Kiss and Control 12 All Our Broken Hearts

Awakening with a strange sense of relief, Ran kept her eyes closed as she enjoyed the quiet of her room. Even though the relief was present there existed a slight sense of sadness which made no sense. Preferring not to examine this unexpected emotion, she suppressed and ignored it. Why should she feel any sadness? Her task was over; the dour, sour (who liked to glower) Captain, would be encountered rarely and the unusual emotions roused by thinking about marriage and all it entailed would not be entertained. Few of her friends or acquaintances talked about it… except Rukia. And Renji.

Marriage was something that happened to other people. That was all.

Shunsui only ever talked about love and how he felt betrayed by the emotion (rather than his actions) and how he didn't want to experience love anymore. Secretly he thrived on the drama and chance to bemoan how callous women were. They did not have the deep, intricate amalgam of feelings experience by men.

Ran thought it was a bunch of nonsense. Men were not the complex creatures they believed they were. It was very easy to understand the motives for most of their actions. When men whittered on she would sometimes feel the need to prevent her eyes from rolling far enough back in her head to view her brain. Men were noble and suffered quietly, at least in their version of reality. The reality was they were less complex and more predictable than a chicken.

At least her Captain didn't maunder on about his feelings and how important it was that his needs were met; unless it was related to work. Any talk of sentiment made his eyes narrow and mouth tighten. It was in some ways relaxing not to have to focus on another person's emotions when working,

Ran was aware of his devotion to Momo but it didn't seem like a romantic love. More like the love of a brother for a sister. He cared but appeared to distrust his feelings and, in some way, resent them. With her history perhaps distrusting feelings would be preferable to permitting them to guide her actions, but while she could admire the idea, she didn't want to expend the energy. Emotions were over-rated, as were men.

Her past had created resentment of other's actions and emotions. The pain of betrayal and belief she had permitted a foolish love cause her such pain. It was over, or it should be. The past was gone. Only memories remained. Only memories… which hurt.

Tiring of her thoughts and dashing her hand across her eyes to dispel some ridiculous moisture, she stretched, her fingers grazing the wall behind her head. The yawn which engulfed her face made her feel tired again, but she knew today would not be too busy. The normal paperwork, possible boredom of waiting for the captain's meeting to finish and daily administration tasks would continue. Tonight, however, would be different. Tonight, she would forget the last few nights of tedium and pretend all the thoughts of marriage, lost love and romantic issues never happened.

Rolling off the futon, she looked around her living area. It seemed stuffy and disorganised. Stuffy reminded her of the sour captain and she found she was grimacing. The additional duties had distracted her from airing her futon, washing some clothes and plates and watering the few plants she kept. Checking the time, she noticed it was still early enough to do some work to tidy and air her residence. As it was small it did not take long. She would dispose of the rubbish on the way to work and drop her washing at the local business who offered a quick wash and dry for a reasonable price.

With a sense of accomplishment, she left, locking the door carefully behind her. It was not that she worried anyone would be foolish enough to attempt burglary but it was a way of remembering that this was hers and she did not need to share it with anyone else. Everything would be in place when she returned and there was an internal peace living in a stable place, so dissimilar to the abandoned housing she was grateful to shelter in when she was a child.

The sun was bright against the sky. Minimal cloud and a breeze gently dancing through the leaves of the trees which also disturbed some of the dust on her path. After disposing of her rubbish and washing, she walked to the nearest tea shop and indulged in a light breakfast. Today the special was barley tea, which she quite enjoyed, and some grilled salmon with the usual miso, pickled and fresh vegetables, rice but no natto. She wasn't too concerned about the lack of natto as the substitute was a rolled omelette with mushroom and spring onion. This early in the morning, (or late if you believed her captain) the shop was quiet with a few other single customers enjoying their breakfast. Of course, if the effort had seemed worth if, she could have prepared her meal but after cleaning she felt a break from domestic work was permitted. Catching herself, she wondered about the thought. Her decisions were her own and if she wanted to have a quiet meal in a tea shop, why feel any need for justification?

Twenty minutes later she arrived at the office to find Shiro frowning as he read another report. This time he was biting his lower lip as he swiftly read the words. Experience warned her this was never a good sign.

"Matsumoto, you're late," he said without looking up from the paper.

"Late, early, it is all a state of mind and does not matter in the eternal cosmos. Time is an invention created by humans to try to understand the chaos of the universe," she parroted having heard Shunsui say it to Nano one time when she chided him for being lazy.

"Humph," Shiro replied, dragging his eyes from the report. "Spending time with Captain Kuchiki has improved your knowledge, perhaps, but not your attitude." There was a gleam of amusement in his eye as he spoke.

His reply made her laugh. "Can you believe that the good Captain would utter any criticism of time?"

