It had been three days since his visit to Dr Hajran's office, he had returned with two of his notebooks, some of the pages neatly removed. He brought the first book he had made, and its corresponding memories courtesy of Maverick, with the most recent changes to his memories; conversations with heroes, with Maverick himself, and with how events transpired. Anything to do with Kotetsu had been removed as well as anything to do with his sexual orientation. He didn't feel like sharing his memories of Kotetsu at all. Nor did he like anything about his orientation making it into the sessions, not yet anyway, not until he trusted this doctor more.
He had also been spending his nights at Apollon Media in the oxygen chamber created by Saitou. He had dreamt the last two nights and woken up feeling fine, the normal grogginess and after-effects of the dreams felt greatly reduced. He had dreamt more about Jeremy, Inola, and his time at Hero Academy. About asking Maverick if he could take night courses to go for a double major, one in Heroing and one in Engineering. Maverick had said yes and then erased the conversation entirely. He had also had conversations with Maverick about Ouroboros that were completely erased. Barnaby had stumbled across Ouroboros documents, had found informants on the street, had even spoken to the man who had been sentenced to death, all of it erased. Barnaby had figured out his parents true killer at least once during his time at Hero Academy, Maverick had simply reprogrammed the memory over and over, constantly changing the figure until it became such a damaged memory the only thing that remained was a shade.
Feeling rested by staying in the chamber Barnaby felt willing to try some of Dr Hajran's advice; he contacted Rock Bison and asked him out for drinks. To say that Antonio had been surprised to hear from him would be an understatement. He had questioned Barnaby for a solid five minutes to ensure it was actually him. Barnaby had humoured him only because it had been somewhat hilarious having the older man so flabbergasted over his appearance and the phone call itself. Antonio had not mentioned Kotetsu, which Barnaby appreciated of the older man. He was to meet Antonio tonight for drinks, not at their usual hang out, The Hero Bar, but at a less boisterous place where they could actually hear each other. He was nervous, he hadn't seen any of the Hero's since he got back and, more importantly, Antonio was Kotetsu's best friend what would he do if he decided to tell Kotetsu he was back in town?
He couldn't worry about that now, he could ask Bison to keep his being in town on the down-low later. He looked himself over in the mirror, his stubble was filling in, but was all different lengths and left him looking unkempt. He took out an electric shaving kit he had bought and never used. Selecting the correct length guard he started shaving the hair so it was neatly cropped to a nice short, yet full, length. His beard wasn't all that dark, darker than his hair, but still not all that dark. It looked much better being all the same length, but he wished he could have the same definition that other men could do with their facial hair. He took out the straight razor he usually used and cleaned up his neck and tops of his cheeks, creating a perfectly smooth edge where the hair ended. It helped create the image of being clean-cut, it also gave his lightly coloured beard more definition, which helped with the fact it was so light. He rinsed his face and looked himself over. He didn't think it changed his appearance much, but Bison had thought he looked different, and Agnes had looked taken aback, perhaps it was a better disguise than he gave himself credit for.
Sighing he dried his face and walked back into his bedroom, he wanted to wear his usual attire, but worried he would be recognized. He instead chose loose-fitting track pants, black with a white stripe down the leg, he had gotten them for free from a photoshoot; he didn't like them at all. He took out a black T-shirt and put it on; along with the red hoodie he wore to Dr Hajran's. He looked himself over once more in his full-length mirror and let out a sigh, putting the matching maroon coloured knit cap on to hide his hair as well as the thick-framed glasses. He looked like a hipster out for a jog. Whatever, it would be good enough to go out for drinks, to get out of the house and visit his friend, yes his friend, he needed to start branching out, needed to start making connections.
He planned to meet Antonio for half-past eight, but had ended up at the bar for a quarter to eight, way too early to just sit there and wait. So he ordered a drink and started people watching. He enjoyed seeing the few couples that lingered around after having a nice meal, sharing custards and cakes, sipping at wine or coffee, holding hands and gazing at one another. He began daydreaming of holding hands with Kotetsu in a place like this, sharing a piece of cake with one fork, a little tipsy on rosé. The waitress came over with his drink snapping him out of his imagings with a smile before walking away to take other orders.
He let out a sigh and took a sip of the Rose he had ordered, it was sweet, too sweet, not the brand he normally would get but they didn't carry it here. He took another sip, even if it was a little too sweet it was still good. He started people watching once more, thankfully no one had given him a second glance when he came in, his disguise was either very good, or people had forgotten about him in his nearly year absence. Either way, he was blissfully able to enjoy sitting here watching the people around him as he sipped his wine and daydreamed of his partner once more.
