His bed dipped slightly as his partner sat on the edge of it a little hesitantly, a warm hand curled tightly over his. A touch that brought endless comfort to him even if he knew it wouldn't last.
"Buddy.. I can never not want you around. I'm so sorry, Danny. I'm so sorry I ever made you think that way."
He swallowed, a tear betraying him and slowly descending his right cheek. He wanted nothing more than to believe his partner's words. But how could he? His heart yearned for those words to be true but the more rational organ residing in his head nagged him otherwise.
What if.. what if Steve just… Danny, come on, Steve's just feeling guilty. He's just feeling bad. Don't kid yourself. You heard what he had to say…
He inhaled unsteadily, riding through the fresh agony piercing through his chest as the stale words once again crashed against his ribs. He couldn't do this. Not the false hope that everything was alright, that Steve didn't not want him around any longer… Because he knew pretty well that his partner was done with him. How, when or why it had happened hardly mattered at this point.
Warm, stray tears slid down the side of his cheeks, paving an embarrassing path down his face. He squeezed his eyes shut, burrowing his face into the pillow while silently wishing to vanish into thin air.
Great, just great, Danny Williams.
"Danny?" Rough fingers traipsed across his face gently, carefully wiping away the evidence of his weakness. Coupled with the softness in his partner's voice, he was thrown into confusion.
"Buddy.. hey, Danny, talk to me, please. I'm really sorry." He felt a gentle squeeze on his arm.
What was there left for him to say? He breathed, eyes peeling open to meet his partner's watery gaze. Tears?
"It's fine, Steve, I get it. You don't owe me anything." He whispered, miraculously managing to keep his voice from faltering.
"No, Danny, you don't get it. You've gotten it all wrong, buddy." Steve said.
Did I really get it all wrong?
He couldn't bring himself to think so only for his partner to tell him in the next instant that he hated him. That he was so repulsive, even his son would grow up to hate him and that no matter what he did, he would never be worthy of anyone's love.
Even if he had been wrong, even if whatever little bit of conversation he had heard Chin and Steve have at his bedside had been misconstrued by his 'worst-case-scenario-addicted' brain, he didn't think he had misunderstood Steve's attitude towards him after the transplant. The unwarranted anger he had been on the receiving end of, the annoyance in his partner's eyes each time he even spoke, the words that had might as well been poison arrows directed towards him…
That could all only mean one thing.
"I.. Danny.." He watched as his partner struggled with himself. The SuperSEAL seemed to be harnessing all of his available superpowers to keep the tears from flowing. He really shouldn't be making this so much harder for his partner.
Ignoring the constant throbbing radiating from where his heart beat a little too raucously, he pulled his arm away from Steve's warm grasp and pushed himself upright so that he was face to face with his partner. He swallowed the barrage of tears that were painfully brewing in his chest, looking at his partner with renewed determination.
"I'm… Steve, don't worry about it." He started. "Whatever it is you want to say, I.. I'm ready to hear it."
I'm ready to hear you say that you hate the fact that you have my liver. That you're alive because of that.. That you would rather cut it out yourself than even acknowledge that a part of me lives in you. So, don't be burdened by it. Don't think that you have to keep me around just because of that liver. If you no longer want me around, I am ready to…
He looked away from his best friend's soft gaze, staring at the white sheets covering his legs. Truth was, he couldn't stand to look at Steve for a second longer. Because the dam in his chest was near bursting. And he certainly didn't want to contradict his words by bawling his eyes out. He wasn't ready. Not in the least bit but he had to force himself to be.
If you no longer want me around, I am ready to take my leave, buddy.
"I.. I almost lost you." He looked up, unsure he had heard Steve right. Not just because the words were unexpected. But more because Steve had almost whimpered. Yep, that's right, his fearless partner had just made a small, timid sound that was a complete and utter mismatch to his Neanderthalic personality.
This time, it was Steve who averted his gaze. "I almost lost you." He repeated. "I can't lose you. I don't want to lose you."
He swallowed. Why was Steve confusing him? When he had given his partner the opening to kick him to the curb, why was Steve doing this? Why was his partner making him cling on to foolish hope?
"When.. when the doc said that.. that you might not.. Danny.. I.." His partner stuttered, fingers fidgeting nervously with the edge of his blanket.
Against his better judgement, he reached out to his partner, holding Steve's hand steady. Because as much as he knew Steve hated him, he loved his partner way more than that. And seeing Steve this wrought with emotions like he'd never seen before was quite honestly, unsettling.
"I didn't, okay? I didn't die. It's okay."
Without looking up, Steve continued. "It's not."
For what seemed like a really long time but was probably a minute or at max 2, they both sat in contemplative silence, broken only by the sound of their synchronized breathing. Steve was likely arranging his thoughts. And, him? He just wasn't sure where this was going anymore.
"It's not okay." Steve said finally. "You remember what I said.. that night before.." Steve looked at him, a pained expression on his face as he failed to complete his sentence.
He inhaled, breathing out slowly as his heart gripped in pain. No matter how much time had passed or how many times those words had replayed in his head, the ache didn't quite lessen. He nodded wordlessly
"If.. if I had lost you… that would have been the last thing I said to you." Steve breathed. Shoulders slumped, his partner continued, "I sat by your bedside, I.. for the first time in my life, I prayed… I prayed that you'll be okay. I was so afraid, Danny… I saw Grace's, and Charlie's faces.. and all I could think about was that.. I put you there, I nearly killed you."
"That's not true." He said. "This had nothing to do with you."
"Nothing? Danny.. you gave me your liver. You should never have.. You shouldn't have done it."
