Chapter 92: Paradigm
Gone.
The boat was missed, the race was run and her heart… it would never be the same again. How she'd ever managed to convince herself to push him away, Erin did not know, but it was exactly what she had done when it was the worst possible outcome for her. The wee English fella was once in her grasp, a lifetime ahead of them that was disrupted by war. That was all that it was though; disruption. For so long she'd held out hope that he might return, always feeling as if somewhere out there he was still alive. It was only once she'd managed to extinguish that hope, did he resurface, but it shouldn't have stopped her from making her way back to him. It was only her foolhardy stupidity that told her not to. The narcissist that she was, she just couldn't see how wrong her actions truly were.
She'd lost their child but even that was a hurdle that they could have gotten over together. She saw it, slumped down with her back against the front door, tears dropping from her eyes onto her jacket. The wet patches around her chest were nothing compared to the ache inside though, which was a pain reminiscent of the one she felt when she first realised that she'd lost that child. They could have grown up as a happy boy or girl with a loving mother and a heroic father, but it was not to be. Her behaviour at the graveyard when she told him the truth of what happened, what she'd failed to disclose in any of her letters, was unacceptable. The young woman could see it now. When it was far too late to make amends or admit that she was wrong.
Conceding was not something that Erin did lightly, but there was little choice for her. All of the problems in her own life now were of her own making. It was she who'd forced the Englishman away from her when he'd returned, rejecting multiple attempts of his when he tried to rebuild at the very least a friendship. Clare's death had allowed them to become close to each other again, but it was more out of necessity when she needed someone to turn to. He'd done it without question, of course he had, because that was who he was, the comforting touch of a true gentleman. Without Clare's death though, they would have likely not had an opportunity to become friends again, divisions being made that would last a lifetime. They'd both overstepped those boundaries on the afternoon she visited him when he was looking after Anna, the tug of their own hearts being too great to ignore. It should have been the start of something more prosperous, yet she'd gone and messed that up the next day, before having the chance to escape from the clutches of the fella she was with in his absence.
Lance… he was her fault too.
"Yer an eejit, Erin… a-a stupid feckin' eejit!" She whispered to herself as she cried, knees tucked up to her chin.
There were that many signs that should have told her that he was not the man he said he was, that she was almost embarrassed to revisit them in her mind. Unfortunately, her conscience didn't care for how hard it was going to be; she was going to know every mistake and see exactly where she went wrong. As early as the first few times that they were together, she should have noticed how he was quick to remind her that he was there now in James' place. The Yank had begun to erase the Englishman out of her life, to the point where there were times when she would try to forget she'd ever laid eyes on him. Not to mention the times she snuck in behind his defences, climbed his greats walls and allowed him to love her how he wished. That was how she wanted to be loved, not the way in which the American decided that he would love her, only interested in her as a vessel for his plans. As much as she might have been using James when Clare died, from the moment he'd laid eyes on her, Lance had done just as much and more.
Too much more.
He was going to rape her. She knew it, she'd known it from the second that his eyes went from clear to dark. From when she could feel his oppressive breaths upon her neck, the wild rage of a man with no intent of mercy, very much capable of hurting her beyond recall. Fighting back against Lance took all of her strength and it still wasn't enough, leaving the blonde seconds away from having her life changed forever. She would have never looked at another man the same way again. Yet there he was again, James, like he always was for her whenever it was needed, rather than we she asked. Apart from when she'd lost their child, when he was training in England and did not know, at her greatest times of need, he was there. Burning her bridges with Anna was so stupid, her sister having watched the rescue, summoning the former pilot herself to the scene when it became clear to her that she was in danger. They'd looked out for her at one of the darkest moments of her life and yet, because of the idle threat that Lance possessed, she could not side with them. Another poor decision, thanks to a further poor decision made at Christmas. Informing Lance about their lost child was without doubt one of the worst decisions of her entire life, she decided as she was reflecting upon it, and there were plenty to choose from.
It was beginning to dawn on her too, head still burrowed into her knees, that he would have still stood by her regardless of what the local community thought. After all, he'd been more than willing to accept her friendship once more after she'd torn it away so brutally at the graveyard when he returned, a forgiveness that could never be expected. She didn't deserve his forgiveness then or now, but he so often defied expectations. Attracted to him because of that too, the ability to perform miracles when he turned his hand to anything, there was no chance that he would have abandoned her to face the gossipers and backstabbing, conniving, churchgoers alone. If anything, they would have been driven back by his more than likely diplomatically but scathing words, told to mind their own business in far from glowing terms. He'd not failed her before, no matter how much she might have wanted to blame him for not being there for her. That was just an excuse to hide how scared and confused that she was, when she was trying to love Lance at the same time as having him there in the background. Never pushing too far but always waiting.
Erin could only blame herself for making him wait too long.
Briefly lifting her head, she stared for a moment at the bicycle she'd discarded, her mind travelling to the trip home, whenever she could raise herself up from his doorstep. She would have to return to her Da and Granda empty handed, as a failure to them and herself for being unable to stop James from returning to England. Unbeknownst to her, her father expected her to be unsuccessful, prepared instead for the flood of tears he knew would come. The inside of her was an emotional wreckage already, that would only become worse when those that still loved her were once again in front of her. The process of rebuilding her relationships would start there, a journey of which there was no estimated time of arrival at the destination. It could take months to work her way back into her mother's trust, seeing as they were both just as stubborn as each other. Anna and Michelle would perhaps be able to see the light quicker, but all in all, it would be an experience that she knew would be just as frustrating as it was rewarding. That was all theoretical too; there was no guarantee that they would accept her again, no matter how hard she tried.
She could hear voices laughing at her. They were probably chuckling at how poor her choices were in life, at how little she deserved when she expected so much yet gave out next to nothing. Everyone in her life must have contemplated laughing at her ridiculousness from time to time, seeing as trying to warn her or shouting at her did not have the desired effect. All of the time that she thought that her Mammy was trying to control her life, she was in fact just doing her job as a parent. Watching out for her eldest when she wasn't doing it herself.
There was laughter again though, almost a little closer as it wafted into her consciousness. The sound penetrated the drum of her left ear, prompting her to turn her head to see if there was anyone there. What she found sent her emotions into orbit.
James was walking towards her. James who was not at home, who was on his way to Belfast to leave for good, never to return. James who would probably sign up again to fight in a war that had already taken so much away from him, except his life, which it most likely would if he went out to fight again.
Quickly, within a half-second, she was brought down from her cloud. He was not alone as he strode closer, still seemingly without having seen her. There was another woman by his side, a beautiful one that was an upgrade on her. She didn't even have to tell herself that. Charlene Kavanagh always was the benchmark that she failed to live up to, the standard of beauty that did not seem achievable no matter how hard she tried. The two of them walking out of the field together laughing told her just about all that she needed to know.