It was a quarter past eight and Barnaby was halfway through his second glass of wine and contemplating ordering an appetizer to stave off getting tipsy when he saw Antonio walk into the bar. The tall man was glancing about looking for him, Barnaby held a hand up in greeting, grabbing the attention of the older Hero.
"Hey," Barnaby greeted as Antonio took a seat on the other side of the booth, his hulking body a little too big to sit as comfortably as Barnaby was, but he seemed to be used to this and made no complaint.
"Hey," Bison greeted back, his eyes appraising Barnaby in much the same way that Agnes' eyes had done upon their meeting. "You look good kid, the beard looks better all cleaned up," he said this as if he were an expert in men's beards, and Barnaby wondered if he had had a hand in Kotetsu's trademark kitty beard.
"Thanks, it's less scratchy since I cleaned it up, I don't think my face is meant to have a beard though," he said as he rubbed at his cheeks. "But, it helps keep the media off my back and fangirls from stalking me, so it'll have to stay for now," he joked with a smile.
"I was surprised when you called me out of the blue, no one's heard from you in almost a year and you choose me to call? Just seemed crazy. Sorry to hear that the dreams are still bothering you kid, it's been one hell of a ride for me too," Bison admitted, looking off to the side to see if the waitress was around.
Barnaby took a sip of his wine and nodded motioning to the menu. "Should we order some snacks or anything?" as much as he appreciated Bison being so on topic, unlike his therapist who had beat around the bush, he was starting to feel the wine, and didn't want to become an emotional mess.
"Oh, sure kid whatever you want," his eyes met with the waitress and she made the trademark "be there in a second" gesture before heading off to the kitchen to submit an order. Barnaby took the momentary reprieve to glance through the menu once more, settling on less messy options like the jalapeno poppers and gyoza over the nachos and chicken wings he had been contemplating earlier. When the waitress came back Bison ordered a beer and a scotch, on the rocks, and Barnaby ordered the two appetizers as well as another glass of wine.
Antonio had smiled at his choices, letting out a small chuckle before saying "you just picked the two things Kotetsu and I usually order, they're both really good here."
Barnaby tried to hold back the jolt that ran through him at the mention of Kotetsu; he didn't want to talk about his ex-partner, especially with Bison who knew him the best. Barnaby was also surprised, he hadn't been aware that the two of them went anywhere but the Hero Bar. "You come here often? I thought the Hero bar was your usual hang out?" Barnaby said in surprise.
Antonio motioned to the piano on the stage off to the side. "Karina plays gigs here, not as often now that she is so busy being Queen of Heroes, but Kotetsu and I would come to watch her perform. I'm surprised you didn't know that?" Antonio said with a raised eyebrow.
Barnaby looked at the piano and vaguely recalled Kotetsu telling him about the bar Karina performed at, they hadn't ever had a chance to go together, he had always been too busy with interviews or meetings. "Oh, is she performing tonight do you think?" He asked, sipping his wine once more.
"No, she has her finals at school coming up, has to cram for them, I don't think she has performed here hardly at all since the new season started actually. Maybe that is why she has been doing so well, focusing on being a Hero more," the waitress came back with Bison's drinks, setting them down on coasters in front of him. He picked up the scotch and sipped it, taking almost half of it down before setting it down.
They slid easily into idle conversation, Barnaby realised he had initiated it, had wanted to avoid jumping right into talking about his problems. He had never been close to Antonio, but he realised as he spoke to the older Hero that he was the exact opposite of Kotetsu, which is probably why the two of them got along so well. Antonio was well-spoken, and rather delicate with his movements, for a man named after an ungraceful animal, he moved with a careful grace. He was also rather funny, a drier humour than Kotetsu, and quite witty. Barnaby found he enjoyed speaking with him, and wished he had taken the time to get to know the other Heroes sooner, but also wondered how much he could have while Maverick was around pulling his strings.
"You know kid, this is the most we have ever spoken in the two years we worked together, it's nice to see you acting so normal, no fake camera smiles. You'd think you were talking to Tiger instead of me right now," Bison's train of thought matched his own, it was almost eerie.
Barnaby felt a blush heat up his cheeks slightly at the mention of Kotetsu again, and at how Antonio made reference to how he acted around the other. "W-what do you mean," Barnaby said trying to mask his embarrassment by taking a large gulp of his rose wine, his fourth glass. The jalapeno poppers and gyoza lay half-eaten between them.