Looking thoughtful, Shiro shook his head. "No. It is difficult to imagine Captain Kuchiki speaking negatively about time as he is conscious about punctuality, unlike you, Lieutenant."

She pouted slightly and then smiled as she thought of a response. "Punctuality is a belief that time holds the same importance for everyone and time passes at the same rate for each of us."

A small furrow marred Shiro's forehead. "Time does pass at the same rate for everyone."

Feeling mischievous she shrugged and said, "How can you prove something which means we have to agree on a theoretical idea which I dispute?"

There was silence as her Captain stared into the distance. The silence lengthened and feeling self-conscious she walked to her desk and shuffled some papers. Nothing she saw was interesting and all revolved around budgets, numbers, more numbers and new directives which did not always involve numbers, but that was infrequent. Numbers were constant. Why was time devoted to work that seemed to be created to occupy their work hours rather than improving the way jobs were handled? All the emphasis on efficiency made them more inefficient.

Scowling at the papers had no effect. They remained inert on the table unchanged by her thoughts and glare.

"Matsumoto, while time in an important concept to understand, it is not our focus. We are here to work on important tasks," her captain reminded her, his lips twitching slightly, almost indicating he was supressing a smile.

Ran tried, but failed to prevent a vocal sigh. "Important to some," was her immediate response, but she decided to not utter the words.

For once Shiro ignored the sigh and held up the piece of paper he had been reading. "Captain Kuchiki has informed me that you have completed the preliminary assessment of his marital candidates."

Pushing away the peculiar feeling she experienced at his words, she nodded in reply.

"Fast work, Matsumoto. Surprising really. You appear to have found some motivation in this task." The words 'unlike normal' were not spoken but implied.

"Captain, I like time to pursue my own interests. You are aware of that."

Again, a small smile appeared to be supressed by Shiro as he nodded slowly. Glancing at the clock he rose from his desk and stretched to his full height. "Time for the meeting. Remember, the lieutenants are expected not to gossip or spread unfounded rumours while their Captains are debating important issues."

Pressing both hands against her upper chest she pretended to look shocked. "Shiro, when have you ever known anyone at all in the Seiretei to gossip? I am shocked to hear your suggestion!" Her faux outrage did not last as her Captain covered his mouth quickly to hide his smile.

"Make certain you maintain those high standards you have outlined," he reminded her, as he opened the door. "Don't forget to bring the paperwork we have completed."

Ran poked her tongue out at her Captain's back. "Carrying paperwork? He would probably tell me it is more efficient to return it now as we are going there any way, but he could carry it, if it was so important," she complained quietly while gathering the paper together.

Closing (nearly slamming) the door behind her, she quickly caught up with Toshiro as he seemed to be staring in front of him. Following his gaze, she saw Captain Kuchiki attended by a grim looking Renji.

"This isn't even on his way to the Old Man's Office" Ran thought. "What does he want? Why is he here?"

Her Captain raised his hand and understanding she halted some distance behind him. The other Captain did the same and Renji stayed where he was while the two Captains met and conferred quietly. A slight movement indicated Toshiro almost turned to look in her direction but the impulse was ignored and the conversation lasted for a few minutes. She managed to hear a few words like 'break', 'time' and 'necessity' which made her feel slightly uneasy. Where they talking about her? "Please let the discussion not involve me," she prayed desperately as Captain Kuchiki glanced in her direction. A small suppression of Renji's lips indicated his displeasure at something. Maybe he knew. If there was a chance she could try and talk to him while they idled waiting for the meeting to finish. It wouldn't be gossip; simply an exchange of ideas and possible conclusions about recent events.

The conversation ended and Toshiro turned toward her, his face carefully blank. The other Captain curtly motioned to Renji to follow as he strode off toward the meeting, not looking back.

"Come Lieutenant, we must not delay the meeting," was all he said and quickly led the way, managing to be just that little bit ahead which made conversation difficult. The few minutes of the walk convinced her there was yet another demand to be placed on her time and a small amount of resentment flourished within her mind. Without consultation her own time might yet again be demanded by another all for the sake of honour and marriage, or whatever the 'noble' captain decided was too important for someone else to take care of.

Once again, she wished the incident by the river had never happened. The kiss had caused all this, she was certain that the minor indiscretion while she was asleep was the only incident which had made Kuchiki notice her.

Arriving at the Main Hall of First Division, her Captain went into the hall without any further acknowledgement. This was a meeting where each Captain was required to attend, but no details had been provided about the purpose. Usually, the second in command might be provided with some explanation, but nothing had been forthcoming. Idly listening to the discussion there was much speculation about the topic of discussion, how long the meeting would take, why, when, who etc.

Catching Renji's eye, she indicated she wanted to talk to him. He shook his head, colour rising through his face. His eyes looked hard but also sorrowful at the same time. Ducking his head he stared at the floor, ignoring everyone around him.

