Chapter 13:
"Quentin Fields was a basketball player. He was also a son, a brother, somebody's teammate, somebody's friend…a soulmate. I didn't know Quentin Fields. I guess now I never will."
"Ava, Honey. Wake up."
Ava's eyes fluttered open and she smiled, seeing Haley looking down on her. "Good morning."
"Good morning." But Haley didn't smile back.
"Did I oversleep?"
"No, Sweetheart…..You're fine. I just wanted to wake you up." Haley kissed her forehead. "I'll be downstairs."
"Did you ever wonder what it would be like, if you weren't you anymore? If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react?"
"Hey, Q…..uh, it's not like you not to pick up my calls, so…..when you get this, text me back or something, you goof." Ava smiled before hanging up the phone.
After she had gotten dressed, she had decided to call her boyfriend. They had such a good time the night before, and Ava just wanted to hear his voice before school.
She was a little lovestruck to say the least. Who could blame her?
"Whatever you imagined is wrong."
"What am I gonna tell my students?" Haley did her best to hold back tears. What am I gonna tell Jamie? He loves Quentin. He's making him a cape."
"I'll do it." Nathan volunteered. He could understand how difficult it was for his wife to tell their son this horrible piece of news. He was only five years old, how was he going to handle it?
"No. We should do it together."
"I'm worried about Ava." His voice broke from the liquid that had escaped his eyes. "She and Q…..they…"
"I tried to tell her just now…..but she looked at me and she was so happy…..I couldn't take that away from her. Not yet."
"I don't want to take it from her at all. She's been through enough."
The person he just couldn't face right now was Ava. How was he supposed to look his baby sister in the eye and tell her the truth? What if this was her breaking point?
"She needs to know, Nathan." His mother told him gently. "I know you want to protect her, but you can't protect her from this. It'll do more harm than good. Q was her boyfriend and she loved him. She deserved to hear this from someone she loves."
"We'll do it together."
"Grief is like the ocean. It's deep and dark, and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night.'
"What's wrong, Mama?" Jamie glanced up at his parents.
He knew something was wrong, because they both looked like they had been crying. Their eyes were red and their mouths were curved downward.
Something happened. Something really bad.
"It's about Quentin, son." Nathan was the first to speak as they both sat down on his bed beside him. "Listen…..Quentin had an accident, Jamie."
"What kind of accident? Is he gonna be okay?" Jamie's bright blue, doe eyes made this so much harder.
He was so young, so innocent.
"No, he's not okay." Nathan tried his best to explain this to the little boy, who was still looking at the world through rose colored glasses. "He….his body stopped working, and he's gone now. We're not gonna be able to see him anymore."
"What about the Ravens? Isn't he gonna play anymore?"
But Jamie didn't understand. Why wouldn't Q be able to play for the Ravens anymore? He loved the Ravens, why wouldn't he want to come back?
"Jamie." Haley bit back a sob. "He's gone, honey. He can't play anymore. And Mommy and Daddy are incredibly sad about it. So, it's okay if you're sad, too. I know that he loved you very much, and I know that you're gonna miss him. And we're really gonna miss him, too."
"But what about his cape?" Why were his parents talking like this? He didn't like it. He just saw Q yesterday and there wasn't anything wrong with him then.
"Jamie, he's…Jamie, honey, listen to me—"
"He's gonna like it." Jamie dodged her touch and hopped off the bed, having had heard all he could. "You'll see."
The child rushed down the hallway in search of Ava with as much speed as his little legs would allow.
She would understand.
She said he would like the cape.
She would make them see.
Ava always made everything better.
"Whoa, Buddy, watch where you're going." She chuckled, holding him steady when he bumped into her. "What's the rush?"
"Quentin's gonna like the cape! You said so!" He shouted at her.
"Jamie—"
What was this all about?
"—He is! You said he is!"
She had to tell them that they were wrong! Jamie knew that Ava knew Q better than anybody. If she said that he was going to like the cape, then that meant he was going to like it!