Accusations were levelled at him by her before, on that fateful day in the graveyard, no less. Always denying that there was ever another woman in his life when he was with her, he was not going to be able to talk his way out of what she could see in front of her. How long they'd been carrying on for, it did not know yet nor did it matter. Suddenly, having felt as if she couldn't be anywhere else whilst she raced through the back lanes, Erin found herself out of place. She didn't belong there anymore. With only one way out, she would have to make a dash for the bicycle and hope she was too fast for him to notice. It was James though. His eyes always found hers without failure.
On her feet when he noticed her, he cut Charlene off mid-sentence to call out to her.
"ERIN!"
Frozen like a rabbit in the headlights, she did not know what to do. She could still run for the bicycle if she wished, to escape what life was throwing at her, even if it would only count as temporary relief when the music was still to be faced at home. Something told her to stay though, one message her brain illuminated for her that she simply could not ignore or push away. He deserved to know how much she truly cared for him, despite the fact he'd evidently moved on. She could at least say at that point that she'd tried.
James ran the last few metres over to her, abandoning a sheepish Charlene in his wake, who did not cover the same ground as he did. Purposefully she hung back, very much aware of what was happening. When he'd came to her door to tell her that he was returning to England, mostly in order for her to inform Smithers and Menzies through the appropriate channel, he'd not said a word about Erin. They'd kept their plans from him when it came to Lance, a sequence of events that Joe was vehemently against. As far as the banker knew, his statement was still being used as potential evidence against the Yank, in a process that would take weeks to conclude. If he'd have known then there was not a chance that he would have left when he was still, as far as she was aware at least, in love with the blonde. In a professional capacity, the outcome of what happened in front of her was not of great significance, reasoning that could not be used to explain her decision. On a personal level though, watching the Englishman running over to her said it all, stinging her a little when her own feelings were not completely vanquished. They would remain friends most likely, Charlene understanding her place immediately. The heights that Erin had managed to scale with him, were out of her reach.
"I'm s-sorry, James…". Failing to blink away, the tears, a sniffling Erin could not look directly at him. "I… I've… I need to…".
"Erin… please…". He said a little breathily. "I need to…".
"No!" She interrupted him in return. "I see that I'm walking in on somethin', I shouldn't. Charlene's b-b… she's… she's a very lucky woman".
Should there have been a way to amplify the sound of her heart, beating away rapidly in her chest, then a deafening shattering sound would have been heard. Charlene was a very lucky woman indeed to have worked her way to James' side, to love and care for him when she should have done herself. Easily jealous of even the most minor of interactions, Erin wasn't sure how much she could take of seeing them together or speaking about them as a couple. The boot was very much on the other foot, something that she was realising all too quickly after so long. James had watched on from afar as she cosied herself up to the barbaric Lieutenant Hamilton, having to look on as another man lived his life for him. Now Charlene was doing the same, except she did not carry a plot of evil machinations that would see him left degraded and useless. He would be extremely happy with the young heiress, the two of them able to explore the life that the young Quinn so desperately wanted to. The life she'd always wanted since the moment the handsome, dashing Englishman walked out of the Mallon's house on a warm April afternoon many years prior, regardless of how many times she'd told herself she didn't.
"Erin it's not what you think". He tried to explain, taking another step to her. "Please, I need to talk to you".
"Yer leavin' James, what do ye want to talk about? I can give ye directions to Belfast if ye want…".
"Please Erin, I must insist". Begging, he was more unnerved than she could ever remember seeing him. "You have to forgive me, I did not expect to see you. I… I thought you were going off to America with the right honourable Lieutenant".
Her eyes were pulled out almost into the sea.
Throughout their time together before the war, they never properly argued as a couple. That meant it was the first time that the young woman was seeing the side to him that allowed the gentlemanly armour to drop, true feelings allowed into the field of play between them. Spoken roughly, he made no attempt to deceive her into thinking he was being diplomatic. Venom came spurting out of his throat, presented slightly sarcastically to mask over the pain that ate away at him upon discovering that she was leaving for good. After he'd beaten her assailant within an inch of his life, a life he would have taken if Mary and Joe hadn't stopped him, the last thing that he'd expected was for her to announce she wanted to spend the rest of her life with the man. Even a gentleman could break character at the worst of times.
Sensing that it was in fact her that was out of place rather than Erin, Charlene decided it was time that she excused herself. Her presence would only derail any progress that could be made. Knowing what James' heart wanted more than anything, she would not give herself any reason to feel guilty if the outcome was not as he desired.
"I'll… I'll get myself goin' now". She announced, her voice filling the air where there was silence following James' comment. "I… I'll be seein' ye, James".
Turning around to her, his face obscured from Erin's view, he flashed her a thankful smile. She'd agreed to walk back with him to the car to see him off on his journey to Belfast, a kind gesture from a woman who he most likely would not see ever again. Throughout his time since returning, Charlene was a constant, supportive presence that he was grateful for. She was one of a rare few who knew the truth about Aisling, witnessing the young man tap into the darker side of his emotions to kill the apparently innocent woman, who was in fact a Nazi spy. If it was to be goodbye to her, then he would never forget every last ounce of effort she put towards keeping his life in good order. She would forever be a true friend, if nothing more.
"Thank you, Charlene". He nodded as he spoke. "Take care walking back home".
"I will". Replying, she flashed him a smile. "Ye take care of yerself now, James. Keep up the good fight, aye".
At that, he chuckled. Laughter than Erin could not understand but humour that he would not, or rather, could not, explain to her.
Walking off into the fields that would take her home, a long but satisfying walk, Charlene could allow herself to cry if such emotion was required. It was a pipe dream, he'd made as much clear to her on the times that her advances were too obvious to ignore, yet she could always dare to do so. Although she might have been the one to dismiss herself, deep down the British agent knew that she was merely saving James a job. The coveted title of being the woman to have his attention, the one that he loved more than any, would not be hers to hold the crown for. Their strong friendship, a close bond between two young people of similar backgrounds though vastly different lives, would always have to be enough. There were tears building up within as she began to stroll away in the weak morning sunshine, but whether they would need to be shed would be found out along the way.
The birds seemed to vacate the trees around the two of them that were left, the scene being set for a conversation that was long overdue. Broadening out to the venue of his land, there was an empty colosseum for them to speak in, for apologies to be made and truths to be told. There was nothing left to stop either of them from being honest with each other, to tell each other what they really wanted and find out whether those interests were aligned. In the odd few moments that they'd found together since he returned, they were not in the appropriate setting nor frame of mind to say what was needed. Lance was out of the way now, most likely for the rest of their lives and out in the middle of the country, there was no fear of prying eyes being able to pass on parts of what was said. It was just them; James Maguire and Erin Quinn… how, once upon a time in a very different light, they had always wanted it to be.
Seconds ticked by as both of them looked to each other, then to the ground and then back again. The fire was there in front of them and they were dancing around it at opposition edges, on a parallel life pattern that needed to be twisted again in her mind. In years, it was the first time that the blonde could accurately say exactly where she wanted to be and who she wanted to be with. There was not even a war, even though it was still raging on the continent, that could stand in her way or change her mind. All that she wanted was him. She loved him more than she could ever quite imagine that it was possible.