"Is that what you truly feel?" He asked.
You're telling me you would rather be six feet under the ground than have my liver?
Steve nodded, and right then, he knew all he needed to know. There wasn't much left to be said, was there? There wasn't much he could do to change anything now either. He was left with only one option. Stay out of Steve's sight as much as possible, and maybe then his partner wouldn't be reminded of the fact often enough.
"Why did you do it?" Steve asked like he really had no idea why.
Honestly, if he didn't feel like a 90-year old man with one foot already in the grave, he would have delivered a punch on Steve's jaw that would rival the first one he had delivered 6 years ago. But the fact was that his energy was quickly waning and if he even attempted a punch, it would likely end up being a pathetic tap. So instead, all he did was look tiredly at his partner.
"Why do you think?" He asked, blinking wearily. "Let's just.. I.. I.. you don't have to worry about it. This doesn't change anything."
And like a switch had been flipped, he saw the subtle change in his partner's eyes. He didn't flinch as Steve raised his voice slightly. There was that familiar anger that his partner had skilfully concealed. "It changes everything, Danny! Why don't you get that? I can't look at you without.." Steve shut his eyes, pausing for a long moment.
That's exactly why I'll leave. I won't make it hard on you or anyone else…
He waited for the truth from his partner. Steve couldn't even look at him, he wondered what he was even doing in this room again then.
"Danny, I can't look at you without feeling like the most undeserving jerk on the planet." Steve finally spoke again. "You are the reason I'm still alive, I'm breathing. And I didn't once thank you. I said a whole lot of things to you that I never meant. I hurt you over and over again even when I knew what I was doing. And maybe I did it intentionally. I wanted to hear you say it. For you to say that I didn't deserve what you did for me. I kept going.. I kept hurting you and I crossed a line I never should have.., What I said about Charlie, I never meant it. I could never mean it.. And I'm sorry I ever said it. I'm really sorry."
He watched as tears slid down his partner's face. That wasn't what he had expected to hear.
"You don't mean it?" He muttered, not realising he had said it out loud instead of in his head.
"Buddy.. there is no way that Charlie would ever come to hate you.." Steve gripped his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. "And I don't hate you either, you know that, right?"
He swallowed through the discomforting tightness in his chest as his vision blurred with tears. His partner kept telling him over and over again that he didn't hate him.. Was it really true?
"Danny, you have to know that." Steve said. "I love you, buddy. I just.. I was I don't know, I was confused, angry.. I don't really know what it was. But when I woke up to find out that I had your liver.. that you did something like that for me.. I didn't know how to live with that. It wasn't 200 bucks you lent me, it was a damn vital organ! You put your own li.. Danny?"
He blinked, looking up at his partner but for some reason, he struggled to focus on Steve's face.
"Buddy, hey, you okay?" Steve asked, concern evident in his voice. Yet again, enticing him into believing that his partner cared.
He nodded. Though Steve didn't seem to believe it, strong arms holding on to his shoulders as though afraid he would topple over without support. And quite frankly, he wouldn't trust himself not to.
"Danny, you need to lie down."
"I'm fine." His voice surprisingly came out raspy as the tightness in his chest persisted. Steve was probably right, he did need to lie down. But he needed to hear what his friend had to say even more.
Steve looked at him conflicted for a moment, hands still firmly confining him in a tight grasp. "You sure? Buddy, tell me if something's wrong."
"M'fine.." He repeated. "Just.. go on."
"Danny, you put your life at risk for me. I will never be able to repay what you did even if I tried. I will always fall short."
"I'm not asking you to repay me." He said. "All I ask is for you to take care of it. Ju..just don't die."
"I'll take care of it. I promise. The most precious gift you've given me. Anyone's ever given me. I'll take care of it."
He afforded a small smile. The promise brought him endless relief, simultaneously lifting some of the pressure in his rib.
"Buddy.."
"Hmm?" He looked into his partner's eyes which were still wet with tears.
"Thank you."
And with just those two words, the dam crumbled into pieces. The tears he had thus far managed to keep hidden flowed onto his cheeks with unrestrained fervour. He had never asked for a 'thank you' from his partner but hearing it nonetheless, just two inconsequential words, they meant everything to him.
In an instant, he was encased in a crushing embrace. Whispering softly, Steve said, "Buddy, thank you. I should have said it earlier, should have said it a million times. I'm sorry. I'm sorry it took me this long to say it. I didn't think it would ever be enough so I never said it. But I want you to know now that I'm... I am truly grateful for your gift. Undeserving as I am to receive it. To have you in my life…. I am grateful for you, brother."
Brother.
He sobbed into Steve's shoulder, not giving a care that he was embarrassing himself or making a mess of himself or that his chest throbbed with each breath. All he cared about was that his partner still considered him family. This couldn't be a lie. Maybe, just maybe, his partner didn't hate him. His biggest fear that he no longer had a place in Steve's life had become significantly smaller. Hands reaching to Steve's back, he gently pat his brother's back. He couldn't be sure how long they had remained that way but at some point, he must have shut his eyes and gone completely lax in his partner's arms. Because the last thing he remembered was Steve gently untangling from the hug and laying him down on the bed. As he struggled to stay awake, a lingering touch in his forehead and his partner's voice were the last things he was aware of before sleep claimed him.
"I love you, Danno."
And for the first time in a while, he didn't doubt those words. Even if for just one night, he would believe it.
...
A/N: Hey guys! If you got to the end of this chapter, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed the long-awaited conversation and the chapter didn't disappoint you. As of now, I have 1 last chapter coming up so hope you guys keep reading. And if you have the time, I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter! Take care everyone:)