"And I meant it." Ava furrowed her eyebrows, clearly confused. "Of course he's gonna like it. You're making it for him. What's going on, Honey?"
Jamie just burst into tears and buried face in her middle, loud sobs wracking his small body which greatly alarmed her.
"Okay." Ava pressed a comforting hand to the back of his head. "It's okay. You don't have to cry."
"Ava." Haley caught her attention. "We need to talk."
Uh oh. That never meant anything good.
"I'll take him." Deb smiled sadly, lifting Jamie up into her arms to go downstairs, giving the three the privacy they would eventually need.
"What's wrong with him?" Ava asked nervously before she noticed Haley's bloodshot eyes. "Have you been crying?"
"Come here." Haley pulled her into her own room where Nathan was already waiting.
Ava had already deduced that she wasn't in any trouble. If she was, Haley wouldn't have been crying and Nathan wouldn't have been that calm. Something was very wrong.
Part of her didn't even want to know what it was. If she never found out, then there was no need to be sad.
But a bigger part of her needed to know. What happened? Was someone hurt? Who was it?
Was it her mother? Was it Lily? Or Andy, or Lucas?
Did Dan's HCM finally catch up with him? Was he gone?
"Okay, this is weird…you guys are scaring me. What happened?"
"Sit down." Haley sat next to Nathan on Ava's bed, moving a couple of stuffed animals out of the way so that the teen could join them.
No way was she going to sit for this. Sitting always meant it was really terrible news. She would stand.
"I'd rather stand, thanks."
"You know that we love you and we would never do anything to hurt you?"
"I know." This was going to be devastating. They were taking too long to get to the point.
"Something happened last night." Haley's lip quivered. "There was an accident…Quentin was in an accident."
"Okay…..is he okay?" Ava knew deep down in her gut that she was grasping at straws.
She knew Q wasn't okay.
But she needed to hear it. Even if it wasn't true.
"Babygirl." Nathan drew her onto his lap, resting his chin on her shoulder so he wouldn't have to look her in the eye to tell her the truth. "He's not gonna be okay. He's gone."
"Okay." Ava's breath hitched and her throat ran dry. Not Q. It couldn't have been Q. She couldn't lose him. "Okay. H-How'd it happen…..you said he was in an accident…..what— what happened?"
As hard as she was trying to keep herself calm, she was failing. Her emotions were stronger than her will.
"He was shot, Honey." Haley rubbed her leg and her hand could feel how tense the girl was. "Last night at a gas station."
"That wasn't an accident." Ava's voice hardened, finding it easier to be angry than sad. Being angry was safer than being sad. It didn't hurt to be angry. Anger didn't want to make you stay in your bed all day without eating or drinking anything. Anger didn't make you want to cry until you couldn't cry anymore. Anger was strong. "You said it was an accident. It wasn't."
"I know, I'm sorry. I just thought it'd be easier to hear."
"It doesn't make a difference, though does it? He's gone."
"Ava—" Nathan could tell that she was ready to run, so he held onto her. They had been through this with her before. He couldn't allow her to clam up that way again. He didn't care how upset she got with him, she needed to let all of that out before it ate away at her.
"Let go of me." She glowered at nothing in particular. She didn't want comfort. She didn't want hugs and kisses, or sweet-nothings whispered in her ear.
She didn't want to feel anything!
"Honey, it's okay if you need to cry." Haley cupped her chin. "We know how much you loved him."
Love.
Love is what got you hurt. Love was what made loss so damaging.
Ava didn't feel like she ever wanted to love again.
"Get off me! I hate you!" She tried ripping herself away from Nathan, but he only held on tighter, going as far as to stand up with his arms still wrapped around her. "I hate you!"
She didn't mean what she was saying. He knew that. He also knew that the last thing she wanted right now was a hug.