If he still wanted it, if he did want to leave as it now appeared, then her heart was his.
"Er-".
"Ja-".
Awkward… it was always going to be in their collective states.
"You go first". He encouraged, beating her to it.
Courage was something that she knew she had, if she could coax it out of herself. Erin's courageous attempts at trying to move on from him when she thought he was dead proved it, no matter how long it took to bring them to the fore. Even though she knew she could live without him based upon that time, losing him again would be a whole different challenge. That was how she found the strength to open her mouth again, to allow her feelings to spill out, for him to process however he required. Poetically speaking, a thought that flashed across in front of her briefly, she was making her last stand for him.
"Ye… Ye can tell me that ye told me so or…". She choked out, wiping away a stray tear. "Or that I shouldn't have trusted him after… after…".
"I wou-".
"I know ye want to".
He took a step closer to her, another one, barely a foot between them now where they stood, just shy of his doorstep, behind the Morgan. The smell of his cologne wafted into her nostrils, the finely threaded hem of his suit jacket visible in her immediate eyeline. On another day, they would have been distractions, but not there and then. This was serious, she knew. Too serious to allow those thoughts to take over.
"Erin, I would never treat you so disrespectfully". He sighed, smile faltering, hands shuddering at his sides. "Please, tell me what happened. I will not judge you for it".
He wouldn't and that was part of the problem. He should have been judging her, telling her just how much of a fool that she'd really been. Except it was the gentlemanly James who would not shout at her or condemn her, at least not without understanding her first. The stage was clear for her to be honest with him, something that she should have been a long time ago.
"Lance… Lance's been t-transferred back to… to America…". She just about got out, stumbling over her words. "He's under investigation for… for attackin' Clint like Michelle said he did… and I… I told her that she was a liar but there's evidence… and I… I t-think he did it".
"I know". James added softly to her monologue. "I stopped him and his fellow officers from continuing their assault".
"Oh…". She replied, swallowing hard in receipt of the new information. "I didn't… I didn't know that ye knew. Michelle she…".
"Michelle is a lot smarter than anyone gives her credit for. I suspect she did not mention my name because she cared too much about you to mention me around him".
It made sense that Michelle would do such a thing, because despite her often brash demeanour, she did have a big heart. A friendly one that she'd turned her back on by refusing to believe that the story of Clint being attacked by Lance and his friends was true. Only in hindsight could she see how obvious it was that he would do such a thing, having to experience him assaulting her physically to understand it. The stratospheric amount of grovelling she would have to do for Michelle to accept her again, genuinely terrified the young Quinn.
"Please… continue". James offered, having watched Erin become momentarily lost in those thoughts.
"Aye… well he… he went and he didn't… he didn't… oh god!"
The overwhelming sense of humiliation that she felt because of the Yank was unbearable. Worming his way into her conscience so well that at times he in fact controlled it, the manner in which he left was draining her emotions. Picking her up, making her feel as if she was special when she was nothing more than a farm animal to him in the way in which he treated her, Erin could not get over how she missed every sign. Admitting to James what she'd found earlier that morning was going to be tough, the conversation with Lieutenant Masterson being one of the worst in her recent memory. Even from beyond the grave, although he'd wrote the letter before the attack on Taranto, James managed to impart his final thoughts upon her. Lance didn't bother wasting the ink.
"H-he… he never…. wrote anythin' to m-me… or… or told anyone to give me a message. He didn't… care".
As she uttered the word, James' face was awash with a mix of pain and anger. Hatred was strong, a feeling that he tried to temper the best that he could, but with certainty, he hated Lieutenant Lance Hamilton with a burning passion. Regardless of Erin's individual sins, the sailor would forever remain a figure of contempt in his mind. He would never be able to give his assurances to anyone, not even to his father, The King, that if their paths crossed again, that he would not finish the job. It did not shame him in the slightest, despite the many battles he'd fought with his conscience in the past, to admit that he would have happily killed him that morning if he was not interrupted. No matter who the woman was, he did not accept any man that took advantage of the opposite sex. He'd proven it in Bermuda too when one of the members of his squadron declared himself guilty of the crime, ensuring that the man would never serve again. That was the man that he was, against the grain compared to many, yet never afraid to stand up for those who required his aid.
Erin knew that too, loved him for it. Continuing on as her whole body shook, she just wanted to feel his protective love once more.
"I don't… I don't think that he ever loved me but I… I needed someone. Losin' ye was…".
"You do not have to explain yourself to me". Calmly, at least on the outside, James spoke up to stop her. "I have caused you too much pain for you to feel the need to".
"But I want to!" She quickly cut back, a hint of desperation in her voice. "It… it took me… m-more than a year to… to let go of ye. Lance he… he came along when I… I needed a new fella to focus on to… to try to love, I guess. He was always… ye know, quite nice to me and I was comfortable around him. He wasn't you though… he was never what ye were to me".
Flickering her eyes up to try to catch his expression, Erin's statement was brimming with hope. Looking back on her life with the American, comparing it to the brief time before the war when she was together with James, there was a vast difference. Lance might have made her feel comfortable and able to show some of her bubblier character, yet at no point did he inspire truly passionate feelings within her. On the Saturday afternoons before the war when she would visit the cottage to be with the Englishman, there was always an additional spring in her step because of how excited that she was. That same excitement was never there at all with the Yank fella, not even remotely. On no occasion did she really rush to meet up with him, her feet not carrying her to his side as quickly as they did James'.
Yet when she did meet his eyes, his expression was guarded. There was no smile adorning his lips either, not a single change in his demeanour evident. Her comment only appeared to bounce off of his hardened surface, without the deep impact she desired it to have upon him. For the first time she detected true frost from him, a coldness that she'd normally shown to the wee English fella rather than he had done to her. James wasn't known for being overly harsh to anyone, but it wasn't as if she could complain. Erin knew just how much she deserved any condemnation that was coming her way from him. Although she would not allow it to fester, one realisation was very much clear to her. He deserved much better than the version of herself that she'd been since his return.
Slowly, after brushing away some more tears, she started to speak again. They knew each other too well for James not to know that she hadn't finished.
"For a long time he'd been g-good to me… understandin' and… and I felt like I could tell Lance things, ye know. It's just whenever I… I mentioned you or… or anythin' that went against what he wanted… he would always make it sound like ye were a bad fella. I was so confused about how I felt about ye and… and I think he knew that and made me… think less of ye…".
James hummed in agreement, hearing her say exactly what he assumed that Lance had done. After the party on the night of Aisling's death, it was abundantly clear to him that he was a persona non grata around Erin as long as the American was with her. Vulnerable when her feelings were not as clear cut as she would have wanted them to be, he manipulated her to turn on everyone in her life to pave the way for him to fulfil his plan. If only he'd been able to get closer to her at the time, then he could have stopped the American in his tracks, only coming across his vile games when there were literal seconds left to properly save her. He'd still done so though, which is why it hurt so much that she'd pushed him away again.