This did not bode well. Disregarding protocol Ran stood next to him as the discussion around them became more ridiculous, speculating that one of the captain's was to be tried for something, or a new directive had been handed down regarding patrolling the human world more vigilantly due to the rising number of Hollows, or the Captain Commander was thinking of retiring. Normally Ran would be involved in the discussion but Renji's reaction was bothering her.

"Renji. Talk to me. Something's wrong," she said quietly.

"It's you! You've made the captain think he should select a groom for Rukia. An arranged marriage ignoring our love, her position as a Shinigami and …" His words were quietly full of fury and he paused, biting his lip hard. A few seconds later he mumbled, "I can't talk to at the moment, Ran. Not your idea, but all this assistance you gave makes him think finding a spouse should be for the good of the family, rather than the individual." Moving quickly, he walked across the room and stood facing the wall, ignoring any strange looks or comments aimed in his direction.

She knew her mouth was open in shock and she tried to drag her eyes away from her distressed friend. "Is the Captain that heartless?" was her first thought. The imagined reply was formulated quickly in response. "Family honour is more important than the feelings of an individual. Family, honour and duty before everything." She could imagine the man believing those words, regardless of the rights of the individual.

Fixing her eyes on a point in space, deliberately not looking at Renji, her thoughts went to the brief discussion she had witnessed between the two Captains. Had Shiro committed her services again without discussion? If he done so, she would make it very clear while she respected him, her hours when not working were her own.

There was a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, which she decided to ignore. It might be due to a dodgy pickle at breakfast, or anger at the possibility of more time wasted on marriages contracted with expediency/honour etc., rather than love as the main impetus.

A sudden shock went through her. Did Rukia know? Her eyes searched the room, seeking the short but talented Shinigami. At first, she couldn't see her anywhere. Was she even there, or had she requested another senior officer take her place? Her questing eyes finally settled on a small figure, crouched in a corner, staring at the floor. While Rukia could be self-contained and distant, she did not crouch, instead always trying to make to most of what height she had.

Ran was shocked. Rukia who had remained defiant all through her trial and appeared prepared to experience death rather than plead for leniency looked cowed. The person who had pushed Ichigo around (Ran had heard the stories) defied her brother, spent months in the human world without her powers for protection, looked small and sad. Without meaning to her eyes moved from Renji to Rukia and back again, noticing the were studiously ignoring each other, and everyone else. Any comments made to either were ignored and other lieutenants were beginning to notice.

Trying to make up mind to either sing or make a bad joke to distract attention, Ran was relieved to see the door to the inner chamber open and the captains' emerged, looking as serious as their temperament permitted.

Rather than listen to the latest episode of "What the Chief Commander wants us all to do," on the way back to their office she might listen while her mind tried to find a solution to this new issue, which while she could deny any culpability in the decision, she did feel some tinge of responsibility. All her plan was to quickly deal with the demand rather than consider the implications it might have.

No! Why was she feeling any guilt? Of course, Renji was possibly blaming her and maybe Rukia, and once the news spread through the gossip mills of the Seiretei, everyone else, assisting the captain in selecting a wife was not her idea. Why was this happening? Why was one request now leading down this particular direction which was not likely to end in happiness for either Rukia or Renji.

Shiro was explaining that duty rosters were to change as more patrols were required in the human world due to the increased activity of Hollows. Research indicated there was a new source for the disturbance but all efforts had failed to discover the cause/s, people/entities involved and the eventual impact on everyone. Ran knew it was important, very important, but due to previous events, any attempt to solve the problem without some clear direction was futile. Even if there were clear indications, strategy, solutions and all the other components, if all the people involved did not work together than it was futile. People often resisted ideas when they clashed with personal beliefs, especially when the belief was based on a false premise.

She half listened to him, her mind preoccupied by the Renji and Rukia doomed romance. On reaching the office, her patience was at an end.

"What did Captain Kuchiki wish to discuss?"

Shiro eyes began to examine the floor. It was obvious he was not pleased to be placed in this situation. A short cough as he cleared his throat was an indication he might tell her, or a delaying tactic.

"Captain, if you have agreed that I will assist Captain Kuchiki again, I will take the rest of the day off…" she began.

"He has offered to pay you the same fee he pays to the nakoudo and also wishes me to give you time off…"

Astounded, Ran interrupted with "What?"

Shiro shuffled his feet a little and suggested quietly, "I will make some tea. We will sit down and I will try to convey the message."

Ran was a little shocked. Shiro rarely made tea but it might help if she had some help with her throat which seemed to be constricting. She sat at the low table after arming herself with a pen and paper. It seemed wise to take notes, but the sinking feeling remained. She couldn't in the search to find Rukia a 'suitable' husband.