But he was her brother. He knew what she needed. She needed to know that as much as she tried to fight him, he was still going to be there, waiting for her to accept the comfort he was always offering to give.
He wasn't leaving her alone. He wasn't going to make that mistake again.
"I hate you!" She shouted with so much venom in her voice, if she was paying attention, she wouldn't even be able recognize herself.
She twisted and she turned and wriggled, trying to break free. All she managed to do was slip just enough so that she wasn't pressed up against him, but he still had a good grip on her arms.
It was the perfect opening for her to lash out.
Her breath quickened and her eyes darkened. Her hands clenched right into fists and she began to beat them into his chest.
And he let her.
Every hit, he took in stride. He didn't tell her to stop, he didn't try to restrain her any further. He just let her.
Haley watched on with renewed sobs, feeling so helpless. There was nothing she could do for her.
She could kiss scraped up knees and soothe tummy aches, she could wipe away tears of sadness after a hard day at school, she could cuddle away the nightmares and sing away the monsters under the bed.
But what Ava was feeling now, there was nothing Haley could do for that.
There was nothing anyone could do for that.
"Hey."
"Hi."
"I thought I'd find you here." Maddie took a seat on the ground in front of the unoccupied swing set next to Ava. "Everyone's looking for you…..but they wanna give you space, you know?"
"I don't care." Ava shrugged, pushing some dirt with her foot. "I just want to be alone."
"I know that's not true." Maddie shook her head. "I made the mistake of leaving you to deal with this on your own last time…..I can't do it again. You can scream at me, or hit me, and call me names, but I'm not leaving you alone."
Ava didn't want to do any of those things. She had exhausted herself out with Nathan and had actually fallen asleep. She hadn't realized until she woke up, but her outburst must've really taken a toll on her body.
She couldn't be in that house with all those pitying looks and she didn't want to have to watch Jamie make sense of this whole thing. So she left.
She wandered aimlessly around town before she ended up at the park. There was something very grounding about watching all the little kids run and play with their laughter being carried by the wind.
"He told me he loved me." Is what she told Maddie.
All things considered, Ava didn't mind Maddie's company. Maddie never pushed her to talk about things, not really, not unless it was something dangerous. She just waited for Ava to feel comfortable enough to share.
"Quentin?" Maddie almost cringed saying his name.
Ava knew it was taking a toll on her, too. Q was her friend. They'd joked around and hung out together. This whole thing wasn't any easier on Maddie than it was on her.
They both needed each other.
They'd always need each other.
"Yeah." She nodded, opening up a little bit. "We were on a date yesterday….and he told me he loved me."
"He did, Ava." Maddie took her hand to comfort her as Ava rested her head on her shoulder. "I know he did."
"Maddie told me I'd find you here." Lucas sat down in the same place Maddie had occupied hours before. "I'm sorry, Babygirl."
Ava shrugged and she pulled her jacket tighter around herself. She should've put on some layers instead of running out of the house in just flannel and a denim jacket. It was too cold for that.
"I know this is hard for you." Her brother dropped a light coat in her lap before he reached out and stroked some of her hair back. He always knew exactly what Ava needed. "I wanted to speak to you earlier, but I knew you needed a little time to yourself."
See?
"Yeah." Ava nodded, putting her arms through the coat before zipping it up, feeling so much warmer now than she had seconds ago.
"I hate to see you hurt like this, Honey. Talk to me, please?" It was killing him to see her this way.
The two were so connected and in times like this, it was apparent.
"I loved him."
"I know you did." Lucas allowed some tears to slip down his face.
"He was— he was my first boyfriend and I loved him. He made me so happy."
It was true what they say. The first cut would always be the deepest one.
Q was the very first guy Ava ever loved. He was her first kiss, the first guy she ever opened that part of her heart to.
And the best part about all of that? He loved her right back. He wasn't using her to get what he wanted and she wasn't some dare to be played with and then tossed aside once the job was done.
He really did love her.