"I… I told him about the baby". Using up all of the courage she could find, Erin decided to be honest, rushing into further explanation before he could stop her. "I… I needed to… to te-…t-tell him because I just couldn't keep goin' on with him without… without pretendin' to him that it didn't happen. He kept askin' for us to… to t-take things further and I couldn't keep lyin'. When we were walkin' together on Christmas Eve, I… I just opened up when he w-wanted to hear".
"Yes, I know. I was there". Pinching his eyes shut, James let out a sigh.
"Ye… ye were?" Stunned, she did not understand, her face showing how much she was straining for an immediate reply.
"The two of you stopped in front of my car when I was leaving the bank". He explained himself, his eyelids having opened. "From behind the car door… I heard everything".
Erin went to reply but there was nothing but air that rose from the back of her throat. He must have hated her for it, truly despising her for revealing their secret to the American. She should have spotted the Morgan, should have sensed that the fella she'd loved all along was close. Lance forced the confession out of her if she were to look back more cynically, demanding to know why she would not submit to his sexual advances. The explanation that day was not a long one, but it covered the most important details of how much of an impact that losing the child had upon her. From her closest friends she'd hidden the truth, even most of her family were clueless, yet she managed to capitulate so readily to him. The Lieutenant being the vile creature that he was, turned the story on James on the spot, to make her feel as if it was the young pilot's fault for their loss. He wasn't there for her and stupidly she'd agreed that Lance's words held some merit. They'd even kissed in the aftermath, all the while not being quite as alone as they thought. James heard every word against him; he knew she hadn't fought his corner, when he always without question defended hers.
"James, I… I was so… I… I didn't mean to…". She scrambled words out of her mouth after a moment, her cheeks burning red, her hands frantically gesticulating meaningless gestures. "He… I… I didn't… I just…".
Holding up his right hand, James ceased her flapping.
"I do not need you to explain your actions". He reminded her. "I just want to know the truth. About everything".
Drying her eyes for the umpteenth time, or at least it felt that way, Erin didn't know whether to be relived or worried that he was willing to hear her in full. He could have cut her down savagely and been within his rights to do so, especially when he'd been told the news about their baby in a much more devastating way. Both of the times she'd opened up to either man it was out of fear though, scared of what they would say for different reasons. With the American, the thought of another fella walking out of her life was what forced her hand, not wanting him to walk away when she was still fighting her confused feelings for the man who'd come back into her life. That was another one of the differences between the two though. Although she did not wish for Lance to leave, it did not matter to the young woman, what he thought of her for losing the child, not as much at least. Disappointing James by telling him that she'd been unable to bring a new life they'd created together into the world, was what terrified her with him. Her mind cornering her into taking the abrupt, cold route to informing him, was the by-product of those fears.
All she could offer him was a nod, before finishing off her story.
"That was why I… I…". Almost straight away she was stopping, to bite back the sorrowful whimpers that she knew were there. "Last week when… when Mammy wanted to know what happened. He'd already threatened to… to tell everyone. I didn't want to be… ye know… people would talk and they'd look at me all funny like. He was… he was goin' to tell everyone and the way he looked at me when Granda pulled ye away...".
"He was telling you he would?"
"Aye". Sniffling, more tears were brushed away. "He told me that we could have a life together in America. I thought if I went I… I could run away from all the… all the mistakes I've made and maybe… maybe I won't think of the baby if I'm… I'm far away from here. Our baby".
Rather than looking for the reaction that she wanted from him as she had done earlier on in her monologue, Erin glanced away, unable to bring herself to revere the sight of him. Acknowledging the child that the world was not allowed to behold, as theirs, was a major admittance to her when she carried the burden of grief alone. It meant something… something more than just saying 'the baby' or 'my baby'. When he did not even become aware of her pregnancy until nearly three years after the child was lost, she did not expect him to have such a strong attachment. Seeking his validation, was not what she wanted. All that the blonde was doing was for him. James wanted her to be honest with him, and not a single stone was going to be left unturned.
"That's all I can say, James". Her croaky voice became quieter, the tears continuing to flood down from above. "I've been so… so feckin' stupid and so… so awful to ye. Ye deserve someone like Charlene, so ye do… not me… not me who couldn't carry yer baby… not me who made was so cold to ye… not ugly me!"
"You do no-".
"No, I do need to!" Raising her voice, it was more to keep him silent than out of anger. "but… but I couldn't just let ye go without… without knowing how s-sorry I am for hurting ye. And that, I… I don't know if ye want to hear this…".
"I want you to tell me the truth about how you feel". He took his turn to get in word, hands clasped together in front of him.
She didn't know if she should tell him, even though she knew could. Again she fought a battle inside, a field that became ever more confusing, lined with the skeletons of a brutal past of hardship. The object though was the truth and she was not prepared to lie to herself, and more importantly, to James, any longer.
"I LOVE YOU!"
The shout startled him, not that she saw, her vision blurry from the salty tears.
"I always have and I always will so… please… I'm beggin' ye… don't go… stay her with me… please James… please!"
Throwing her whole conscience at him, every last sinew that had been denied from being spoken for years, all of her cards were on the table. Finally she'd said all that she wanted to say to him, words that went unspoken because how fate saw fit to pull them away from each other. Fate and her own inability to see logical sense, to work out Lance for who he was before it was too late. Already a blessing that she'd not suffered a more tragic turn of events at his hands, her dignity and life very much remaining intact, reciprocation was beyond the wildest of thoughts. Without getting down onto her knees, which she could have done if not for realising how ridiculous it would look after her prior bitterness towards him, Erin begged him to love her. Love was not guaranteed though, it couldn't be.
With all of her chips down, James stood there in front of her, quite unsure of how to proceed. His hands were in his pockets, almost a look of disinterest about him from afar, which was far from the truth. He cared about her too much to let her get away without being honest with him, knowing that her honesty was not just what he required, but what she did too. Half of the battle at least, his hands were in his pockets to mask just how shaky they'd become. For months he was the one pining for her from afar, expecting to be the one of the two begging for her love that day when he'd started his early journey to the Quinn household. When Gerry solemnly informed him that it was too late, he came to an emotional peace that cut him apart deep down, where the scars of such failure could be seen by no one but the fella himself. She was now in his position upon learning that he was changing direction in his life without her being in it, making a final plea for him to stay because she still felt what he'd felt all along. The colossally strong feelings that nearly brought them together just over a week earlier, their lips millimetres away from connecting.
But…
But with that peace came an acceptance of fact. He'd let her go, and although it was only a fresh departure from a mindset that plagued him for months, he wanted it to be a clean break. The James Maguire that reported to the Kavanagh mansion to inform Charlene of his very imminent departure, had understood that there could be nothing more for him with the woman he loved for so long. Erin was a grown woman capable of making her own choices, and if her choice of heart took her into the clutches of an abusive, manipulative, rapist, then he would have to allow it to. What he could not tell her, nor himself, was which of the two James' now stood before her after hearing her converse honestly about her feelings, for the first time since he'd left to fight in the war. How he wished David was there to guide him… he would have known what to say and what to do, holding the skill to read both of them adeptly. Without him, James was just as confused as she had been about him when he returned from the war, freshly scarred and not deceased like the whole of the city thought him to be.
