Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and its characters do not belong to me.
...
He had told Danny once, a couple years ago, that the McGarrett men were a different breed. They weren't made to show their emotions. For the sole, if slightly misguided reason that it was akin to showing weakness. For a good portion of his life, he had hardened himself, building up his defences and becoming the perfect sculpture of a man devoid of emotions. He had learnt to detach his feelings from himself and being in the Navy had definitely helped him hone that skill. Fear, pain, sorrow, those were feelings he never showed anyone. Sometimes not even to himself. Because what good would it do? Revealing his feelings just meant exposing his vulnerabilities. Wallowing in his emotions only took time away from more pertinent issues. Showing emotions was unnecessary, and even detrimental, that's what he grew up believing. Which was why he had become extremely skilled at burying his feelings.
That was right until...
Until a certain loud-mouthed Jersey Detective named Danny Williams had come into his life. The man who was the complete utter opposite of him. The man who thought it would be appropriate to reveal his every feeling at every given moment. The man who more often than not, allowed the fist-sized organ residing beneath his ribs to guide his actions rather than his brain, the one that is actually highly developed for that very purpose. The man who was not afraid of showing his feelings even if it meant displaying his vulnerabilities. The man who had wormed his way into his life and gradually and unknowingly broken his carefully erected shield, making him feel again.
The man who, at the moment, was lying uncharacteristically, perfectly still in front of him.
He felt an unfamiliar, even slightly painful twinge in his chest and his eyes twitched as his fist tightened its hold around the light purple giraffe soft toy in his lap. He stood up from the wheelchair and carefully took a few unstable steps towards his partner, aware of the nurse hovering by his side.
He had known that it was bad. The terms that Doctor Cornett had thrown at him didn't seem trivial at all. Danny had been transferred back to intensive care. Doctor Cornett's refusal to assure him that Danny was going to be okay clued him in. So he knew that it was bad.
Besides, even though none of his team members had explicitly told him anything useful about Danny's condition, for members of an elite task force, they were incredibly terrible at keeping a poker face. Surprisingly though, it wasn't Kono but Lou who had done the worst job of keeping his uncontrollable emotions under check. The guy, bless his poor soul which had incurred Steve's not unfounded wrath for hiding something that was actually beyond his control, was literally walking around with self-reproach written on his forehead and a perpetually constipated grimace.
So yes, he definitely had known that it was bad. That Danny wasn't doing well at all. Yet, nothing could have really prepared him for the sight greeting him as he stood face to face with his partner.
"God.." No, he wasn't religious yet somehow that was the only word that barely managed to escape his lips. He unconsciously bit on his bottom lip, hard enough for him to sense the slight metallic taste of blood.
"I will leave you two alone for a few minutes. I'll be right back, Commander. You can't stay too long." He heard the nurse speak as his eyes never left his partner's still body. He heard the automatic glass door shut behind him and he allowed himself to relax a little.
"Danny.." He breathed, his hands searching for the edge of the blanket that had been neatly folded up to Danny's waist. He clutched it with one hand as he slowly lowered himself into the well-worn, once pink (now an ugly shade of brown) chair next to Danny's bed.
Releasing another unsteady breath, his eyes rested on his partner's face, analysing the healing scar on his left cheek and the faded bruise on his forehead. "Buddy.."
He swallowed, unable to speak beyond one word.
He shuddered at the intrusive sound of the ventilator, clearly working over time to keep his partner breathing. Danny's slightly exposed chest rose mechanically, much too unnaturally, in tandem with the noise, the mask on his face fogging up with each exhale. Danny's gown had been left askew to reveal the wires he was attached to and for the first time, Steve saw the bruises on his partner's otherwise bare chest. Angry-looking bruises which were still too dark marked his ribs. He wondered how much worse they must have been when he first got them. Previously hidden under Danny's loose hospital gown and over-shadowed by his own wounds, no one had thought to ask just how badly his friend had been wounded from the plane crash.
No one could have known.
Danny had downplayed his injuries right from the very moment he stepped off the ghastly wreckage. Chin, after the fact, had told him that Danny had denied any medical attention from the EMTs. Insisting he was fine, Danny had forced himself onto the same ambulance to keep him company as he was rushed to the ER. Then, again, Danny had waved off any concerns regarding his injuries, as though he hadn't just almost died himself, he had gone after Dae Won. His partner had led the team and HPD to bust the whole drug operation while quite literally bleeding into his own gut.
Then Danny had…
He swallowed the ever increasing pang of guilt sitting in his chest.
He still had difficulty fathoming his partner's selfish decision. No, it wasn't selfless, Danny's decision was nothing but a selfish one.