"He treated you very well. You made him happy, too." Lucas could admit that. He had to admit that.
There were so many opportunities where Q could've taken advantage of Ava or manipulate her into doing something she wasn't comfortable doing. It was her first relationship, she was young and naive.
But Q saw that and took things slow, moving at her pace so that she never felt pressured.
He was a special guy.
"And I'm upset because he's gone…..someone took him from his mother and his brother…..from me. I'm angry."
How was Denise doing during all of this? How was Andre? There were so many people effected by this.
"I know."
"But I don't wanna cry." She sniffled, her voice wavering.
She hated crying. It was so draining and embarrassing.
"You don't have to if you don't want to right now." Lucas knew his sister was just going to hold everything in until she couldn't anymore.
He wanted nothing more than for her to relieve herself of her emotions, but he couldn't force that on her.
All he could do, was be there when she was ready.
"But when you do feel like crying, I'm right here, okay?"
"Okay." She nodded and rested her head on his lap, cuddling into him when he rested a heavy hand on her back.
She felt quite empty inside, but she knew she was safe in her brother's arms, both of them. Nothing could hurt her as long as she was there.
"Don't ever leave me, okay?" She wrapped her fingers around his unoccupied hand, giving it a squeeze.
"Never."
"Go ahead and play." Haley told her son, motioning for him to interact with Andre, who was sitting in his yard, playing his DS on his swing set. "Stay in the yard, okay?"
The Scott family had decided to come by and pay their respects to Q's family. It was going to be hard, but they needed to rely on one another during this time.
Inside the house, Ava looked at a picture of Q and Andre that was over the fireplace.
The two boys looked happy and free.
She hoped she would see that spark in Andre's eyes again.
"Coach Scott." Denise addressed her brother. "I'm Quentin's mother, Denise."
"Ma'am." He politely shook her hand.
Ava had told him plenty about the woman from all the times she had visited the house. He knew Denise was a strong and kind woman who loved both of her children immensely.
"I wanted to thank you for standing up for my boy the way you did in that last game. It's a shame that we have to meet like this."
"Yes ma'am. It is."
"Coach Taylor." She moved on to address Skills. "Quentin always had so many nice things to say about you. And you, too, Nathan. I really appreciate you boys coming here, but I mostly wanted to say thank you to this one." Denise looked directly at Haley. "My son has always loved basketball. But I gotta tell you, when I came home and found him reading a book? It just about gave me a heart attack. He said, 'Mama, Mrs. James Scott, she don't play. She's almost as bad as you are'. I realize you were all trying to help my boy live up to the greatness that God gave him. You should be proud of that."
"Your strength is inspiring." Haley commented.
"My strength, is from God above. I am gonna miss my baby boy for the rest of this life." She held a picture of her son to her chest. "But I know, we're gonna see him again, and our faith will see us through."
Ava smiled softly at the woman in an effort to send some comfort her way, but Denise put the picture down and dug through her pockets.
"Ava." She called her over, finding what she was looking for.
Ava moved from her spot in Nathan's arms and walked over to the older woman.
"You know, if there's one thing that I'm sure of, is that my son loved you." Denise said. "He ran home one day telling me all about the pretty girl he had kissed that made his heart race. He'd talk about you all the time. 'Ava's not like all the other girls, she's smart and she's beautiful…..and she's got a heart of gold'. It wasn't until he brought you over here, that I saw that he wasn't exaggerating. You gave my son a million reasons to smile and work harder. I can't thank you enough for that."
"Mrs. Fields, I…." Ava trailed when Denise took her hand and placed something into it.
A ring.
"He worked nights to pay for this. And when I asked him why on earth he wanted to buy a ring, he told me, 'Mama, I look into her eyes every day…..and I just know. She's the one. I'm gonna ask her to marry me…and I'm gonna give her this ring and someday, she's gonna be my wife. Now, for my sixteen year old son to tell me he wanted to get married? I couldn't believe it. But seeing that love in his eyes and seeing the love in yours, made me believe in you."