What he did know, however, was that she could only demand of him what he demanded of her. Simple honesty. Even if that meant exploring truths that he did not want to visit.
Running a hand through his neatly slicked back hair, his appearance as impeccable as it always was, there was another minute or more of relative silence, other than the sniffles and sobs of Erin Josephine Quinn. The woman that he so often referred to as his beloved, a woman he longer knew how to view or address, the thoughts and feelings creating far too much uncertainty within. He could almost feel the eyes of Kurt Van Der Heijden upon him, despite knowing that the Nazi Doctor was no longer there. She was the final prize in their war of psychological strength, and his future being with her was where the final nail hinged.
His hammering heart could have jumped across the sea with the spring it seemed to hold, but it was just a mere distraction that he only allowed himself to focus on for a second. Once that second passed, his full attention went to her.
"Erin, may I ask you a favour?" He finally spoke, an unwavering command to his tone.
"A-aye…". A seemingly relieved Erin's face lit up.
He finally said something…
"Would you allow me to speak as honestly to you, as you have to me?"
Her delight wore off in an instant, because if he was having to ask, it meant that there was something he needed to say which was going to hurt her. A lot. An honesty that could shatter her into tiny pieces that he would not stick around to glue back together to make her whole again. Not that she wasn't already in pieces, her heart missing the most vital component to make it beat like it should again. Him.
"Ye… yes… aye…".
The answer did nothing to disguise her nerves.
"From the moment I was shot down, I have been dealt so much pain". Starting his own spiel, his previously firm voice was now much weaker. "David died in my arms, the Italians nearly shot me to death… I was beaten, tortured… I watched good women die in front of me… good men too and children. I've been stretched on a torture rack… I've been lashed by a whip!"
As the experiences of his pain became much more severe, Erin could feel herself shrivelling up more and more. Michelle had implied once during a quiet afternoon at work that the Germans or the Italians, or whoever it was, made sure to leave a mark on him. The dark-haired woman thought she hadn't heard but she had done so, always curious to understand what happened to the wee English fella, without ever being in a position to ask. The Nazi's were an enemy that she'd grown to despise more and more, and even more so the Italians, being responsible for at the time, for what she saw as the murders of both James and David. James wasn't a man who showed no emotion, far from it, but she knew how little he thought of putting his own worries and pain first. To have that barrier burst by what they'd done to him, told her just how barbaric the nature of his torture truly was. When she thought she'd gone through the single most pain in the entire world, his honesty reminded her that she was not the only person in the world who was able to live through such agony.
Not a single one of those thoughts could prepare her for what he had to say next. Heart-breaking words, but ones spoken truthfully, just as they'd agreed.
"And yet none of that torture and that pain, can be compared to how much you have hurt me since I have returned".
The frost that he'd displayed previously was no slip or poorly phrased thought. It was exactly what she feared the most in the world, what she knew she'd done. Broken him down, driven her away to make him hate the sight of her, when all along her heart yearned for his warmth to fill it again. All of the conversations, or at some times, deliberate avoidance of them, that pushed them further away from each other must have driven the deepest of wedges in his feelings for her. They might have come close to letting go of the past when Anna interrupted them at his cottage, yet that must have just been temptation. Even the most infallible of men could lose themselves to desire, but James was above all else quite a logical gentleman, who made reasoned decisions. As much as it hurt her to hear how much pain she had inflicted upon him, it wasn't as if she could counter any of it. If he wanted to finish her off emotionally for good, she understood completely.
James needed no invitation to press on.
"From the moment I left you, I fought for you!" He was already raising his voice, hands coming out of his pockets. "There wasn't a day that went by when I was training or flying, that I didn't think or dream of coming home to you again. It's all that I ever wanted to do, Erin. I loved you so much!"
His passion was debilitating, but a conscious Erin was far too focused on the fact that he'd said loved you so much, not love you so much. To her, it appeared as if he was doing little to telegraph his true feelings.
"I wanted to come home to you that first Christmas, but circumstances were against me… you remember, don't you?"
"Ye had to stay". She confirmed. "They needed ye…".
"And so did you". He picked up on how her voice trailed, understanding her meaning. "My loyalty to the cause clouded my judgement. I should have let another officer come from London to take charge. I should have come home to you".
"Ye… ye did what ye had to…". Erin conceded, swallowing painfully. "I… I still should have… should have told ye".
"No, you did nothing wrong then, Erin. Nothing at all". Flashing her a smile, they both eased a little in each other's company, if only for a second. "I would never expect you to write to me to… to tell me of our loss".
For another moment, her eyes grew wider and the tears stopped. It was his turn to see the child as theirs, and not just hers. A loss that she was not to share alone; it was one that they shared together. Yet as tangible as the hope might have been, there was once again the problem of how well they knew each other. She knew that he was far from over, that his brief softening was just that. Brief. The pain she'd brought upon him was not from that part of their lives, but a chapter written much later.
"When I was captured, my torturer found out about you". As he spoke he watched for her reaction, which was one of shock. "He tried to use you against me, threatened to hurt you if I did not comply with his wishes. That man drove me to the limits of the pain that I can withstand but he could never break me because I had you to fight for, Erin. Even when I feeling as if I was close to death, it was knowing that I could come home to you that kept me alive".
"I… I didn't realise that… that I meant that much…". She choked out, stunned beyond belief".
"You have always meant so much to me, Erin! I lost so many good people along the way back home and I…". James stopped, wiping away a tear of his own as he thought of his duel with John-Paul. "I was left with no choice but to kill to make it all of the way back. Every single action, every step that I took towards safety, was all because of you. I was wrong to ever hold you to such a high regard, but you were all that I had for so long. You were my life!"
His words were burning her, her skin alight even when there were no flames emanating from it. Trying to hurt her was not his prerogative, they both knew, but it didn't stop Erin from faltering at his declarations. All of them were spoken as if he'd lost her already, even when she'd offered him everything that she thought he wanted from her. The sands of time appear to have conspired against them, a mental departure from their relationship evident from him. She was the one who made him wait and it was for too long. Quite how she was going to withstand the rest of what he was going to say, she was not able to comprehend.
"I know I should never have expected you to run into my arms when I came home but I did not think for one moment you would be so cruel to me. I can… I can understand how you felt about me not being there for you when our child was lost but I have only ever wanted to make amends. We cannot change the past but then you… you have treated me as if there was never any hope of us having a future".
"I was confused". She quietly tried to justify herself for a moment. "I… I was wrong but… but I didn't know what to… what to say or to… to do".
"And that is understandable, Erin". He huffed lightly, shuffling on the spot. "I just do not see why you thought it would be best to treat me as if no longer existed. I had to watch my love for you be shunned at every turn. Even the simple gift of flowers, you would not accept from me".
"People would have… would have spo-".