A little too late, Lou had confirmed what the doctor had revealed to him. The shock evident on Chin and Kono's face told him that it was their first time hearing the crucial bit of information too. First time hearing that Danny, the noble idiot that he was, had ignored the fact that he was not in the best condition to donate his liver and done it anyway. He had ignored the doctor's words and gone ahead with the transplant.
And now, they were both paying the price of that one decision that Danny made.
His best friend had bled internally. Post-operative bleeding.
While Danny was lying next to him, while they had had yet another argument, while he had been a big giant ingrate (Danny's exact words and he now agreed to whole-heartedly), his best friend was slowly again bleeding into his gut.
Without anyone knowing.
But he should have somehow known. Right?
He should have realised that something was wrong sooner. He should have asked if Danny was alright when his partner groaned with every slight movement. He should have asked why his partner hadn't finished his food instead of teasing Danny about his high-maintenance tastebuds that couldn't seem to swallow hospital food. He should have realised that his partner was quieter than usual when everyone had come to visit, should have realised Danny's slight pallor.
He should have known.
Even if the doctors and Danny himself had no idea that there was something wrong, he should have known better. Danny was after all his best friend. He should have known every little thing.
He should have known.
But he hadn't. He hadn't realised until it was almost too late.
...
16 hours ago
The nurse had left him alone in the room with two words, "emergency surgery", and nothing else before she too rushed out of the room. What was wrong, how bad was it, was Danny going to be okay? None of his queries were answered.
His partner's pain-filled sob still rang clear in his head. He could still hear Doctor Cornett's unsurprisingly still too-calm voice giving out orders to the medical personnel, ordering for more tests and scans as his partner was crawling in and out of consciousness. The image of nurses crowding his partner, working in perfect synchrony and making Danny look even smaller in the bed would probably forever be etched in his head. The sight of his partner being transferred to a waiting gurney and rushed out of the room as though he didn't have much time was something he would never forget.
He was numb as he stared at the now neatly-made, vacant bed next to him. Strange wasn't it. He had griped about Danny's incessant rant and fault-finding with anything and everything under the sun.
"Three days, Steve. I'm out of here in three days max." Danny had said after one of their arguments.
"Good. Can't wait." He had replied. But now he regretted having ever said that.
Now...Now he wanted nothing more than to hear his partner's voice. To hear Danny say anything at all. Even if it was to complain about something ridiculous, like that he breathed too loud. Anything really.
Two hours had passed, though it really felt much longer as he awaited news of his partner who had been brought back to surgery. His team had rushed over the moment they heard about Danny's sudden downturn. Kono was keeping him company while Lou and Chin were down at the OR waiting room, promising to be back with news as soon as they heard anything.
It was almost three hours since his partner had been taken away from him, that Chin and Lou finally returned to the room with Doctor Cornett leading the way. He tried to read the Doctor's face but nothing. He then looked at his colleagues, it wasn't good.
Active haemorrhage in the splenic bed.
That was what the doctor had said. He understood the words individually but put together, he wasn't quite sure what it entailed. What it meant.. was it bad? Doctor Cornett had told him that it was a post-operative complication from Danny's partial splenectomy.
"Spleen?" Steve had asked. "What happened? Why did he.." Steve hadn't understood why it was happening. Was it a side effect of the liver donor surgery?
"Detective Williams had suffered trauma to his spleen from the plane crash. There was a slow bleed, we had tried to stop it and repair the tear. But we ultimately had to remove a portion of his spleen as the bleeding was worse than we initially anticipated."
"He was... he was injured." Steve said. Obviously Danny was injured, he knew of the cracked ribs and superficial bruising. But what was this about his spleen? He looked at each of his team members. Chin and Kono looked just as clueless as he did but Lou looked slightly uncomfortable. "And he still.. he still gave me his liver?" Steve asked.
Dr Cornett nodded. "I had advised him against it, but there was no other option at the time. His condition wasn't life threatening and there was a decent chance of full recovery despite the heightened risk."
"Heightened risk.." Steve blinked, trying to comprehend what was going on. Why had Danny failed to mention this? Why had no one on the team told him? But those were questions for later.
"So.. now.. now what's going on?" Steve had asked.
"Post-operative bleeding is rare but not exactly unheard of after a splenectomy. Usually if it occurs, symptoms of bleeding show up within 12-18 hours from surgery. But in Detective Williams' case, he had what we term delayed-onset haemorrhage. There were no signs of sentinel bleeding prior to this either."
"He was doing fine." Steve said, confirming the doctor's words. He looked up at the doctor's exhausted face. "Is he going to be okay?"