"I mean that everyone else was held at an arm's length with you except Tiger and you know it. He was the only one you let in, and you haven't called him once since you two retired, dropped off the map without letting anyone know where you were going, and to top it all off you never contacted anyone when the dreams started. We all worried, when the dreams started for us, what it was doing to you. Kotetsu asked about you, constantly, for months," Bison had downed three scotches and two beers since he sat down and had obviously had his tongue loosened slightly by the drinks, Barnaby could tell he had been wanting to rant to Barnaby about this for a while with how quickly the tirade had fallen from his lips once he got started.
Barnaby sat still contemplating what the older man had said, pushing a jalapeno popper around the plate idly with his fork. "He asked about me for months… does that mean he stopped asking?" Barnaby all but whispered. He had latched onto that part of what Bison had said, to know Kotetsu was worried about him, or had been at one point, did he stop worrying? Did he stop caring? Barnaby had cancelled his phone number when he went abroad, but had taken it back up since he was back in Sternbild, Kotetsu had not called him since he was back, which made sense since he didn't know.
"He stopped asking because there was nothing to tell Barnaby, you were unreachable, no one even knew where you were on the planet, if you were alive or dead. He stopped asking because hearing no news was the same as being told you were gone forever and he couldn't take it anymore," Bison's cheeks were a little red now, out of embarrassment or anger Barnaby wasn't sure.
"Do you still talk to him… regularly?" Asked Barnaby looking Antonio in the eye now.
"Yeah, I talk to him about once a week, usually to make sure he actually exists…" Bison trailed off on that point, Barnaby was curious but he had to deal with the more pressing issue first.
"Please, don't tell him I'm back, I don't want him to worry about me and the dreams yet. He has his daughter and family to look after; I want him to focus on them. I know him, if he knows I'm back and struggling with this he will be on the first train back into town, I can't let him sacrifice himself or his family for me again," Barnaby was shaking as he said this, tears gathering in his eyes, the image of Kotetsu lying dead in his arms, though he knew he hadn't actually died, played in his mind. Almost losing Kotetsu had shaken him to his core; he couldn't lose him again, even if it meant never seeing him again. Knowing he was alive and well and with his family was all he needed.
"Not telling him is making him worry too you know, he still thinks you are off gallivanting across the globe. Or dead in an alley somewhere. But I won't tell him, not yet, if you promise to tell him yourself, soon!" Antonio was staring him hard in the face as he said this. Barnaby gulped a bit and nodded in agreement.
"Fine, I will, I promise," he finished his glass of wine and then stared down at the table for a long while, the silence between them palpable.
"You said you phone him to make sure he exists… what does that mean?" Barnaby finally asked, looking up at the large man in front of him.
"The dreams… mine are different than what Saito or Agnes had… they had dreams of real things happening, my dreams are a mix of real and fake events. When Maverick erased Kotetsu he had to replace almost twenty years' worth of memories, of my best friend and his family," Bison took a drink from his beer, his hand shaking a bit as he did so, his voice wavering on the tail end of his sentence.
"Wouldn't those memories have come back when Kaede used Maverick's power? You remembered Kotetsu just like everyone else," Barnaby asked in confusion
"Ya, I did, but I also didn't. The whole time we fought those robots, the whole time we were trapped in those rooms my mind was fighting between what was real and what was fake. I knew Kotetsu was my best friend, but I also knew that Kaede was my kid not his," he set his drink down and looked down at the table.
"Wait… Kaede was your kid? What does that mean?" Barnaby felt lost. Too many drinks for such a serious topic, or not enough.
"Maverick erased Kotetsu and put me in his place. I was married to Tomoe, had Kaede with her, mourned her loss, sent Kaede to live with relatives, every memory I shared with Kotetsu and his family were shifted so Kotetsu wasn't there and I took his place," he continued to stare down at the table as he spoke.
"And since then… you what? Can't remember which version is real?" Barnaby looked over to see if the waitress was around, he needed another drink.
"Ya, when I dream I dream of the memories Maverick implanted in my brain, so vivid and real it's like I am reliving the moment. And then I wake up and have to figure out all over again who I really am, who Kotetsu really is. I phone him when it's really bad, to make sure he is real. With how bad it has been for me, he was convinced you must be having it just as bad if not worse, since he had messed with you for so long," Bison looked up finally, Barnaby could feel his face heat up at the mention of Kotetsu worrying about him again.
"It's not like that for me, it's the same as Agnes and Saitou, my real memories come back every night," Barnaby clarified and Bison seemed to relax a bit, knowing that Barnaby wasn't as bad off as him.
"Good, that's good, I wouldn't want you to go through this, it's awful having to second guess if you have a kid or not every day."