"That would not have mattered to me and should not have mattered to you. I know you were scared of what Lance might have thought but you could have said they were for the family, not just for you. I did not bring you that gift with ill intentions… I… I just wanted to see that you were happy and would not think less of me for forgetting that it was your birthday".
She hated having to turn him away that night, crying herself to sleep afterwards. He was right to have been frustrated, she should have just accepted the gift and told Lance a lie if he ever asked. Only once the true light was shone on him, did she realise that he wouldn't have cared to have asked anyway no matter which room of the house they were in. Nobody else needed to know that the flowers came from James either, her argument at the time being a stupid one when she thought more of it. That was the problem with a lot of her prior decisions that were being thrown back in her face. The logic did not add up when Lance was out of the picture.
"My love for you was too much at times". Accepting his own faults whilst he outlined hers, James entered a staring match with his gravelly driveway. "I… I could not accept the direction that my life was heading in, and I nearly took my own life because of it. If… circumstances did not play out in the manner that they did then I would not be here talking to you now".
He wasn't trying to make her feel guilty, merely tell her the truth, but the two came hand in hand. Damaging her more than she could have ever thought, Erin was caught by surprise at the revelation that she'd already nearly lost him, without knowing at the time. He'd been driven to that place by the way in which she'd treated him, although that was not the only reason, not that she knew. If she would have just not acted as if the world would end by disappointing Lance, then they would have been happier. It was just one of many occasions where simply communicating with each other would have solved the problems that they faced. That was why they were where they were, talking about a mountain of feelings instead of compressing them down into molehills as they should have done.
"I moved on though because… because friends of mine helped me to see that it was wrong to hold such love for you… and then Clare died and…". He stopped, looking to her again, finding her hands covering her face to muffle the sobs. "You needed me… so I was there for you. I felt as if I had a purpose in your life again and that perhaps… perhaps that even though I know I only wanted to be your friend again, that we might be something more".
Wanting to scream back at him that she wanted that too, even though she didn't dare think it at the time, Erin found herself too emotional to do anything but sob. His honesty was hurting her a lot more than hers was hurting him, though she expected him to be stronger than her, after all he'd been through during the war. Weeping into her palms as her head began to pound in agony, she could honestly say that it felt as if her whole world was falling apart. Every last criticism, even those she'd feebly attempted to defend from him, was a deserving stab to her pained heart. Consequences were being faced that she should have seen coming a long time ago…
"But I have to question, were you leading me on?" Asking in a gravelly tone, he hated having to do so. "I have always thought that you would not be that sort of woman but I do not know anymore".
"I… I'm not…". She choked out. "Please, James…".
"I… I do not know what to think anymore, Erin. For the entire time that I have known you, I feel further apart from you than I have ever done".
At that, her sobs intensified, as well as her body's reaction to them. Her knees that so often let her down around him did not change in the slightest, buckling at hearing the distinctly aggrieved tone of his voice as he remained completely honest. The pain that she'd inflicted upon him was unlike any other, a much more personal series of cuts into his soul than any that came before it. They'd hurt each other over the years without ever doing so deliberately, or at least never with any poor intentions even if there was abruptness in Erin's case. To her, it was becoming much clearer that he was letting her go the hard way, most likely in a gentlemanly way to help her to move on too. If he could present an honest case as to why they shouldn't be together, something that he was doing, then he would do so only to help her rid any residual feelings she had for him. If it was only that easy though, when her bank of feelings for him had only been properly exposed to the surface that day, hordes of them awaiting release. Lieutenant Lance Hamilton was the biggest regret of her entire life, a life that he'd now ruined because of his cruel, manipulative games.
"But…".
James' voice as it so often did, distracted her, although this time it distracted her to be able to focus back upon him. On her knees, at his mercy, awaiting the killing blow that would send her on her way from his love forever, he was offering something. For that, she knew she needed to find those luscious green eyes.
"Despite all of that… I have never stopped loving you".
There it was. His final words of honesty that told her everything she needed to know. An outburst of feelings that saw her eyes widened, leaving Erin to wonder if she'd heard him correctly when he'd said it.
"Ye… ye still… ye still…". So stunned, she could not find the words.
"Erin, I do not know how to not love you. You… you are as much of me, as I am…". A tear-choked James opened up with reckless abandon. "I love you so much… I just… I cannot live with us being apart… I do not have true purpose, as much as I try to tell myself that… that I do…".
"James…".
When she spoke his name it was already too late to stop him from what he was going to do. They'd moved away from each other another foot or so during their conversation, but he'd quickly covered the crunching ground, his hands clenching her shaking wrists. They might have both been blubbering messes, but instantly they could feel their hearts calming at the physical contact, even if it was just minimal. There was that spark again, the one that she could not find with Lance, that only ever resonated with the Englishman. Love was what it was… it could not be denied. After years of pain, bitterness and anguish, fate was finally smiling kindly upon them.
Pulling her up from the ground, he took in her beauty, tears bouncing off the curves of his lips when he saw such a sight before him. There were many other women who might have thought themselves to be prettier than her, but he didn't care if the whole world thought he was blind. To him, no one could ever hold a candle to Erin Quinn, the only woman who'd ever managed to both love him and hurt him so much.
Yet she still could not believe it.
Why would he love her after all that she'd done to him, even if she had pleaded with him to do so. It's why when he drank in the sight of her, she could not reciprocate the gesture. Was she to wake up from a dream, and find herself back in bed that morning, long before any of the events of the day took place? Was it his turn to lie to her and lead her on, just to teach her a lesson?
"H-how… w-why… why-why would ye… I've done t-too much…". She trembled, constantly avoiding meeting his eye. "W-wh-… what would p-people t-t… t-think".
Her hands now in his, his having drifting down from her wrist where he pulled her up, the wee English fella gave them a firm squeeze. Her attention could not be taken away from him after he'd done that, waiting for her to soften when she realised just how real that their scenario was. They'd lost too much to dreams in the past; reality was taking over.
"Frankly my dear, I do not give a damn about what anyone else thinks about… about us!" He almost shouted, voice raised in passionate bliss. "All we need to care about is each other! Look at the world around us, Erin… there is too much pain and suffering in it… we do not need to add to it by sacrificing what we have for the good of those who do not think we should be together! We should cherish our love not hide it away!"
"I just want ye to be my fella". Erin sniffled out. "My wee English fella. My wee hero! I just don't know why ye think I'm worth it…".
Elastic was snapped. The degradation that she hurt herself with was something that James did not ever wish to hear from her again. If his words were not enough to convince her that a future together was what he wanted, he was going to have to rely on his actions instead.
From the very last time he'd done so, in a field out in the country on the day that he left to fight in the war, James had dreamt of having such a moment again. That was one dream that was coming true. Cupping her cheeks with his hands, she did not fight him off or attempt to stop him from showing her his true self again. Moving in towards her, his longing lips captured her hungry ones, connecting their love again where they'd left it over one thousand, two hundred and fifty days earlier.