"We managed to keep the bleeding under control. He's been transferred to intensive care and will be there for the foreseeable future."
"But he's gonna be okay?" He asked again, the Doctor hadn't answered his question. He felt Kono squeeze his shoulder in assurance. But that wasn't enough. He needed the words to come out of the doctor's mouth.
"His body took quite a hit, commander. He had already lost a lot of blood when we brought him up to surgery. We're still replenishing the blood loss. We are keeping him under close observation, he might not tolerate another episode of bleeding." The doctor released a low sigh. "On top of that, Detective Williams is running a low-grade fever, the most recent chest x-ray indicated an the presence of infiltrates in his lungs, pointing to an infection."
"Infection?" Steve swallowed.
"That's right, pneumonia. It is not uncommon with the type of injuries he had sustained as well as the surgery. He was under prophylactic antibiotics after the first surgery but it seems the bacteria he's been infected with is a multi-drug resistant strain. The antibiotics weren't effective in preventing the infection. We've placed him on a more rigorous regime of drugs and we'll have to wait to see the results."
"Is he gonna be okay?" Steve asked yet again. That's all he needed to know. That Danny was going to be okay. Danny had to be okay. Why wasn't the doctor answering the question?
'Yes, commander, Detective Williams will be okay.' That was all he needed to hear. That was it. Please, please say it.
"Commander, I will be honest with you. He's in critical condition. With Detective Williams' present condition, an infection is not good news.. We're trying our best to get the pneumonia under control but like I said.. his immune system has taken a huge hit. Only time will tell if he will be strong enough to fight the infection."
He gulped.
"He will.." He heard Chin speak up, his voice soft but determined. He had almost forgotten that he wasn't alone with the doctor in the room.
"Can I see him." Steve said. It was phrased like a question but it really wasn't.
"Commander, I would strongly advise against that. Your immunity is still compromised. Besides, Detective Williams won't be conscious for a while, he is heavily drugged and he needs his rest."
"I need to see him. Please, doc?" Steve's pride went to the dogs as his voice cracked with emotions. Yeah, he wasn't that emotionally stunted any longer and he didn't care if his team members knew.
"I understand." Doctor Cornett looked at him conflicted for a moment. "Pardon me if I am out of line. But Detective Williams, he would want you to.. he wouldn't want you to disregard your own recovery."
"Doc.."
"I know how you feel. Commander, please trust us. We're doing all that we can to help your partner. Once we get his infection under control, I will bring you to him myself. And I promise you, you'll be the first to know if his condition changes."
He nodded, even if he had no intention of heeding the doctor's words. He was going to see Danny the first chance that he got.
Doctor Cornett must have known too, because throughout the day, he felt like he was a prisoner being watched. Just short of being handcuffed to the bed. But he had to get out. He had to see Danny for himself. His team had come and gone, telling him nothing had changed, for better or for worse. That Danny was going to be okay. But their faces had told a different story altogether.
Grace and Charlie had come to see their father too, imagine the disappointment on their faces when they had found their father's bed empty. How had he forgotten to call Rachel to tell her about Danny's condition? Because of the age limit, Charlie hadn't been allowed to see Danny in the ICU. Grace was just past the age limit, but Chin had lied that she wasn't allowed to see him because Danny needed to rest. He could guess why. He had told the kids that their Danno was going to be fine, he was a little sick but that he would be okay. Charlie had smiled, saying that Danno was a superhero (the boy got that right), of course he would be alright. Grace was a little harder to convince but she eventually believed him. After all, Uncle Steve always kept his promise to her.
Now if he could only believe it himself too.
And to do that, he had to see his partner. He needed to.
It was a little past midnight. Doctor Cornett had visited him again in the evening, but now.. He should have left by now, the doctor had to go home, right. The nurses were relatively less active now too. He had a chance to sneak out. His only chance. He carefully pushed his blanket aside and pulled out the IV in his hand. He stood up, wincing at the dull ache in his abdomen and thigh. He grabbed the stuffed giraffe that was waiting on Danny's vacant bed. That Charlie had left there earlier to accompany his dad in his recovery.
Holding it tight in one hand while the other clutched his side, he inched towards the door. He must have been a sight to the nurse that walked in at that opportune moment. Just his luck, really.
"What do you think you're doing, Commander?" Nurse Tia rushed over to him, a hand immediately on his back and arm.
"I..I need to see Danny." He confessed. Honesty was the best policy?
"I am pretty sure Dr Cornett had told you that you're not allowed to.."
"I know. But I need to know he's okay."
"Detective Williams is okay. We will let you know if anything happens." He swallowed at the implication that something could happen at any time.
