issues, and I was shook. Behind the counter was Shawn Mendes… I hadn't seen him for 16 years since I went to the forst for Cher from 1972 album FOXY LADY.