Hearts that were missing pieces, were whole again.
There was no recklessness about their kiss either, one conducted slowly, their mouths reacquainting themselves with each other. Moaning briefly, Erin was awash with the most perfect pleasure, a shift from one end of the scale to the other in the seconds, when she'd believed that he was letting her go. From the passion that he placed into it, the way that he held her there for so long that she was having to breathe through her nose, James was telling her without speaking, that he was not going to allow another man to ever have such an honour.
Their lips would be bruised afterwards, but neither cared in the moment. They didn't need to.
James Maguire and Erin Quinn, had each other again.
They were no longer locked at the lips forty minutes later, but holding each other, when the inevitable shout came. A surprising one for who it was that the voice belonged too, as well as all of those that were accompanying her.
"OI!"
Michelle. A shout so loud could only be attributed to one young woman in the whole of Derry.
The two froze on the spot, slowly untangling as the young Mallon came into view from further down the driveway, along with what appeared to be the majority of Erin's family. Her parents, Anna, Orla, Marie and Granda Joe were there, all of them with beaming smiles having come upon the scene that they all wanted to see. The two of them finally getting their acts together and realising that they were perfect for each other. A couple destined to be together that finally were again after travails and tragedy, as well as misunderstanding. Confused at how to react to such an audience descending down upon them, the blonde swayed nervously on the spot. She'd burnt a lot more bridges with that ensemble than her fella had. Her fella. No one else's… it felt very special to refer to him as that in her mind again.
James was grinning from ear to ear, not least when he met the eyes of both Joe and Gerry. The former was the one who'd told him to keep hoping and even though he'd lost such hope when he retreated from the Quinn household that morning, his patience paid off. The decision not to storm off but to tell Charlene first, was a very important one indeed. Despite having let the young fella down earlier that day, Gerry reflected the same gesture back at him when it was received. It should have always been James at his daughter's side from the very moment that it became clear that they were in love, three and a half years earlier. The war might have stolen so much time from them, but crucially they'd never quite ran out of it, and once again he was in his rightful place. There was a nod to from the Southerner, a blessing of sorts. Although in the wider community there was still conflict, in their little world, once again there was peace.
Erin's stare was drawn to Michelle's though, the two of them entering a match. Neither expected to be in each other's vicinity, except from at work, again, but there they were out in the countryside just a few metres away from each other. There was a lot that needed to be said between the two, discussions of pain and understanding to be had. Those were for another time though, because there was a line in the sand to draw and only one of them was going to be able to sketch it out. As much as she wanted to rush forward to offer her apologies, it was not Erin's right to assume that she was forgiven. Michelle was going to have to be the forgiver, a role she accepted without question.
"Come here!"
She spoke as she moved, the two meeting in the middle in an embrace. Wrapping themselves into a tight embrace, enough words were spoken as their bodies pressed together. Their friendship was not dead in the water, merely temporarily disabled. They could be friends again, even if they were two of the most stubborn young women in the city. Lance was the common denominator in almost every single problem that the young Quinn faced, and with him out of the way, then there could be a reconciliation with her dark-haired friend. The two them had lost far too much, Clare mostly, to be apart forever. While the Yank was thousands of miles away, they could come together again by burying the past where it belonged. Exactly there, in time gone by.
"Michelle, I-I'm so sorry! I… I should have believed ye". Erin murmured a muffle into her friend's shoulder. "Lance… he… he…".
"Ach forget about it, Erin". Taking a leaf out of James' book, Michelle's tone was relaxed, if still confident. "I shouldn't have stopped talking to ye! Ye… ye needed me and I turned away. I'm sorry too".
"Ye only turned away because I pushed ye". Countering back softly, Erin was not allowing her friend to feel guilty. "I… I don't deserve a friend like you, Michelle".
"No! Don't say that! Ye know, with this war goin' on, I don't think it's about gettin' what we deserve anymore. It's about rememberin' what we already have and I have you, Erin. We aren't perfect, so we aren't, but I'd rather see the rest of this war out spendin' time with you than on me own!"
Crying at her own words, Michelle couldn't remember saying anything so profound in her entire life, but she meant every word of it. Her initial anger with Erin had cooled days ago, merely trying to keep up appearances to ensure her more hardened reputation remained intact. Beneath the surface, she was devastated that they'd parted on such terms, even more so when she heard just how much it was hurting her cousin too. The American was always the problem in the equation of Erin's life, the one that they'd been unable to move until whatever had happened that morning. She'd gone to the Quinn household to grovel for her friendship back anyway, arriving at the same time as a returning Mary to hear of the events of the morning from Joe and Gerry. They'd all made the decision to get themselves to the cottage as quickly as they could, Gerry wheeled in a chair for ease, injuries still crippling him. Whilst her journey to resume what she held with her friend might have been more out of luck, it was exactly where Michelle wanted to be.
"Thank ye, Michelle". Sniffling out, Erin began to pull back from her. "Yer such a class friend. I… I don't know what I'd do without ye…".
"Well I can't be that good". She rolled her eyes. "Looks like yer shaggin' an English fella, I've taught ye poorly!"
"Michelle!" Mary warned, though she laughed it off.
That was the Michelle that Erin wanted to hear though, crass as ever with no respect for the authority around her. The way in which she grinned at James too after the comment, as he shook his head, was everything that she loved about her. Malice was never part of her modus operandi, but mockery was the most vital ingredient. No target was too daunting for her to pick on, not least James, who she would tease until her dying breaths. He didn't mind either, after having put up with her being legitimately abusive towards him during his first stint in the city. The Michelle of that time though was long gone, and in her, he had an ally that he could rely on forever. That they could rely on forever.
With one down, one set of feelings bridged again in the order that she did not expect, Erin faced down the rest of her family. Mostly, it was to her mother and sister that she owed apologies. Orla and Marie were not collateral damage like them and her Da and Granda already were accepting of her again. After all, it was Joe that gave her the bicycle that transported her to the cottage to chase down her future and Gerry who'd encouraged her to do so. They'd worked incredibly well as a team, not that she would mention it to them, when certainly her Granda would take significant offence at being sided with his son in-law.
Just like with Michelle though, they were there waiting for her, Mary's arms wide.
Erin rushed over to her and Anna, engulfed in a hug that warmed the hearts of them all. The struggles she'd envisaged in her head were not the reality that she faced. They might have been hard-working, honest people who did not appreciate being messed around, but her family and friends would always welcome her back. Perhaps the war helped, the feeling of never-ending pain and suffering having no need to be added to, yet they would have welcomed her back anyway. That was how much love could be found in their family, the power to forgive being one just as important as any.
As they came together, Michelle shuffled back towards Orla and Marie, when the latter wanted a hug from her. James' face was lighting up with more affection than he could remember having for some time, seeing Michelle's motherly instincts on show too. Able to place his mind at rest finally, it dwelt upon the knowledge that she would be a brilliant mother, whether it would be a child with Clint or any other man. He would add another child or children to his list of those he would defend the lives of with his own, being more than happy to do so. Proud to do so, in fact. Whether he would be blessed with children of his own was a thought for another day, especially after the ordeal Erin endured by losing their first. They'd barely been back together an hour, the last thing that he wished to do was overstep the mark. It was a thought though… just like the other one swirling around in his head at that moment, the one that made him smile the most.