"Nurse.. I really need to see him." He said. "Please don't stop me."
"I can't commander. I will get in trouble for this."
"Then pretend you don't know. You didn't see me leave. Please.. please.." See, he knew manners. Danny would be proud that he wasn't screaming his head off at the poor, overworked nurse.
"You know I cannot do that." The nurse sighed.
"Then help me. Just ten.. no no.. five minutes. I promise. Please."
She looked conflicted for a second. Then glanced outside the room. "He's gonna kill me.. uhh.. god what am I doing?" She muttered to herself. Just hang on, take a seat." She guided him to his bed. "I need to get your IV back on you. And let me get a wheelchair. You will have only five minutes, Commander. And just so you know, I could get fired for this."
"I'll make sure you won't." He said, he knew he always liked Nurse Tia. "Thank you."
...
He inched himself forward in the chair so that the space between him and his partner was reduced.
He had only five minutes. The nurse would be back any moment now. He needed to do this fast. But somehow, words eluded him even if there was so much he needed to say to his partner.
"I.. Dann..." He breathed, taking Danny's hand in his and gently wrapping his fingers around his partner's wrist. The weak thrum of Danny's pulse providing him with temporary refuge.
His cheeks were suddenly wet, a trail travelling down his tired features before sliding off his chin. He could't be sure what it was. Raising a hand to wipe it off, he found that it was immediately wet again. With his vision blurring, he realised that they were his own tears. He was crying. When was the last time he did that?
"Danny..Why? Why didn't you say that you were hurting?" He looked at his partner, hoping that his partner would give him an answer.
"I.. I'm sorry, buddy. I should have.. I should have realised that you were hurting. Why didn't you.. Danny, you should never have given me your liver. This.. this wouldn't have happened if.. You say I'm impulsive but you look at you.. You took a huge risk. Why? Why Danny? You..you should have thought of Grace.. of your son. Didn't you think of them?"
He bit his lip again. "I am not worth giving them up. So why did you do it? Why didn't you listen to the doctor's advice? Because I would have died? Then you should have let me. You should have let me.. Better me than you.." He sobbed, letting go of Danny's hand to cup his own face.
"I hate you, I hate you so much.. Did you not think... did you not think what it would do to me if I lost you? How could you only think about yourself?" He looked up at his friend who remained unflinching.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Danno. I ca.. I can't lose you. I'm so sorry. I love you buddy. I'm sorry I couldn't say it earlier. I'm sorry I couldn't thank you. I'm the idiot. I don't know why it was so difficult. I don't know why I couldn't say it. Each time I wanted to, I just couldn't.. I know I hurt you, Danno. And if this is.. if this is you punishing me for it, then I deserve it Danny." He sniffed.
"But you know who doesn't? Your kids, Danny. Grace.. Charlie.. they don't deserve to lose their father. Certainly not because of me. Danny, I'm sorry what I said about Charlie. I didn't mean it, buddy, you know that right? You have to know. You're an amazing father, Danny. Your kids will never.. they'll never hate you. Danny, they can't lose their father. Please.. please, buddy. You have to come back for them. You have to."
He took the stuffed giraffe still lying on his lap and placed it next to his partner's pillow, making sure it was safely tucked, not obstructing any of the wires running on the bed. "Charlie wanted you to have this. He said it would protect you and make you all better. He misses you already, he really wanted to see you but he can't be in the ICU. So you have to get better and see your kid, huh? You're.. you're gonna fight this, Danny. I know you will. You're gonna be okay. I know."
He heard the door open behind him. His time was up. "Commander? I'm sorry but it's time, I have to bring you back."
He breathed unsteadily, wiping the tears away from his face. Standing up slowly, he looked apologetically at his partner. "I don't want to leave you alone..but I gotta go, buddy. Gotta take care of your liver, right? You be good, alright?" He breathed.
"Grace and Charlie wanted me to give you this too." He bent over his partner, ignoring the piercing pain that shot through his abdomen, and planted a light kiss on Danny's hairline. "You're gonna be okay. I'll see you soon, partner."
...
A/N: Hey everyone! Again, thank you so much for all your reviews, really appreciate them! I am glad that you guys are still following along. Hope this chapter wasn't boring or confusing. Idk.. I had a hard time separating the events out so the story didn't move too slowly.. I hope it isn't... Tried a few things but I kinda liked it this way tbh but I don't know how you guys will feel about it. Let me know what you think! And as always, take care and see you in the next chapter :)
p.s. At the risk of repeating myself, medical parts came from google so yeah..I'm gonna go hide in a corner. (Thanks to Stevefan81 for the help when google failed me or rather when I failed to google properly heh)