Ava looked down at the ring, but she couldn't really see it, because the tears she had been holding inside were forcing their way out.
He wanted to marry her.
He was going to propose.
"Now, I'm not telling you this to make you feel worse than you already do. I just want you to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Quentin loved you. And he knew that you loved him." Denise held the girl's chin in the palm of her hand. "So, I want you to take this ring and wear it proudly. Because it's yours and he wanted you to have it."
"Thank you." Ava blinked enough so that her vision cleared, so she could take a good look at the ring.
It was a white gold band with daisies engraved all around.
Yellow ones.
He had remembered the yellow daisies from her birthday.
"Thank you."
"Hey, little man." Ava knelt down in front of Andre and Jamie.
It was getting a little too sad in the house for Ava's liking and all the adults were talking, leaving her to just listen to what they were saying.
After a while, she remembered that Jamie and Andre were still outside and decided that she'd rather be out there with them, than inside.
"Hi." Andre waved.
"How're you feeling?'
"Sad…..but I'm not going in there. It's way more sad in there."
"Yeah, I know."
"Did you see the ring?" He perked up a little.
He remembered asking Q who he was going to give the ring to and why. His brother sat down and explained to him that the ring was a symbol of his and Ava's love for each other.
Andre didn't quite understand the whole thing, but he liked Ava, so that was good enough for him.
"Yeah, your mother gave it me." Ava showed him her left hand, where the ring was sitting on her finger. "It's beautiful."
"He said you'd like it."
"I love it. Thank you." She smiled at him, offering a fist bump.
"Jamie, Buddy, come one." Haley called once they broke apart. "Time to go."
"Bye." Jamie waved and hesitated before he followed his family to the car.
"Uh, I have to go now…..but your mother has my number." Ava cupped Andre's chin. "If you need anything, call me, okay?"
She wanted to let him know that just because Q wasn't around, it didn't mean that he wouldn't get to see her.
"Even if it's just to play 'Uno'?" He asked innocently.
"Especially when it's just to play 'Uno'."
"Bye, Ava." A smile finally graced his lips as she walked away, only turning around to wave at him.
"Hop in, kiddo." Peyton put a hand on Ava's back once she was within reach.
"If you don't mind…I think I'll walk."
It was a spur of the moment thing, but Ava was growing a little antsy. She didn't think she'd be able to sit still on the car ride home. She needed to move.
"Hey, Buddy."
"Hi, Brooke." Ava stared at the pool water. She didn't have to turn around to know who was speaking to her.
"I'm not gonna ask you how you're doing, but I want you to know that I'm here for you, okay?"
"I know." She nodded. "I'm here for you, too."
"Honey, I don't know what you're talking about."
As consumed in her own grief as Ava was, she wasn't blind. Something happened to Brooke that left her with several nasty bruises and two black eyes.
"I know you didn't fall down the stairs. You have hand prints on your arms and your chest." She deadpanned. "But I won't mention it again."
It was obvious that Brooke's story of 'falling down the stairs' was a load of garbage. Everyone knew it.
"Thank you."
"What's it like in there?"
"Inside?" Brooke sat down in the lounge chair next to the teen. "Sad."
"Yeah...Brooke?"
"Yes, Honey?"
"Can you hold me?" Ava's voice trembled as she asked that simple question. "Please?"
She remembered how protected she felt that night she had shown up at Brooke's house and she wondered if she could feel that way again.
She was just afraid to be turned away.
"Come here." Brooke opened up her arms without a second thought, waiting for Ava to come and sit down beside her so she could deliver.
She cradled the teen's head and kissed her forehead, gently rocking to soothe her.
In the time she and Brooke had been spending together down at the store, Ava had come to look at the older girl like another big sister. Haley had and would always have that title, but this was different. They were two different people that provided two very different versions of love.
Right now, Ava needed and wanted Brooke's.
