Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and its characters do not belong to me.
...
He glanced at his partner, a smile on his face as his partner's soft snoring filled the silent air. Danny was back next to him. The bed that had been vacant for too long was again occupied by his partner. The worry in his chest had dissipated slightly, knowing his partner was recovering well and out of any immediate danger.
Yet, the worry wasn't completely gone. Danny had been transferred to his room two days ago. Even though the doctors had cleared him to be moved to the normal wards, Danny was still too lethargic. He spent most of the time asleep, only waking up for a few minutes at a time. The colour had returned to his face but his voice was still frail and walking even a few steps seemed to take a lot out of him.
But what concerned him the most was that he knew hiis partner was still avoiding him. Danny spoke barely a few words to him (or anyone else besides his kids really). The only time he had seen his partner smile, his voice perked up, was when Charlie and Grace came to visit him. It was the only time his partner's eyes seemed alive.
The guilt was eating into him. He knew that his partner was still rightfully mad at him. He was also aware that Chin was right and he shouldn't be delaying speaking to his partner.
The long overdue apology to Danny needed to be said sooner rather than later. He told himself that he was only delaying because Danny was still not 100% well yet. But..the truth was, he didn't know where to start. There was too much to be said. Yet each time he looked at his partner, the words eluded him. He wasn't sure what to say or how to say it all.
And mostly, he was afraid...
Afraid that his partner wouldn't forgive him. And if that happened, he couldn't blame his partner. He really deserved it. But he would never be able to live with himself if Danny didn't forgive him.
...
Danny's eyes remained shut, trying to fall asleep but finding it difficult to. Maybe he had had too much sleep in the past few days.
True to his words, Doctor Han had released him from the ICU two days ago. His initial elation at finally being freed from the confines of the suffocating prison was quickly dampened when he realised what it meant.
That he was being transferred to Steve's room.
In the ICU, it had been easy to hide behind the excuse of being tired to avoid the conversation with Steve because his partner was only allowed to see him for a limited time. But if he was stuck with his partner 24 hours a day... he couldn't really be tired all the time, could he?
It was going to happen soon and he wasn't sure he was ready. Somehow, he had managed to delay it for two days.
If it had been entirely up to him, he wouldn't be back in this room. He would choose a room way on the opposite wing of the hospital, far from Steve and the team. Not because he hated his partner or anything like that. But because he wanted to hide from the truth that would come to haunt him sooner or later.
But unfortunately, it hadn't been up to him where he was transferred. Dr Cornett was still his attending physician and apparently, the clueless doctor had the idea that he would have wanted to be back in the same room with Steve. Apparently, Cornett had thought the pair was inseparable. Apparently, it had been a massive feat trying to separate Steve from his side while he was in the ICU. And apparently, Steve wanted the same thing - for him to be transferred to the room once released from the ICU.
How was he supposed to believe any of that? After the events of the past week, after what he had heard, how was he supposed to believe that Steve wanted him anywhere near him?
Sure, in the past two days that he had been in Steve's room, he had noticed that his partner's demeanour towards him had gone through a complete turnaround. The mean remarks, distasteful jokes, eye rolls were gone. The anger and annoyance in his voice were gone without a trace. His partner had been nothing but nice towards him, speaking to him with a soft voice that he couldn't quite get used to yet. The look in Steve's eyes each time their eyes met was another thing he couldn't get used to either. He had always been exceptionally good at reading Steve. And he knew what exactly he saw in those grey-blues.
So he knew why. He knew why Steve was behaving the way he did. The forced niceness, the effort to be extra mindful towards him. The constant 'Are you okay? Are you hurting? You need the nurse?' that was thrown towards him god knew how many times. He knew why. He had just come back from the brink of death, after all.
He was reminded of that reality not just with the pitying looks he received from his team, not just from the gentleness with which they all spoke to him or the way they all of a sudden cared about him or from the flowers and balloons that had miraculously gathered at his side of the room.
But at every moment, every single cell in his body spared no effort in reminding him of how close he had really come to meeting his creator. His chest still ached when he breathed a little too deeply, his heart still exerted a little too much force onto his rib and his brain was still trying to break out of his skull. But even in his perpetually pain-riddled and drugged state, he knew what he saw in his partner's eyes.
Pity or guilt. One of the two, maybe even both. The very reasons why Steve was being nice to him. Accommodating even. But whichever it was, he didn't need either from his partner. He didn't need Steve's misplaced guilt and he sure as hell didn't need pity from Steve. He knew what Steve's true feelings were.
His partner had made it so clear that night in this very room. And if he thought that nearly losing him would have changed Steve's mind, boy had he been wrong? He knew what he had heard his two most-trusted friends talking about several days ago when they thought he was asleep.
Nothing had changed. It was a matter of time. His near death was merely delaying the inevitable.
"No, not now…I don't want to add further stress on him..He's not strong enough yet. I'm not sure how he'll take it. He's not ready for the conversation. Not yet. And I don't want to force it on him."
He breathed, wincing at the deepening ache in his rib. How had he been so dim-witted? How had it taken him this long to realise the heartbreaking truth that he was no longer needed or wanted by Steve's side. Or in the team for that matter.
The clues had been there all along…
How the team's jokes directed towards him had been a little harder to laugh at but he convinced himself he was being overly-sensitive. How arguments seemed to be the prevailing mode of communication with Steve nowadays but he told himself they had just become that comfortable with each other. How Lou seemed to be Steve's choice of partner recently but he coaxed himself into believing that Steve was being considerate since he'd been complaining of back aches ever since his bone marrow donation.