Barnaby had never thought about it that way, it wasn't just Kotetsu he would have to confirm, but also Kaede and losing the knowledge of having a daughter was probably devastating to the older man. Barnaby didn't realise he had done so until he looked down at what his hand was doing, he had reached across the table and placed his hand on Antonio's arm, patting it a bit.
"I'm sorry that this is happening to you Bison, I wish I could help," and he meant it, he really wished he could help the older hero, wished he could make the memories stop for him, make it so that Kotetsu was real for him again.
"It's fine, honestly I don't dream them every night, it's only a few nights, and it seems to be getting better, the more I talk with Kotetsu the better it seems to be. The days after I phone him I don't tend to have the dream for a while," The waitress was making her way over as he said this, which was good because Barnaby needed something else, be it water or more alcohol he wasn't sure. He ordered both.
"Well, at least you have a way to confirm your memories, that's a bright side, when I wake up every day I realise my entire life is a lie and have to just deal with it," he felt like an ass for comparing their pain, but he was miserable and a little drunk.
"Tell me about it kid, for real, it's why we are meeting right? Vent, spill it, get it off your chest. Maverick fucked us all up, you especially. I have bad dreams, so what, I'm a big boy, I can handle it, so don't you go worrying about old Bison. Tell me how things have been for you, I cannot imagine having my whole life fucked up by someone," Bison was talking very loud now, getting angry over the subject, his fist had pounded the table each time he said Maverick's name.
Barnaby blushed looked around to see if anyone had noticed his outburst, if they had they were being polite about it. "Sure sure, just don't yell anymore," Barnaby said waving a hand at him to try and keep the volume down.
Antonio seemed to deflate and relaxed back into the booth, "Sorry, got fired up."
Barnaby nodded and then looked at his hands clasped on the table, trying to figure out where to start, and decided to fuck it, he wanted to vent, and Bison had offered. So he started at the beginning. "He changed how I felt about everyone, you and the other Heroes, Agnes, Mr Lloyds, and Kotetsu," he clasped his hands tighter, his voice shaking as he spoke, he would not cry.
"He made me think Kotetsu was useless, it's why we had so much trouble getting along at the beginning, he made me think the rest of the Heroes were incompetent and that I didn't need to get to know you. He changed how I felt about being a Hero, he made me forget any time another Hero reached out to me in friendship," he was starting to talk louder now, his voice rising as his rage rose with it.
Bison had a smile on his face as he listened; Barnaby was going full tilt now.
"He made me forget that I wanted to be an engineer like my parents, manipulated me into becoming a Hero, made me forget any friends I made in school, erased any leads I made with Ouroboros, made me forget having a crush on an upperclassman, made me forget that I had asked him out!" Barnaby had tears sliding down his face now as he ranted, his hands fisted on the table.
Antonio wasn't surprised at Barnaby's words so much as the total outburst he was experiencing, this raw emotional Barnaby wasn't something he was used to, this was Kotetsu's Barnaby. The revelation that Barnaby had asked out a male classmate hadn't slipped past Bison either, but he made no comment, he had suspected Barnaby's orientation, at least somewhat, in the past.
Barnaby seemed to realize what he had just revealed and slammed his jaw shut, eyes doe wide as he stared at the older Hero; tears still staining his cheeks, "I-I didn't mean to say all that," he whispered, hands clenching and unclenching on the table. He grabbed his glass of water and started chugging in, feeling dizzy and a little sick.
Antonio laughed and reached over clapping Barnaby on the shoulder once he had gulped down half his water. "Listen, kid, I told you to rant and you did! Feel better?"
Barnaby took a few deep breaths, thought about how he felt, and then looked up again. "M-maybe a little," he admitted, having it off his chest felt a bit better, ranting about how much he had lost felt better, having someone else who understood how messed up he felt made him feel more relaxed and able to talk about it.
Antonio smiled and picked up his beer, tapping it against Barnaby's water class in a cheers. "Well here's to rock bottom kid, there's nowhere to go but up from here, right?" he said with a booming laugh before he drank until his glass was empty.
Barnaby felt a strangled laugh escape his own lips at that, "Ya, to rock bottom, nowhere to go but up," he muttered picking up his wine glass and downing it like Antonio had his last drink.
The two had ended up chatting on lighter subjects, how Bison was doing this season and how he felt about being dead last; Barnaby had teased him for it, but only in jest.
They had parted drunkenly walking out of the bar an hour and three more drinks later. Barnaby hailed a cab as he watched Antonio stumble towards the elevator to take him to Silver stage