And Brooke needed this just as much as Ava did.
"…Hurts, Brooke."
"I know, Honey. I know it does."
The two stayed just like that for so long, they lost track of time and nearly fell asleep. But Haley's voice brought them back to reality.
"Ava? Do you mind heading inside for a minute?" Haley asked. "I need to talk to Brooke."
She hated to ruin such a sweet moment between the two, but she really needed to speak to Brooke and it couldn't wait.
"Okay." The teen shrugged and stood up to make her way back into the house. But not before Haley pressed a motherly kiss against her temple. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Hey, uh, thanks." Ava spoke as she took her seat in English class.
"For what?" Maddie asked.
"That day in the park…..you sat with me for hours and we weren't even talking…thanks."
"Don't thank me." Maddie smiled. "I'm the best friend. It's a part of the job description."
"Who's the new girl?" Veronica whispered.
Veronica was a girl who sat beside them in a few of their classes. They met freshman year, but never really hung out outside of school.
It was a shame, she seemed really nice.
Ava and Maddie turned around and saw some girl sitting in Q's old seat.
"I don't know." The former shrugged. "I don't really care either."
She wasn't really sure if she should care. Some girl was sitting in Q's seat. But Q was gone. She shouldn't expect it to stay empty forever.
All rational thought aside, it did bother her a little.
"You know, we don't talk much, but…I admire you." Veronica changed the subject.
"Me?"
"Yeah, you're on the cheer squad, you're a really good friend, and even after what happened to Q, you're sitting here ready for school. You're pretty strong."
"Thanks." Ava was caught off guard by the compliment. "I'm sorry we don't talk much, Veronica…but I'm not unapproachable. If you wanna talk, just come up to me and say, 'hello', or sit with us at lunch."
"Yeah." Maddie agreed. "We're pretty nice people once you get to know us."
"I'll do that."
Ava smiled, but furrowed her eyebrows when she saw Carter entering the classroom. He didn't have English this period, so what was he doing here?
"Hey." He stopped directly in front of her desk.
"Uh, hi." She greeted. "What are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here?" He threw his hands up, making Maddie laugh. "Are you kidding? We're friends. I called you and I texted you. I even stopped by your house a couple of times to see how you were doing. I was worried sick about you, Havana-Rose Scott."
"Sorry." Ava sheepishly apologized, having been properly chastised by her close friend. "I'm okay, though. You don't have to worry."
"With you?" He scoffed. "I always worry."
"That's not fair."
"No, it's pretty fair." Maddie joked.
"Carter?" Haley got his attention. "Bell's about to ring."
"Thanks, Mrs. Scott." He smiled before turning back to Ava. "Don't scare me like that again, Havana." He tapped her nose before leaving the room.
"Stop calling me that!" She yelled after him, only getting a nonchalant wave in response.
"What's your name?" Haley set her books down on her desk, taking notice of the girl in Q's seat.
"Sam." The girl answered nonchalantly. "Samantha Walker. I'm new."
Ava and Maddie shared a look of surprise before turning towards Sam.
They hadn't seen her in years.
"Can you just take that desk in the back, please?"
"Why? What's wrong with this one?"
"That desk is taken."
Sam rolled her eyes, but moved anyway.
"You know what? You guys asked me what the point was to all of this school and literature….life. And, uh, I said there was no point. And that's not true. What I should have said was, 'I don't know'. Because the truth is, not long ago, I sat right where you are and wondered the exact same things. When something that's tragic and evil and unexplainable happens, like losing someone forever…..I still wonder….just like you do." Haley addressed the entire class. "Okay, put your books away. Everybody, get out a sheet of paper and a pen."
"Why?" Sam asked.