Maybe he wasn't all that stupid. In his subconscious, he had known all along. The very reason his visits to Jersey had become more frequent and stretched on longer. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was earning a little more to afford the frequent travels now, but everything to do with the fact that he needed that regular time away.
He had just refused to believe it. After all, they had had each other's back for 6 years. He told himself that they were Ohana, something they had always prided themselves on. But with all the evidence laid out in front of him, he really had no other choice, did he? How could he go on deceiving himself? For how long more could he delude himself?
Now it made perfect sense to him why Steve had behaved the way he did after the transplant. Maybe he was just that repulsed by the thought that he now owed his life to his pathetic partner. That it would be that much harder to boot him out now. That was where the guilt and pity he saw in Steve's eyes stemmed from, he was sure of it.
But his partner really didn't need to worry. He would never stay where he wasn't wanted. He gave his liver not for any other reason than to keep his partner alive. But if Steve no longer wanted him around, even if it hurt him more than he could imagine, he would never use the liver as a reason to be kept around.
Which was why in 3 days, he was leaving.
Whether he was allowed to or not. Whether Doctor Cornett signed his discharged or not, he was leaving this room, leaving this hospital. Leaving this island…
If it made him a coward for choosing to evade his problems rather than facing them head on, then so be it. But he just didn't think he had the strength to face it all on his own. All alone.
He had no one here. Besides his kids. Life really had gone a full circle for him. He was back where he was 6 years ago when he first came on the island. That was a bitter truth to swallow. One he needed time to fully come to terms with. He needed the time to heal. Both the physical wounds and the ones inflicted on his soul.
He knew it was too early for him to even be thinking of travelling. Even a short walk along the hospital corridor with his physiotherapist left him perpetually breathless, so let's not talk about being in a pressurised cabin of recirculated stale air for 24 hours.
And to be rawly honest, he wasn't even sure he could step onto a plane without having a full on heart attack. But that wasn't about to stop him. He needed to get out of here, for how long he couldn't tell. Not forever because Hawaii was still his kids' home and by default his too. But maybe for as long as it took him to feel whole again.
He released a soft sigh, resigned.
"Danny?"
"Hmm?" He breathed, his heart skipped a beat the way it did each time Steve called him with such gentleness. Because he had no idea if that was when the crushing reality would finally be forced upon him. When Steve would finally tell him.
"You okay, buddy?" His partner's voice was dripping concern.
Why was Steve making this so much harder? Why did he so badly want to believe the concern he heard in his partner's voice? Why did he hope that he had misunderstood everything, that his partner actually did care about him and this wasn't merely guilt or pity...
"Why wouldn't I be?" He asked.
"You..you weren't really talking much when the team was around." Steve said.
"Jus..just tired I guess."
"Sure? If you're hurting anywhere.."
"M'fine."
"Okay. But..if you don't feel well, you let me know."
He looked at his partner and nodded.
An awkward silenced sliced through the room for a good few minutes. He sighed heavily, they had never been awkward with each other. Not even that first encounter they had with each other, guns drawn and having a screaming match. An unconventional first meeting but they hadn't been awkward. Not like they were now.
Still, a part of him was grateful that the conversation hadn't come up while the other part wanted Steve to put him out of his misery already.
"Umm.. Danno?" He watched as his partner adjusted his bed to an upright position.
This was it. Now. Steve was going to tell him now. Okay maybe he didn't want to be put out of his misery just yet. Maybe he wanted just a few more days, weeks, months maybe years to think he still belonged. If it made him a hypocrite for wanting to delay this as much as possible even though he told himself he accepted his partner's decision, then yes, he was the biggest hypocrite on earth. But he wasn't ready to accept that the family he had held dear for the past 6 years was no longer his.
He clutched the edge of the bed, hoping for something to soothe the ache in his heart.
"Danny.. there's..uh..there's something I need to talk to you about."
The guilt in his partner's eyes were brimming.
"N..now?" His voice trembled as he held in the urge to bawl or scream, he didn't really know.
"Ye..yeah. I..guess I.. Danny what I.." He didn't think he had ever seen his partner this nervous. Ever. He swallowed the nauseating lump in his throat, bracing himself for the words that he knew would shake his world and tear it apart. "Wh..what I'm trying to say is.."
He shut his eyes, holding back tears that were beginning to sting. "I know..I know what you want to say... Don't worry, I get it." He breathed unsteadily.
"Danny.. I..I'm sorry buddy.." Steve paused, looking at him uncertainly.
"I.. uhh so I guess.." He winced, his chest hurting as the words formed. He breathed through the pain.
"You alright?"
He nodded. "When..Steve?"
"When? When what?"
"When did you decide..that you no longer.." He paused, whispering the next words. "Want me around."
"Wait.. What? Danny? What are you talking about?" Steve asked. "That has never crossed my mind."
He looked at his partner whose aneurysm face had instantly appeared. "No?" He asked hopefully. "Isn't that what you were about to tell me."
"Danny of course not.. where..where did you get the idea that I.." Steve stood up and approached him, sitting down on his bed. "Buddy.. I can never not want you around. I'm so sorry Danny. I'm so sorry I ever made you think that way."
He swallowed, a tear betraying him and slowly descending his right cheek.
...
A/N: Hey guys! As usual, a big thank you to my loyal reviewers, you guys always make my day:) Also, thank you to those who are still reading. Hope you guys are still enjoying my little ramble.. Anyways I always end up writing a lot more than I initially planned. This was never supposed to be more than 8 chapters long.. but here we are. Depending, there will either be 1 chapter left or 2 at most (I hope). So thanks guys for sticking with this. Also reviews are very much appreciated so if you have the time, I'd love to read your thoughts! Take care:)