Wheeling around to join him, detaching himself from the rest of the family, Joe was picking his time wisely for the quiet word that he needed to have with the Englishman. Trying to keep his own cover under wraps, he'd been unable to say a word about what he knew was happening with Lance, not to Erin nor to James. His own cover would have been blown if questions were to be asked, matters of national security and international relations having to take precedence over any familial ties. With the Yank safely on his way though, he took his place to James' left, the two both looking on fondly at the two sets of hugs that they could see. Even Gerry in his chair was managing to get himself into the embrace with the rest of his household, one that was a long time coming. For a few seconds there was a respectful silence until the secretly curious but largely knowing James, asked the burning question that Joe expected him to.
"Smithers?"
"Aye… took care of it in the week, so he did". Confirming the young man's suspicious, the old one carried on. "It's all taken care of, nothin' for ye to worry about. And that Yank won't be comin' back anytime at all, I can guarantee ye".
"Good. She's safe though now… with me".
"Of course she is, son. Yer goin' to make a good honest woman out of my Erin, aren't ye?"
James did not even have to answer that. The delighted hum that escaped his lungs was evidence enough for Joe, not that he really needed it. Having known who his mother really was, not just the reputation, and seeing how she'd brought him up to be a fine young fella, Erin's safety was guaranteed. He would die for her if he needed to, sadly nearly proven only a couple of months earlier, albeit those dark days were long gone. There was light to James again, shining brightly in a world tearing itself apart. The past could not be changed, the lost child and all of the other losses they'd incurred, but his granddaughter's future was just beginning at that fella's side, a land of adventure and possibility around the very next corner. In time the ghosts of the past would be a distant memory, chapters coming to an end as new ones began. He really was the best man possible for her, and for that, her Granda could not be more grateful.
As the two of them watched on, Gerry was watching closely, as well as keeping an eye on his nearest and dearest. Once they'd pulled away from each other, profuse apologies began from both Erin and Mary, neither being able to get a word in over each as they cried and laughed at the predicament. Mother and daughter were as far apart as ever just a couple of hours earlier, but a difference was made in that time that was more significant than any other. They'd both been stubbornly stupid, reverting to default whilst they scrapped previously, yet none of it mattered whatsoever. Her eldest was back where she belonged, not following an American pipe dream that was on a road to nowhere. Even better, their duty of responsibility over her would soon pass to another, the perfect candidate to safeguard her interests for as long as she could still breathe. Anna too apologised, though both Mary and Erin told her that she was not to blame at all. If anything, it was the younger of the two sisters that saved the older one's life by fetching James, the ardent rescuer during Erin's darkest hour. She was as much of a hero for finding him than the wee English fella was for dispatching the vicious Lieutenant.
"Are ye movin' in with James now?" Anna asked her sister sweetly.
They'd not really gotten round to discussing that in the time they'd reunited, spending it either kissing or holding each other. Before the war it was spoken of though, and without the conflict getting in their way it would have been a certainty. For years it was placed on hold, but with her future angling towards one particular direction, it wasn't exactly stupid to think of what she was going to do. Erin knew where she wanted to be though; it was just a question of whether her parents were ready to let her go just yet, or if they would make her wait until it was absolute certain that their reconciliation was not merely a fleeting one.
"Ach… I… I don't know, Anna". She nervously admitted, whispering in the hope he did not hear behind her. "It's a… it's a wee bit early for that".
"But you love him, don't ye?"
"Aye, I do. But… but there's a lot to work out, Anna, ye know. It would be cracker if I could move in today but it's not that simple".
"Sure, it is nice out here, so it is…".
Mary's slightly distracted, topic turning comment, was not exactly that to Erin even if it was to everyone else. There was an acceptance of an eventuality in her voice, yet without it sounding angered or strained whenever it did when Lance was involved. As far as she was concerned, her wain would be finding her home out in the countryside just outside of the city, with the fella that she was in love with. All children flew the nest eventually, and it was time for her and Gerry to let go, she knew. Their stretch as her immediate protectors was coming to an end in the manner that it should, handed over to a capable pair of hands to look after her more closely. She would always be welcome back at the Quinn household, they would be as a couple too, but their home and their lives were to be made away from it. That was how it had to be.
"I think the answer's comin' sooner than ye think, Erin". Gerry chimed in.
"What?" She replied quickly, though confused.
"Turn around".
With a frown taking over her facial features, staring at her Da, Erin didn't hear the gasps and grins off all of her family who still faced the Englishman. She'd also not heard her Granda moving back across to Orla's side, so that there was just James left behind her when she swivelled around on the spot. Very quickly, she produced a gasp of her own at what she saw.
He was still there, he always would be, but he was not in the same stance he was in when she fell into her Mammy's arms.
He was down on one knee, a ring in his grasp, a question on his mind.
The ring that she did not know belonged to his mother, one of the few possessions he'd managed to salvage and hold onto that was in her possession as she passed. A ring that had seen too much tragedy, pain and death, was finally going to be put to proper use again.
A ring destined only for the finger of one woman after Kathy died.
Erin's finger.
"Erin Jo-".
"YES!" She shouted, stopping him from getting started let alone finishing. "YES!"
Raising himself from the knee he was resting on, James launched into an embrace with her, their lips meeting in the middle. They didn't need to wait to commit to their futures together, even if he had been a little nervous. Cutting him off before he could even finish the proposal to her was more than enough evidence to James that they would spend the rest of their lives together. They were both crying as they kissed, tears streaming out of eyes that had long suffered without the loving presence of the others within them. In truth, there wasn't a dry eye around; not even Joe could stop the watery presence from cascading down his cheeks, glaring at Gerry when the southerner seemed to notice.
"Did you know about this?" Joe, tears blinked away, immediately questioned Gerry, his suspicions raised.
"I might have omitted that wee detail from ye Joe". He chuckled, accepting guilt readily. "It's just James asked me more than three years ago and when he asked me this mornin' if that offer was still on the table… I couldn't say no".
"That's about the smartest thing ye've ever said. Well done".
The compliment that he gave the Southerner, both shocked and amused the family around them. He could be forgiven though, given the depth of the emotions that were spreading out into the Derry air that morning. Beginning so poorly in the Quinn household in the darkened early hours, the difference stood out there later on in the morning, was quite startling. That was how life, especially in wartime, was conducted. Everything could change so quickly. For all concerned that were huddled together though, it was thankfully a change for good rather than anything else. Watching two young people made for each other being brought back together, snatching victory from the jaws of eternal damnation, was a joy to behold.
"I love you". Erin whispered to him as they pulled away.
"I love you too…". He replied quietly. "Mrs Maguire".
Finally after so, so long, they'd truly come back to each other, how they always wanted it to be.
They were home.