"Because this is literature class. When archaeologist uncovers lost civilizations and they unearth these worlds that have long since been destroyed, you know what they find most often? They find stories…..ancient languages, words, inscriptions from people who've been gone for thousands of years because chances are, they, like you, they wanted to know, 'what's the point'? And they wanted us to know that they were here, you know? They told their stories, and they tried to make sense out of their lives and their worlds and their tragedies. So that's what we're gonna do. So I want you to write something, anything at all, about Quentin Fields. If you knew him, write a favorite memory. If you didn't know him, write what you think the point is of all this for yourself and your life and your time here. This is a literature class, and that's what writers do. We put pen to paper in times of devastating tragedy. And we just try and make sense of it. Maybe we'll find clarity in some of those words. Maybe we'll find peace."
Everyone got to work, putting their pens to paper.
All except, Ava.
She wasn't going to write some ridiculous paper about her feelings when she was still trying her best to ignore them.
She didn't want to feel sad right now.
She wanted to push that stupid emotion down and hold it there until it gave up and went away.
She was not doing this.
"Who wrote this?" Haley asked, looking at a message someone had written on top of Q's desk.
"I did." Eddie, a boy who sat next to Q raised a hand.
"Give me your marker." Haley took it and wrote something down herself.
"He who does not weep, does not see." He read. "What's that from?"
"Les Miserablés'. The miserable ones. Who's next?"
Pretty soon, everyone was taking turns, writing nice and heartfelt things on Q's desk.
Save for Ava and Sam.
Each with their own reason for not doing so.
"I'm not doing this, Haley." Ava told her sister-in-law with a scowl. "I'm not writing this stupid paper for you or anyone else."
"I figured you'd say that." Haley conceded. "And you don't have to. But I think it might help."
"It won't."
"Alright, Sweetheart. But this is the only assignment I will ever let you skip out on, okay?"
"Okay."
Emptiness was a deep and slippery slope.
Ava knew that better than most.
But somehow, she was sucked into it just the same.
She didn't feel sad. She didn't even feel hurt anymore.
Just empty.
She watched as Q's mother cried herself dry, and she watched how his teammates gave her bouquets of flowers.
She watched as everyone began to leave and go their separate ways, moving to get to their next destination.
But for her, everything stood still.
Her brothers tried to console her, She had tons of missed calls from her mother, Haley and Peyton tried their best to get her to talk.
But nothing seemed to faze her.
She had felt this way once before.
With Keith.
It was a sad and familiar feeling.
Back then, she had thought that her whole world was crashing down on her. And it had. Keith wasn't coming back. Dan had made sure of that.
And now, someone had made sure that she'd never see Q again.
She'd never hear his boisterous laugh again, she'd never read 'Les Miserables' by his side, never dance with him again or feel his lips against her.
It was over.
And the very fact made her feel numb.
Ava thought that this was pretty selfish of her.
After all, Q had a mother and a brother, and friends he left behind.
She wasn't the only one that had been in life.
So why was her grief so strong?
It had her tightly by the wrist and it wasn't letting go.
It was pulling her further down its violent, choppy waves, not giving her a chance to pull herself up and away.
She couldn't fight it.
She didn't want to.
Not yet.
"Grief is like the ocean. It's deep and dark, and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night; quiet, persistent, unfair, diminished by time and faith, and love."
She watched as Jamie stood in front of Q's casket with Brooke, before taking the cape he and Haley had made for him and draping the gift over it.
Q would've loved that cape, she was sure of it.
"I didn't know Quentin Fields, but I'm jealous of him, because I see how his absence has affected the people who did know him. So I know that he mattered to them and I know he was loved."
Ava hadn't realized how long she had been standing in place, but when she came back to reality, she was alone.
She knew that Lucas and Peyton were in the car waiting for her, so she wasn't technically alone.
But she was alone enough to have her own private moment.
And she did.
Ava took a deep breath and clutched the beautiful ring Q had gotten, just for her, gathering up her strength to say what she needed to say.
"I love you, sweet Marius."
"People say Quentin Fields was a great basketball player...graceful, fluid, inspiring. They say, on a good night, it almost seemed as though he could fly, and now he can."