The cup placed in front of her disturbed her thoughts and she sipped the tea, gratefully. Why now? What was so important about arranging marriages? It may be important that Captain Kuchiki sired an heir, but why force Rukia into such a situation?

"Captain Kuchiki is very impressed with how quickly you managed to assist him in choosing suitable candidates for his consideration. However, he feels is to be important that his 'sister' also be suitably matched with someone who will bring honour, contacts etc to the family." The captain's voice was quiet and without inflection.

"I won't help. Not with this! Rukia and Renji were children together, just like I was with G…"

She stopped, the name choking her with the vivid memories she sought to forget.

"I know, lieutenant. I explained you might not wish to assist in this due to the possibility of unpleasant memories and your friendship with both Renji and Rukia."

The room was quiet as she thought about the situation. A strange thought crossed her mind and she concentrated on the possibility. The money wasn't important but it would be nice to have a little extra. Spending time with the cold Captain did not appeal, but is he was insistent on the matter he would proceed and estrange his 'sister' and his second in command. That was a very short-sighted approach. Captain Kuchiki and Renji had many disagreements in the past, but had finally begun to work together effectively.

The strange thought was now becoming clearer and there was the possibility of using the situation in a manner which might not produce the desired outcome, it could lead to something else. Something that would resolve some of the long outstanding issues.

"What are you thinking, Lieutenant. Are you smiling?" Her Captain seemed shocked.

Quickly removing any expression from her face, she shook her head. "Sorry. My mind was simply distracted by a pleasant memory," was her lie. "I need to consider this further and need time. May I take the rest of the day to think about it?"

"Of course. If you do choose to assist, we will discuss the leave required. Please instruct one of your aides to assist me in your absence. The paperwork must be completed," Shiro said, seemingly a little confused by her possible agreement.

10 minutes later after sending a message and briefing an aide, Rukia was on her way to her favourite bar. She wanted to think through a few of her plans and hoped the person she'd invited would manage to join her, but after she'd had a little more time to work on her plan. Planning was everything in this situation. While spending more time with Captain Kuchiki made her feel uncomfortable, she had a few other feelings that she was not prepared to examine. Especially that brief moment when she almost uttered Gin's name to Shiro. Would the pain of betrayal ever pass? Did she still love him after everything? Could you love and resent someone at the same time? What happened when the resentment became stronger than the love?

She knew Rukia respected her brother, but this forced marriage would certainly arouse anger, resentment, maybe even hatred. At the moment Rukia was miserable and Renji already was both angry and resentful.

Dragging her mind back to her idea, she entered the bar and spoke to her friend, Kataro.

"The Captain asked many questions about you last night," Kataro informed her.

"Did he? Why ask you rather than me?" Ran wondered aloud.

"You would not have answered," her friend replied, smiling wryly as she poured the sake.

Ran nodded. She would find any further questions intrusive. "I suppose he asked about Gin?" was her quiet question.

"Of course. It seems odd that people say they aren't interested, but want to know all the answers to any stray question which crosses their mind. He was very interested in your reactions to everything an even asked a few questions that might be viewed as prying."

Why did that statement shock her? What sort of questions had been asked and answered? What was his interest in her? Ran began to feel quite unsettled and shifted in her seat, trying to shake off the unexpected emotions. "What were the questions?"

"Do you really want to know?" Kataro raised her eyebrows in surprise. "I thought you didn't care what the man thought."

"I don't," Ran quickly assured her while wondering about the strange feeling she was experiencing in her stomach, recently warmed by sake.

As Kataro stared at her searchingly Ran felt even more uncomfortable. "Yes, you do want to know. Ran, be very careful. This is an extremely unusual situation and there are many people who may be affected, you in particular."

The silence following the words was not a comfortable one. Ran gulped the rest of the sake in her cup and requested more. Why couldn't the past stay in the past? Why was everything influenced by past events and it was impossible to ignore the ones that hurt? The ones that made her feel shame, anger, regret and the overwhelming sadness of betrayal?

"You told him about the drinking," she blurted out without thinking.

"He asked. He didn't need to ask me. It's general knowledge. You tried to find forgetfulness, forgiveness and some relief but it didn't help. People talked as they do. But and this is the important part, you stopped." The words both upset and comforted Ran.

"Only because of you," she admitted.

Kataro looked over Ran's shoulder. "I think someone wants to talk to you."

A.N.

I am not dead. It has taken too much time to resolve a few issues and hopefully I will apply myself to finishing the stories. Once completed there are other projects, not fan fiction, which are drawing my attention.

Dear friend, KK, thank you for being patient.

Soundtrack

"If I Could Turn Back Time" Cher

"Aquarium" from The Carnival of Animals by Saint-Saens

"Gnossienne no. 1" by Eric Satie

"Beneath the Mask (Instrumental Version) Persona 5 Original Soundtrack

"Kiss and Control" (of course)